Slowly We Trust (2 page)

As soon as I kissed him, I knew he was going to say it. I’d known for a while that he was going to tell me he loved me. Will might have thought he’d been subtle, but he was about as subtle as a slap in the face. He was sweet, though. So sweet it broke my heart.

Will was . . . good. Will was good the way reading a book on a rainy day was good. He was good the way pancakes eaten in bed with syrup running down your chin were good.

He was too good for me.

His wide blue eyes looked at me as if I was the most wonderful thing he’d ever seen. His attention had been awkward at first. Fumbling. But even that was cute and endearing. As much as I’d tried to fight it, he’d worn me down and before I knew what was happening, I was falling for him. But falling made me think of traveling downward, when being with Will made me feel like I was floating on a cloud, boosted by his smile and his bad jokes, and the way his hair fell in his face.

But it wasn’t meant to be, no matter how much I wanted it. So when he said he loved me, I couldn’t say it back. No, I could only say, “Thank you.”

He blinked and the glow of happiness he’d had when he told me faded, like blowing out a candle flame.

“Thank you?” he repeated. That was the best response I’d come up with, but it was still terrible. Inadequate. I might as well have punched him in the face.

Confetti fell all around us, getting stuck in his hair and dusting his shoulders. It was probably all over me too. Everyone around us was cheering and embracing and excited. But Will . . . sweet Will.

“I’m . . . I’m so sorry, Will,” I said and I couldn’t handle him looking at me anymore. I fled to Lottie’s room so he wouldn’t see me cry.

Happy New Year.

“I don’t understand,” Lottie said, pacing her room. I sat on her bed next to Trish and Katie. We’d taken our party hats off, but each of us still had confetti in our hair and little bits of it kept falling off Lottie as she walked back and forth.

Her room was just as I’d pictured: cluttered and full of books. Well, at least on her side. Poor Lottie and Will had to share a room, but at least it was big enough that they could each have their own space and there was a curtain to separate her half.

I’d asked her to pull the curtain so I couldn’t see Will’s half. I didn’t want to see his clothes scattered all over the floor and his sheets on the bed and posters of his favorite shows and movies on the wall. I didn’t want to be confronted with him right now. But in this house, escaping him was somewhat impossible.

“I just don’t get it. Clearly, you love him and clearly, he loves you. So what’s the problem?” She seemed to forget that when she had completely fallen for Zan, she had to overcome several huge obstacles in order to move forward with him. Same with Katie and Stryker. But my situation was different. They just didn’t know why.

I considered all of them my friends, but I just couldn’t seem to tell them everything. I’d tried, so many times. Especially with Lottie. She was so easy to talk to. Like her brother. I’d found myself telling her details of my life I’d never shared with anyone. An open book I was not, and I’d been comfortable with that for years.

“I just . . . I couldn’t say it back,” I said, which was the best explanation I could give without saying more.

“So you don’t love him?” Katie said, hugging one of Lottie’s pillows.

“I . . .” It had grown harder and harder to lie to them, to these girls who had somehow become my friends, despite me trying to push them away. We’d been through a lot, the kind of things that bonded you like nothing else could. In only a few short months, I’d become closer with them than I’d ever been with any human beings before. Not my parents, not my brother or my sister, not anyone in my family. But my distance from my family was somewhat self-inflicted.

They’d given up on me, but Lottie, Katie and Trish hadn’t. Yet.

“Look, we don’t have to talk about it,” Katie said. She’d worn a pink dress, of course, and it exactly matched the new pink streaks in her hair. She’d lost her father and she was doing so well. I couldn’t imagine even being able to get out of bed in her situation, but she had a great support system. She was close with her sister, and then there was Stryker, who had stepped up and been her one-man support team. He’d brought all of us together to go and be there for her at the funeral. I was in awe of their relationship.

Something made me wonder, if Will and I had been in the same position, if he would have done that for me. I shook my head, and tried to clear it of thoughts of him.

I shouldn’t have come tonight, but I didn’t have any reason to say no, and I hadn’t been 100 percent sure that Will would tell me that he loved me.

There was a knock at the door, and then Will’s voice made my heart twist painfully.

“Can I talk to Audrey, please?” Everyone looked at me and I nodded.

Lottie unlocked the door and let him in.

“Alone, Lot,” he said when she didn’t move, but Katie and Trish exited after giving me worried looks.

“Okay, but don’t do anything to make her upset. That’s all I’m asking,” Lottie said, touching Will on the shoulder. He might have been her brother and she would fight to the death for him, but she was also my friend.

Will closed the door behind Lottie and leaned his forehead on it, not turning around to look at me.

“I knew I shouldn’t have said it. That was so stupid. I’m so sorry, Aud.” The sound of his nickname for me made it even worse. I wished, in that moment, that a sinkhole would open up under me and suck me away so I wouldn’t have to keep hurting him.

“Will, it’s not your fault. It’s mine. I’m so sorry.” My voice made him turn around. His eyes were red, but he wasn’t actually crying. The pain evident in them went right to my heart, a dagger sunk up to the hilt.

“You’re really going to do the ‘it’s not you, it’s me’ speech? Are you serious right now?” He ripped his hands through his hair, which loosed some of the confetti that had gotten caught. He was going to be finding it a week from now.

I had no response to his anger.

“I’m so sorry.” He shook his head and yanked the curtain back before sitting down next to me. I should have moved away, but I couldn’t.

“Are you just realizing this, or have you known all along that you didn’t want to be with me?” I would have to choose my words carefully, so I didn’t give him the wrong idea. Before he’d shared his feelings, I could pretend that this wasn’t anything serious. We were just going out and having fun and flirting and kissing. Nothing more. I thought I’d kept my distance enough that Will wouldn’t feel that way about me—that he couldn’t—but I’d underestimated Will Anders, and it wasn’t the first time.

“It’s not that I don’t want to be with you. I do. But I can’t . . . I can’t do the relationship thing.” That was the best way to put it so he would understand.

He looked down at his hands.

“Then what have we been doing up until now?” He turned his head and I had to look away from his eyes.

“We’d never declared that we were together, so I just thought we were . . . dating, for lack of a better term. You can date without it being serious.” Whenever anyone had asked if we were together, Will had sensed that I was uncomfortable with the topic and he’d changed the subject. If he did ask about it, I always put him off. I couldn’t do that anymore. It was time to define what we were, or what we were going to be.

“I know about dating, Aud. I’ve dated girls before. I’ve hooked up with girls before. But you’re . . . you. You’re different. I thought this was different. I was with another girl for almost two years and I didn’t feel this way, or share things with her like I do with you. I’m sorry if what I said scared you, but I wanted you to know I was committed to this, to making this work . . .” I stopped him from talking with a kiss. He and Lottie both had a tendency to ramble and I couldn’t listen to him trying to explain himself anymore.

So I kissed him, but he pushed me away.

“What was that? You say that you don’t want to be together, and then you kiss me. What is going on with you, Aud?” He plucked some confetti from my hair and I pushed his hand away.

“Nothing is going on with me, Will.” Of course, that was a lie. Everything was going on with me. Just that simple touch of my hair, and his shoulder brushing mine, and the tingle left over from his kiss made my entire body hum and want to kiss him again.

“Is it your past? Lottie told me about your ex. But I’m not him. I would never hurt you, Audrey.” He meant it, every word, and I believed him.

“It’s not about my ex. I’m sorry, Will. I’m just so sorry.” I couldn’t hold back the tears anymore, and they spilled over, falling into my dress like raindrops.

“Shh, it’s okay.” Will put his arms around me and pulled me into his chest. He rubbed my back and let me cry into his shirt. I tried not to inhale his scent, but it was impossible not to. All I wanted was sink back on the bed and let him kiss me and make me forget the past, but that wasn’t possible. It couldn’t be forgotten. It wouldn’t.

“I’m so sorry,” I said one more time before I sat up and wiped the rest of the tears from my eyes.

“It’s okay,” Will said, sliding away from me.

It wasn’t.

“I don’t understand this. At all,” Lottie said the next morning as we made breakfast. The girls (and Brady) had stayed in our bedroom and the boys had camped out in the living room. Our parents had threatened to come and check on us in the middle of the night to make sure we were keeping separate sleeping arrangements, and past experiences told me that they wouldn’t hesitate to do so.

It seemed stupid, to keep such a tight leash on us when we were at home, because we could do pretty much whatever we wanted at school and they would never know, but I wasn’t going to point that out.

“Me neither.” I hadn’t gotten any sleep and was still reeling from last night. I’d planned it out in my head and my plan had gone seriously awry.

Lottie was busy whipping a huge batch of eggs together and I was supposed to be working on cutting up fruit, but I was too distracted.

“Did she say anything to you?” I asked Lottie as I jabbed the knife into an apple.

“Are you sure you don’t need any help?” Zan called from the living room.

“No! Mind your own business,” Lottie yelled back. She’d volunteered to make New Year’s breakfast for everyone. And as her twin, I was also roped into helping.

“You’re putting me in a tricky position, William. On the one hand, you’re my twin and I love you and I would never lie to you. But on the other, Audrey is my friend and there is a very strict code about what I can and can’t tell you.”

I didn’t care about twin code, or girl code. I just wanted her to tell me.

“With that said, no, she didn’t say anything. I tried to talk to her, but I let it go. She probably didn’t want to talk to me simply based on the fact that I am your sister. That’s kind of awkward, you have to admit.” I could give her that.

“I know,” I said, pushing down on the knife so it cut the apple in half.

“It just doesn’t make sense, though,” Lottie said, pouring the mass of eggs into two frying pans.

“I know,” I said again. That seemed to be the only thing I could say. Raucous laughter from the living room made us both look up.

“They’d better not be getting into trouble,” Lottie said, craning her neck to try to see into the living room. I thought about telling her that she’d sounded exactly like Mom, but I decided against it.

Breakfast with Audrey was awkward, but there was such a large group that the conversation kept going. I didn’t have to sit next to Audrey, but I could still see her out of the corner of my eye. She looked like she’d gotten about as much sleep as I had.

“The upside of not drinking on New Year’s is no hangover!” Simon said, raising his glass of orange juice. He did have a point.

“Hear, hear!” I said, and raised mine. We kept toasting over and over for stupid reasons. I caught Audrey looking at me several times, but I pretended not to see it.

After Lottie made everyone help her clean up and get our house back in order for our parents’ arrival, everyone started to head back to their respective dwellings. We didn’t have to be back to school for another week, so Lottie and I were staying at home, along with Simon, who had gotten into yet another fight with his parents about being gay and was temporarily kicked out and crashing on our couch.

Audrey was the last to leave and had been deep in conversation with Lottie in our bedroom.

“It will work out, Will,” Simon said. “You’re the guy who gets the girl. Trust me.” Not right now, I wasn’t. I was the idiot who said he loved a girl and she said “thank you.” Did that actually happen? In addition to it hurting my heart and my pride, it was embarrassing as shit.

“Aw, come on Willy, it’s a new year. Fresh starts, new promise. All that carp.” Simon never swore, but always came up with hilarious alternatives, and that one made me smile a little.

“Ah, there it is. I knew you could smile.” Simon grinned at me and tossed a game controller at me. We blew up a bunch of shit as I waited for Audrey. I had no idea what I was going to say to her, but I’d planned what I was going to say last night and look how that turned out.

Audrey and Lottie finally emerged, just as Simon’s phone rang. I knew who it was just based on the way he said, “Hey.”

“I know . . . I know . . . I miss you too,” he said, his voice changing completely as he paused the game and went to chat with Brady. Jesus, the two of them had seen each other a few hours ago, but they were inseparable. No, I wasn’t jealous. Not at all.

Okay, maybe a little. Or a lot. I was distracted from my jealousy by Lottie giving Audrey a hug and saying something in her ear before leaving, giving me a significant look on her way out. Like I wouldn’t have figured out what she was doing.

“Hey,” Audrey said, sitting on the other end of the couch, as far as she could from me. That was as clear a signal as any. But I was going to play it cool. Or try to.

“Hey,” I said, setting the controller down. My ex had hated the hours I’d “wasted” by gaming, but Audrey had never seemed to mind. She actually joined in sometimes, even though she always got killed within a few minutes. It was cute to see her trying so hard. Guess that was over now.

“I know that you probably hate me right now, and you probably never want to see me again, but I’d really like it if we could be friends. I like hanging out with you and I don’t want things to be weird with Lottie. Do you think we might be able to do that?” I didn’t like the way she was talking to me. Like I was a child or something. I also hated what she was saying. That she’d decided how our relationship was going to be now. Without even consulting me or giving me a reason why.

I wanted to get up and kiss her. Or yell at her. Or make her tell me why the hell we couldn’t be together.

I did none of those things. She’d hurt me last night, more than I’d ever tell anyone, but my fear of losing her altogether overwhelmed that hurt. If I couldn’t have her, at least being near her was the next best thing. It would have to be enough.

“I don’t hate you, Audrey. And I’d like to be friends.” I put out my hand for her to shake, because it seemed like we needed to seal this somehow.

“Oh. Good. Friends then.” She shook my hand for only a second, and then she turned away, like she didn’t want me to see her face. Was she crying?

I did not understand Audrey Valdez.

I’d explained to Lottie, to the best of my ability, why I couldn’t date Will.

“I get what you’re saying, and I know where you’re coming from, believe me, but if I’ve learned anything from the situation with Zan, it’s that the things you think stand in your way aren’t real. They weren’t for me anyway. And the other thing I learned? Love will bite you on the ass when you least expect it and there’s nothing you can do. You have to hold on and let it.” She made it sound so easy. It had been easy with Will.

“Just tell me you’ll think about it,” Lottie said, giving me a hug. I couldn’t believe that she was taking my rejection of her brother so well. Will had taken it much better than I thought he would, too. We could go back to just being friends. I couldn’t lose him altogether any more than I could lose Lottie. They didn’t need me, but I needed them. More than they would ever know.

My hands shook as I pulled out of their driveway and headed back home. It was a two-hour drive, but I had a lot to think about during those hours.

I hadn’t really told Mom about Will. Not specifically. I said that I had some friends, but never named them, and she didn’t ask. That wasn’t unusual. We barely spoke these days.

Only my sixteen-year-old brother Marco was home when I got back, and he was sacked out on the couch, his hand in a bag of chips.

“Where’s Mom and Dad?” I asked when he just sort of waved at me in greeting, not taking his eyes from the television screen. His excuse for watching so much television was that he wanted to be a movie director, but he never actually did anything to reach that goal other than watch movies constantly. Unlike my sister, Angel, who had married a man who owned an organic farm and had moved to the middle of nowhere to raise fainting goats and chickens and grow apples. We rarely saw her, because she couldn’t leave the farm that often.

“Out. I don’t know. They left a note in the kitchen.” I couldn’t find the supposed note, and it didn’t really matter. I dropped my stuff back in my room and went to take my first shower of the new year. If only it could wash away the guilt that coursed through my veins.

I’d had to rush out the door of Lottie and Will’s so he wouldn’t see me cry. That would be my downfall. If he saw me cry, then I would have fallen apart and taken it all back.

No, this was for the best.

I finished my shower and got dressed before venturing into the kitchen for an apple and some cheese. I didn’t really feel like eating, but I needed something to do.

I sat down next to Marco and reached for the bag of chips, but he growled at me. I smacked him on the shoulder and took the bag anyway.

“What is your problem? It’s all crumbs anyway.” I took the bag and tossed it away and brought him a fresh one. Marco had the metabolism of an athlete without actually exercising. No matter what he ate, he maintained a trim figure. My body would definitely not stay slim on his diet.

“What are we watching?” He shushed me and turned up the volume.

Judging by the dialogue, it was a Tarantino flick. It only took me watching for thirty seconds to realize it was
Pulp Fiction
. Again. He’d seen this a million times already. I’d seen it a million times already, but I needed something to focus my mind on instead of Will’s heartbroken face when I’d crushed him last night, or technically it was this morning.

I nibbled my snack and watched the movie play in front of me, but I couldn’t shut out the image of the hurt in Will’s eyes.

If only I’d listened to my instincts and ended it sooner. I’d spent the past few weeks pulling away from him, thinking that the relationship would die on its own and I wouldn’t have to do anything to hasten its demise.

I’d underestimated Will’s affection for me. Completely. He’d been so excited on Christmas, even though we couldn’t spend it together. I’d gotten him a gift card because I thought it was a platonic enough present, but at the last minute, I’d found a framed
Star Wars
poster when I’d been looking for a present for my brother and I had to get it for him.

We’d agreed to wait to exchange presents in person, so he and Lottie had met me halfway between our houses at a restaurant. Carrying the poster in had been extremely embarrassing, but when Will had opened it, he’d been so happy that I could barely stand it.

And then he’d given me my gift. When he’d handed me an envelope, I’d assumed that he’d taken the easy road and gotten me a gift card. That was what I was hoping for.

The card had been sweet and funny, but what was in the card made me gasp.

“Two tickets to Universal Studios, and two open-ended plane tickets. Since I can’t bring Hogwarts to you, I’m bringing you to Hogwarts. Or at least the American version,” he said with the biggest smile I’d ever seen on his face.

I had to put the card down because my hand was shaking so badly.

“You didn’t have to do that Will.” I couldn’t believe he’d done that.

“I know I didn’t have to, but I wanted to. You’re always talking about how much you’ve been dying to go, and I thought this was something we could do together. Just the two of us.” He reached for my hand and I numbly gave it to him because I didn’t know what else to do.