Small Town Girl (13 page)

We stood awkwardly in the living room as
my mom and Tom made googly eyes at each other and held hands. She hadn’t dated
anyone since right after my dad died when she dated a string of losers upon
losers before vowing to give up men altogether and devoting herself to a life
of factory work and booze.

“Well, I just wanted to check on you,
Mom,” I said. “I’m in town until Sunday, then I go back to L.A.”

“Oh, so soon?” she said with a
disappointed frown.

“Yeah,” I said. “Hudson’s pretty great to
me, Mom. I hope you can meet him someday.”

“I’d love that,” she said as she squeezed
my hand.

I headed back outside and climbed into my
car. Piper had changed, Luke had changed, and now my mom had changed. It was
like I came back to a completely foreign place. It sure didn’t feel like home
anymore.

The second I walked into my apartment to
retire for the evening, I took great relief in seeing that everything was
exactly how I’d left it. It was still my sanctuary. It was still my sacred
space. I’d missed my bed.
My music collection.
My
movies.
My own, private bathroom with all of my things.

I changed into some ratty, old pajamas,
relieved that I didn’t have to worry about looking sexy for bed, and pulled out
my phone to call Hudson. I missed him so much. I was craving his voice and his
way with words. I knew he’d make me feel instantly better.

I dialed his number and waited for him to
answer. It was eleven New York time, and I hoped he’d still be awake. The phone
rang. And rang. And rang some more. He wasn’t answering. Soon his voicemail
picked up.

“That’s odd,” I said. I tried calling him
a second time. Same thing.

I refused to let my poor, exhausted mind
wander any longer or assume the worst. I knew he had early interviews with
various media outlets Saturday morning and a full day of shoots and press
junkets. He had probably gone to bed early.

I climbed into my cozy bed with my faded
comforter and shut my eyes. Within seconds, I was out.

I was startled awake the next morning by
a Google Alerts message on my phone. Like an idiot, I’d secretly subscribed to
get alerts anytime I was mentioned in the media. Someone had figured out my
name a couple weeks ago, so I was no longer called “Hudson Smith’s Mystery
Girl”.

The first headline that popped up said
“Hudson Smith Dumps Brynn Dawson”. My heart fell to the floor. I could feel
vomit rising in my throat. The walls seemed to be closing in and closing in
fast.

I clicked on the article and saw a photo
of Hudson with a tall, leggy blonde with blue eyes, but it wasn’t Ava Fox. The
caption said, “Hudson Smith Steps Out with Hadley Tennyson Parker.” According
to the article, the picture was taken Friday night and Hadley was a former
beauty queen turned newly divorced ex-wife to some music mogul. She was
gorgeous to say the least.

My eyes began to well up as hot tears
stained my cheeks and fell onto my lap. I couldn’t believe it. He was away for
me for one day and he had already found someone else. My throat felt like it
was going to swell up. I couldn’t breathe. I had to talk to him. I had to get
an explanation. There had to be a perfectly logical explanation for all of
this, I just knew it.

My hands trembled as I dialed his number
and waited for him to answer.

“Hey, gorgeous,” he picked up in the
middle of the first ring.

“Don’t,” I said.

“Huh?” he was confused.

“Why the fuck were you with Hadley
Tennyson Parker last night?” I asked. “There are pictures all over online of
the two of you walking the streets of Manhattan arm in arm.”

He started laughing.

“This is not a laughing matter, Hudson,”
I said as my voice shook. I didn’t want him to hear me cry, but I was on the
verge of sobbing.

“Hadley is an old friend of mine,” he
said. “I swear to you, Brynn.”

“Sounds a little convenient,” I said. “Is
that why you were walking so close? Huh? Is that why you couldn’t take my call
last night?”

“Some guy was hassling her,” he said. “I
ran into her last night and offered to walk her to her place.”

My stomach twisted as my mind assumed the
worst. His explanation was convenient.
Almost too convenient.

“So you went to her apartment?” I asked.

“I walked her to the door, yes,” he
replied. “Told her to have a good night and then caught a cab back to my
hotel.”

I wanted to believe him. I really did.

“Brynn,” he sighed. “You know better than
to believe anything you read online. Those sites just want the most sensational
headlines so they can generate the most ad revenue. You know how that works.
You’ve experienced it firsthand. You’ve read all the lies they’ve printed about
you.”

He had a point.

“That sounds awfully convenient,” I said.
“It’s just hard to believe you when I am looking at the pictures right in front
of me.”

“Brynn, please,” he pleaded. “I’m telling
the truth.”

“Why didn’t you answer when I called you
last night?” I asked.

“I went to bed early,” he said. “My phone
was shut off. I had a six o’clock meeting this morning with a guy from G.Q.
magazine. I went to bed around nine last night.”

“Of course you did,” I said with a snide
tone.

“Brynn,” he said as he objected my
attitude. “Come on. Don’t be ridiculous here.”

“I can’t believe I threw away my entire
future for you,” I said. My voice was becoming shrill and whiny, but I didn’t
care. “I fell for all of your lies.”

“Lies? Brynn? What are you talking about?
Calm down. Don’t do this,” he pleaded. “I have to jet off to another meeting. I
really don’t want to. I want to keep talking to you. I don’t like hearing you
like this.”

A few sobs escaped my
mouth
as I had nothing more to say to him.

“Brynn,” he said. “Please. Please calm
down. I’ll call you later okay? And I’ll see you at home tomorrow night.
Everything’s going to be fine. I can’t wait to see you tomorrow.”

He paused as he waited for me to respond,
but I couldn’t find the appropriate words to say. I was angry. I was angry
at
him. I was angry
at
myself.

I pulled the phone from my ear and hung
up.

I rolled my suitcase to my door Sunday
morning and left it standing there. The driver was going to be there any minute
to pick me up and take me to the Des Moines International Airport to fly back
to L.A. My ticket was printed and shoved in my purse, but I couldn’t bear to
look at it. I wasn’t excited to go back, but I didn’t want to stay in Rock
River either.

If I went back to L.A., I knew Hudson
would just tell me what I wanted to hear. In less than a week, he was going to
be on set with Ava Fox. I didn’t know much about her, but I knew she still had
an interest in him. She would’ve have shown up at his place if she didn’t. I
wasn’t sure I could handle another round of tabloid fodder and outrageous headlines,
especially not about Hudson and Ava.

If I stayed in Rock River, I’d have to
find a way to make things up to Luke and Piper. In their eyes, I’d left them
and come back a different person. I guess I couldn’t really blame them for
being so weird about it. Maybe I was expecting too much from them.

The black Town Car pulled up outside my
building and my heart began to race. It was too late to think about any of it
anymore. I had to make a decision. I had to stay or go. It was Rock River or
Hudson. It could never be both.

Things with Hudson had moved quickly.
Too quickly.
We had crashed and burned. Visions of the
photos of Hadley Tennyson Parker on his arm flashed in my mind, and I wanted to
throw up.

I took a deep breath and walked outside
to greet the driver.

“I’m actually going to be staying,” I
told him. “I’m so sorry I didn’t call you sooner. I just found out my flight
was cancelled.”

I was a horrible liar.

“Your flight was cancelled?” he asked as
he peered around at the clear, blue sky above us.

“Yep,” I said. I didn’t care to
elaborate. “I’m sorry. You’ll still be paid.”

He tipped his hat and got back into the
Town Car, driving away. There it was. I’d made my decision. I was staying, and
I wondered why it felt so wrong all of a sudden.

I went back in my apartment and changed
into something more comfortable. Pajamas, a fuzzy robe, and slippers were like
one giant hug. I heated up a frozen dinner and settled in front of the T.V. to
watch a movie.

I’d never felt so alone in my entire
life, but I knew I was the one responsible for it. I had caused it. I did the
damage. I had to figure out a way to make things right again, only I didn’t
know what was right anymore.

Piper was right. I was too different now.
She barely recognized me and truthfully I barely recognized myself anymore. I’d
gotten too wrapped up in Hudson and his lifestyle and all the newness and
excitement. I’d forgotten my roots.

My flight was supposed to land at LAX
around seven that evening. A driver was supposed to bring me to Hudson’s house.
I still hadn’t told him I wasn’t coming. It was approaching nine thirty, and I
knew he’d be calling any minute.

Just as I suspected, my phone rang at
nine thirty-four. It was Hudson.

“Brynn,” he said. “Where are you?”

I hesitated and took a deep breath.

“Rock River,” I said.

“Are you joking right now?” he replied.
There was both confusion and anger in his voice. He was about to lose his cool,
which he’d never done. “I – I don’t know what to say. I guess I’m
confused?”

“We’re from two different worlds, you and
me,” I said. “After what happened Friday, regardless of what’s true and what’s
false, I just don’t know if I can handle that. I’m not used to that stuff. I
don’t want pictures of my boyfriend and random women all over the
internet
every time he goes somewhere for work.”

I’d never used the boyfriend word with
him before. It just slipped out.

“You have to understand my world,” he
said. “If you care about me, you’d give us a chance. You’d at least try to
understand it. You’d try to look through all the bullshit and lies that the
media spins, and you’d see who I really am.”

“I want to, Hudson,” I said as my voice
trailed. “I really do…”

“No you don’t,” he huffed. “Either you
believe me or you don’t. And obviously you don’t. I don’t know what else I can
say right now to make you believe me when you don’t even want to.”

He was right.

“Did you bump into Luke or something? Is
that what this is all about?” he asked. He was sounding more and more like a
jealous boyfriend lately.

“I saw him, but no, that’s not what this
is about,” I said. “That has nothing to do with this.”

“Things were great two days ago,” he
said. “Hadley and I are just friends. We go way back. I know a lot of people,
Brynn. What else can I say to change how you feel?”

I figured he’d have something brilliant
to say.
Something to change my mind and make me want to see
him again.
But nothing he said made me feel any better.

Rumbling from a truck that could only
belong to one person startled me, and I glanced outside my window to see Luke’s
rusty, red pickup parked next to my car.

What’s he doing here? I wondered. I
wasn’t expecting him at all.

“Hudson,” I said. “I’m going to let you
go.”

“Wait,” he objected. “So that’s it? Just
like that? It’s over?”

“I’ll talk to you tomorrow, okay?” I
said. I wasn’t even sure if I meant that. I just had to get him off the phone.

I hung up with Hudson and waited for Luke
to come to the door. As soon as I heard his signature double knock, my heart
began to race.

“Luke, hi,” I said as I pulled the door
open. “Come in.”

He stared at my lithe frame before
settling down on my sofa. He looked distraught, and I could tell he’d been
doing some serious thinking.

“Luke,” I said. “I don’t know why you’re
here, but I just want to say that I’m so sorry. I’m sorry I screwed up our
friendship and what might have been. I know I can never make it up to you. And
I know things can never be the way they were before. If I could go back in time
and change things, I would.”

He stared up at me, his face contorted
into some sort of pained scowl I’d never seen on him before. A tingle ran down
my spine, but it was out of fear more than anything else.

“I can hardly look at you,” he said
through gritted teeth. “I saw the light on in your apartment. I saw you were
still in town, so I just came by to tell you to leave me alone, Brynn.”

“Wait, what?” I asked with an incredulous
laugh.

“Don’t come by the bar,” he said. “Don’t
call me. Don’t ask Piper about me.”

Piper was such a traitor. I was going to
have some words with her.

“Oh, okay,” I said, taken aback.

“Look at you,” he said. “You’re a
skeleton. You don’t look anything like the Brynn I know. Just looking at you
reminds me of him. It makes me sick.”

“I’m sorry,” I said. “I’m sorry you feel
that way, but I’m still me.”

“I’m going to say this only once,” he
said. “I don’t want you in my life. You got that? You leave me alone from now
on.”

“Luke, you’re just saying that because
you’re angry,” I said, trying to soothe him. “You don’t mean it.”

He stood up and let himself out. Within
seconds, his red truck was peeling out of my parking lot and rumbling down the
street and over the hill, back towards the farm.

I sunk back into my sofa as I realized I
would never be able to make it up to Luke. He was gone for good. He was forever
going to be out of my life.
 

I wanted to call Piper, but I was
learning that I couldn’t trust her. It was almost like it was Piper and Luke
against me, which was crazy because growing up they couldn’t stand each other.
I was the common thread that held them together. Nothing was making sense
anymore.

The instant Luke
left,
I didn’t allow myself to cry. Instead, I decided to go for a little drive. I
passed my mom’s house and saw that her living room lamp was on, so I stopped in
hoping to catch her alone.

She and Tom were snuggled up on the couch
watching the ten o’clock news. I could tell Tom was shocked to see me just
walking in without calling and so late, but I didn’t care. As far as I was
concerned, it was still my house. I lived there a lot longer than he did.

“Brynn,” my mom said as she saw me walk
in. “What’s wrong?”

I wanted to cry. I wanted to let loose.
But I couldn’t. Not with Tom there.

“Can I talk to you?” I asked. “Alone?”

My eyes shuffled to Tom. I didn’t want to
be rude, but I needed my mom.

Tom said nothing as he hoisted himself up
and shuffled back to the bedroom and shut the door. That was easy enough.

“Come here,” she said as she patted the
seat where Tom was perched before. It was still warm from his body heat.
“What’s going on? I thought you were going back to California today?”

It was a little strange going to my mom
for advice. We hadn’t been super close for years. She hadn’t been coherent for
years. I had no one else to talk to though. Piper was my best friend, but I was
sure that relationship was tarnished. I had several acquaintances, but no one I
could call if I needed something. They’d all start rumors anyway. The last
thing I needed was to have people selling stories to the tabloids about Hudson
Smith’s ex.

“I messed up, Mom,” I said as the tears began
to fall. “I don’t know what’s wrong with me, but I keep making bad decisions.”

“Oh, honey,” she said as she ran her
fingers through my long, chestnut hair. “That’s part of being young.”

“Luke wants nothing to do with me,” I
sobbed. “And I just told the man I left Rock River for that I want nothing to
do with him. And Piper is being really weird lately.”

“Sounds like your little world is
crumbling,” she said. She rubbed my back and it instantly took me back to when
I was a little girl and when she was still a good mom. My dad dying so young
destroyed her, but somehow Tom was beginning to bring some of that life back
into her eyes. “I’m so sorry, sweetie.”

“I got so caught up with Hudson Smith,” I
said. “He said all the right things. He did all the right things. He swept me
off my feet like no one ever has before. And I fell for it all.”

“What do you mean, you fell for it?” she
asked.

“He was spotted out with some model
Friday night in New York,” I said. “There are pictures all over the internet.”

“And you know for sure he was stepping
out on you?” she asked.

“Well, no,” I said as I bit my lip. “But
pictures don’t lie.”

“You can’t believe everything you read,”
she said. “And sometimes pictures can be deceiving too.”

“So I should’ve given him the benefit of
the doubt?” I asked.

She nodded. “I think so.”

“I didn’t even tell him I wasn’t coming
back,” I said. “I just didn’t show up for my flight.”

“Brynn Elizabeth Dawson,” my mom said as
she swatted my arm. “I raised you better than that.”

She didn’t raise me at all really. I
mostly raised myself. But I wasn’t going to tell her that. I was finally
getting the mom back that I’d always wanted. The one I always needed. The one
that was hidden underneath a
drunk
layer of
self-loathing and depression.

“What did he do when he realized you
didn’t show up?” she asked.

“He took it really hard,” I said.

“Does he still want to be with you?” she
asked.

“I think so,” I said. “Yeah.”

“Then go back to him!” my mom exclaimed.
“You’re twenty three years old. You’re young. You’re beautiful. I don’t want
you to stick around Rock River and wait tables the rest of your life. I don’t
want you to be some farmer’s wife. Luke’s a nice enough guy, but he was never
good enough for you, Brynn. You would’ve been settling for him.”

I was shocked to hear her say that about
Luke. I always thought she loved him, but then again, she seemed to love
everyone when she was drunk.

“You never liked Luke?” I asked.

She pursed her lips and scrunched her
face. “Not really.”

“Why?” I asked.

“That’s not important,” she said. “What’s
important is that you move on with your life. Go back to that movie star fella
and try to fix things. You shouldn’t have skipped out on him, but you can still
go back and make things right with him. He doesn’t sound like a jerk. He sounds
like a guy who is crazy about you and wants to be with you. Those are the men
worth fighting for.”

In my twenty-three years, my mother had
never given me advice with such clarity. Everything she said made perfect
sense, and I felt closer to her in that moment than I ever had before.

“Thanks, mom,” I said as I wrapped my
arms around her. “I feel much better.”

She squeezed me tight, and I loved that
she didn’t smell like booze. She smelled like lavender perfume and drugstore
hairspray. Just like she did when I was a kid.