Sliding On The Edge (19 page)

“
Oh, no!” The lights in the
barn might as well have been a shrieking emergency alarm. The truck
bounced down the road and up to the front of the house. She jumped
out almost before the truck stopped moving, leaving the door
sagging open on its hinges. She kicked off her heels and sprinted
barefoot toward the barn.

When she reached the gray’s stall, she
entered a nightmare—a tableau of Kenny, the vet, and her beauty,
her sleeping beauty. But no prince could wake her gray.

The men didn’t speak as she
knelt at the gray’s side and stroked her neck.
Come back
, she thought. She looked at
the gray’s chest and hoped, praying to see some movement.
Nothing.

Kay felt the same crushing
pressure on her chest as that day years ago when she’d opened the
door to that uniformed man who had told her Nicholas was
gone.
Forever
never had such meaning as it had that night—and as it had
right now.

“
. . . all we could . . .
hurting . . . suffer.” The vet was telling her something, but she
couldn’t absorb his words.

“
When?” she
asked.

“
Fifteen minutes ago,” the
vet said.

The barn went quiet. She
felt Kenny’s arms around her, lifting her to her feet, guiding her
toward the door, past Shawna, who looked small and anxious.
She’s so young,
Kay
thought,
and now she’s not that
smart-mouth I deal with in the shops or in the truck.

Kay glimpsed the deep fear
in Shawna’s eyes, in the way she crouched, pulling her knees to her
chest and pressed against the rough barn wood.
How can I reach someone so walled up inside? I couldn’t reach
Nicholas, either. Maybe I didn’t try hard enough at the time. Maybe
I didn’t do the right kind of trying. I wish I could reach this
girl.

Kenny was holding the kitchen door
open for her. “I’ve got whisky in the trailer. I’ll go get
it.”

Kay nodded blindly and went up the
steps. The only way she’d get through tonight would be to let Kenny
Fargo take over. She’d let him put the bit between her teeth, and
go in any direction he thought best. He’d saved her once before.
Oh, God, he had to save her again.

Kay knew she had to survive long
enough to do something right to rescue that child, the troubled
girl huddling in the barn. Her son’s only daughter, his only child.
She was the last of Nicholas. What was left of her
family.

When Kenny returned and handed her a
half-filled tumbler, she readily took a large sip. The whiskey-burn
down the length of her throat felt good, it made her feel alive.
For a short time there was something besides an aching emptiness
inside her body.

Shawna stole through the kitchen, her
eyes down. Kay let her go without a word. She didn’t know what to
say after today’s session at the therapist’s, after the shouting
match in the truck, after . . . the gray.

“
I’m borrowing Floyd’s
backhoe in the morning,” Kenny said, setting his glass down. “This
one’s not leaving the ranch. That okay by you?”

Kay nodded.

“
You got any place special
in mind for her?”

She didn’t have to think before she
answered. “Along the back trail, just before the rise. There’s a
boulder on the north side. I’d like her head toward that
boulder.”

Kenny drained his glass. “You come out
around noon. Then we’ll say a few words.”

He walked to the door.

“
Kenny.” Kay wanted him to
stay, but when he turned at the sound of her voice, she knew he had
to go. It was time for him to grieve, and he did that best alone.
“Thank you.”

He said nothing as he closed the door
behind him.

Kay turned off the lights and walked
toward her bedroom. She felt so tired. Yet she knew sleep wouldn’t
come to set her mind free or let her rest. She was about to close
her door, then changed her mind and walked down the hall to
Shawna’s room.

“
Shawna?” she called
softly.

Although Shawna didn’t answer, Kay
heard her move.

“
May I come in?”

A drawer slid closed and Kay heard the
rustle of sheets.

“
Yes,” Shawna said. Her
voice didn’t sound sleepy; it sounded more like she was out of
breath.

Kay had a lot to say to the girl
sitting up in the darkened room, with the moonlight from the window
etching her shadow against the wall. But Kay’s words sounded
paltry, and Shawna’s look told her she wasn’t getting her message
across.

Kay wanted Shawna to know that it
wasn’t her fault the gray died today without having her person with
her. It wasn’t anyone’s fault.

I’ve lost this
girl,
Kay thought as she pressed her
fingers against her eyelids.
Will I lose
veryone I love before I die?

Chapter 36

Shawna

After I finish screaming at Kay in the
truck, I don’t have anything else to say on the ride home from
Sacramento. And neither does Kay. Normal silence, right? But as we
bump down the long road to the house, I see something that isn’t
normal.

The barn is flooded with lights. I
spot the vet’s SUV about the same time the truck screeches to a
halt. Kay’s out from behind the wheel before I even touch my door
handle.

She runs kicking off her high heels,
her hair flying behind her, the clasp lost. She’s inside the barn
before I can get out of the truck. It’s been a freaking long day.
I’ve been thinking hot bath and bed. Now I’m thinking it’ll be a
freaking long night.

I edge uneasily toward the stall,
where I hear Kenny and the vet.

It’s the gray. Her tail stretched out
long and quiet behind her. I’ve seen her at the gallop, that tail
streaming in the wind. I know she put a high arc in it, showing off
her Arabian side. But now the arc is gone, and along with it, the
gray.

Kay sits next to her, her hand on the
great strong neck. It always rubbed Kay’s shoulder from behind,
whenever it wanted her touch.

My grandmother is silent, but her body
sways. And I hear her, like I’ve heard others from dark alleys.
People hidden in shadows. People crying in pain.

I lean back against the rough planks
and slide down onto the straw. I’ve come to know straw, the way it
feels on the end of a pitchfork, the smell of it green and dry, and
right now, I crave its prickle on my legs. That will make things
feel normal inside the barn tonight. It’ll give me something to
hate, something to fill up the space inside, that’s dark and on the
edge of shaky.

“
Kay.” It’s the vet talking
to her. “We did all we could for her. But she was hurting too much.
We knew you wouldn’t want her to suffer.”

“
When?” Kay’s voice is low
and flat.

“
Fifteen minutes ago. I’m
truly sorry. We didn’t know when you’d be back.” In a while, the
vet walks past me. The engine starts and the van drives
off.

Fifteen minutes ago the gray was
alive, waiting for Kay to come to her. Fifteen minutes ago, I was
mouthing off about the shrink and the waste of my time. Fifteen
minutes ago the world was different.

I look at Kay. She’s as
still as her mare, only I know her heart is beating and the mare’s
is not, and the difference in their stillness is bigger than
anything I know. I put my hand where my heart used to be.
Blump, blump
. It’s a
lonely sound.

“
Come on, old girl. I’ll
take care of the rest.” Kenny pulls Kay to her feet and holds her
like something precious. “You go on inside.” He steers her past
me.

I’m alone with the dead gray horse. I
push myself up and go to sit by her.

Hey! This is just a horse,
Shawna! I shout in my mind. What’s the big deal?

Fifteen minutes. That’s the
big deal.
Who ever thought one quarter of
an hour could make so much difference in the world?

I’ve never touched anything dead
before. But it’s not scary. I stroke the Arabian queen’s long neck,
but I’m having a problem seeing because my eyes are washing out
with tears. I never expected to cry over a dead horse. I never
expected a lot of things.

I walk into the house and
through the kitchen, where Kay and Kenny sit at the kitchen table,
sipping dark whiskey. The only sounds are my feet crossing the
linoleum. I’m working on not showing them my wet eyes. Besides, I’m
not ready to talk to Kay, and for sure, she’s not ready to talk to
me. Vegas was hard, but it was easier than this.
I never cried in Vegas.

The bed is wide and I stretch my
length across its middle, letting my legs dangle over the side. I
stare at the ceiling and I listen to the night sounds coming on.
Tonight the coyotes aren’t talking. Owls take over the dark air. I
never heard an owl before I came to Kay’s, and its lonely question
is always a surprise. It’s my question. How in the hell can a
stupid thing with feathers and big eyes ask a question, anyway?
Maybe owls aren’t stupid. Maybe I’m the stupid thing without
feathers that asks bird questions.

Who? Who? Who?

Who in the hell am
I?

Tonight is real different. Kay doesn’t
do her kitchen-cooking-on-the-table-dinner-at-seven routine. I’m on
the bed listening to owls! Kenny? He’s doing something about the
gray, and I don’t want to know. I only know I’m feeling maggots in
my stomach.

Fifteen
minutes.

Fifteen lousy
minutes.

And here he comes, even before the
shakes start. My snaggle-toothed critter. Crawling from the end of
the bed.

“
Go away! I don’t want you
here tonight.”

“
But you do. Tonight you
really need me.”

I look at his greedy eyes. He knows
I’m down. He knows. And I do, too.

I take the razor blade out and begin
to unwrap it. Take it slow. Don’t rush. Maybe he’ll slink away if I
don’t hurry. Unfold. Unfold. The thin, icy metal slides onto my
palm. It weighs nothing, but my hand grows tired from holding
it.

“
Shawna. Come on, Sweetie.
Nice and deep, Monster coos.”

I’m surprised at the blood this time.
It’s more than usual. It’s a lot, actually. I grab the sheet and
press hard against my ankle.

“
Shawna?”

It’s Kay’s voice at the door. Monster
skulks away. He’s pissed. Too bad.

“
May I come in?”

What the hell, it’s her house. Why
does she always ask if she can come in? I sit up and tuck the razor
blade into the drawer and pull the sheet sideways so she can’t see
what I’ve done. “Yes.”

The door swings in. She’s still in the
meet-the-shrink-suit, but her hair fans across her shoulders and
she’s in bare feet.

“
I’m sorry,” Kay
says.

My eyebrows shoot to heaven. I stop
myself from saying, huh?

“
You can’t blame yourself
any more than I can.” She walks in and sits on the edge of the bed.
“She was a good horse and she had someone to love her, her whole
life.”

She takes a moment to press her
fingers against her eyes, then she looks up. “That’s more than a
lot of people get, right Shawna?”

I nod. I’m totally not understanding
any of this. Why isn’t she like, pounding on my head and telling me
what a creep I am for being here, for messing up her perfect life,
for dragging her off to some shrink, when she should have been with
her gray?

It’s good I’m going back to Vegas.
There I know where I stand.

Chapter 37

Shawna

It’s Saturday afternoon, and my
crowded social calendar shows I’ve got one major event to look
forward to—Marta’s sleepover. I’m wearing socks all the time since
Wednesday night. My ankle hurts, and once in a while if I catch it
right, it bleeds.

Damn
Monster
.

I soaked the sheets and did a load of
laundry while Kay was out with Kenny that next day. She asked me to
go along and I wanted to, but the sheets . . . .

“
What time do you have to be
at Marta’s?” Kay’s coming from the barn and I’m passing her on my
way to see Magic, since I won’t be here tomorrow.

“
Seven,” I say.

“
Floyd’s in the hospital. He
had a fall, Kenny tells me. Give his horses some oats and check
their water, will you?”

So old Floyd dropped off his perch.
Magic should feel pretty happy about that.

Magic comes from across the field and
rubs his head against my shoulder.

“
You act more like Buster
sometimes than you do a horse, you know that? Here.” I hold out his
apple and the vitamins.

In only a couple of months, Magic
looks like some other horse. I’m thinking how I can get him to
Vegas, maybe board him someplace.

Yeah, Shawna, you got so
much money for that
. The savings from my
twenty-dollar-a-week salary has grown to about a hundred, but I
know what boarding fees are here, and in Vegas they gotta be a ton
more.