Some Kind of Hell (8 page)

“No.”

“How about Christmas?”

“No...”

“Then nothing to be sorry about.”

It filled me with warmth. My grandfather always had a way to make the worst moments seem okay, that life would move forward, no matter what. It was powerful to think about at a young age but beautiful to love through as his age.

“How are you feeling?” I asked.

“I’m good,” he said, forcing his voice to go high to sound normal.

The reality was that his voice was weak. Tired. Worn out.

It was all part of the ordeal, that’s what my mother told me. She was his caretaker and I was glad she had someone there with her in the house I didn’t think she’d ever recover when my father left her - and me.

“Don’t lie to me,” I said. “I can hear your voice.”

“I slept in,” my grandfather said.

That bothered me more than if he had just said he wasn’t feeling well and was tired.

“You never sleep in.”

“I do once in a while,” he said. “Are you happy, Annie?”

The question was loaded and caught me off guard. It stole my breath for a second. I couldn’t lie to my grandfather. Ever.

My silence began to give the answer I feared I’d have to give.

“You know,” he said, “you don’t have to worry about me.”

“Is that so?” I asked.

“Yeah. I’m fine, Annie, just fine.”

“You’re not fine. You had or still have cancer.”

“I got a call yesterday, Annie,” my grandfather said. His tone was smooth and calm, the voice he used when leading into a story. “A friend of mine, Jerry, who I used to see and talk to at the gym all the time died yesterday. Just... just like that. Dead.”

“I’m sorry,” I said. “That’s hard.”

“No. That’s life. Annie, you’re young. You have the world staring at you and it’s endless. So many things to do. So many people to meet. Chances to fall in love, get hurt, do it all over again. At my age, it’s not like that at all. The world is smaller to me, confined to those I love because someday - hopefully not soon - I won’t see everyone again. It can be cancer that does it or it can be a heart attack, just like Jerry.”

I didn’t need to reply. I understood what he meant. How precious life was to him and how he didn’t fear death. Not for a second. My mother and I were the ones crying like fools when we found out about his cancer. But not him. He stood strong and while he didn’t have the forced confidence to say he was going to destroy it, he wasn’t afraid to acknowledge it had the power to take him away.

“I love you, grandpa,” I said. “I needed to talk to you. For me.”

“Okay,” he said. “Okay. I sure hope you find something you want soon. You can’t hide and be afraid. I believe that it all somehow comes together. Usually when you least expect it.”

Our conversation shifted from the depressing side of life to other things. He talked about the weather, acting as if I was a continent away. When he talked about rain, I had to laugh because we got the same rain he did. The same with the temperature and even some of the news around us. But it was just good to hear his voice.

When I got off the phone, I felt a little better.

I went to find Maggie and knocked on her door.

“I’m here to beg for forgiveness,” I said.

The door opened and Maggie stood trying to look tough. “I don’t know. You didn’t sound sorry just then.”

“Oh, Maggie,” I said, trying to keep myself from laughing. “I am so sorry. I would rather suffer death than see your face in pain.”

I began to make kissing sounds and tried tickling her. We both started laughing and almost fell as we scuffled for a few seconds. Maggie finally ended it by making some kind of growling sound and shaking her head.

“I’ll never understand you,” she said.

“Good. Neither will I.”

“Logan has his hands full.”

“He did the other night,” I whispered and shook my chest.

“I talked to Tripp this morning and he talked to Jason again.”

“Uh-oh,” I said. I pictured the worst. The management guy backed out...

“No, it’s a good thing,” Maggie said. “They’re flying out to LA early next week to meet with Jason and talk strategy.”

“Talk strategy,” I whispered. “I can’t believe that’s happening for them.”

“They deserve it,” Maggie said.

“Oh, yeah, of course they do. I’m not saying they don’t. It’s just... I don’t know, a little funny how I finally get to hang out with Logan and he’s leaving. Probably for good, right?”

“They’re not moving there,” Maggie said. “They still have to play shows here and record their full demo. Jason has to shop it, too. There’s lots of time here, Annie.”

“What would you do?” I asked. “I mean, if the band left.”

“I’d cross that bridge when I came to it,” Maggie said.

“I want to live like you.”

“You used to be the crazier one,” Maggie said. “Did Jared really hurt you that bad?”

I swallowed. The honesty of the question was like a dagger to my heart.

“I don’t know,” I whispered. “I mean, I wasn’t happy for a long time. But I was comfortable. I thought I was in a rut and that we were in a rut. But that town, Maggie, it just sucks you in, holds you there. You know, part of me almost doesn’t blame Jared because things had gotten so slow and so boring.”

“No,” Maggie said. “He doesn’t get a pass. Ever. I don’t care.”

“Okay, fine. I hate him.”

“Good.”

“I’m just... I feel like I did my time and then I got kicked out and someone else got the reward.”

“Shit,” Maggie said. “You really think that way? That you’re paying a price for something else?”

“I don’t know. I think so.”

“That’s horrible. If you’re not happy, you need to go. You need to leave and find something that makes you happy. Just because you were with Jared for years didn’t mean he’d marry you and knock you up.”

“But he went out and knocked up someone else,” I said.

“So what?” Maggie asked. “That’s his life. You’re free.”

“Free...”

I wanted to say more, to be bitter, but I suddenly thought of Logan. I saw him without his shirt. Looking at his scars. His body against mine. His hands and fingers touching me everywhere I wanted to be touched.

“When is DownCrash leaving again?” I asked.

“Don’t worry, we have time. Are you working tonight?”

“No,” I said. “I have the day off.”

Maggie hugged me and said, “Good. I’m taking you out to lunch and then we’ll casually drop in on a DownCrash practice. I’m going to go to Tatum’s tonight and you’re going to bring Logan back here.”

“Back here?”

“Why not? Annie, this is your place. You need to be here, be home. Enjoy it. Bring a guy back here and enjoy it. Shit, Annie, this is your life right now. If you don’t embrace it, you’re going to look back and regret it.”

“You sound like my grandfather,” I said.

“That’s because we’re both smart.”

I smiled.

My day was booked and my night would end with Logan in my bed.

~8~

I started to reach for the garage door and Maggie took my wrist and pulled me back. The muffled sound of music came from the garage and I turned to look at her, wondering what the heck was wrong.

“Just listen,” she said.

So we did.

It was the acoustic song Logan had offered up. As the band played, I realized that they had definitely been working on it since that first night. They played together a little smoother and all three sang at certain parts. Logan and Tripp traded vocals, their voices different yet equally sexy. It made the song that much better. When the solos came, I picked up right where Logan and Tatum each played. Logan had more guitar skill than Tatum did, but I would never say that to Maggie. Or Tatum. Logan’s guitar solo sounded more technical, more notes, adding more life to the song. For Tatum’s guitar solo, he would strike notes and hold them or bend them. It was a slower solo, but it worked for the song.

The song was incredible. If added to the end of the demo, it would definitely get DownCrash a deal. I really hoped they would use it. I could picture music executives listening to the demo and hearing the normal DownCrash songs with the fast and powerful music. But then this last song, this bonus track even was so slow, so beautifully written.

“Fuck, they are so good,” I said. “So, so good.”

“They’re going to be huge,” Maggie said. “They’ll be on some kind of tour by next week, I know it.”

I wanted to ask,
Then what about us?
but I knew Maggie didn’t want to live like that, so I opened the garage. We would enjoy DownCrash as we knew them now.

The song had ended, but Logan continued playing. Strumming the chords, hitting the notes, staring at his guitar. He was deep in thought, but the second he saw me, he put the guitar down and had his eyes set on me.

“Annie,” he said.

“Hey,” I said.

We stood awkwardly and unsure if we should hug, kiss, or just bolt out of there and finish what we started the other night.

“How’s practice?” I asked.

“Awesome, as always. We’re leaving for LA...”

“Maggie told me,” I said. “That’s really cool. I mean, really really cool, Logan.”

“I know. Jason wants us to come out and sign some papers, jam with him, and talk songs, shows, whatever.”

“Not whatever,” Tripp said. “Not whatever.”

“Don’t mind him,” Logan said. “He’s shit his pants three times already.”

“Dude, fuck off,” Tripp said and stormed away.

“Is he okay?” I asked.

“Nerves,” Tatum said. “He doesn’t do well with failure.”

“What’s failed?” Maggie asked.

“Nothing. He’s just worried.”

“You guys are too good,” I said.

“She’s pretty and smart,” Tatum said. “You better get her soon.”

My mouth fell open and I felt my cheeks starting to blush a little. Logan wrapped his arm around me and walked me out of the garage. Once we were outside and I saw the back of Tripp’s house, my body started to ache again. My heart picked up speed as I reminded myself what had happened in that house.

“Annie, listen,” Logan said, “about the other night...”

“What about it?”

“Do you always have to get so defensive?”

“Why not? What are you going to tell me? That you have a girlfriend? That it was just fooling around? Is that why you didn’t want to fuck me?”

Logan stared at me in disbelief. I challenged him yet again, and this time I was seriously mad at myself. I knew I had to be really pushing my luck, trying to push him away. Eventually he would just walk away and probably for good. He had no commitment to me. His only commitment was to the two guys in the garage - Tripp and Tatum. Everything after that was fun or pleasure, or both.

“Wow,” Logan whispered. “What the hell...”

“Tell me what you have to say then,” I said.

I knew I wanted Logan to walk away so I could embrace the tragedy of it all. I could go back to losing myself in my calendars and time. I could sit there and think about all the things that had gone wrong and how everything would probably keep going wrong. That’s what I was used to, even if it wasn’t what I wanted.

Logan reached for me and I stepped back, inching my back closer to the garage.

“Annie...”

“We were together the other night, right?” I asked. “You got what you wanted. Now you can go to LA and follow your dream.”

Logan made fists and his face looked ready to explode. His eyes were really wide, their beautiful blue color doing all they could to capture me, but I resisted. What I couldn’t resist - or stop - was how Logan came at me next. I stepped back as far as I could, but hit the garage. That didn’t stop Logan. His body was suddenly against mine, his hands touched my wrists, lifting them above my head. His hands opened and forced my hands to open, our fingers interlocking. The tip of his nose touched the tip of my nose.

We stood like that for a few seconds, breathing, staring.

“You think I don’t want you?” he asked.

“No. I said you didn’t want to fuck me.”

I was being such a bitch and I couldn’t control it. I couldn’t stop. I liked the way Logan acted.

He curled his lip and then kissed me. He let his lips speak what his voice perhaps couldn’t. And that’s just what I needed. He kissed me with an aggression that forced my head against the garage, almost hurting me. His tongue was warm and passionate, his lips overtaking mine the second the kiss started. He even squeezed his fingers together, holding my hands tight. His body pressed against me and I could feel him growing harder by the second.

When the kiss broke, I gasped for air, trying not to make it look obvious, but that couldn’t be helped. It was totally the hottest kiss of my life. That was something I could have only lived through in a dream, but there I was, living it next to the practice garage of DownCrash.

Logan then took my left hand and moved it down, placing it to his chest. He put my palm to his chest and his over my hand, holding it there tight.

“You feel that?” he whispered.

I did. I felt the quick, racing thuds of his heart.

I nodded.

“That’s what you do to me,” he said. “It doesn’t even take a kiss for that to happen.”

“Logan...”

“And you want me to fuck you, Annie? I will. But the other night wasn’t the night. I wasn’t looking for a one night stand. I wanted to touch you, pleasure you, feel you in my arms. And I did.”

Logan backed away, taking his hands away.

Was he for real?

Logan turned to walk away and I yelled for him.

“Wait! Please...”

Logan froze. He stuck his hands into his pockets and stood there, his back to me.

“I’m sorry,” I said. “I deserve it, okay? You can be mad at me, hate me, whatever. You should have felt my heart racing too, Logan.”

“Maybe I already did,” Logan said. “The other night.”

I shuddered.

Fuck, the other night was so hot.

“Maybe that’s why more didn’t happen. Because if it starts... I could fall for you.”

“I could fall for you too,” I said.

“I shouldn’t care like I do,” Logan said. “And it frustrates me.”

There was the word I had been looking for.