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I was confused by her apology, but seeing she wasn’t actually capable of bending far enough to reach the mop, I stepped over the puddle and retrieved it for her. “It’s okay. There you go.”

The woman thanked me and shuffled off. She left the puddle behind, and when I picked up my coat, I realized what she’d been apologizing for. I’d been careless when I’d thrown the jacket down and left it hanging off the bench, and into the old woman’s murky puddle. The collar was soaked with dirty mop water. I shoved the candy bar in my mouth and retrieved it with a heavy sigh. Wet or not, I needed to put it on; the college was too far from home to be outside without a coat on.

I walked quickly to the L and boarded the train just seconds before the doors closed. It was jammed full of commuters making their way home, so I elbowed my way to the back of the car and leaned against the wall. I closed my eyes as the train lurched along. I was tired from a long day of doing nothing, but my mind was still buzzing with all things Pete. My lips twitched as a smirk began to form. I was a stick in the mud when it came to topping, but that didn’t mean I didn’t like to get down and dirty in other ways, and after the torturously long day I’d had, my imagination was enough to make the journey fly by.

About halfway home, a jolt on the tracks abruptly roused me from my daydreams. I inhaled sharply as my back slammed into the carriage wall. I blinked a couple of times and tried to focus, but it didn’t work… something felt off. My vision stayed blurred and the car tilted around me. I clenched my hands and tried to breathe slowly, but the crushing sensation in my chest turned quickly to a sharp pain. It hurt, really hurt, and the train car suddenly seemed unbearably small.

No one looked up as I lurched away from the wall and pushed past them to get to the exit. I reached the doors just as the train pulled into a station. It wasn’t my stop, but I didn’t care. I found myself running as my feet hit the platform, and I kept running until I hit the open air.

Somehow, my legs took me away from the crowded station and to a bench outside a convenience store. I sank down onto it and put my head in my hands, then reached for my cigarettes. The scar on my hand caught the sunlight as I raised my arm. I fought the nausea as it rolled. Puking would only bring temporary relief, and there was nothing worse than dry heaving in the street. I let the box of cigarettes slip through my fingers and wrapped my arms around myself, but despite the pain of being so tightly wound, I couldn’t stay still for long. I got up, ignoring my body’s protests, and forced myself to start walking.

It took a few blocks for me to realize I was heading in the wrong direction. Getting off the train too soon had left me completely disoriented, and with my mind in bits, I didn’t have a clue where I was. By the time I figured it out, I was miles from home.

L
ATER
that night, Pete stood in the doorway of the kitchen and watched me. He’d figured out something was wrong the moment he saw me so disheveled from the long walk home, but other than coercing me into changing clothes and eating a single slice of pizza, he’d let me be.

Predictably, though, as I stood at the sink and stared at the dirty dishes, it seemed he’d had enough.

“Are you going to tell me what’s wrong?”

“Nothing’s wrong.”

He ventured further into the room and put his hand on my head. “Are you sick?”

“No.”

I shifted away from him and he made no attempt to touch me again, but I felt his sharp gaze all over me.

“Don’t do that,” he said. “Don’t look down when you’re upset. You don’t need to hide from me.”

“I’m not upset.”

He reached down and took my hands from the sink. “Then what is it?”

I pulled my wet hands from him and folded my arms across my chest. “I… I don’t know.”

He eyed me for a moment before he slowly peeled my arms away from my body. He pulled on them until I’d wrapped them loosely around him. Satisfied, he leaned closer and the warmth from his body seeped into me. “What can I do?”

I ducked my head. It was a natural reaction, but he caught my face with his hand. “Hey, no hiding, okay?”

I swallowed heavily. No one had ever looked at me the way he was then. For a long time, apathy had been my friend, but it wasn’t something I could maintain with him. He made my insides tremble just by looking at me.

Pete brought his other hand up so he was cupping my whole face, and then he kissed me, lightly at first, but then harder… hard enough to make me forget everything in the world except him. He walked me slowly backward until my back hit the refrigerator. No part of me resisted, and my head hit the old metal door with a dull thud. My eyes rolled back as he moved his lips on mine, and the scratch of his scruff-covered chin on my cheek felt amazing.

He pulled away far too soon. “Better?”

I licked my swollen lips and nodded. “Do it again.”

He leaned forward, smirking, but just before his lips touched me, he straightened and kissed my forehead instead. “Come on, let’s get you to bed.”

I let him take my hand and lead me to his bedroom. I sat on the edge of the bed while he disappeared. He was back a few moments later with a DVD. “You like wizards, right?”

“What?”

“
Lord of the Rings
,” he said. “It’s got all that fantasy shit you draw in it. Have you ever seen it?”

My face must have been as blank as my brain. The only movies I’d ever seen were the girlie ones Ellie liked, and because they were all the damn same, I almost always fell asleep. In fact, sometimes I thought she did it on purpose.

“What about the books?” Pete persisted gently. “My dad tried to get me to read them when I was a kid, but they were
way
too long for me.”

I didn’t have an answer for him, but he didn’t seem to expect one. He got to his feet and pulled off his shirt. He retrieved the remote from under the bed and pointed it at the TV.

“I put your coat in the laundry. It’s got some bleach or something on it. Damn thing stinks. What did you do? Clean the bathroom with it?”

Bleach.

The room lurched around me, and I felt suddenly sick. Pete blurred as he moved. He crouched in front of me and searched my face. “Whoa, where did you go?”

“Hmm?”

He squeezed my hands. “You totally spaced on me. If I’d known you felt so crappy, I wouldn’t have jumped on you. Do you want some Tylenol or something?”

I felt a surge of hollow relief as he attributed my weirdness to some sort of illness. I didn’t want to lie to him, but it was easier to let him think I was sick than try to explain myself. Part of me trusted him enough to tell him the truth, but it wasn’t him I didn’t trust—it was me. I was scared that if I started talking, I’d never stop. I didn’t want that. I just wanted to sleep.

“
Ash
, get in the damn bed.”

It didn’t sound like the first time he’d asked. I slid carefully back and under the covers. Pete walked around the bed and crawled in beside me.

“Are you cold?”

I
was
cold. Despite still having my T-shirt, sweats, and socks on, I felt like I’d never be warm again. Though I didn’t answer him, Pete lay down on his back and gestured for me to come closer. Hesitantly, I scooted across the bed and let him gently pull me against him. Silence settled over us while he watched the movie. I closed my eyes and tried to distract myself from the disquiet settled deep in my bones, but even with his heartbeat thudding steadily in my ear, I still felt like I could crawl out of my own skin.

“Do you miss him?”

Pete paused in the action of rubbing circles into my shoulder blades. “Who?”

“Your dad.”

He was silent as he lifted his arm and clicked the TV off. I thought for a long moment he wasn’t going to answer me, until he sighed heavily and returned his arm to my shoulders.

“My dad was my best friend. I spent my whole childhood watching him leave and waiting for him to come back. Then one day he was just gone forever.”

“What was his name?”

“William, but everyone called him Bill.”

I raised my head and put my chin on his chest. Pete smiled slightly as the movement brought us closer together, but it didn’t quite reach his eyes. “Did you look like him?”

“No. My dad was an all-American boy. I got Maggie’s Italian genes. Heidi looks like him, though.”

“Your sister?”

Pete hummed, but I felt the tension run through his body. “I’m sorry,” I said. “You don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to.”

“It’s not that,” he said wearily, his voice soft and sad. “I just haven’t thought about it for a long time. Sometimes I forget how angry it makes me.”

“Why? What happened?”

“My parents never got married. I guess they didn’t think it mattered, but when my dad died, his brother contested the will. She got to keep his pension, but he took everything else: the house, the insurance money…. It didn’t leave a lot.”

“You had a house?”

Pete shrugged slightly. “Yeah, it wasn’t much, but it was our home, you know? I was born there and I’d never lived anywhere else. But my dad paid for it out of money he inherited from his grandfather, so when he died, his brother took it. Maggie didn’t fight him because she didn’t know how. We just took what we could and left.”

I shifted even closer to him. “What about your sister?”

Pete snorted, and again, I felt anger simmering just beneath his warm skin. “Heidi’s always been headstrong, and she likes her material shit. Coming home from college to a one-bedroom apartment on the wrong side of town wasn’t her thing. So she stopped doing it.”

“So it’s just you and Maggie, huh?”

“Yeah.” Pete shifted and rubbed his chin on the top of my head. “For a long time now. It’s not so bad these days, though. I do miss my dad, because I loved him, but you can’t bring someone back from the dead. You’ve just got to get on with it.”

I shuddered slightly. Pete felt it and tightened his arm around me. “You should get some sleep.”

His tone was pensive, and I felt bad that I’d upset him, but the deep, comforting sound of his voice rumbling through his chest was too good to let go. “Pete?”

“Yeah?”

“Keep talking.”

I
STEPPED
around Ellie as I set up for my first job for the day. She was driving me crazy. She’d been in my face since the moment she’d appeared on Pete’s doorstep that morning and then followed me to the shop. “If I say yes, will you leave me alone?”

Ellie rolled her eyes from her perch on the counter in my work area. “Ash, you wound me, but, yes. If you come to Thanksgiving at my parents’ house, I’ll leave you alone… for the rest of the day, at least.”

I sighed as defeat washed over me. My first client was due any minute, and I wasn’t ready for him. I didn’t have time for Ellie’s crap. “All right,” I said. “Tell your mom I’ll be there.”

Ellie clapped her hands and hopped down from the counter. She was pleased with herself, but I was kinda pissed. She was a tornado when she wanted something, and most of the time, whatever she wanted was worth it to see her smile, but when it came to socializing with her folks, the glee on her face wasn’t nearly enough. My last encounter with her dad had been hard work… all his questions and searching stares. I wasn’t looking forward to seeing him again.

Eventually, I chased Ellie out of the shop and worked until evening. I got home just as Pete was getting up to work a double shift. Life had been like that in recent days. He said we were like passing ships or some shit.

He laughed when I told him about Thanksgiving. “Yeah, she got to me too.”

I raised an eyebrow. “You’re coming to her parents’ house for dinner?”

“Hell no.” His face was mildly horrified. “I’m working, you know that. I said I’d come by on my way home if it wasn’t too late.”

“Sorry,” I said. “Ellie’s kinda persistent when she gets going. You should just go home after work.”

Pete pulled a sweatshirt over his head and shoved some spare clothes into his bag. “Don’t worry about it. I probably won’t get there anyway.”

He went out into the hallway to put his shoes on. I drifted after him like a lost puppy. I’d recently discovered I didn’t like watching him leave at night. It felt all wrong knowing he was out there working while I lay in his bed alone. Or maybe it was just that I missed him. Who knew? I’d never had cause to miss anyone before.

Pete shrugged into his coat and came to stand in front of me. “Listen, I know I said I don’t do all that boyfriend shit, but that doesn’t mean I don’t give a fuck. If you want me to come, all you’ve got to do is say so.”

“I know that,” I said, though I’d never been altogether sure what he meant by “boyfriend shit.” “I just….”

Pete silenced me with a quick kiss. “It’s fine. If I get off in time and I can find my way to that swanky neighborhood, I’ll be there.”

I
STARED
at the huge closet. “I can’t believe you ever tried to get me to live in this house. I’d never find my way out.”

Ellie took my hand and yanked me away from the latest addition to her bedroom. “Shut up, it’s just a closet.”

“You don’t even live here anymore.” Just a closet? It was bigger than Pete’s living room.

Ellie laughed. “I know, but you know what my mom’s like. She just can’t leave it alone.”

I glanced around the massive room again. How could one person fill so much space? I didn’t know what to do with the room they gave me in rehab. I used to sit on the floor in the corner and watch the rest of the room like it was going to swallow me up. Given a space the size of Ellie’s childhood bedroom and closet, I’d probably have stayed in the closet. “Your mom has issues.”

“True, which is why we have to go downstairs. She knows you’re here.”

I let her pull me out of her bedroom and down the stairs with a long-suffering sigh that she pointedly ignored. The house passed me by in a haze of identical corridors and huge mirrors. It didn’t matter how many times I came to Ellie’s family home, I still couldn’t find my way around. The mirrors freaked me out too. Why would anyone want to see their own face on every wall? I knew I didn’t.