Sold to the Highest Bidder (19 page)

It didn’t, however, look like a place to raise a child. Soon she’d have to start shopping for cribs and all manner of items.

“This is nice, Ell. It looks like you. Comfortable but classy.”

The unexpected compliment filled her with warmth, while at the same time putting her on alert. Devin was being nice. Too nice, considering.

“Thanks. It’s small, but I’ve been happy here.”

“Have you?”

Ah, there it was. Just the tiniest note of challenge. “Yes, I think I have.”

He put the box down on a drop-leaf table. “Do you want to tell me what happened at the paper? Did they force you to leave?”

Ella remembered the very awkward meeting she’d had with Charlie. For the first time ever someone had questioned her objectivity. Normally she would have felt the failure acutely. Instead, she felt proud that she’d written what she had. She had done the right thing—for Betty, for Dev. And for herself. Her sense of panic from earlier dissipated. Come what may, she knew she’d done the right thing.

“Not at all. Sure, I took some heat for the article, but it wouldn’t have cost me my job. It was more…a realization, I suppose, of the kinds of things I wanted to write about rather than what I was being told to write. I was so focused on where I was going that I used my job as a vehicle, you know? And I forgot to enjoy what I was doing. Maybe letting go of the Boston opportunity was good for me, when I think about it. It made me see I wasn’t really happy at the paper, and it wasn’t really a stepping stone anymore.”

“So you quit.”

“I did.”

His smile spread slowly. “That’s fantastic.”

The smile was contagious and she found herself answering with one of her own. “Sure. It’s always great to find oneself pregnant and unemployed.”

“Any plans?”

“I’m going to try freelancing for now, I guess. I can work from home until the baby is older. Now that you finally know what happened at work, will you please tell me what you’re doing here?”

Devin reached out and took her hand, squeezing her fingers in his. “I came to tell you I made a big mistake, Ella.”

Indecision swirled through her. “You did?”

He nodded, pulling her hand and pressing it to his chest. “I made a mistake signing those papers, and I’ve come to make it right.”

Chapter Thirteen

Ella pulled her hand away. No, he couldn’t be doing this to her now. Not now when she finally had achieved the impossible—getting him to agree to a divorce. She had worked so hard to make a new start for herself. And yet every time she thought about it, Devin snuck into her thoughts and dreams. He couldn’t be changing his mind now, could he? She forced herself to take a few clearing breaths. “It is too late, Devin. The papers have been signed and registered with the court. We
are
divorced.”

“I know. It doesn’t matter.”

Hope fluttered and she frowned, annoyed that she was reacting this way. She had to think with her head. Her heart wasn’t trustworthy. She had to stand on her own two feet. Devin kept changing his mind about what he wanted. But with the courts, it was as final as it was going to get. He couldn’t hold it over her any longer.

“What do you mean, it doesn’t matter? Of course it does. Our marriage is over. And divorcing wasn’t a mistake. We needed to do it so we can focus on just being parents.” Desperation slipped into her voice. Co-parenting was going to be difficult enough. They had to find a way to put their lingering feelings aside, not only for the sake of their child but for themselves too. She realized what she needed from Devin was what he’d been in the beginning—that one person she could rely on, talk to, go to when she was in trouble. And that person was slipping away with each moment. “We
agreed
, Devin. It’s for the best for all of us.”

“I know.” He refused to rise to her challenge. On the contrary, he seemed so very sure of himself it was scaring her. Because she wasn’t sure at all. She’d missed him horribly since coming back to Denver. She’d cried the day the papers had been filed. On the surface she could say it was hormones. In her heart she knew what it was, and right now it was hurting her—deeply. She’d thought a part-time Devin would be better than no Devin at all. But seeing him—and not having him—caused a little slash of pain each time they met. She couldn’t forget. She didn’t
want
to forget, not deep down. She didn’t want a man who felt obligated to her. She wanted her champion back. She wanted her Devin back. Anything less wasn’t enough.

“That day at the cabin, you asked me to hear you out, and I did, remember?”

She nodded, remembering just how difficult it had been to say the words and to say goodbye.

“Now I’m asking the same of you. Hear me out. Please, just listen to what I have to say.”

She went to the sofa and sank into the cushions, a relief after being on her feet most of the day combined with her churning emotions. But Devin didn’t sit. He paced in front of her.

“When I read your article, Ell… No, wait,” he amended, coming to a halt and standing before her. His dimple was nowhere in sight, hidden behind his serious expression. His dark gaze reached into her middle and grabbed her. This was the only man she’d ever given her body to. The man who had fathered the child inside her, the man who had the ability to turn her world upside down over and over again. She didn’t care what he had to say for a fleeting, beautiful instant. She wanted to rise and simply walk into his arms, let him shelter her from the world outside and all the unknowns she now found herself faced with.

But she didn’t. She had left him all those years ago because she had been afraid to rely on him too much. She’d been afraid of being overshadowed until her sense of self was eaten up by his strength. She’d been afraid of her own weakness. Going to him would be easy, but it still scared her. She had to know she was making decisions out of her own strength, not by relying on his.

“What is it?” She asked the question, remaining on the sofa, though it took a good part of her will to do so.

“What you said the night you told me about the baby. You were right. I didn’t give you a chance when I got sick. I didn’t fight for you. I wanted you to fight for me, and I was too proud to ask. I thought that when I was better I’d go after you, so I waited, hoping you’d come to your senses first. But then when the doctor said…” He stopped, swallowed thickly. “I only heard the hindrance, not the possibility, and I was afraid. And I hid behind it because you left without looking back and it hurt. I was wrong. You told me how you were feeling and I closed my mind to it.”

Ella stared at him dumbfounded. Dev wasn’t the kind to admit when he was wrong or apologize for it. And afraid? Oh, how she understood that part. Knowing he’d been afraid too touched her more deeply than she cared to admit. “What changed your mind?”

He squatted down before her, put his hands on her knees and looked up into her face. How she loved his face—the slight shadow of stubble on his chin, the way his eyes crinkled at the corners, the dip in the top of his lip. He had always been her ideal. Now, with his child growing within her, she realized he still was. There was no other man on earth she wanted to father her baby. Not just to father him or her, but to be a parent. He would be strong but kind, firm but caring. Supportive and fun. She swallowed, wanting to hope but afraid to because of what it would mean.

“
You
changed my mind. When you kept your word and when you wrote that article about Betty. It was the girl I remembered. I always wondered if she was in there somewhere, and she was. The Ella that was fair, and kind, and thought with her heart. Someone strong and sure of herself.” He squeezed her knees. “I love that girl.”

She blinked. He’d said “love”, not “loved”… But they were over. It was for the best. She’d said it over and over…

“You love…” But she couldn’t bring herself to say the rest.

“I love you, Ella. God knows, I never stopped. Why else would I have been so angry?”

“Angry?”

He reached up with one hand, tracing his thumb tenderly over one cheek. “God woman, you drive me insane. Always have. You could never have gotten to me so easily if I didn’t love you so much. With or without any baby. It’s always been you.”

The words sank in, reached in, took hold. Suddenly the restraint she’d forced upon herself since she’d left his office burst forth, out on a gasp and a quick inhale. She was desperately trying not to cry.

He loved her. The words she’d never expected to hear him utter ever again still hummed in her ears. She’d given up all hope when he’d insisted they try again for the sake of the baby. She was so afraid of what it would mean, being with him, hoping. Wanting his heart but knowing she didn’t have it. But Devin, always sincere Devin, had said it, not once but twice.

“What took you so long?” she wailed, abashed at the emotional outburst, unable to stop it.

Devin sank to his knees and pulled her into his arms. “Pride,” he admitted. “I wanted to fix everything. When you came back I wanted to fix things my way. At first I wanted to make you pay, and then I wanted you to come begging, admitting how wrong you were. But you never did, you strong, beautiful girl.”

“I wanted to.” She sniffled, burrowing into the warmth of his neck, closing her eyes and inhaling his scent. “I really wanted to. But I couldn’t let it be on your terms. I was…I
am
so afraid of being swallowed up by you, Dev. I have felt so much at your mercy. At the mercy of my feelings for you, like my mother was for my father. It ruined her, that love. And yet all I wanted was… I wanted you to…” She halted, her throat closing over.

“You wanted me to love you?”

“Yes,” she choked.

“And I wanted to fix things but I was too afraid to be vulnerable. I focused on the facts of our marriage rather than the most important thing—that you always were, and still are, the woman I loved.”

“You were scared?” She couldn’t believe it. Devin was never afraid. He’d fought cancer and won. He’d pulled himself up from nothing and built a successful business. He beat the odds time and again. And he’d been afraid…of her?

“My whole life I’ve been trying to fix things for those I care about,” he said, nudging her back up on the sofa and sitting on the cushion next to her. He held her hands within his, his strong fingers cradling them possessively. “Even when we married. I loved you, but most of all I could see how you were broken and I wanted to make it better. I wanted to be your family. I thought if I could do that, it would all be okay.”

“Oh, Devin,” she whispered, melting a little as she realized what he’d wanted to give her.

“When Dad had his heart attack,” he continued, “I built them their house so he could retire. And when Betty got sick…I wanted to fix that too. But with you and the baby… You wouldn’t let me get away with that. You wouldn’t let me fix anything the way I wanted. You are way too strong. Thank God.”

Her heart sang at his words calling her strong. “I don’t feel very strong. I was afraid to rely on you. I thought it would make me less, well, me. I jumped to conclusions. You’re not the only one at fault. My letter, ending the marriage… I know now it was a call for help. I felt so lost there, so out of step with my classmates. I missed you and felt like I shouldn’t. I didn’t fit in and I knew I wanted to finish school. I missed you so much I felt physically ill. It scared me so much I thought walking away would be easier. I waited, remember? You didn’t get the first set of divorce papers for several months. I wanted you to come back and change my mind. When you didn’t… If I’d known how sick you were…”

“And I thought I had nothing to offer you at first. Then when the papers came… Oh Ell, everything I did was because I was so damn hurt.”

“Do you think we can stop hurting each other?” She sniffed, pulled her fingers away to wipe beneath her eyes. Even when he’d asked to give them another shot, she’d known the gap between them was too wide. It had narrowed, but was it enough?

“It depends.” He leaned forward, sitting on an angle.

“On what?”

“On whether or not you love me.”

Love him? Of course she loved him. Her whole body seemed to suddenly expand with it. She slid over the few inches that remained between them, reached up with her hands and cupped his jaw.

“Of course I love you. Do you think I could have made love to you otherwise?” Emotion clogged her throat and she laughed, a thick, emotional, happy sound. “Do you think we could have made this baby without it?”

Devin closed his eyes, letting her words fill him, feeling relief that his faith—his risk—had been rewarded. More than ever he was sure they could put their marriage back together. And right now, the idea that their love—whether conscious of it or not—had made their child possible was so profound, so unbelievable, that he wanted, needed, to feel a connection.

It was more than physical. How could he have once thought it wasn’t? He covered her hands with his, sliding his fingers up her arms until they caressed her neck. He felt her pulse beneath the skin, warm and strong and fast. “Ella, I…”

“Shhh,” she murmured, and her fingers slid down his chin to press against his chest. “I know.”

He kissed her, softly, knowing his hands trembled against her hair, her skin precious beneath the pads of his fingers. He wanted her, not only for the flare of passion between them that had never been extinguished. Right now he was as nervous as he’d been on their wedding day, when they’d been little more than kids, barely legal. Then, as now, it wasn’t about bodies and desire and slaking lust. It was heart, body and soul. Taking a leap off a cliff.

“I want to see you,” he whispered. He ran his fingers over her blouse and slipped the first buttons from their loops, revealing the shadows of her collarbone. “And I’m scared,” he admitted. “God, that sounds ridiculous.”

“Don’t be scared,” she whispered back. She took his hand and rose, leading him to the bedroom. He stepped inside the small room, the afternoon light filtering thinly through the slatted blinds, creating gray shadows on the wall.

Words no longer seemed to matter. As he waited, utterly helpless, Ella released the rest of her buttons, sliding the soft blouse off her shoulders and letting it drop to the floor. Her bra was white with a simple edging of lace, and she released the clasp, revealing her breasts to him. His arousal surged as he realized they were slightly fuller than before. A result of the pregnancy? So many changes going on in her body, ones he was responsible for. The thought was simply awesome. He wanted to acknowledge them, to share them with her. Holding his breath, he stepped forward and grazed his fingers over the creamy white crest on the side.

“So warm…so soft,” he murmured, cupping her in his hands. Marveling at the fullness.

Between them, her fingers loosened the button on her skirt. Devin reached inside the waistband, inside her pantyhose, and pushed both down together until they lay in a heap on the carpeting. When he stood, she was before him clad only in a pair of very basic bikini panties. And with her gaze fused with his, she hooked her fingers in the band and slid them down, stepping out of them until she was completely naked.

“Now you see me,” she said huskily, and he saw her nipples peak in the cool air of the room. She was beautiful. All blondness and pale, perfect skin, her dark eyes luminous in the pale light of the room. Her hands rested lightly on her pelvic bones. Inside the V formed by her fingers and thumbs, their baby was growing, this very minute.

“And you’re beautiful,” he answered, struggling to find the words to express everything he was feeling and coming up short. How could he explain how much she still meant to him? How her strength was what had made this at all possible? What he was feeling was awe, pure and simple.