SM 101: A Realistic Introduction (10 page)

A major point is that abusive incidents usually become more severe, and the time between the incidents usually becomes shorter. Eventually major destruction, even the death of the abused and/or the abuser, will take place.

The cycle of violence must be broken as early as possible. The key to breaking the cycle is simple: Get outside help! A third party must become involved, and both parties must know that.

This third party should be someone with professional training in dealing with abuse, such as a physician, psychotherapist, or religious counselor. (Note: Some professionals are better than others at dealing with abuse, so finding effective help may involve contacting more than one person.)

Involving well-meaning friends or family members may make the situation much worse. For example, threats by the victim’s friends to the abuser about what will happen “if you ever do this again” are likely to do little except raise tensions, and perhaps even provoke a fatal confrontation.

He looks so beautiful down there.

The people involved must not fool themselves into thinking that a pattern of abusive behavior is something they can solve between themselves. In particular, victims and abusers must not kid themselves that “better behavior” on the victim’s part will prevent further abuse.

If more than one abusive incident has occurred, it’s time to get outside help. If even one incident occurs involving
any
physical injury, it’s time to call the police.

One positive note: Abuse is learned behavior much more than most people think it is. An abuser is not necessarily evil or weak, but they need to see that their abusive behavior is harming their relationships and driving people away. It helps to view the abuser as someone who needs to learn alternative ways of effectively dealing with frustration and anger.

All communities have resources available to help both abusers and their victims. Your telephone book, particularly the front section of the white pages, lists local resources.

For additional help contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline at (800) 799-SAFE (799-7233).

SM and Censorship

SM is a negotiated form ofsafe, consensual, erotic interaction between adults. By definition, it is not abusive, exploitative, violent, demeaning, or otherwise harmful to its participants. If an activity is somehow abusive, exploitative, violent, demeaning, or otherwise harmful then, also by definition, it is not SM.

Submissives should be a renewable resource.

There’s an interesting anti-SM book out there called “Against Sadomasochism: A Radical Feminist Perspective.” I’ve read it, and, frankly, I was disappointed. In a way, I was looking forward to reading some skilled criticism. One often learns a lot that way. Unfortunately, most of the arguments seemed to boil down to, “Well, I just think that stuff is gross.” Only one essay came close to scaring me. A fairly sharp lady presented an argument against SM that consisted of five interrelated points, and I agreed with four of them! It was the only time anybody has ever come close to talking me out of this on a purely intellectual, reasoned basis.

One specific point they repeatedly raise is that our society is so patriarchal that women cannot validly consent to participate in SM. In other words, they specifically reject the “consensuality defense.” Of course, I don’t suppose these authors would say that our society is so patriarchal that a woman cannot validly consent to have an abortion. After all, a woman’s right to decide what she does with her own body is one of their most fundamental principles — almost an article of religious faith.

So, if I get this straight, their argument is that our society is not so patriarchal that a woman is not competent to decide what to do with her body
after
she has had sex (i.e., have an abortion if she deems that necessary), but it is so patriarchal that a woman is not competent to decide what to do with her body
while
she is having sex. I’m reminded of the only-semi-joking saying that the only “truly politically correct” form of sex is celibate lesbianism, including no masturbation.

(I imagine that now I’ll be the recipient of that current withering phrase, “You just don’t get it.” That has become the current feminist argument-winning statement. You don’t have to prove that your opponent is wrong and you are right, you don’t have to present evidence that supports your case, and you don’t even have to respond to your opponent’s assertions or present a case of your own. You simply look witheringly at them and scornfully say, “You just don’t get it, do you?” Then you leave the stage, pausing briefly to acknowledge the wildly cheering audience.)

From time to time, various laws are proposed, often by a rather uneasy coalition of “feminists” and right-wing fundamentalists, to outlaw the production and distribution of “all that weird sex stuff.” Sociologists often refer to flurries of such activity as “sex panics.” (We seem to be going through such a panic right now.) This is often allegedly done to, among other things, protect our children. (There’s a saying that dates back to ancient times, and it loosely translates as, “When all else fails, accuse them of corrupting our youth.” Furthermore, this argument is often effective regardless of the facts, as Socrates learned.)

I left my toy bag on the bus!

Nowadays, we see diligent actions to prevent the publication and distribution of “violent pornography” (that’s code for SM), “patently offensive acts,” and similar material. A catch-phrase that often appears is something to the effect of “including depictions of bestiality, pedophilia, and sadomasochism.” In other words, we folks who enjoy SM-type videos, no matter how mild and consensual, get lumped in with those who enjoy watching videos of people having sex with children or sex with animals. And that is wrong.

SM is about consensual, negotiated erotic interaction between mentally competent, consenting,
adult human beings.
Bestiality and pedophilia are distinctly different, and that distinction deserves more recognition than it gets.

Because I am neither a bestiality fan nor a pedophile, I wouldn’t dream of attempting to plead their case for them, but I will ask that legislators and judges realize the distinctions, and not victimize SM folks with overly broad, unfair laws. I will also ask my readers to stay alert regarding new “anti-obscenity” laws. Such proposed laws are often horribly unfair and unjust, but they will get on the books unless we act. Among other things, make sure you’re registered to vote. The gay community has learned that it is large enough to wield political power if it organizes. We in the SM community are at least as large, and should pay attention to the lessons the gay community has taught us.

For more information, see the “Censorship” section in the “Finding Help with Problems” chapter.

By the way, remember that “erotica” is material that arouses me and people I like, and “pornography” is what arouses people I don’t like.

Basic Terms

A certain amount of jargon exists within the SM community. I’ve included a more complete glossary at the end of this book, but I thought I would briefly define the more commonly used words here. They’ll be showing up throughout the book, so a short introduction (in logical order, not alphabetical order) of twelve commonly used terms should be useful. (Note: There is widespread, but not universal, agreement within the community regarding these definitions.)

• Dominant: One who gives orders during SM play.

• Sadist: A person who specifically enjoys giving pain.

• Top: A generic term for someone who enjoys being dominant and/or sadistic. Many people use the word “top” to mean someone who enjoys giving sensation, as opposed to a “dominant,” who enjoys being in control of others.

• Submissive: One who obeys orders during SM play.

• Masochist: A person who specifically enjoys receiving pain.

• Bottom: A generic term for someone who enjoys being submissive and/or masochistic. Many people use the word “bottom” to mean specifically someone who enjoys being given various sensations, as opposed to a “submissive,” who enjoys being controlled.

• Switch: A person who enjoys both the top and bottom roles.

• Play: SM erotic activity involving bondage, pain, domination, and so forth.

• Scene: A meeting between two (or more) people for the purpose of SM play. Also known as a “session.”

• Toy: A piece of SM equipment such as a whip, collar, length of rope, and so forth. One “plays” with “toys” during “scenes.”

• In the scene: A member of the SM community. A person might say “I’ve been in the scene for five years.” One person might ask another, “Is so-and-so in the scene?”

• Pervert: A term of affectionate recognition with the SM community. “Hey, Pervert” is sometimes called out on the street if only the other person is within earshot.

Basic Basics

Consent

Consent is one of the most important issues, perhaps the most important issue, in SM. Before you can do something to another person, they must agree. Touching another person, or even their clothing, without their consent, regardless of the degree of force used - even if it’s minimal - is a crime. Don’t do it.

I don’t enjoy the pain. I want it as a counterbalance to the Pleasure, but I don’t like it. Masochists, on the other hand, actively en joy it.

People below the age of consent (which varies widely from state to state) cannot legally agree to participate in sex — and SM is definitely a form ofsex. This could include tying someone or being tied by them. Avoid playing with those too young to consent, even if they request it. Say no.

Also, intoxicated or unconscious persons cannot consent. If you give somebody drugs or alcohol to “short-circuit” their objections, you could face rape charges.

Finally, a person too feeble-minded or senile to understand what is happening cannot meaningfully consent. Again, having sex with them is rape.

You might find it enlightening to go to the library and get a copy of your state’s penal code. Look over the sections dealing with rape, assault, child abuse, reckless endangerment, false imprisonment, lewd and lascivious behavior, and related matters. You are expected to know what acts are illegal. Remember, “ignorance of the law is no excuse.”

Don’t extort or manipulate consent. Don’t use unfair pressure to get it. Only accept freely given consent. Examples of unfairly obtained consent include the threat of withdrawing any type of support - such as shelter - if the other person is not willing.

I know of one “dominant” who told his submissives they could refuse to obey, but if they did that ended their relationship. They had to pack and immediately leave. How contemptible! (This guy had a hard time keeping submissives. I can imagine why.)

Also, the approach of “If you really loved me, you’d do SM with me” is reprehensible, perhaps especially if you’re trying to persuade the other person to be submissive. If
you
really loved
them
you wouldn’t treat them in such an unfair way, and I hope they’re smart enough to realize that.

Informed consent includes an understanding about limits, how much or how little experience both parties have, how long the session will last, safety measures, and what specific acts will or won’t occur.

A submissive has an ethical duty to offer themselves to the dominant in a good-faith way. They should not try to control the session (or “top from below,” as it’s called - more about that later) by placing unnecessary limits. A submissive should genuinely try to accept their dominant’s desires, unless they have a specific problem or concern. (While the dominant must always honor any refusal, even an “unjustified” one, they can also decide whether to play with an overly troublesome submissive again.)

No SM on the first date.

A dominant always has an ethical duty to act with concern for the submissive’s well-being. They should never ask or demand anything from the submissive that would, in any way, seriously damage them. A dominant may wish to take a submissive further than that submissive has previously gone. (This is sometimes called “pushing limits.”) However, they must always do so with an understanding of how difficult that may be for the submissive. They also must understand that going
too
far may cause lasting damage to both the submissive and their relationship with them.

For many people (not all, not most, but many) SM offers a chance to experience some of the most intense sexuality that exists. Also, SM can and frequently does have spiritual, therapeutic, and other aspects. However, those who would try it must approach SM with caution, knowledge, skill, and an unwavering, absolute respect for their partner and their partner’s well-being.

The Silent Alarm

Private play is considerably riskier than public play. I suggest you assume there is a 99 percent probability that any potential partner is at least basically safe and ethical. That still leaves a very dangerous one percent. How do you protect yourself against that one percent without becoming so armored that you scare off
too
many of the others?

A silent alarm is a safety device used when two people who don’t know each other well meet for private play. You set up a silent alarm by telling someone you trust where you will be and with whom you will be playing. If you don’t send an “I’m safe” message by an agreed-upon time, your “silent alarm partner” should understand that means your life is in danger.

A silent alarm’s main purpose is deterrence. Therefore, diplomatically tell your prospective play partner, preferably
very
early in your negotiations, that you always have a silent alarm in place while playing with someone new. It’s also good etiquette to encourage them to set up their own alarm.