Slowly We Trust (12 page)

“I cosign everything she just said,” Trish added.

They both stared at me and I wished I was back in my room staring at the ceiling. I should never have made friends. If I hadn’t, I wouldn’t be in this situation right now.

But here I was and I had to somehow wiggle myself out.

“I was thinking about transferring schools,” I blurted out. It was the first thing that came to mind.

Lottie gasped and Trish just stared at me.

“Why?”

“I don’t know. There isn’t really a pre-law program here. It was just a thought. I’m not considering it seriously.” I tried to brush it off, but they launched into why I shouldn’t go and why I should stay, and it almost made me want to cry.

They cared so much about me and wanted me around. They wouldn’t, if they knew, but they were never going to. I couldn’t handle them turning their backs on me.

I was relieved when we finally got to the apartment complex and I could get out of the car. Trish and Lottie were still chattering about reasons for me not to transfer as we trouped up the stairs to Katie and Stryker’s place.

“Audrey wants to transfer,” Lottie announced as we walked through the door.

“What? Why?” Katie froze with her face inches from Stryker’s. They’d clearly been in the middle of something.

“I’m not transferring,” I said, putting my hands up. “I was just thinking about it. But I’m not going to. I doubt you would let me anyway.”

“Let you what?” Will said, out of breath as if he’d dashed up the stairs. Here we go again.

“I considered, for all of five seconds, transferring schools. But I’m not going to. So everyone can just calm down.” Will’s eyes bulged in shock.

“Transfer?” He said the word as if he didn’t know what it meant.

“But I’m not going to, so this is a non-issue. What are we having?” I tried to turn the topic.

“Enchiladas,” Katie said, unwrapping herself from Stryker and going over to tend something on the stove.

“Need any help?”

“We’ve got it,” Lottie said, grabbing Trish and yanking her over to the stove, leaving Will and me standing near the door. Subtle.

“Need to talk?” Will said. Yes. No. Not with him. I couldn’t talk to him. I couldn’t talk to anyone.

“I’m fine. Really.” I looked away, but his eyes studied me.

“Aud. I know things have been . . . a little weird with us, but I want you to be able to talk to me. I want you to trust me.” I wanted that too.

“I know.” I stopped there, and I was saved from having to explain myself by the arrival of Simon, who distracted Will for the amount of time it took me to go join the girls in the kitchen.

But Will was persistent. I knew I wasn’t off the hook.

I didn’t need twindar to tell that something had happened to Audrey. She was pale and she kept staring off like she was a million miles away. Lottie kept trying to get her attention, but it took a few times of repeating her name before she would respond.

But, being Audrey, she wouldn’t talk to anyone about it. I wanted her to want to talk to me. Only me. I wanted us to share something that she didn’t have with anyone else. I didn’t care if that was selfish.

As people left Stryker and Katie’s for their various evening activities, I hung around, waiting for the best moment to try to talk to Aud again.

My sister wouldn’t leave her alone for a second, probably because she knew exactly what I would try to do. Lottie even followed Aud to the bathroom, which made me roll my eyes at her.

I wasn’t going to pester her. I just wanted to let her know that she could talk to me if she wanted. That was it.

“Look, leave her alone. She doesn’t want to talk to anyone and trying to get her to is only going to make her pull away. So stop it,” Lottie hissed at me, adding an arm smack for good measure.

“But—“ I started to say, and shut up when Lottie gave me one of those looks that reminded me so much of our mother that it was legitimately scary.

“Leave her alone,” Lottie said, poking my chest with her finger to emphasize every word. For a little thing, she was violent.

I glanced across the room at Audrey, who was deep in conversation with Katie.

“I’m just worried about her,” I said.

“We all are, William. But we can’t help her if she doesn’t want us to. Give her time.” I didn’t want to give her time. I wanted to help her fix whatever was broken and then kiss her and have her tell me that she wanted to be with me. That she loved me. I almost laughed at myself. That was a sappy fantasy out of a romantic movie that my sister would watch and cry about.

“Bye, Will,” Audrey said as she put on her coat and went with Lottie so she could drive her back to the dorms. I wanted to offer to take her, but Lottie had beaten me to it. I’d been screwed over by twindar once again.

“Bye, Aud,” I said, wishing I could say more. The door closed behind them and I slumped on Stryker’s couch. I was the lone holdout.

“You know, one of these days you’re just going to have to make a move on her,” Stryker said, sitting down next to me and picking up his banjo and plucking a few strings.

“I’ve tried,” I said, scrubbing my hands across my face. I’d forgotten about my hair again.

“Not hard enough, clearly.”

“What is he supposed to do, attack her?” Katie said, coming over and climbing onto Stryker’s lap, moving the banjo out of the way.

“Worked with you.”

Katie rolled her eyes.

“But Audrey isn’t me.”

No, she wasn’t. She was in a class by herself.

“Will, just . . . listen to her. If she says she doesn’t want to talk, then let her not talk. The best way to be there for her is to just, be there. I know that sounds weird, but sometimes the presence of another person is all you need.” Her hand absentmindedly stroked Stryker’s hair and his hand moved along her hip. They were such a weird couple, but at the same time, they seemed to fit perfectly together. Like Han and Leia.

It didn’t take a genius to know that they wanted to have some alone time, so I got out of there and went back to the dorm. I was alone again tonight, with Simon at one of his club meetings. I couldn’t keep track of them all, but he always left me notes on my desk, or texted me.

What I should do was get to my homework. I had a lot of it, and it would keep me busy and keep my mind off Audrey.

Everyone would tell me to do my homework and leave Audrey alone.

I glanced once at my pile of textbooks and grabbed my keys.

I stared at my textbook, reading the same sentence four times and still not knowing what the words meant. I hadn’t turned my phone back on for fear that my mom would call again. Or worse, that my aunt would break her rule not to contact me.

There was a knock at my door that made me jump. I’d probably forgotten we had a hall meeting tonight.

I opened the door without looking through the peephole and found Will standing there with a pair of scissors and a comb.

“Will you cut my hair?”

I gaped at him, at a complete loss for words.

“Please?”

I moved aside to let him in and shut the door.

“You want me to cut your hair?” I had to say it out loud to make sure I had the gist of what he’d asked me.

“Yeah. It’s been bugging me and I asked my sister to do it a couple of weeks ago, but I think she forgot. So. Will you cut it for me?” It was such an odd request that if it came from anyone but Will, I would have thought there was an ulterior motive behind it. Or maybe that was just wishful thinking.

“I’ve never cut hair before. Well, I’ve trimmed my own ends, but I’ve never done anyone else’s.”

Will handed me the scissors.

“I don’t care. I trust you.”

I trust you.

He wasn’t just talking about a haircut. There was a lot more at work here. All of the unsaid things spun around us, crowding the air and making it hard to breathe.

I thought about shoving him out of the room and shutting the door in his face, but something told me that Will wasn’t going to take no for an answer this time.

“Okay,” I said. Will seemed shocked for a second, but then he hid it.

“Thanks, Aud. I really appreciate it.”

I just nodded and went to get a towel to put around his shoulders.

He pulled out my office chair and sat as I draped the towel on him and secured it with one of my hair clips. I dashed to the bathroom to get a cup of water because there was no way I could cut his hair dry and make it look good.

I combed the water through his hair, which made it a lot longer. It hung all the way down in front of his eyes and along his neck.

“You know, if you wanted to, you could just swipe this to the side and rock the emo look,” I said using the comb to flick his hair to the side so it fell across one eye. He glared at me.

“There you go. You’ve got the perfect look.” He tossed his head back and forth like a dog, spraying water everywhere.

“Stop it!” I squealed, trying to shield myself. Will grinned at me as though he was pleased with himself as water dripped from the ends of his hair. It made him look like he’d been caught in the rain.

I mentally shook myself, trying to remember that I shouldn’t think about Will getting caught in the rain, his shirt soaking with water and clinging to his chest. No, I wouldn’t think of it.

“Behave yourself,” I said to him, but it was also a reminder for me. Especially after what had happened today. It brought forward the reality of what I could and couldn’t have.

“Yes, ma’am.” He hung his head, but I didn’t believe him for a moment.

I got to work combing out his hair and trying to decide how much to take off. I was really shooting in the dark, and I hoped it looked okay when I was done. Granted, his hair was so curly that if I screwed it up a little, it wouldn’t show too much.

I started in the front, cutting his bangs short so I could see his beautiful eyes. They peered up at me as I worked and golden strands of his hair fell to the floor. Good thing I’d bought a vacuum.

I moved around the side and then to the back, making him tip his head down so I could make sure the back was even. I probably should have gone over the back of his neck with an electric razor, but I didn’t have one.

The only sound that filled the room was the snick of the scissors through his hair and the shuffling of my feet as I moved around his head.

Once I was satisfied, I rubbed my hand on his head to try to dry some of his hair. I could blow dry it, but I was wary of doing that with his hair being so curly.

“There you go,” I said, pulling the towel off his shoulders. “If you hate it, don’t blame me.” He went to my mirror and looked at his hair, going really close and squinting at his reflection.

“Looks good to me, but it’ll have to dry to be sure. Thanks, Aud.” He spun around, came over to me and gave me a kiss on the cheek before I could realize what was happening.

“Thanks,” he said again, his face mere inches from mine. Our noses where a whisper away from touching.

“You’re welcome,” I said, staring into his eyes and regretting it. Those eyes. They pulled me in, made me forget everything else, all the reasons to say no, all the reasons that I shouldn’t allow myself to close the gap between us and press my lips to his.

His eyes were to blame for the fact that I leaned forward and kissed him. His lips didn’t help the situation any, either.

I shouldn’t have kissed him, but then I shouldn’t have let him in. Not just to my dorm room. I shouldn’t have let him in to my life and into my head.

What was done couldn’t be undone, and I couldn’t pull my mouth away from his as soon as he put his hand up to hold my chin and started caressing my mouth so gently with his. Like he was afraid if he pushed too hard I would vanish. It was a sweet kiss, a careful kiss.

It still made me ache in all the right places and push my body toward his, wanting more.

Sensing my willingness, Will sucked on my bottom lip and tested me with his tongue. I opened my mouth, letting him in. I’d been fighting him so much and I was tired of it.

I was exhausted from trying to push him away. I was an emotional wreck and I just wanted to let myself feel for a little while.

So I brushed his tongue with mine, tasting him as I wound my arms around his neck and pressed up against him. When we’d made out before, I’d always let him take the lead, but this time I was in control. It was my choice to push closer, harder, more.

I backed him up until his legs hit the spare bed and he crashed back on it, with me falling on top of him. The kiss was broken by his head banging off the wall.

“Oh my God!” I said at the same time he moaned in pain and clutched the back of his head.

“I’m so sorry,” I said, but I couldn’t help but laugh at his expression.

“Are you trying to knock me out?” He rubbed the back of his head and winced.

“Maybe,” I said, fingering the blunt strands of his hair. “Any permanent damage?”

“I don’t think so. But you might want to kiss me to make sure.” I gave him a look as he stroked the side of my face.

“How would kissing you have anything to do with a bump on the back of your head?” I couldn’t stop touching his hair.

“I might have a concussion and you need to keep me awake. With your lips.” He leaned forward and started kissing me so I couldn’t protest. That was one way to stop me from arguing with him.

The kiss became more insistent. He wasn’t being as careful now, because he knew I wasn’t going anywhere. I moved until I was straddling him, my hair spilling down and getting in our way. He wrapped it around one of his hands and used it to pull my face closer. Our movements became rougher, harder. We kissed with a desperation that was born of us resisting for so long. Whatever this thing was between us had just ignited and if we weren’t careful, it was going to consume us.

Our hands started tugging at clothing and his shirt was the first to go, and then it was my turn.

And then I remembered what he would see if he took my shirt all the way off. It was a tunic, so it was so long that it skimmed below my hips. Perfect for hiding what I needed it to hide. My hands slammed down on the hem of my shirt as he tried to raise it.

“No,” I said into his mouth. “Shirt stays on.” That made him break the kiss.

“Why do you get to keep your shirt on?” I was momentarily distracted from my need to keep my shirt on by the fact that his wasn’t. To avoid answering his question, I ran my hands up and down his chest, over the peaks and valleys, his flat nipples, the little sprinkling of dark gold hair that led from his bellybutton lower . . .

“I can’t tell you why. I just need for it to stay on and for you not to touch my top half. Everything else . . . is okay.” I hoped he knew what I was saying without me having to say it. The bulge in his pants led me to believe he knew exactly what I was talking about.

“But I want to see you.”

“I know, but I can’t. It’s this or nothing.” He kissed the side of my face and then my neck and I wondered what he was thinking.

He pulled away from me and rested his head against my stomach.

“Okay.”

He was agreeing?

“If the only way I can have you is like this, then okay. I love you and I want to be with you.” For a moment, time stopped.

“I love you, too.” I couldn’t hold back the words anymore. They’d been inside me for so long. I tried to kill them, to make them go away, but they’d only gained strength.

“You love me?” Will whispered, wonder in his eyes, as if he’d thought such a thing was impossible.

“I love you.” They were easier to say the second time. He beamed up at me and I couldn’t help but smile back as he started laughing.

“What’s so funny?” I started laughing too.

“I’m so happy and relieved. I always thought I would be the only one. That I would love you and you would never love me back.”

What?

“Then why did you keep pursuing me? If you didn’t think that it would ever go anywhere.”

He sighed and pulled me closer.

“Because I had to give it a shot. Because I love you and I didn’t know what else to do.”

His words were daggers, reminding me that he was good and I was not and I shouldn’t want him or love him or have him.

But here he was and here I was and I couldn’t think about what I should do anymore. I just wanted to let go for a little while.

“I love you.” Three times.

“I love you, Aud.” I crossed the distance between us and brought our lips together once more.

Now that my feelings were out in the open, I felt bolder, so I took Will’s hands that had been gripping my hips and brought them back up to my shirt. His lips stilled on mine.

“You just said—” I stopped him with another kiss.

“I know. Just ignore whatever I’ve ever said before I told you I loved you. Just forget all of it.” I definitely wanted to. I wanted to forget my life before him. Leave it behind. Erase it and fill my head with him.

“I think I can do that.” His hands gripped my shirt and inched it slowly upwards. He shifted so he could follow with a trail of kisses.

Soon he lifted my shirt over my head and I was left with only my bra.

He looked at me as if he was seeing me for the first time.

“Shit, you’re even more beautiful than I imagined. Are you even real?”

“Are you?” I countered and he flicked the clasp on the back of my bra and pulled the straps over my shoulders, exposing me. I had half a mind to cross my arms over my chest, but stopped when Will sucked in a breath.

“Beautiful, you are,” he said, which made me giggle. Of course, he would choose now to go Yoda on me.

My giggles turned into gasps as he kissed and sucked my skin, causing shivers to race down my spine. He was probably leaving evidence in the form of hickeys on my neck, but that was the last thing on my mind as he kissed the spot where my breast swelled out from my chest and then downward, avoiding my nipple. Was he afraid of it? He kissed all the way around and then switched to the other breast. I made a little sound of frustration and he chuckled against my skin.

“I’m taking my time. I want to devour you, but you deserve better. You deserve slow seduction. I can’t believe I just said that. I don’t think I’ve ever used that word in my life.” I didn’t need seduction. I didn’t need slow. I didn’t need anything but him.

I twisted my hands in his hair and pulled his face up for a kiss.

“I’m yours. Go whatever speed you want.” My body was awake now, remembering this feeling. It had been a long time since I’d been with someone.

“You sure? I could light some candles, or get rose petals, or something like that,” he said as his hands rubbed the undersides of my breasts.