Soap Opera Slaughters
Read Soap Opera Slaughters Online
Authors: Marvin Kaye
Marvin Kaye
If I hadn’t paused to watch the goldfish ripping up the
anarchis,
I would’ve missed the precommercial teaser on the Channel 14 newscast.
“—unidentified naked man plunges to a bloody death from the rooftop of a Manhattan TV studio. We’ll have details after—
”
It didn’t mean anything to me then, though “naked” caught my attention, just the way the copywriter planned. Certainly I had no idea the coming report was the first link in a chain involving Hilary that I would have to unweld.
I was in a lousy mood. Loneliness is watching one comet and two fantails—Charlie, Jackie and Marty Goldfish—systematically defoliate the greenery in their ten-gallon aquarium tank at eleven o’clock at night. On a Saturday. In Philadelphia. The apartment was empty, The Old Man was busy wrecking his wheels in a midwestern demolition derby while I tried to salvage his fly-bitten detective agency, and the telephone remained silent. The latter being the chief irritant. Hilary had almost a week to call, but she didn’t not even after I squeezed an apology into the thirty seconds her recording machine allows.
Several months earlier, I’d been employed as secretary-houseboy-copywriter for Hilary’s PR firm in her ground-floor West End Avenue apartment in Manhattan’s mid-Eighties. I got the job a few years earlier on the recommendation of one of her clients, a resort comic who owed me a few favors.
My first impression of Hilary Quayle was mixed. Physically, I found her extremely appealing: sky-blue eyes, long graceful neck, pale blond silky hair that she used to tie severely in back, but now lets fall loosely in soft parentheses about her delicately complexioned. Though petite, she is well curved, dressing tastefully but modestly, yet the most sober business suit whispers contradictions when Hilary wears it.
But somehow Hilary’s beauty irritates her. She reminds me a little of St. Bridget, distracted from what she thought her true self by the accident of comeliness. Like Bridget, Hilary found a way of offsetting the attribute: sarcasm of so virulent a strain that at first she seems as warm and charming as a copperhead. It took me quite a while (though it was worth the wait) to glimpse the caring, vulnerable woman behind the facade, and to recognize Hilary as one of those blithely tormented people who never really know their own beauty and try to hide their uncertainty behind a rampart of bravado and irony.
Hilary is a frustrated detective. It stems from a tangled need to both emulate and surpass her father, himself a prominent Manhattan private investigator. He left Hilary and her mother when she was a girl, and ever since she’s tried to win Daddy’s approval—or at least, his notice. Once she offered to work for him for nothing so she could learn his business, but—equating her offer with the price—he refused with an offhand contempt that has smoldered in her ever since.
The stumbling block to her ambition is New York’s stipulation that an applicant must work three years at existing detective agencies before being eligible for a license. She’s tried to hold down such jobs, but never managed to last long. She blames her father, thinks he pulled strings to get her fired, but I find that doubtful. I don’t think he’d go to that much trouble on her account. More likely, her mouth just rammed broadside some very unliberated male employers.
The early days as Hilary’s assistant were strained. She fired me more than once, and I quit a few times, but little by little, a romantic bond began to grow between us, maybe not as strong as the one the dwarfs fashioned to bind the wolf, but tight enough to chafe us both. We were Mirabell and Millamant, afraid to climb down from our self-images and admit we liked each other. A case of love at first spite.
I got the bright idea to renew my old detective’s license, a relic of upstate unemployment from one of my many abortive pasts. I thought it would be the perfect way to help Hilary achieve her dream. “All you have to do,” I told her, “is chuck
PR
and open up an investigative bureau with me as figurehead, you as brains. Once you earn your license as my ‘employee,’ you can assume your rightful place as agency head. What do you think?”
“I think,” she replied acidulously, “that you want to change a symbiotic relationship to a parasitic one with myself as host body.”
That left her open to two cracks, one sexist, one psychological I was
so
stung by her attitude that I used them both, and as usual she fired me. It didn’t take, though. A week later, an old friend of hers called and on a rare impulse, Hilary asked me along for a few drinks at Mr. William Shakespeare’s in the Village. It was the beginning of the sequence of events elsewhere chronicled as
Bullets for Macbeth,
and it ended with me and Hilary as lovers. Our honeymoon lasted until last June. I made the mistake of inviting Hilary to the annual banquet of Sons of the Desert, the international Laurel and Hardy society. I’m a member of the New York founding “tent,” which until recently was strictly stag. Hilary found out, called me a sexist and refused to speak to me for days on end. The result was
The Laurel and Hardy Murders
and a change of membership policy at Sons of the Desert.
But by the time Hilary and I reconciled, my old job was filled. Not that I was out of work; while the deep freeze was on, I accepted an offer from Frank Butler, “The Old Man,” the worst excuse for a detective in the East I was sure it was a temporary situation, but then I suppose every employee thinks himself absolutely irreplaceable, so when Hilary gave my job to Harry Whelan, I was stunned. Also jealous. Harry is a part-time actor and full-time opportunist. He dated Hilary and went with her on a business trip to Washington that I’ve never felt easy about. I was sure he hadn’t gotten her out of his system. It’s difficult
One week before the night I sat gawking at my goldfish I was on the phone with Hilary having an old argument. She assured me for the hundredth time that I’d have my old job back as soon as Harry left. She’d been telling it to me for a long time. I figured it was time for her to make a token move to prove there was still something between us. Firing Harry would be a nice gesture.
“Has it occurred to you,” I asked her on the phone, “that dear Harry may not be pursuing his acting career quite so zealously these days?”
“Gene, you know it’s not unusual for an actor to be unemployed for long stretches of time.”
“Correction, milady—Harry
is
employed. He’s just not acting.”
“Are you implying,” she asked in her Number Two Icicle Voice, “that my relationship with him is anything other than professional?”
“No. Should I?”
A brief pause. Then in too precise diction she told me she refused to discuss it further. “If
you
want to wallow in neurotic projection, Gene, that’s—”
I whistled appreciatively. “Neurotic projection? An area of considerable expertise on your part, milady.”
I had the phone away from my ear before she slammed it down.
So I was still stuck in Philly earning peanuts from the laughable Benjamin F. Butler a/k/a The Old Man.
But exactly one day after the long-distance spat with Hilary, my resort comic pal—the one who first recommended me to Hilary—rang me up with the news that none other than Harry Whelan just signed a one-year contract with Colson-Ames Productions to play an ongoing part on (of all shows) the WBS-TV daytime drama—soap opera, if you insist—“Riverday.”
I’d often ribbed The Old Man for his addiction to “Days of Our Lives,” etc., but while he was out of town, he told me to videotape his favorite programs. That’s when I came out of the closet and got hooked on “Riverday.” It and “Ryan’s Hope” proved my downfall, partly because both are extremely well written, partly because I became enamored of an actress on “Riverday.” Her name is Lara Wells, and she bears an uncanny resemblance to Hilary Quayle. Of which, more anon.
Well,
I rejoiced,
it finally happened. Harry Whelan is a working actor once more!
He’d promised Hilary he’d move out once he found employment in his own field, so my old job finally was vacant and ready for me.
Only why hadn’t she called to ask me back? I gave her the benefit of the doubt and assumed she hadn’t known about Harry’s contract when she hung up on me. I decided to sit tight and wait for her to phone with the news.
I waited all week.
On Friday afternoon, I swallowed my pride and called her, but got her answering machine. That tended to confirm the report. Hilary dislikes using the recorder unless there’s no way she can leave the office manned.
So Harry must be gone,
I thought.
The beep sounded. I stammered a message of apology for what I’d recently said to her on the phone. It took too long but before the allotted half-minute elapsed, I managed to squeeze in a question: did she have anything to tell me?
I could’ve saved myself the trouble. It fetched no response. She didn’t call at all that day, Friday. Or the next day, either, the Saturday of the goldfish and the news bulletin.
I waited till evening, then my patience ditto temper ran out Around 10:30
P.M.
I left another message on Hilary’s answering machine. I had no trouble whatsoever fitting it into the thirty-second time limit
Because I had Harry on my mind, “Riverday” was already there, too. After I left my rude message, I settled down with the Philadelphia
Inquirer, the
edition for that Saturday, and while leafing through it saw a two-page spread with a headline at least forty-two points high.
MEET YOUR FAVORITE SOAP OPERA STARS
!Want to meet your favorite Soap Stars
IN PERSON
? Find out what they’re
REALLY, REALLY LIKE
? Get behind-the-camera lowdown on
THEIR
private lives? Here’s your chance...
There was a lot more copy, but the gist was that six men and a like number of women—performers representing all twelve current “soaps”—would be in the flesh Sunday from one o’clock on to greet the public and answer questions at the brand-new Delaware County Shopping Mall, twenty miles southeast of downtown Philly.
The representative for “Riverday” was Lara Wells, the Hilary Quayle lookalike I had a crush on.
The newspaper ad reminded me I hadn’t yet viewed Friday’s “Riverday” episode. Idly wondering whether Harry was on it, I fished it out of the holder and turned on the set, but before I had a chance to flick over to playback mode, my three goldfish caught my eye. It was about ten minutes before 11
PM
.