Snared (Jaded Regret #1) (14 page)

I turned my head so I could watch his face as he played my hands with his drumsticks. With my face so close to his, I was able to study the tattoos on his neck, the short dark hair on his beard, his nose ring, and his incredible eyes. They were so dark they looked black, but they were the one part of him that showed expression.

His hands stilled as he realized how close I was to his face. Beau slightly turned my way. My hands were still under his, clutching his drumsticks like they were the last lifeline I had. They just might’ve been. My eyes scanned his flawless face. He had the most beautiful skin, and I wanted to touch him again. My eyes flitted to his lips. God, what it would be like to press my lips to his, I could only imagine.

“Did you . . . keep your drumsticks?” I felt his warm breath against my lips, and I shuddered. Tingles spread from my spine down to my toes and back again, making goose bumps break out on my skin. I wanted nothing more than to grab him and show him exactly why he should want to get to know me better.

I licked my dry lips and nodded my head. “O-of course. I told you I’d save them forever.”

He nodded. His thumbs caressed my hands and I froze, wondering if he knew what he was doing and afraid if I moved he would realize it and stop.

“You’re so handsome.” My legs shook as adrenaline coursed through my body. “There’s nothing better than seeing you doing what you love.”

Beau’s eyes searched mine as if trying to read into what I said. Of course, he didn’t believe me. Why would he? I knew from experience kids who had been abandoned never quite got over the belief that nothing they did was good enough or would bring back the people they loved. He was no different.

But I had to keep my mouth shut because that’s what had gotten me into trouble before with him.

I wanted nothing more than to kiss Beau, to show him with my mouth what I couldn’t say in words. But I was terrified of what his reaction would be, and after the stress I’d been under over Robbie, I didn’t think my fragile psyche could handle one more thing.

One of Beau’s hands moved, and I knew the moment was over. He’d want me to get away from him now. But instead, I felt his hand touch the side of my face like I’d done to him on the rooftop deck.

“You . . .” Beau cleared his throat. I could physically see how hard this was for him to do. “April.” It came out a strained whisper, like it physically pained him to say my name. I didn’t want him to hurt because of me.

“It’s okay,” I said, putting my hand over his on my face. “You don’t have to talk. Just know I’m here, all right?”

He shook his head, moving his hand and entwining our fingers together. Then he shocked the hell out of me and kissed my palm, his eyes never leaving mine. “You . . . smell incredible,” he whispered against my skin. “You’re . . . beautiful. So beautiful.” If I hadn’t been listening to every syllable like they were the last sounds I’d ever hear, I might’ve missed what he said.

But I’d heard every damn one of them.

“Time to go!” Natalie’s voice came from behind us, and I wanted to cry. Of course, we’d be interrupted now.

Beau stood, his fingers still linked with mine. He leaned over and brushed his lips against my cheek, stopping at my ear. “Stay after the show.” He dropped my hand and stepped around me, but I was frozen in place. Desire pulsed through my body like nothing I’d ever experienced before, and the biggest smile broke across my face.

Beau Anderson had kissed my hand. And my cheek. He’d asked me to stay after the show.

I thought my head just might explode right off my body.

I was in a hotel room with Beau Anderson. I was
alone
in a hotel room with Beau Anderson. He’d either asked Natalie not to come back to the room, or she’d made herself scarce.

I’d barely been able to contain myself the entire show. Beau had stared straight at me the whole time he played, or at least, I pretended he did. I’d never been so turned on in my entire life from a kiss to the hand and the cheek. Since it was only the second show they’d played from their new tour, the first being in their hometown, the crowd was on fire for the new music they’d never played live before.

Camryn had tried to get me to talk about what had happened, but I couldn’t even form words. It wasn’t like a whole lot had happened anyway, at least not by her standards. To me, however, I felt like I’d just won the damn lottery.

I was shaking my leg nervously, watching Beau as he poured us both a soda from his mini fridge. He hadn’t said a word to me after the show, just simply held out his hand and walked with me back to his room. I’d been afraid to breathe for fear he’d change his mind.

He slid the glass across the table to me, and I took it, gulping it a little too eagerly. I needed to relax. It wasn’t like he’d bite me or anything.

“So this was show number two, right?”

He nodded. “Yep. Out of fifteen.”

“You seem to be getting a great response to your new stuff,” I said. It was not at all what I wanted to talk about, but my bravery had seemed to have taken a hiatus.

Beau said nothing, just watched me over the rim of his glass as he sipped. He had showered and changed, now wearing a black short-sleeve shirt that was taut over his muscular chest and a pair of faded jeans. His hair was still wet, and I wanted nothing more than to run my fingers through it. My outfit had seemingly gone unnoticed; Beau looked at me no differently than when I was in my work clothes.

“Tell me how you became a social worker,” Beau said.

“My mom was a foster kid,” I started, watching as his eyebrows lifted in response. “She aged out of the system and was just running wild. A lot of bad stuff happened, and she ended up in the hospital. My dad was a medical student and was doing his ER rotation when my mom was brought in. They weren’t sure she was going make it.” I stopped, thinking about poor Robbie and his mom.

I wondered if they had told him yet.

“My dad felt drawn to her, so he kept going to check on her. She, of course, pulled through, and they’ve been inseparable ever since. She’ll tell you my dad saved her life. She’s worked tirelessly through their whole marriage to raise money and awareness for adoption and foster kids. My dad always wanted me to be a doctor like him. After Lucia . . .” My voice cracked. It had been so long, but it was still painful to talk about.

“She was your sister, right?” Beau shocked the hell out of me by knowing something I hadn’t told him. He’d done homework on me?

I nodded. “I-I don’t remember much about her. I was just a baby when she got sick, and a toddler when she passed away. Sometimes I have dreams of her I think are real, but I just don’t know. It’s too painful for my parents to talk about. My dad was always worried losing Lucia would send my mom into a tailspin, but it didn’t. She wasn’t the same person anymore, the broken one he’d found in the hospital. She was the wife of Dr. Knight. Anyway, I always said I was going to be a doctor like him until I got into college. I felt a pull, a calling toward social work. It’s a tough job and is often very thankless. But I don’t regret it for a second.”

“Did he become a neurologist because of her?”

I nodded. “They had Lucia before they were married, only a year after they met, so my dad was still doing his residency. He decided to focus on neurology once she got sick. Now he’s one of the most sought after pediatric neurologists in the country.”

“Do you take kids from their homes?” Beau asked the question so quietly I almost missed it.

“Yes, sometimes I do have to do that,” I said. “But other times, I get to take them back home, too.”

“What has been the hardest case of your career so far?”

There was no way I could tell him everything I’d seen over the years. Most of it would be too painful for him to think about with his history. I found myself thinking of Robbie again. “There’s been so many, Beau. But this week, I’ve been so stressed out because I got a new little boy in and I’m so worried about him.”

“Why?”

I thought of Robbie’s big brown eyes and shaggy hair, his face angry and determined. “He’s nine years old and has been in and out of foster care his whole life. His mom had a drug problem, and he was born addicted. Since then, he’s been taken from her at least five times and then given back.”

Beau glanced down at the table, his fingers tapping a beat on the grain of the wood. He mumbled under his breath, but I couldn’t hear what he said.

“This time,” I started, but my throat closed up on me. I tried to swallow but I couldn’t past the huge lump that had formed. Tears stung behind my eyes. I couldn’t cry in front of him. I wouldn’t. Beau lifted his face and watched me, waiting for me to continue. “S-she overdosed. Her child had to call 9–1-1. That’s when social services got involved and found out his history. She died in the hospital. I don’t know if he knows yet that he has no one left in the world.”

“No other family?” For a second, Beau’s eyes seemed glassy, but when his eyes met mine again, it was gone.

I shook my head. “No father. We don’t have any idea where the mother’s family is. He’s a ward of the state now and is in the group home you guys will be visiting tomorrow. When I left him there, he hadn’t uttered a word. I’ve seen a lot of sadness, Beau, but this one is just hitting me too hard.”

Beau watched me as I struggled to keep my composure. I looked like an emotional basket case in front of him, but it was how I felt. This was not just a job to me.

“Parents don’t always love their kids,” Beau finally said. “Not all people should be parents.”

I nodded. “That is true.” I didn’t pry for more information, knowing he would tell me whatever he wanted.

“So you have no other siblings?”

“No. My mom and I would always go volunteer with foster kids or at the hospital. I was always busy as a child, so I never missed having a sibling. Plus, my mom was young when I was born, so it was almost like having a friend.”

Beau stared at me, not blinking. “A friend?”

“We were very close—still are.”

He turned away, examining a speck of nothing on the wall. “My mom hated me.”

I wasn’t sure what to say to that. Should I say it wasn’t true? But what if it was? So I said nothing, just waited to see if he would elaborate. He started tapping again, closing his eyes. I put one hand over his, and his eyes flew open at my touch.

“Anyone who hates you is a fool, especially the person who held you in her body and promised to take care of you.”

Beau shook his head, a look so painful crossing his face it hurt me deep in my core. “I should’ve never been born,” he whispered.

I was sure the fissure that had cracked my heart from the situation with Robbie just splintered and fell into shards, piercing me from the inside out.

Beau

WHY THE HELL
did you say that to her, you moron
? April was silent, and I didn’t blame her. What the hell would someone say to that? She hardly knew me, and here I was telling her what I thought of myself. I also told her my mom hated me? What had gotten into me? Those were things that needed to stay inside my head. No one needed to know what went on in that crazy place.

She said she and her mom were like friends; that was what had done it to me. That was so far beyond anything I could understand, and I couldn’t stop the words from coming out of my mouth. I had the feeling my head was floating above my body somewhere because I had been doing things that were unlike me from the second I saw her tonight.

Kissing her hand? Her cheek? Holding her hand and bringing her back to my room? I thought Natalie’s eyes were going to bug out of her head when I told her to let April and I have some time alone. I hadn’t missed her grin when she’d turned away, though. I figured I might not see Natalie again tonight. As long as she wasn’t in Tanner’s room, we were good.

April’s job affected me. Hearing her talk about the little boy who was brought in and seeing her emotional reaction to a child she didn’t even know made me want to punch things. Why were parents so fucked up? What in the world made this mother choose that life once she looked at the face of her child? Then again, my mother abandoned me because she hated who I was becoming. I guess her love only ran surface deep, and once there were problems, she was out of there. I wondered where she was and if she knew I was successful now. If she cared at all.