Smashed (12 page)

“I know.”

My room was quiet. The evening sun was peering through the window now, catching dust in shafts of light.

“I like your piercing,” I said. I was so sick of the accident. Sick of talking about it, sick of thinking about it.

“What?”

“Your hoop, at the top of your ear. I like it.”

“Oh, thanks.” She smiled and reached up and touched it with her fingers. “Simon gave it to me.” Color rose on her cheeks.

It was my turn to study her. “Oh my God,” I said finally.

“What?” She looked sheepish.

“You did it, didn’t you?”

Cassie turned bright red. She blushed so easily; she could never hide a thing.

“How did you know?” She was smiling now, beaming.

“I could tell. I
knew
there was something different about you!
You said you were going to wait for the right guy. So Simon, he’s it?”

“Yeah, I guess he is.”

“Oh. My. God. That’s big.” I hugged her and, for the first time in more than a week, I forgot about myself and my own stupid problems. “I’m really, really happy for you.”

“Thanks,” she said, still smiling. Her shoulders relaxed and she looked around my room. “This place is trashed,” she said, flicking a pair of shorts with her toe, tossing them onto a chair.

“Hey, no changing the subject. I want to hear about Simon.”

She laughed. “You will. But I’m hungry. Can we get a pizza or something? You need to get your strength back, girl. We’re captains. We’re taking this team to the state championship.”

We
were
captains—elected at the end of last season. I had to get my shit together and get out of this house. I hadn’t been running, eating—nothing. Practice began in two days.

“And Kay . . .”

“What?”

“Simon . . . You’re the only one I’m telling. You know that, right?”

“Are you kidding? Of course, I’d never—”

Cassie shook her head. “Sorry,” she said. “I didn’t even need to ask.”

Swarms of students rushed up the granite steps leading to the main school building. Hoping for invisibility, I pushed through them, head down. It was impossible: If the school had published its own version of
Star
magazine, Alec and I would’ve been the celebrities on its front cover. Right now, no news in Deerfield was more interesting than the after-party accident that could have killed the school’s two top jocks.

I heard my name called several times—familiar voices, people I considered friends. Head down, I pretended not to hear.

“Hey, Katie, what’s the rush?” It was Stanfield, coming up behind me just as I’d reached the main hall. “We’ve got ten minutes before class.”

He took my shoulders, one in each big hand, spun me around, and studied my face. “Did that bastard hurt you?”

My chest tightened. I looked up and made my best attempt at a conspiratorial smile, one that said,
Yeah, that bastard Alec
could have killed me when he drove the car off the road.
My lips turned up awkwardly.

“I’m okay, Stan.” I was a fraud. Surely, Stan could see through me. Good and honest Stan.

He didn’t. Stan didn’t notice a thing.

“Coach has been having a field day with Alec, if it makes you feel any better,” Stan said. “He’s been making him come early and stay late every day for extra calisthenics, beating on him in practice, basically making the team hero the team scapegoat.” Stan grinned.

“Because of . . . ?”
Shit
.

“There you are, girl.” Cassie’s voice rose above the crowd. “Hey, Stan! Long time . . .”

Stan swept her into a big bear hug. I watched as they chattered on about the summer, but their words meant nothing. My lie hung between us, splitting me apart from them like a great glass wall.

“Come on, we’re going to be late.” Cassie tugged my arm. “See you, Stan!”

I followed Cassie, her red hair bobbing just below the surface of the crowd, her grip tight on my wrist. My best friend. So why hadn’t I told
her
the whole truth?

Cassie and I turned a corner and headed down a dead-end passage toward our first class. The crowd thinned out and Cassie let go of my arm. Ahead, Alec leaned against a wall, deep in conversation with Scott.

I hadn’t seen Alec or talked to him since the day after the
accident at his house, and seeing him now made it come flooding back, everything I’d spent the last three weeks trying to forget. Panic crawled like fingers through my belly, gripping my chest.

“Jesus,” Cassie said. She had stopped suddenly, her eyes riveted to Alec’s face—to the bright purple scar that curved in a nearly perfect arch down the left side of his face. It was a large new moon. A smiley face slapped on crooked. A purple-red tattoo branded on his movie-star face. It was the first time she’d seen what had happened to him.

“He could have killed you both. . . .” She said it so softly, I almost didn’t hear.

My heart skipped wildly. She was right, but he wasn’t the one who had almost killed us both—it was
me
.

Scott glanced at me, then back at Alec, and left, slipping into the classroom.

“Can I talk to you?” Alec said to me. “
Alone
.”

Cassie’s eyes widened, appalled that he’d even have the nerve to ask. My would-be murderer—that’s what he was to her.

“It’s okay,” I whispered.

For a moment, she looked at me like I’d completely lost my mind. I nodded to her. “It’s okay.”

She looked at Alec, then back at me, an unasked question knit tightly in her brow. Then she walked away.

“What’s up, Alec?” I wiped a damp strand of hair off my forehead. I badly wanted to sound normal, but my voice was quavering.

“Long time no see,” he said. His blue eyes bored through me.

“I . . . yeah.” What could I say? I’d spent the last three weeks convincing myself that Alec wanted nothing to do with me after what I’d done to him, after what he’d done
for me
. And it had worked: I’d believed it. I’d believed we’d just slide through our senior year, basically ignoring each other. A stupid, naive thought.

“I figured you didn’t . . . ,” I tried again.

“Didn’t what?” There was a sharpness to his voice.

“. . . didn’t want to see me.” I couldn’t meet his eyes.

“Why would you think that?” he asked, but his voice was cold.

He’s punishing me
, I thought.
That’s what this is about.

And another thought:
I deserve it.

For a moment, neither of us spoke.

“Listen, Stanfield’s party is on Saturday,” Alec said finally. “Scott and Alyssa are coming with us.” With
us
?

“What?” He was confusing me now, completely shifting gears.

“We’ll pick you up at eight,” he said brusquely.

“Alec, I—”

The final bell rang; the hall was empty now except for us.

“I’m going with Cassie.”

“Tell her there’s been a change of plans,” he said, his voice quiet, firm. “You’re going with me.”

He slipped into the classroom and was gone.

The field was deserted, practice over, the other girls gone. My sweaty T-shirt fluttered on my back, drying in the cool wind. Stick down, I took aim from just inside the shooting circle. A strong, high flick sailed straight into the upper left corner of the cage. It was my best shot, the one I was known for.

Perfect,
I thought.
Unlike my life.
I ran to retrieve the ball.

How was I supposed to tell Cassie I was going to Stan’s party with Alec? The look on her face when I’d spoken to him,
when I’d let him speak to me
, had said it all. She thought he was a criminal—and she assumed I’d want nothing to do with him.

“Katie, can you give me a hand with these cones?” Coach Riley came up behind me. “Then come to my office. I need to talk to you.”

*     *     *

Coach Riley stepped into her dark, windowless office and shut the door.

“Sit down.”

A wave of nausea swept through me. Something was seriously wrong; I could see it on her face. Behind her desk, she folded and unfolded her hands before she spoke. I sat in the single straight-backed chair, my hands tucked under my thighs, and waited.

“You’re officially a captain of this team, Katie,” she said finally. “Last year, when the girls elected you, I wasn’t surprised. You’ve been a leader of this team for a long time. Actually, I predicted it when you were a freshman.” A hint of pride flickered across her face, then disappeared.

I cleared my throat. “Thank you.”

“But I need to talk to you about what happened this summer. I need to talk to you about the accident you got in with Alec Osborne.”

I froze. My hands went numb under my thighs. What else did she know? That I’d been driving?

“Katie, I’ll be frank. I’d heard things about you in the past. Some teachers said you were a partier—a drinker. I never knew what was true and what wasn’t. I just heard things. Teachers hear more than you think.”

I closed my eyes and pushed her words away. My ears hummed; I didn’t want to know what she knew.

“Honestly,” she was saying, “it was hard for me to believe. You were always so great to have on the team. You’ve got a heck of a lot of talent, a terrific attitude. You work hard and you play fair. Truthfully, I’ve enjoyed working with you as much as—maybe more than—any player I’ve had in twenty years. And I think I’ve let you down, Katie.”

My head snapped up, eyes open. What did she just say? She’d let
me
down?

“I should have paid attention to what I’d heard and found out what was really going on. I should have spoken to you a long time ago.”

“Nothing was going on,” I said lamely, but relief flowed through me. She didn’t know. She had no idea I’d been driving Alec’s car. But I barely had time for this to sink in; Coach Riley hadn’t stopped talking.

“I want you to get that scholarship. I think you know that. But this drinking, this accident . . .”

She paused and shook her head, then spoke with more determination. “The other girls look up to you, Katie.” She cleared her throat. “And I’m just not sure that that’s a good thing anymore.”

In the split second that she paused, my stomach heaved and then dropped like a bomb inside me. “What do you mean?”

“I’m not sure if you should be in a leadership role on the team this year. I don’t know if you’re the right co-captain for the team.”

Shame fluttered in my chest, then disappeared. A hot tide of anger swept through me. Suddenly I felt defiant. For three years, I’d had a clean record, except for a few bullshit rumors, and she’d supported me all the way. Now one thing happened—I did
one
thing wrong—and she was ready to take captain away from me? She didn’t even know I was driving the
car
.

It was too much. A vision flashed through my mind of Coach Riley announcing to the whole team that there’d be a second
election for captain because I had been found unworthy, and everyone staring at me to see my reaction. I could see Marcy Mattison’s smirk now—that was one vote I’d never gotten. The whole school would know what had happened within days.

“But why?” I burst out. “What does this summer have to do with
now
, with this fall?”

It was the wrong thing to say. She bristled.

“It has quite a bit to do with it, in my view. You were drinking underage, Katie, in a car with a driver who was drunk. You’re lucky you’re not going to court. You could have ruined your chances for a scholarship completely.”

The silence stretched out forever before she spoke again.

“I can’t imagine what you were thinking. You both could’ve been killed.” There was a slight tremor in her voice. “You almost were.”

I pursed my lips and focused my eyes on the new cleats on my feet; already scratches and streaks of dirt covered the black and white leather after just two days of practice. My cheeks were on fire.

“The car was totaled, is that right?”

I nodded.

“And you weren’t discovered out there in the woods until morning?”

“I—I woke up . . . I went for help.”

“Your mother must have been frantic by then.”

She wasn’t home, I thought. But I didn’t say it.

“Alec couldn’t walk?”

“He wasn’t awake,” I murmured so low I could barely hear my own words.

“So Alec was unconscious. And I’ve seen his face. What about you?”

“I’m fine.” The six stitches in my shoulder seemed like nothing next to Alec. They didn’t even count. But she was looking at me, waiting.

“Three cracked ribs and a bruised lung,” I said. These still hurt at practice after wind sprints. Pain in my chest from breathing hard.

“And stitches in your shoulder.”

How did she even know that?

“Whatever,” I muttered.

I couldn’t believe she was forcing me to answer questions. It was obvious she knew the answers already.

“This whole thing . . .” She shook her head. “It’s not like you, Katie.”

Yes it is.
I thought.
I did it, didn’t I?
But suddenly I felt hollow and sad.

“I don’t know,” I whispered lamely.

“Well, I hope it scared you.” Her voice was low. “It sure as heck scared me.”

I nodded, eyes back on my cleats. I could feel tears welling up.
Don’t let me cry in front of Coach Riley,
I prayed.

“Now listen, you have an excellent chance of getting at least a partial scholarship next year—maybe a full ride. I know that’s what you want and I know it’s what you
need
—and I’d hate to
see you blow that chance. But the decision is entirely yours. You’ve got to know where I stand. The school has its rules and I have mine. If you drink, you don’t play. It’s as simple as that. And if you don’t play, the whole team is affected. I know that means something to you.”

It did. She paused, letting her words sink in.

“So what do you think? Do you think you can be a good leader this year? Be a good example for the underclassmen? Can you sign the drug and alcohol abstinence contract and stick to it?”