Snuff (4 page)

While the apple of their eyes tentatively straddled the rocking horse, which had frighteningly big teeth, Vimes told his wife about the objectionable spinning housemaids. She simply shrugged, and said, “It's what they do, dear. It's what they're used to.”

“How can you say that? It's so demeaning!”

Lady Sybil had developed a totally calm and understanding tone of voice when dealing with her husband. “That's because, technically speaking, they
are
demeaned. They spend a lot of time serving people who are a lot more important than they are. And you are right at the top of the list, dear.”

“But I don't think I'm more important than them!” Vimes snapped.

“I think I know what you're saying, and it does you credit, it really does,” said Sybil, “but what you actually said was nonsense. You are a Duke, a Commander of the City Watch and,” she paused.

“A Blackboard Monitor,” said Vimes automatically.

“Yes, Sam, the highest honor that the King of the Dwarfs can bestow.” Sybil's eyes glittered. “Blackboard Monitor Vimes; one who can erase the writings, somebody who can rub out what is there. That's you, Sam and if you were killed the chanceries of the world would be in uproar and, Sam, regrettably they would not be perturbed at the death of a housemaid. She held up a hand because he'd opened his mouth and added, “I know
you
would be, Sam, but wonderful girls though I'm sure they are, I fear that if they were to die a family and, perhaps, a young man would be inconsolable, and the rest of the world would never know. And you, Sam, know that this is true. However, if you were ever murdered, dread the thought and indeed I do every time you go out on duty, not only Ankh-Morpork but the world would hear about it instantly. Wars might start and I suspect that Vetinari's position might become a little dangerous. You are more important than girls in service. You are more important than anybody else in the Watch. You are mistaking value for worth, I think.” She gave his worried face a brief kiss. “Whatever you think you once were, Sam Vimes, you've risen, and you deserved to rise. You know the cream rises to the top!”

“So does the scum,” said Vimes automatically, although he immediately regretted it.

“How dare you say that, Sam Vimes! You may have been a diamond in the rough, but you've polished yourself up! And however you cut it, husband of mine, although you are no longer a man of the people, it certainly seems to me that you are a man
for
the people, and I think the people are far better off for that, d'you hear?”

Young Sam looked up adoringly at his father, while the rocking horse rocked into a gallop. Between son and spouse, Vimes never had a chance. He looked so crestfallen that Lady Sybil, as wives do, tried a little consolation.

“After all, Sam, you expect your men to get on with their duties, don't you? Likewise the housekeeper expects the girls to get on with theirs.”

“That's quite different, really it is. Coppers watch people, and I've never told them that they can't pass the time of day with somebody. After all, that somebody might provide useful information.” Vimes knew that this was technically true, but anybody who was seen giving anything more useful than the time of day to a policeman in most streets of the city would soon find a straw would be necessary to help him eat his meals. But the analogy was right, anyway, he thought, or would have thought, had he been a man to whom the word analogy came easily. Just because you were a member of somebody's staff didn't mean you had to act like some kind of clockwork toy…

“Shall I tell you the reason for the spinning housemaids, Sam?” said Sybil, as Young Sam cuddled the huge teddy bear, who frightened him by growling. “It was instituted in my grandfather's time at the behest of my grandmother. In those days we entertained all the time with scores of guests on some weekends. Of course, a number of these guests would be young men from very good families in the city, quite well educated and full of, shall I say, vim and vigor.”

Sybil glanced down at Young Sam and was relieved to see he was now lining up some small soldiers. “The maids, on the other hand, in the very nature of things are not well educated and I'm ashamed to say might have been slightly too compliant in the face of people whom they had come to think of as their betters.” She was starting to blush, and she pointed down at Young Sam, who she was glad to see was still paying no attention. “I'm sure you get the picture, Sam? Absolutely sure, and my grandmother, whom you would almost certainly have hated, had decent instincts, and therefore decreed that all the housemaids should not only refrain from talking to the male guests, but should not make eye contact with them either, on pain of dismissal. You might say she was being cruel to be kind, but not all that cruel, come to think of it. In the fullness of time, the housemaids would leave the Hall with good references and not be embarrassed about wearing a white dress on their wedding day.”

“But I'm happily married,” Vimes protested. “And I can't imagine Willikins risking the wrath of Purity, either.”

“Yes, dear, and I'll have a word with Mrs. Silver. But this is the country, Sam. We do things a little more slowly here. Now, why don't you take Young Sam out to see the river? Take Willikins with you—he knows his way around.”

Y
oung Sam did not need very much in the way of entertainment. In fact he made his own entertainment, manufacturing it in large quantities out of observations of the landscape, the stories that had lulled him to sleep at bedtime last night, some butterfly thought that had just sped across his mind and, increasingly, he'd talk about Mr. Whistle, who lived in a house in a tree but was sometimes a dragon. He also had a big boot and didn't like Wednesdays because they smell funny and he had a rainbrella.

Young Sam was thus totally unfazed by the countryside, and ran ahead of Vimes and Willikins, pointing out trees, sheep, flowers, birds, dragonflies, funny-shaped clouds and a human skull. He seemed quite impressed by the find and rushed to show it to his daddy, who stared at it as if he had seen, well, a human skull. It had clearly been a human skull for quite a long time, however, and appeared to have been looked after, to the point of being polished.

As Vimes turned it over in his hands, searching forensically for any sign of foul play, there was a flip-flop sound approaching through the shrubbery, accompanied by a vocal number on the subject of what a person unknown would do to people who stole skulls off him. When the bushes parted said person unknown turned out to be a man of uncertain age and teeth, a grubby brown robe and a beard longer than any Vimes had seen before, and Vimes was a man who had often been inside Unseen University, where wizards considered that wisdom was embodied in the growing of a beard that would keep the knees warm. This one tailed cometlike behind its owner. It caught up with him when his hugely sandaled feet slithered to a stop, but its momentum meant that it began to pile up on his head. Possibly it carried wisdom with it, because its owner was bright enough to stop dead when he saw the look in Vimes's eye. There was silence, apart from the chuckling of Young Sam as the endless beard, with a life of its own, settled on the man like the snows of winter.

Willikins cleared his throat, and said, “I think this is the hermit, commander.”

“What's a hermit doing here? I thought they lived up poles in deserts!” Vimes glared at the raggedy man, who clearly felt that an explanation was called for and was going to deliver it whether it was called for or not.

“Yes, sir, I know, sir, that is a popular delusion, and personally I've never given it much credence, on account of the difficulty of dealing with what I might call the bathroom necessities and similar. I mean, that sort of thing might be all right in foreign parts, where there's sunshine and lots of sand, but it wouldn't do for me, sir, no indeed.”

The apparition held out a grubby hand that was mostly fingernails and went on, proudly, “Stump, your grace, although I'm not often stumped, haha, my little joke.”

“Yes, it is,” said Vimes, keeping his eyes blank.

“Indeed it is, sir,” said Stump. “The only one I've got. I've been following the noble profession of herming here for nigh on fifty-seven years, practicing piety, sobriety, celibacy and the pursuit of the true wisdom in the tradition of my father and grandfather and great-grandfather before me. That's my great-grandfather you are holding, there, sir,” he added cheerfully. “Lovely sheen, hasn't he?” Vimes managed not to drop the skull he was holding. Stump went on, “I expect your little boy wandered into my grotto, sir, no offense meant, sir, but the village lads round here are a bit frolicsome sometimes and I had to get granddad out of the tree only two weeks ago.”

It was Willikins who found the mental space to say, “You keep your great-grandfather's skull in a cave?”

“Oh yes, gentlemen, and my father's. Family tradition, see? And my grandfather's. Unbroken tradition of herming for nearly three hundred years, dispensing pious thinking and the knowledge that all paths lead but to the grave, and other somber considerations, to all those who seek us out—who are precious few these days, I might add. I hope my son will be able to step into my sandals when he's old enough. His mother says that he's turning out a very solemn young man, so I live in hopes that one day he might be giving me a right good polishin' up. There's plenty of room on the skull shelf back in the grotto, I'm pleased to say.”

“Your son?” said Vimes. “You mentioned celibacy?”

“Very attentive of you, your grace. We get a week's holiday every year. A man cannot live by snails and herbs of the riverbank alone…”

Vimes delicately indicated that they had ground to cover, and left the hermit carefully carrying the family relic back to his grotto, wherever that was. When they seemed to be safely out of earshot he said, waving his hands in the air, “Why? I mean…why?”

“Oh, quite a few of the really old ancestral homes had a hermit on the strength, sir. It was considered romantic to have a grotto with a hermit in it.”

“He was a bit whiffy on the nose,” said Vimes.

“Not allowed to bathe, I believe, sir, and you should know, sir, that he gets an allowance consisting of two pounds of potatoes, three pints of small beer or cider, three loaves of bread and one pound of pork dripping per week. And presumably all the snails and herbs of the riverbank he can force down. I looked at the accounts, sir. Not a bad diet for an ornamental garden feature.”

“Not too bad if you throw in some fruit and the occasional laxative, I suppose,” said Vimes. “So Sybil's ancestors used to come along and talk to the hermit whenever they were faced with a philosophical conundrum, yes?”

Willikins looked puzzled. “Good heavens, no, sir, I can't imagine that any of them would ever dream of doing that. They never had any truck with philosophical conundra.
*
They were aristocrats, you see? Aristocrats don't notice philosophical conundra. They just ignore them. Philosophy includes contemplating the possibility that you might be wrong, sir, and a real aristocrat knows that he is
always
right. It's not vanity, you understand, it's built-in absolute certainty. They may sometimes be as mad as a hatful of spoons, but they are always
definitely
and
certainly
mad.”

Vimes stared at him in admiration. “How the hell do you know all this, Willikins?”

“Watched them, sir. In the good old days when her ladyship's granddad was alive he made certain that the whole staff of Scoone Avenue came down here with the family in the summer. As you know, I'm not much of a scholar and, truth to tell, neither are you, but when you grow up on the street you learn fast because if you don't learn fast you're dead.”

They were now walking across an ornamental bridge, over what was probably the trout stream and, Vimes assumed, a tributary of Old Treachery, a name whose origin he had yet to comprehend. Two men and one little boy, walking over a bridge that might be carrying crowds, and carts and horses. The world seemed unbalanced.

“You see, sir,” said Willikins, “being definite is what gave them all this money and land. Sometimes lost it for them as well, of course. One of Lady Sybil's great-uncles once lost a villa and two thousand acres of prime farmland by being definite in believing that a cloakroom ticket could beat three aces. He was killed in the duel that followed, but at least he was
definitely
dead.”

“It's snobbishness and I don't like it,” Vimes said.

Willikins rubbed the side of his nose. “Well, commander, it ain't snobbishness. You don't get much of that from the real McCoy, in my experience. The certain ones, I mean…they don't worry about what the neighbors think or walking around in old clothes. They're confident, see? When Lady Sybil was younger the family would come down here for the sheep-shearing, and her father would muck in with everybody else, with his sleeves rolled up and everything, and he'd see to it that there was a round of beer for all the lads afterward, and he'd drink with them, flagon for flagon. Of course, he was a brandy man mostly, so a bit of beer wouldn't have him on the floor. He never worried about who he was. He was a decent old boy, her father—and her granddad, too. Certain, you see, never worried.”

They walked along an avenue of chestnut trees for a while and then Vimes said, morosely, “Are you saying that I don't know who I am?”

Willikins looked up into the trees and replied, thoughtfully, “It looks as though there'll be a lot of conkers this year, commander, and if you don't mind me suggesting it, you might think of bringing this young lad down here when they start falling. I was the dead-rat conkers champion for years when I was a kid, until I found out that the real things grew on trees and didn't squish so easily. As for your question,” he went on, “I think Sam Vimes is at his best when he's confident that he's Sam Vimes. Good grief, and they are fruiting early this year!”

The avenue of chestnut trees ended at this point and before them lay an apple orchard. “Not the best of fruit, as apples go,” said Willikins as Vimes and Young Sam crossed over to it, raising the dust on the chalky road. The comment seemed inconsequential to Vimes, but Willikins appeared to consider the orchard very important.

“The little boy will want to see this,” Willikins said enthusiastically. “Saw it myself when I was the boot boy. Totally changed the way I thought about the world. The third earl, ‘Mad' Jack Ramkin, had a brother called Woolsthorpe, probably for his sins. He was something of a scholar and would have been sent to the university to become a wizard were it not for the fact that his brother let it be known that any male sibling of his who took up a profession that involved wearing a dress would be disinherited with a cleaver.

“Nevertheless, young Woolsthorpe persevered in his studies of natural philosophy in the way a gentleman should, by digging into any suspicious-looking burial mounds he could find in the neighborhood, filling up his lizard press with as many rare species as he could collect, and drying samples of any flowers he could find before they became extinct. The story runs that, on one warm summer day, he dozed off under an apple tree and was awakened when an apple fell on his head. A lesser man, as his biographer put it, would have seen nothing untoward about this, but Woolsthorpe surmised that, since apples and practically everything else always fell down, then the world would eventually become dangerously unbalanced…unless there was another agency involved that natural philosophy had yet to discover. He lost no time in dragging one of the footmen to the orchard and ordering him, on pain of dismissal, to lie under the tree until an apple hit him on the head! The possibility of this happening was increased by another footman who had been told by Woolsthorpe to shake the tree vigorously until the required apple fell. Woolsthorpe was ready to observe this from a distance.

“Who can imagine his joy when the inevitable apple fell and a second apple was seen rising from the tree and disappearing at speed into the vaults of heaven, proving the hypothesis that what goes up must come down, provided that what goes down must come up, thus safeguarding the equilibrium of the Universe. Regrettably, this only works with apples and, amazingly, only the apples on this one tree,
Malus equilibria
! I hear someone has worked out that the apples at the top of the tree fill with gas and fly up when the tree is disturbed so that it can set its seeds some way off. Wonderful thing, nature, shame the fruit tastes like dog's business,” Willikins added as Young Sam spat some out. “To tell you the truth, commander, I wouldn't give you tuppence for a lot of the upper classes I've met, especially in the city, but some of them in these old country houses changed the world for the better. Like Turnip Ramkin, who revolutionized agriculture…”

“I think I've heard of him,” said Vimes. “Wasn't he something to do with planting root crops? Wasn't that how he got his nickname?”

“Very nearly right, sir,” said Willikins. “In fact, he invented the seed drill, which meant more reliable crops and a great saving in seed corn. He only looked like a turnip. People can be so cruel sometimes, sir. There was also his brother, ‘Rubber Ramkin,' who devised not only rubber boots but also rubberized fabric, even before the dwarfs did. Very interested indeed in rubber, so I heard, but it takes all sorts to make a world and it would be a funny old place if we were all the same, and especially if we were all like him. Dry feet and dry shoulders, sir, what every farmworker prays for! I did a spell cutting cabbages one winter, sir, weather as cold as charity and rain coming down so fast it had to queue up to hit the ground. I blessed his name then, so I did, even if it was true what they said about the young ladies, who I heard actually enjoyed the experience…”

“This is all very well,” said Vimes, “but it doesn't make up for all the stupid, arrogant—”

This time it was Willikins who interrupted his master. “And then there was the flying machine, of course. Her ladyship's late brother put a lot of work into the project, but it never got off the ground. Flying without a broomstick or a magic spell was his goal, but regrettably he fell victim to the outbreak of crisms, poor lad. There's a model of it in the nursery, as a matter of fact. It runs on rubber bands.”

“I expect there was plenty of material around the place, unless Rubber Ramkin tidied up after himself,” said Vimes.

The tour continued, across meadows of what Vimes decided to call cows and around fields of standing corn. They navigated their way around a ha-ha, kept their distance from the ho-ho and completely ignored the he-he, then climbed a gentle path up a hill on which was planted a grove of beech trees and from which you could see practically everywhere, and certainly to the end of the universe, but that probably involved looking straight up with no beech trees in the way. It was even possible to make out the tall cloud of smoke and fumes that rose from the city of Ankh-Morpork.