#SOBLESSED: the Annoying Actor Friend's Guide to Werking in Show Business

#SOBLESSED:

The Annoying Actor Friend’s Guide to Werking in Show
Business

By @Actor_Friend

This book was created as a work of
humor and parody and it is intended for entertainment purposes only. This book
makes no claim or guarantee to any of the content within. The author and
publisher are not affiliated with any of the persons or corporations, living or
dead, referenced in this book.

Additional characters, screen names,
incidents, and dialogue are drawn from the author’s imagination and are not to
be construed as real. Any resemblance to actual events or persons, living or
dead, is entirely coincidental.

Copyright © 2013
AnnoyingActorFriend.com

All Rights Reserved

FIRST EDITION

No part of this book may be used or
reproduced in any manner whatsoever without written permission of the author
except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles and
reviews. For information address: [email protected]

The author and publisher should have
neither liability nor responsibility to any person or entity with respect to
any loss or damage caused, or alleged to be caused, directly or indirectly by
any information presented in this work.

For –

all of the true Annoying Actor Friends out there, who
continue to live life, blissfully unaware that they are complete and utter
douche-bags.

I am forever #grateful. Eternally #blessed.

Oh, hey first rehearsal as a company member,
AEA
,
aaaaaaaand chorus
deputy
! Ayeeeeee!

*

Welcome to the first day of school! You hold in your
hand
the
essential how-to-succeed-in-show-business manual that will,
with out a doubt, teach you how to #werk. This book is a spin-off of the
Twitter account, AnnoyingActorFriend (@Actor_Friend), which was created to spread
awareness of annoying actor behavior on social media websites. As time went on,
the account took on other subjects like the
Rebecca
scandal, Russell
Crowe in
Les Miserables
, and eventually a fully-realized blog recapping
episodes of season two of
Smash
, called
SMASH Don’t Give a Shit!

I’m totes excited to break free of the chains that
bound me to 140 characters, but first I want to lay out a few ideas to keep in
mind as you commit this book to memory…

1.)
This book is the shit. It should be your bible as you navigate this business.

2.)
If something written within seems a bit unrealistic, know that it probably
happened to someone.

4.)
If something sounds a bit too familiar, it probably happened to you.

5.)
If there is a social media statement that feels oddly like something said by
someone you know, or possibly yourself – it most likely was.

6.)
The statements in
bold italics
that follow each chapter title are
100% real and were found on Twitter.

7.)
Learn the following terms and decide which one you relate to more…

AWARESIE
(n.)
:
Intelligent
followers of @Actor_Friend who are aware of the negative implications of social
media masturbation.

UNAWARESIE
(n.)
:
The
antithesis of an Awaresie. The Unawaresie is known to use social media as a
platform to spread awareness of their #blessedness. They use hashtags without
being ironic.

8.)
Study the differences between these two words…

WERK
(v.)
:
The art
of making shit happen in one’s career and kicking ass while doing it. Werking
is fun. It encompasses performance, networking, and all-around awesomeness.

WORK
(v.)
: The physical and mental effort performed to achieve
a goal. Working is hard. Sometimes shit takes work and not #werk. There is a
difference between the two and their individual usage in this book is
deliberate.

9.)
Tell everyone you know to buy this book. #ShamelessSelfPromotion

Finally, I would be remiss if I did not acknowledge
the precise moment that triggered the birth of Annoying Actor Friend. On a hot
day in July of 2012, a friend of mine sent me a screen capture of a status
update written by their actor friend. It read:

When it rains, it pours! Grateful beyond belief, and
overwhelmed in the best way by all the good things happening… Hey Universe, you
rock, but I cannot catch ALL of these giant raindrops myself…Can I share some
with friends who need it right now so we can all play in the rain??
:)

Seven minutes later, Annoying Actor Friend was born.
I want to sincerely thank the actor out there that invited us all to play in
their rain. Without them, and people like them, none of this would have been
possible.

***

I'm
so blessed
to be able to utilize the
opportunity to live and create as an
actor
. No matter where this
road goes I'm enjoying the ride.

*

Before you can learn to #werk in show business, you
must ask yourself: “Are you #blessed?” Being #blessed is not something that
comes quietly. You aren’t born with it. It is thrust upon you with little
warning. One day you’re content with the prospects of being a doctor and then
– BAM! – You’re like, “I gotta dance.” It’s a calling. Just like
when the nuns in
Sister Act
asked Deloris Van Cartier when she got “the call”
to join the sisterhood, actors receive a special call from the spiritual god of
theatre that tells us to go forth and spread our gift.

Receiving “the call” is the precise moment when an
actor becomes #blessed. It’s when they first discover they are destined to
#werk. However, thousands of actors get the call to #werk, but that doesn’t
always mean they will
work
. To be successful in show business, you can’t
just be #blessed. You have to be #SOBLESSED. The #SOBLESSED actor has an
enviable career, and carries with them an ultimate understanding of how the
industry #werks. Remember, it’s no coincidence that the words “Show Business”
have the same initials as #SOBLESSED. When we’re through, you’ll have all the
tools needed to truly fulfill your calling.

If you aren’t quite sure if you’re #blessed, or if
you’re ever going to be #blessed, here are a few examples of when ordinary
people discovered they were #blessed…

“@emmaxpace:
When I was 3 I saw Cats and ask my dad if that was a movie and he told me
"no, those are actual people performing"

“@drewchandler: Opening
night, age 11. I perspired while I boxstepped & a drop of melted Ben Nye
slid on my lips. It was the taste of #blessed”

“@baileyford2016:
On my 6th birthday when I cried realizing I wasn't Dakota Fanning yet”

The anointing can come from being emotionally
affected by a performance, while performing on stage, or even from a deeply-rooted
guttural envy you have of someone else’s #SOBLESSEDness. It doesn’t matter how
you become #blessed. It only matters that it happens. Once you are #blessed,
you are ready to embark on a journey that will take you deep into the mythical
kingdom of Manhattan, and all its surrounding wonder. This book will serve as a
guide in your quest to find the true meaning of being #blessed, and by the end
you will be #SOBLESSED.

If you said, “yes” to being #blessed, then consider
it the “places call” – for your destiny.

Done with all of
my college
auditions
:) I'm so satisfied with myself! Now all I need to do is sit back relax and
wait for acceptance #yayme

*

The majority of children are raised with the idea
that college comes after high school, and those children are also raised to
believe that a college degree will one day be mandatory if they want to get a
good job and be successful within their chosen field. To that, I say, “LOL,”
and to the first person who decided to create a major dedicated to the craft
responsible for jazz hands and coffee grinders, I hope you are sleeping tight within
your blankets woven out of hundred dollar bills.

Assholery isn’t taught. You’re born with it. Now,
it’s time to find an establishment that will cultivate it into a career. Before
we proceed down the dreaded path of college applications and the countless
different versions of one audition you are going to have to prepare, I want you
to decide if pursuing a degree in theatre is the first step you want to make in
your quest to be #SOBLESSED. If you’re deciding to blow off keggers and eight
a.m. ballet class to move right to the Boulevard of Broken Dreams, I suggest
you skip to the next chapter,
Pounding the Pavement
. If you’re a high
school student seriously considering applying in the near future, or you’re
just as bizarrely fascinated with clinging to your youth as I am, then you may
continue reading.

Some of you might still be in college, some of you
might be years away from college, and if you’re like me, you graduated college
about twenty-five minutes ago. Many elements of pursuing a BFA in theatre
(musical and straight acting) have not changed since the dark ages before The
Common App, when each application had to be filled out manually, and I had to
write my Social Security Number down countless times. In fact, perhaps the most
useful skill I ever learned in the entire BFA process was the accidental
memorization of my own Social Security Number. It was pretty much downhill
after that.

 Certain things have not changed. You still need
to pay an application fee AND an audition fee, each school wants a different
version of the same audition, and the major itself has only further evolved
into a degree in Commercial Theatre that will box you up into the most
marketable version of you possible – which may include, but is not
limited to, whichever successful graduating senior that you most closely
resemble from the last few years.

The best place to begin gathering information about
various BFA programs is over at CollegeConfidential.com. That is where we will
begin our journey. So, pour yourself a stiff drink and let me regale you with
tales from the seedy underbelly that is auditioning for a degree in theatre…

WHAT YOU’LL LEARN AT COLLEGECONFIDENTIAL.COM

The funny thing about College Confidential is that
it’s really not at all confidential. Some mom will go on there to ask a
question about the school and then a freshman named fansie24601 will respond and
then another freshman named bitch0FLivin will be like, “OMG! I’m a freshman,
too! It’s me, Cadence! Who is this?” Then fansie24601 will immediately follow
up with, “Hey Cadence! It’s Braxton!” And that’s around the time the
“confidential” part gets thrown under the bus as Cadence and Braxton gush about
their school for posts upon pages just in case their dean chooses to patrol the
forum.

Furthermore, even when you’re trying to stay
“confidential” on College Confidential, someone’s parent will undoubtedly out
you. I found an old post of mine (because OK fine this wasn’t my first trip to
the message board of musical madness), and sure enough, one of my classmate’s
parents had completely exposed my identity. Keep your parents at a bandwidth-distance
of 56kbit/s (that’s dialup) at all times. They will find a way to ruin your
life in the most endearing way possible. While we’re on the subject, let’s take
a minute to address what should be your biggest concern right now…

Your Parents

Perhaps the most hashtag-horrifying thing about applying
for college is finding out that your parents are more Internet savvy than you
thought. That doesn’t make them any less awkward. Current parents of
prospective freshmen are late Baby Boomers and early Gen X-ers. They use
capital letters, punctuation marks, and complete sentences when posting on
message boards. It’s so retro. Sometimes they attempt to embrace their
Millennial child’s Twitterhand by shortening a few words to sound more hip.
Primarily the words, “daughter” and “son.” They simply type D or S. Actually,
those are the only two words that ever get the shorthand treatment. Everything
else is relatively drawn out and detailed. Example: “My D and I took a lovely
trip across the great country of the United States of America to visit the
luxurious campus at New York University. My D thoroughly enjoyed their
production of
Precious: based on the novel Push by Sapphire: a new musical
fable.”

You are about to embark on a journey that will involve
several long distance travel days with your parents. Before you fully commit to
this, I want you to perform a critical analysis of your parent or guardian and ask
yourself the following questions:

What kind of parent are they?

How will they behave in the waiting area at an
audition?

Will they help or hinder my chances?

What sort of mundane questions will they ask during a
Q & A?

Will they embarrass me more than usual?

Will they flat out forget about my college visit?

These are all valid concerns and should be taken
seriously. Most parents in the waiting area at your auditions will be some sick
hybrid of cast rejects from
The Real Housewives
and
Dance Moms
.
Don’t let them be
your
parents. You don’t want to be the kid that didn’t
get into your top choice because you mom wouldn’t stop bragging to the student
monitor about your performance in the eighth grade production of
Sweeney
Todd
. Contrariwise, you don’t want parents who are so disconnected that you
miss an audition because your dad thought it was, “next weekend.”

If you can pinpoint what kind of parent you’re
dealing with before this entire shit show of an audition season starts, then
you will definitely have a #legup! The ideal parent is the one that follows
your lead and stands in the back quietly. Strike that – the ideal parent
is the one that just gives you their Amex and says, “Let me know how it works
out!”