Small Crimes (18 page)

'I've
got to get out of here while I still have a little dignity intact,' I told him.

'Well,
young fellow, thanks for stopping by to see me,' he said, his eyelids half
raised. 'At least, I think so.'

I
wasn't quite sure what he meant by that. I murmured something about seeing him
around.

'Funny
about Dan showing up for that inventory,' he noted.

'Yeah,
that did seem kind of odd to me also. Well, so long.'

Morris
let his eyelids droop a bit more. 'As far as seeing me around,' he said, I certainly
hope not. At least not here in Bradley. I hope by this time tomorrow you're
walking along the sunny beaches of the west coast of Florida.'

'It's
a nice thought, Morris, but I got a meeting with my parole officer tomorrow.
But I'll be thinking about it.'

'I
hope you do more than think about it. I'd hate to see you back here.'

'Don't
worry, you won't.'

Morris
walked me out of the building and we shook hands again before parting. I walked
over to my car and sat inside, not sure what to do next. There had to be a way
out, I knew there had to be, but I couldn't come up with it. If only it could
be as simple as driving to Florida.

I
tried picturing what it would be like living in Florida. Having white sand
beaches and the ocean and hot weather. Drinking nothing but margaritas and
daiquiris, and eating fresh key lime pie, stone crabs, and shrimp the size of
my fist. I tried to imagine what it would be like living somewhere where nobody
knew me and where nobody had any vendettas against me. The idea of it sounded
so damn nice. If I took off I'd probably have six months, maybe as much as a
year, before they caught up to me. I thought about it. It was tempting, but
then it hit me how useless my life would end up being. And then I started
thinking about my daughters. After a while they were all I could think about.
More than anything I needed to hear their voices. Five minutes, that would be
all I needed. It just didn't seem too much to ask for. I sat for a while longer
and then drove to downtown Bradley, parked in front of the drugstore, and got
five dollars' worth of change.

When
I had gotten Elaine's address I had also gotten her phone number. There was a
payphone outside the drugstore. I walked over to it, took out Elaine's phone
number from my wallet, and stared at the jagged scrap of paper until I made up
my mind. I felt jumpy inside as I dialed the number. While the phone rang I
felt as if my heart was going to bust out of my chest.

A
girl's voice answered, 'Hello?'

I
tried to ask if she was Melissa but my voice cracked.

She
asked again, 'Hello, who's calling?'

This
time I was able to get my question out. My voice sounded odd to me. I realized
I was trembling.

In
a guarded voice, she said, 'No, I'm Courtney. Who's this?'

'I'm
your dad.’

‘Who?'

I
cleared my throat and tried to talk louder. 'I'm your dad, sweetheart,' I said,
my words sounding hollow as they echoed through my head. I know it's been a
long time. And I know you probably don't remember me, but I wanted to call to tell
you that I've always been thinking of you and that I love you.'

She
must've put down the phone. I don't think she heard most of what I said. I
heard her yelling, 'Mom, there's a strange man on the phone who says he's my
dad.'

I
heard a more distant yelling, probably from Elaine. I couldn't make out what
she was saying. Only that her voice sounded frantic. Then I heard a rumbling
noise, probably somebody running.

Elaine
had picked up the receiver. I don't want you calling again,' she said.

'Elaine,
all I want to do is talk to my daughters—'

'You're
not going to.' Her voice had become deadly calm. It kind of surprised me how
calm it was. 'Tomorrow I'm going to get an unlisted phone number. I'm not going
to let the girls answer the phone until we have the new number, so don't bother
wasting your time.'

I
heard a click as she hung up.

I
stood there feeling as if I barely had the strength to move. Somehow I hung up
the receiver and got back into my car. It hadn't fully hit me how important my
girls were to me until I tried talking to Courtney. I had to find a way to live
for my two girls. I had to give my life meaning for them. Otherwise, what the
hell was the point of anything? The thought of that overwhelmed me. I sat still
and forced myself to concentrate. Eventually I came up with a plan. It was a
long shot, but given that Phil was off limits, it was the best I could come up
with.

Chapter 12

I
stopped off at the information desk to ask whether Charlotte Boyd was working.
The woman at the desk seemed familiar. She was about my age, attractive except
for some small red blotches around her nose and premature gray hair. I saw from
her name tag that she was Alice Cook. I remembered an Alice Harrison from high
school and was pretty sure it was the same person. Fortunately she didn't
recognize me. She couldn't have - she was being too nice. After she checked the
hospital work schedule, she told me that Charlotte had this Sunday off.

Are
you a friend of Charlotte's?' she asked.

'I
only met her the other day,' I said. 'We had coffee together and I was hoping
to see her again.'

She
gave me a smile as if to say isn't that sweet. 'Charlotte's such a nice girl.
Quiet, but very nice. If she used some makeup and did something with her hair,
she'd be quite pretty.'

That
was stretching it. She'd still have those nervous eyes and a mousy look about
her. Still, I appreciated the effort. I agreed with her and asked if she could
give me Charlotte's home number and address.

'I'm
sorry, but that's against hospital policy,' she said. I could tell she wasn't
happy with the policy. Her eyes brightened. 'Charlotte might be listed in the
phonebook.'

She
found the Bradley phonebook and started searching through it. 'Here it is.' She
pointed the listing out to me. I borrowed a pen from her and wrote the address
and phone number on the back of the scrap of paper on which I'd written
Elaine's phone number.

'I
hope she's home,' she said.

'I
hope so too,' I agreed. 'She's all I'm able to think about right now.'

She
gave me another of those isn't that so sweet smiles. I nodded to her as I
headed off in the direction of the terminal patient ward. She looked a little
confused. I guess she had expected me to run off and try to find Charlotte. But
there was something else I needed to do first.

When
I got to Manny's room, I found him alone. He was propped up on his bed watching
TV. His eyes shifted to the side as he noticed me, but he didn't say anything.

'Jesus
Christ,' I said. I thought you'd be keeled over and dead by now. So much for
wishful thinking.'

He
scrunched up what was left of his face and made an expression as if he had
tasted something foul. 'You kiss your ma with a mouth like that?' he asked. His
expression shifted to something ill tempered. 'And don't worry about me,' he
added. I got two months left and I'm going to be here every goddam second of
it.'

I
walked over to his bed and sat on the side of it. I could tell he didn't like
me sitting there, but he didn't say anything. 'What are you watching?' I asked.

'Pats-Jets
game,' he muttered, half under his breath. Then his body started to convulse
with what must've been laughter. It sounded more like a broken garbage
disposal. 'You want any action on it, call my son,' he said when he could. 'Any
amount you want to put down.' Then he started laughing some more. When he
finished, he asked, 'What the hell you want?'

'Nothing much. I just thought I'd visit an old
friend.’ I got news for you, I never thought of us as friends.’

‘Yeah, well, neither did I.'

'What
do you know? You're not as dumb as I thought you were. So what you here for?'

'It
kind of bothered me the way we left things the other day,' I said.

He
didn't respond. He just shifted his cold, dead eyes sideways so he could watch
me.

'After
all,' I said, 'I have no right to tell you what you can and can't do. If you
want to confess all your sins to Phil that's your business. I just don't see
what good it would do you. I'm curious, why not make a confession to a real
priest? Phil's not even Catholic.'

'Who says I want to confess jack to anyone?'

'Come
on, Manny, I'm just talking hypothetical. I don't blame you for wanting to
unburden yourself. But why not do it right and use a priest? I can help you
find one if you want.'

His
wasted face puckered up into something akin to aggrievement. I never liked
priests much,' he said.

'Look,
Manny, have you talked this over with your son? He's not going to be happy with
this. Even if Phil honors the deal you make, Manny Jr. is going to lose
everything he's got. And he'll be watched by the law every second of the rest
of his life. You'll be forcing him into a mundane, blue-collar existence. He'll
probably end up having to bag groceries at Food Mart.'

As
I stared at him, as I watched him shift uncomfortably in his bed, I realized
that he wasn't just trying to save his own soul. That part of his rationale for
making a deal with Phil was to force Junior out of the business. That he was
trying to save Junior's soul also.

I
started laughing. I couldn't help myself. As Manny stared back at me, I could
see in his eyes that he knew that I knew what was really going on. There was no
kidding each other anymore.

'You
should think about getting your affairs in order, Joe.' I appreciate your
concern.'

We
were both quiet then, both deep in our own thoughts. After a while Manny
announced that he was feeling tired and he wanted me to leave.

'And
don't bother blabbing your ideas to my son,' he warned me.’

‘Cause
I admitted nothing.'

As
I looked at him, I felt a blind fury overtake me. This sonofabitch was all set
to ruin me because of some bullshit notion of saving his psychotic lunatic son.

'It's
not going to be as simple as you think, Manny,' I said.

'I
don't know what you're talking about.'

'You
don't, huh? You think everything a criminal like you says is going to be taken
at face value?'

'Look
Joe, you're the convicted felon here, not me. And I'm not saying I'm confessing
anything. But if I do, it's going to be the truth.'

'The
truth according to who? A piece of scum like you?'

"The
truth, Joe. Like how you were the guy who beat Billy Ferguson to death.'

He
showed me that 'go screw yourself smile of his that I knew so well, and as I
watched him gloat I could feel a hotness flush my face. He got to me. That was
still no excuse, but he got to me.

'So
that's going to be your story?' I half heard myself asking. "The thing is
I remember playing poker that night and I'm sure I can line up friends who'll
vouch for me. So who did you really send to collect? Junior? Is that what this
is all about?'

His
body started convulsing again, making that same broken-down garbage disposal
noise. When he was done laughing, he looked me straight in the eye. 'What
friends you got these days, Joe?' he asked, and then he started laughing again,
his body convulsing harder than before.

I
had to get out of there. I knew I made a mistake talking about

Billy
Ferguson with him, but as I had said, he got to me, and the words just slipped
out. I couldn't help myself. Everything was a haze as I made my way towards the
elevator and then down to the main lobby. I could sort of make out Alice Cook
as I walked past her desk. I think she said something to me, but I'm not sure.
I just had to get out of there. I had to get that noise of his convulsing
laughter out of my head. When I got to my car I sat for a long time. There was
no doubt about any of it anymore. There was no longer even a tiny glimmer of
hope. If I didn't shut Manny up I was going to be spending the rest of my days
in prison.