Small Crimes (8 page)

'When
I was in jail I realized that for a long time I've only been drifting along,' I
said. "There's nothing of any meaning in my life now, at least nothing
positive. I need to change that—'

'You
can change that, Joe. You can do something positive by leaving Courtney and
Melissa alone.'

'You're
acting as if I'm some kind of monster. Elaine, I mean Elise, I made one
mistake—'

'One
mistake? You stole eighty thousand dollars and tried to hide the fact by
setting Phil's office on fire. When he caught you in the act, you tried to kill
him and ended up maiming him horribly. That's your one mistake? But you've done
more than that. You've spent far more money on drugs and gambling than you
possibly could've earned in a lifetime as a police officer. I don't know how
you made all that money, but I know it wasn't legal. It wasn't that you made
only one mistake, Joe. Let's be honest. You were only caught once, but you've
been making mistakes for almost as long as we were married.'

'Everything's
so damn black and white with you, huh, Elaine? And you're as pure as the driven
snow?'

'Joe,
I didn't come here to fight with you.'

'Fuck
you. Let's see if you can be so damn honest with yourself. When I was drowning
in cocaine and gambling, what were you doing? Did you try once to help me?'

'I
was afraid of you!'

'Come
on, you want us both to be honest now. I never hit you or the girls. I almost
never even raised my voice. You were the one who was yelling most of the time.
Who are you kidding that you were afraid of me?'

'You
pulled a gun on me. On me and Melissa!'

'That's
right,' I said, lowering my voice. I did that once. And it makes me sick to
think about it. But you know that as coked up as I was, I never would have hurt
either of you. So Elaine, you want to know the real reason you never tried to
help me?'

'You
would never have let me help you.'

'Yeah,
right, keep telling yourself that. Back then I was begging for help, but you
just watched and let me drown. And you know why? Because you were so damn
embarrassed about what our neighbors and your coffee club and your precious
playgroups would think if word got out that your husband was a coke addict and
a degenerate gambler.'

The
waitress came with my club sandwich and apple pie, but I had lost my appetite.
I just sat and watched Elaine as she tried to regain her composure. I could see
some doubt flickering in her eyes. She knew there was more than a grain of
truth in what I said, just as I knew there was in what she had said.

I
tried to change the subject. 'How about those pictures?' I asked. I've been
dying to see pictures of Melissa and Courtney.'

'I
didn't bring any.'

'What?'

'I'm
sorry, Joe,' she said, 'it wouldn't do any good to show you pictures. I'm not
letting you back into our lives. For everyone's sake, please just forget about
us.'

'Goddam
you, Elaine. You couldn't even let me see pictures of my girls? And what the
hell are you doing cutting off my parents? Not even letting them see their
grandkids?'

'Perfect
note for me to leave on,' she said. 'I'll walk. Don't bother getting up.'

At
this point I was simmering. Probably hot enough to fry an egg on. In as calm a
tone as I could possibly muster, I told her, 'Don't kid yourself that you're
holding all the cards. Custody orders can be changed.'

She
had started to get up, but she sat back down.

'You
couldn't handle a custody hearing, Joe.'

And
why's that?'

She
showed me a smug little smile. 'For the same reason you pled guilty after you
were arrested. I know you've probably convinced yourself it was so you could
spare Phil the trauma of having to sit through a trial. But as you've been
saying, let's be honest with ourselves. You pled guilty because it was the easy
way out. If you'd had a trial, you would've had to sit and listen to all the
evidence piled against you. You couldn't do that, just like you couldn't sit through
a custody hearing and listen to. all the crappy things you've done over the
years. It's not something you're capable of.'

'I
might surprise you.'

She
nodded. 'You might, Joe. But I don't think so.'

I
sat and stared at her as she sat smug and believing she had a clue what I was
all about. I took a deep breath and tried to get myself under control. This
wasn't what-I had wanted.

'Elaine,'
I said. 'I'm sorry, Elise, I came here to try to reconcile with you, and to let
you know that I plan on making up to Melissa and Courtney for being such a
rotten father and for all this lost time. I wish you felt differently towards
me. I don't want to fight you, but I am going to be part of my daughters'
lives.'

'Joe,
I know in your head all of this makes sense to you. I know you think you can
magically become this good person and dad to our daughters, but trust me, it
won't work out that way. It could never work out that way with you. You'll end
up hurting them. And I'm not going to let that happen.'

'I
guess I'll see you in court, then,' I said.

She
stood up. I could see her trembling slightly. She started to walk away, but she
stopped and faced me. 'Joe,' she said, I am going to hope that you have grown
somewhat. Maybe you'll realize you can give your life meaning by giving our
daughters a chance. I wish you the best.'

'Godammit!'
I had the money Dan had given me in my pants pocket, the bills rolled up and
held in place with an elastic band. I slipped a hundred dollar bill from it,
wrapped the bills back up with the band, and tossed the roll to Elaine. 'That's
over six thousand dollars,' I told her. 'Use it for our daughters.'

Her
eyes narrowed as she stared at me. 'How'd you get this money, Joe?'

"What
difference does it make?'

'Some
things never change, do they?' She dropped the roll of bills onto the floor.
'I'm not touching your dirty money.'

'Jesus
Christ, Elaine, don't be so fucking dramatic. I'll just mail it to you, then.'

'You
do and I'll burn it.'

She
walked out of the coffee shop. I sat frozen as I stared at the roll of bills
that she had dropped. Other people in the coffee shop were doing the same. A
heavyset man with long greasy hair got up and started to bend down to pick up
the money. I told him if he touched it, I'd bust his head.

'Hey,
it don't bother me how dirty it is,' he said, still reaching for the roll. 'If
you guys don't want it...'

I
repeated myself about busting his head. He backed away and sat back down.

I
got up and picked up the money. Then I settled the bill and headed back to
Bradley.

Chapter 7

On
my drive back to Bradley, I thought about Elaine and knew I shouldn't have
expected anything different from her. She had closed herself off to me a long
time ago - as she had every reason in the world to. I had abandoned my family
when I'd drifted into cocaine and gambling, and maybe even before that. Most
evenings I was out of the house until past midnight and most mornings I snuck
out without saying a word to anyone. I guess I was hiding from them. I felt
dirty and had gotten paranoid that my little girls would see how dirty I had
become. I couldn't deal with that, so I hid from them.

Melissa
and Courtney were six and four when I was arrested. Now they were fourteen and
twelve and I had almost no memories of them. I couldn't even imagine what they
looked like now - I could barely even remember what they looked like back then.
Just about the only good memories I had were of Courtney's first birthday.

I
had no chance of ever reconciling with Elaine. Thinking otherwise was a pipe
dream, and thinking that I could get back into my girls' lives was an even
bigger pipe dream. Elaine was right. I blew whatever chance I had with my girls
and in no way did I deserve another, not after all the things I'd done. Not
with all the baggage and bodies and damage dragging behind me.

Melissa
and Courtney didn't deserve that. I guess at some level I had known that for a
long time.

It
was funny, but my reason for driving up was to give Elaine the six grand and to
talk her into letting my parents see my kids. I screwed up on both fronts.
Seeing her, I just started kidding myself, and then once she just started
pushing my buttons, I guess I had to start pushing hers also. That was the
thing with the two of us, we knew how to push each other's buttons.

Elaine
and I had known each other since we were in grade school; she was my first and
only girlfriend and we were married at nineteen, and now we were nothing more
than strangers. It made me sick inside to realize how tightly her heart had
closed to me. I hadn't seen her for almost eight years, but as soon as I did I
realized I still had feelings for her. I knew how tough things had to have been
making it on her own these past eight years. She had no other family, no one
but the girls. An older brother had died in Vietnam and her dad never quite got
over that and died of either a broken heart or a heart attack (take your pick)
when she was in high school. Her mom got sick after that and lingered long
enough to see us get married. She had some uncles and aunts in other states,
but I knew she wasn't close to any of them. I wish she had stayed close to my
parents, but I wasn't going to cause her any more grief, especially after
everything I'd put her through.

When
she started walking out of the coffee shop I realized how I needed to give my
life meaning. I know this will sound corny, but it became so clear to me - I
had to live in a way that Melissa and Courtney could be proud of. Also, just as
importantly, I needed to support my girls and Elaine. Whatever I could do
financially I was going to do. I made up my mind then. I would throw away the
pension papers. Whatever money I was going to make, I would make honestly. And
I would send Elaine and my girls whatever I could. In my heart I made a promise
to my girls that that was what I was going to do.

I
still badly wanted to see Melissa and Courtney; even if it was only for five
minutes. If for no other reason than so I could tell them how sorry I was. How
they deserved so much better. But again, what good would it do them? Probably
just screw them up.

Fuck
it.

It
was three in the afternoon by the time I arrived at Bradley Memorial Hospital.
I checked at the front desk and got Manny's room number. He had a private room
and I could see him - or at least what had to have been him - lying on a bed.
Manny used to be a thick, heavy man with skin like hard rubber. What was lying
on that bed was a third of what Manny had once been. It was almost like a
balloon that had been mostly deflated. And that thick rug of black hair he had
was gone. But it was his eyes that got me. They weren't the same hard ruthless
eyes that I used to know. Instead they were the eyes of a scared and frightened
man. I was about to walk in when I heard Phil's voice coming from a corner. I
froze for a moment and then peeked in and saw Phil sitting off to the side of
Manny. He was reading Manny the Bible, his voice droning softly over the hum
of medical equipment. And Manny was giving him full attention, his eyes wide
open and scared to death. Neither of them saw me and I moved quickly away from
the doorway. My heart was beating like a rabbit's.

A
nurse was about to enter the room. I stopped her.

'I
was hoping you could help me out,' I said, my voice barely above a whisper. 'I
need to talk privately with Manny. We're old friends but it's personal business
and it's important. Could you find me in the cafeteria when he's alone?'

She
looked like she wanted to bolt and could barely look me in the eye, but she
nodded and muttered 'okay'.

I
was in a daze as I made my way to the hospital cafeteria. I couldn't believe
what I saw in there - that image of Manny listening attentively to the Bible,
his eyes wide open and brimming with fear. Jesus Christ! That wasn't the Manny
I knew. The Manny I knew would've been flipping Phil the bird and pulling out
his catheter to piss on him if he could reach that far. I understood why Dan
was so damned worried about him spilling his guts.

The
Manny I used to know was the most ruthless sonofabitch I'd ever met. He had
moved to Vermont from the Bronx when he was in his early twenties and he was
like a piranha in a tank full of guppies. At the time I was arrested, he had
his hands in every crooked, amoral business that went on in Vermont. Drugs,
gambling, prostitution, loan sharking, extortion - you name it, Manny had his
fat hands in it. And he had no problem taking care of the dirty part of the
business himself. I don't think he enjoyed it - he wasn't a crazy sicko like
his son - but he had no problem with it.