Sloppy Seconds: The Tucker Max Leftovers (46 page)
“Hey Tucker,
My name is [redacted] and I am the Director of Cameos for the University of Florida’s 2009 Gator Growl show. Gator Growl is the world’s largest, entirely student-run pep rally and multimedia event. Attended by more than 70,000 students and Gator fans from all over the country, it is the largest student pep rally in the world, and takes place on the eve of every Florida Homecoming football game at Ben Hill Griffin Stadium in Gainesville.
Celebrity cameos are one of the most prominent parts of the show. Every year, Gator Growl boasts an array of timeless celebrities, athletes, and political figures that appear on video to express their support for the Gator Nation. We would be honored to have you appear in a cameo for this year’s Gator Growl. Your cameo would go a long way in helping to make an already prominent reel featuring Bill Clinton, Zach Braff, Chris Collinsworth and Mike Rowe even more prestigious.
Taping a cameo would require no more than 10 minutes of your time. It would consist of you introducing yourself, delivering a personal message to Gator fans, and then ending with the phrase “Let the Gator Growl!” I understand that you will be on campus on August 24th for a showing of your new movie. I will be at the event and we can film the cameo right then and there on a regular camcorder. We would be honored to have you a part of University of Florida history.”
Are you fucking shitting me? I am a born and bred UK fan. UF is a hated SEC rival. I would never do something like this.
But it isn’t that simple. My hatred for UF is not like my hatred for some other places. I hate Notre Dame because they are the biggest shitheads on earth. Even the real Irish hate the Fighting Irish. And I hate Duke because they are pompous shitbird losers. Not even people in North Carolina like Dukies. And I hate Tennessee because they are redneck, dumbass, low-down dirty snitches. But UF is different. If I’m really honest with myself, I have to admit that the reason I hate UF is because they ALWAYS BEAT MY BELOVED WILDCATS! As of the writing of this story, they’ve beaten UK 23 straight fucking times in football. [We kill them in basketball, but we kill everyone in basketball.]
Not only has their football team been dominant for decades, but they’ve done it in the most frustrating way possible. They embarrass teams. UF has scored 50+ points on more teams than any school in NCAA history. And the whole time they’re doing it, they’re arrogant, insufferable fucks about it. They’re better than us at football, they know it, and every UF fan carries that salt with him, just to rub it in the wounds of other SEC schools. And as if Steve Spurrier and his reign of sarcastic terror weren’t bad enough, they had to go and recruit God’s other son Tim Tebow, and spend the next decade not just beating everyone in football, but doing it in the most condescending and Christian way possible. They would beat us, then tell us we should drink less. Fuck Steve Spurrier, fuck Tim Tebow, and fuck their awesome football team.
If you remove football from the equation, it becomes much harder to hate UF. I have a ton of really good friends who went there, and every time I’ve visited, I’ve had a great time. A part of me truly wishes I had gone there for undergrad. There’s very little not to like about the place. And seriously—how mad can I really get at all those hot, drunk UF girls who want to have sex with me and then feed me fried alligator? If you can be mad at a hot girl who wants to have sex with you—who are you, and what happened to you?
Considering all these things, I tell them yes, I’ll do it, but with a condition: I won’t say anything bad about UK. They agree, and we set the time to do it right after the screening and before I go out drinking.
They come up to me at the screening, seem like pretty normal nice guys, and we start to shoot it. They tell me what they want me to say, and it’s completely ridiculous UF promotional garbage. I counter with something along the lines of, “Fuck off you fucking turd-eating Gators, I hope a plane hits The Swamp.”
Shockingly, they aren’t too keen on that.
So we go back and forth until we settle on something like, “I am a born and bred Kentucky fan, so I should hate UF…but I can’t, there are just too many hot girls here. Good luck on your season, except of course, when you play UK.” I do a bunch of takes, finally get a good one, and we’re golden.
Afterwards, I make a joke about how I should get to fuck a girl on their football field for doing this, as a sort of payment. The guy in charge of the Gator Growl, Tyler, chimes in:
Tyler “Yeah right. That’s impossible.”
Tucker “You should know that nothing is impossible for Tucker Max.”
Tyler “Ben Hill Griffin stadium is locked, and surrounded by huge fences. You can’t get in.”
Tucker “I’m a good free climber. I can find a way up or around anything.” Tyler “And the field itself is guarded 24/7 by security guards. I’ve tried to fuck on that field for years, and tons of my friends too, and we always get caught.”
Tucker “Son…I am a legend for a reason. Name the bet.”
We make a gentleman’s wager, he tells me in the most emphatic terms that there is no chance I’ll succeed, and I get on the bus to go over to some bar on campus. It’s fucking packed, and I end up drinking right by the front, next to the huge, open, bay windows. After maybe an hour or two, this group of girls walks by me to come in, but the bouncer won’t let them. Apparently the girl is 19.
TallSlut “Tucker Max! Can you get me in please!”
Tucker “How old are you?”
TallSlut “19.”
Tucker “Are you kidding or stupid?”
TallSlut “But I went to your movie tonight and I want to come hang out with you.”
Tucker “Honey I’m awesome, but even I can’t fight city hall on this.”
I start bullshitting with her, and she makes it pretty clear she wants to fuck me. OK cool, but I’m having fun at the bar, and she’s cute, but not so hot that I can’t stop myself from leaving immediately, so whatever. Then Bill Dawes makes the obvious connection that I missed:
Bill “Dude, I bet she’ll fuck you on the field. Try it.” I go outside the bar, find her, and make it real clear:
Tucker “You wanna fuck, right?”
TallSlut “Yeah, of course.”
Tucker “OK, I’ll fuck you, but only if we fuck on the field in The Swamp.”
TallSlut “Deal. I go to UCF, I hate them.”
Jackpot!
To avoid redundancy, I’ll just print what I wrote on the movie blog the next day:
“No matter what else happens on this tour, with this movie, or in my life, I don’t care. I can die happy, because last night I did what no other Kentuckian has done in years: I scored at The Swamp.
I mean this literally. I snuck into the stadium, with a girl, and fucked her on the goal line of the south end zone. Right below the goal posts, underneath the national championship signs.
If this gets me in trouble, I don’t care. If the Gainesville PD puts out a warrant for my arrest for some bullshit misdemeanor, so be it, I will turn myself in and deal with it. If it means I get banned from UF, that would suck, but those are consequences I will live with.
No matter what happens, it will all be worth it. Now every time I watch UF play, even though goddamn Tim Tebow may be unstoppable, even though UF has more team speed than a pack of cheetahs and destroys my beloved Wildcats every year, I now know that they have to cross the place where I had sex with a girl to do it. I defiled their shire. It’ll never be the same.
To every other team in the SEC: You are welcome to bask in the glow of this score also, because it will probably be the only one any of us get on UF this year.
And to the UF community: I’m sorry. I still love you guys, I really do, but it had to be done. Might as well be me.
And of course I have pics, because without those, I know all the butthurt Gators would try to call BS:
The response came almost immediately. One of my good friends, TheGeneralsDaughter, is a proud UF alum, and when I told him what we did, he flipped shit:
“I hope your bus flips over 17 times and explodes into a churning inferno of God’s special brand of hatred. Hate is too poor a word for my feelings toward you right now.”
My response: “ON THE GOAL LINE!!”
Him: “Fuck. You. You are dead to me!”
I emailed the pictures to Tyler:
“I’m speechless. That tall blonde slut was sitting behind me during the Q and A. I think I saw her after, if I’m thinking the right girl. That story on your site probably made for better publicity for your movie than the actual movie premiere in Gainesville.”
Now, I knew this would get responses like that from people I knew. But what I didn’t anticipate is what Tyler said—this act got more press than the movie premiere itself. Like 25 media outlets picked this story up. Some examples:
From
The Gainesville Sun
:
Blogger Claims He Snuck into UF Stadium for Sex
August 25th, 2009
by Nathan Crabbe
A blogger known for writing about his sexual exploits has made Ben Hill Griffin Stadium the site of another notch on his belt.
Tucker Max, whose book is the basis of a new movie, posted a blog entry Tuesday claiming he snuck into the stadium after the movie’s Gainesville premiere and had sex in the south end zone. He posted pictures of him and the woman, who isn’t identified, standing in the stadium as proof they were there.
Max’s book,
I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell
, is basis of a new movie. It was shown Monday night in Gainesville as part of a 31-city tour leading up to its national premiere next month.
On the blog, he wrote that he “will turn (himself) in and deal with it” if a warrant for his arrest is issued.
University of Florida Police Sgt. Stephen Wilder said such an incident could lead to trespassing or lewd and lascivious charges if the couple was caught in the act, but nothing would likely be done now.
“It’s certainly not something that the department would pursue after the fact,” he said.
Reached by phone, Max said he got the idea to sneak into the stadium from a UF student filming him for this year’s Gator Growl. He said he climbed a fence to get into the stadium around midnight.
From
The GainesVillians
:
This brings up the struggle between respect & hate. Where one must respect one’s effort in successfully pulling out any random sex act in The Ben Hill Griffin Stadium aka “The Swamp” or any other public space. But where as being a Gator, hating him for disgracing our beloved field with his corrosive semen.
From
Banned in Hollywood
:
Gives new meaning to hitting the tight end across the middle. Kudos to Mr. Max for doing more than the Sooners could muster in last year’s National Championship Game. We can only imagine that Lane Kiffin and his ridiculously hot wife are next to attempt this, recruiting violations be damned.
Radio.com(the biggest UK sports blog) said:
What has Tim Tebow not done at Florida? He has two national championships and a Heisman trophy, he’s a two time All-American,
GQ
cover model, number one image in the Urban Meyer spank bank, and captain /leader of the soon-to-be 2010 National Champions. He has done it all…well, almost. He has never had sex with a girl on the goal line at Ben Hill Griffin Stadium (or in a bed for that matter). Florida, we see your Tebow and we raise you our Tucker Max…
Take that, Florida. I don’t even care what the scoreboard says when you come to Commonwealth on September 26th. In my mind, we’ve already won. Tucker, I think I speak for all of Big Blue Nation when I say, thank you. Thank you for being a Wildcat.
TUCKER GOES TO DOCTOR, HILARITY ENSUES
Occurred, May 2010