Something Like Thunder (17 page)

“I don’t know,” Nathaniel said. “I guess that depends on what he’s like. Maybe he won’t want to see me, or maybe he’s a creep. It’s pretty damn ironic either way. I brought you here to show you who I am, only to find out that I don’t actually know.”

“That’s not true,” Caesar said, handing back the photo. “You know who Carrie is?”

The Asian girl, the oldest kid in the Hubbard household.

“She’s my sister,” Caesar continued. His expression welcomed challenge. When it didn’t come, he explained. “We’re not blood. She doesn’t know who her biological parents are, but she has a mom and a dad, and she definitely has a brother. Anyone who says otherwise is asking for this.”

Nathaniel tried not to laugh when Caesar held up a fist. He failed. “But what if her real parents—sorry, her biological parents—showed up one day?”

“So what?” Caesar said. “It wouldn’t change who she’s been this whole time. She hasn’t been living a lie or pretending to have a family. That’s not how it works. Your parents should have been honest with you, but they’re still your family.”

“I’m not sure I want them to be,” Nathaniel said. “That’s the difference between Carrie and me.”

“I guess so.” Caesar nodded at the photo. “Are you going to see him?”

“Yeah. I don’t know where he is, and nobody wants to tell me, but I’ll track him down.”

“I’ll help you,” Caesar said. “If you still want me to.”

“Of course!” Nathaniel said. “Why wouldn’t I?”

“Because earlier… I don’t know.”

Earlier. The kiss now seemed a million miles away. Nathaniel had been so preoccupied with what he had learned that he’d nearly forgotten. Now it all came rushing back, not that it mattered because the Hubbards still expected better of him and Steph— Oh shit!

“You broke up with her.”

Caesar flopped back on the bed with a sigh. “Yeah.”

“Why?”

“We’ve been arguing a lot lately, and both of us have said we’d be better off as friends. She still cried, which makes me feel like crap, but I wanted to do the right thing.”

Nathaniel scowled. “Because of the kiss? It was a one-time thing. I wouldn’t have told her.”

Caesar was quiet. When he spoke again, his voice sounded vulnerable. “What’s the bigger betrayal in your mind, kissing someone else or having feelings for them?”

“I wouldn’t have told her about that either.”

“Her not knowing doesn’t make it okay!”

“So what are you going to do, never date again just because you have feelings for me?” Nathaniel exhaled. “We can’t be together. It’s not just Steph. If your parents found out—”

“I won’t tell them.”

“Not knowing doesn’t make it okay.” Nathaniel glanced back to find Caesar grinning, like he’d already solved the problem. “I’m serious.”

Caesar studied him. “So am I.”

Nathaniel had lost so much tonight: a brother, a father, maybe even a part of his own identity. That he might gain something new, something he had long desired… the temptation was too great. Still, he had to try to do the right thing. Just once more.

“I’m tired. It’s time for bed.”

He rose to switch off the light, but turned around before doing so. Caesar was settling beneath the covers, his back to the room. Nathaniel didn’t blame him. The poor guy had dumped his girlfriend, only to be rejected after a very misleading kiss. As Nathaniel got undressed in the dark and slipped between the sheets, he realized he couldn’t have made a bigger mess of things. Anything he could have done wrong, he had. Except that wasn’t quite true. Not yet. His final mistake would be falling asleep and waking up again to find their potential swallowed up by the morning chill.

He reached out, the tips of his fingers touching warm cotton. Caesar breathed in sharply and went still. Nathaniel froze too, but not for long. Touching him felt good. His fingertips traced an abstract shape across Caesar’s back, summoning a sigh. Nathaniel pressed his palm against him, slowly moving it up and down, delighting in the friction that was pulling the fabric upward. He reached down for the hem, Caesar quickly helping to remove the shirt before lying back down. Nathaniel touched his back again, this time feeling warm skin. He caressed the boney shoulder blades, then let his fingers crest the side of his torso to the ribs. Caesar captured his hand, tugging on his arm so that Nathaniel was forced to scoot closer.

Their bodies made contact piece by piece. Nathaniel’s knee bumped the back of Caesar’s thigh before nestling into the nook of his leg. Toes touched ankle before sliding beneath Caesar’s foot. His arm flexed as Caesar’s back made contact with his chest, drawing them even closer together. This only left one area, which he was purposefully holding back. Caesar had other ideas, pressing his rump against Nathaniel’s crotch and squirming a little, just to make a point.

That was pretty damn exciting, but Nathaniel’s attention was on Caesar’s ear, which he delicately nibbled. Caesar’s face turned to meet his, eyes shining. He looked so happy! Nathaniel stared, astonished that he could make anyone feel that way. Then he realized he could make them both feel a lot happier by leaning forward. Their lips met, Caesar smiling briefly in the middle of their kiss. He scooted away, but only to roll over so they were facing each other.

“This isn’t a one-time thing,” he said. “Promise me.”

“It might not be a thing at all,” Nathaniel said. “Not if you keep talking.”

“I like talking,” Caesar said mischievously.

“Really? Then give me something to work with.” Nathaniel managed to sound cocky, when in reality, he was the inexperienced one. He knew from previous conversations that neither of them had really been with a guy, but Caesar had been with a few girls, one of them a regular partner. Nathaniel had no idea how he was expected to compete with that.

“Roll over onto your back,” Caesar said.

Nathaniel did as he was told, sucking in air when Caesar’s hand slid over his pecs before moving south. The tips of Caesar’s fingers snuck beneath the band of his boxers and found his cock, gripping it tightly. Nathaniel supposed that was one arena where Steph couldn’t measure up.

“Nice,” Caesar hissed in appreciation, pumping his hand up and down. “You like how that feels?”

Nathaniel answered by grabbing Caesar beneath the pits and yanking him over so he was lying on top. Then he reached for the waist of his pajama bottoms and shoved them down enough for something hard to thwack against his thigh. As Nathaniel gripped this and stroked it, a memory flashed of that final day with his former friend. At least this was familiar territory.

“That’s it,” Caesar said, voice husky like he was auditioning for a porn movie. “Tug on my dick.”

Nathaniel stopped what he was doing. “You talk too much, you know that?”

“Steph liked it.”

“Probably because she didn’t have a convenient way of shutting you up.”

“Such as?”

Nathaniel put a hand on top of Caesar’s head and pushed downward, but he didn’t really need to. They both wanted the same thing. Caesar gleefully scurried beneath the covers and farther down the mattress. Nathaniel braced himself, wondering if the reality could possibly feel as good as his fantasies.

It was better. Even the way Caesar kept nicking him with his teeth summoned pleasure. Part of Nathaniel was eager to return the favor. The rest of him was caught up in selfish bliss. He remained on his back, trying to moan quietly, the spell broken when Caesar stopped suddenly and threw back the covers.

“Hey. Are you uncut?”

Nathaniel glanced down. “Yeah. So?”

“Can we turn on the light? I want to see.”

Nathaniel rolled his eyes, reaching down to pull Caesar up to his level. He kissed him before another conversation could start. Then he flipped Caesar onto his back, making the same journey south. He noticed first the musky smell, which made his cock flex in anticipation. He felt wiry pubic hair on his cheek as he grabbed Caesar’s searing hot cock. Then he took it in his mouth to help cool it down.

He gagged a few times before he got the hang of it, listening intently to Caesar’s breathing, taking it as a good sign when he started to moan. Then Caesar started talking again, making requests, asking Nathaniel to return so they could swap. His pleas were ignored, Nathaniel focusing on the task at hand. He had fantasized about this for so long and felt like he could never do it enough to make up for all those years of wanting. Eventually Caesar stopped talking and started whimpering. Nathaniel bobbed his head up and down faster and was rewarded with hot spurts of liquid in his mouth. He wasn’t sure if he’d like it, and admittedly it was a little weird, but being drunk on hormones made it easy to swallow.

Caesar pushed him away when he tried to keep going, so Nathaniel crawled back up to his level, rubbing himself against Caesar’s hip to express his need.

“Don’t worry,” Caesar said. “I’ll take care of you. I promise. But first…” He swung out of bed. A moment later, the lights flicked on.

Nathaniel growled in protest, blinking. “What are you doing?”

“I told you. I want to see.”

Caesar returned to bed, pulled back the covers, and hopped in. He leaned across Nathaniel’s waist, propping himself up with one elbow. This gave him perfect access to Nathaniel’s cock, which he took hold of gingerly. Nathaniel glanced down to see him rolling the foreskin up over the head before tugging gently on the loose skin.

“Wow! This is so cool!

“It’s not a toy,” Nathaniel complained.

“I beg to differ. Does this feel good?” Caesar ran his tongue around the ring of skin, causing him to moan. “What else do you like?”

“I don’t care,” Nathaniel said, his head flopping back on the pillow. “Do whatever you want. Just don’t stop.”

Caesar kept playing, trying out different techniques, all of which felt good. When Nathaniel whispered a warning that he was getting close, Caesar replied with “Yeah. Do it!”

Nathaniel did, his hips bucking. Caesar didn’t swallow, choosing instead to watch the show. From the impressed noises he made followed by a happy laugh, he wasn’t disappointed.

“We’re going to need a towel,” he said. “Maybe two.”

“Just get up here,” Nathaniel replied.

“Seriously. This is really—”

“Now.”

Caesar obeyed, Nathaniel grabbing him tight.

“Ew! We’re going to get glued together.”

“I don’t care,” Nathaniel said. “You know why?”

Caesar stopped resisting and relaxed into his arms. “Why?”

“Because you’re right. This isn’t a one-time thing.”

“Promise?”

“Yeah,” Nathaniel said with a squeeze. “I promise.”

Chapter Seven

The drive back to Texas was more relaxed than Nathaniel had imagined it would be. Sure, he was still racing toward home in the hope of learning the truth, but now he had a boyfriend at his side. One who went down on him somewhere in Oklahoma. Caesar had seemed so shy and repressed when Nathaniel had first met him. Then he had discovered a more confident side, a guy who liked to make his girlfriend laugh. And now… Nathaniel didn’t have anyone to compare him to, but he sure seemed wild. Not that it mattered. He didn’t focus on the sex much because best of all was how Caesar kept reaching over to take his hand during the drive, eyes shiny as he grinned.

As they passed through Dallas, Nathaniel decided they needed to talk. “We could tell your parents,” he said, testing the waters. “We aren’t doing anything illegal.”

Caesar mulled this over. “I don’t think they would let you keep living there, and right now I’m
really
liking the idea of you being around.”

“Yeah, me too. We’ll have to be careful. No messing around at the house.”

Caesar snorted. “So anytime we want to do it, we’ll have to find a bush somewhere? That doesn’t sound safe.”

“We just have to be smart. That’s all I mean.”

He wasn’t so cautious when they reached Houston. He dropped off Caesar at the Hubbards’ house before driving over to his former residence. He didn’t worry about Dwight being home or running into his father. Heath. Nathaniel didn’t concern himself about any of that. He simply hoped luck would be on his side. And it was. His mother met him in the entryway. As much anger that had pounded through his veins over the past twenty-four hours, he never felt he had lost her, which made accepting her hug easy.

“I’m sorry,” she said. “I didn’t want you to find out like this.”

“I need answers.” Nathaniel took a step back. “I want to know everything.”

Star nodded. “Come to the kitchen with me. Are you hungry?”

“No,” he lied. “I just want to talk.”

His mother had been expecting him. Or maybe she needed to revisit the past because a handful of Polaroids were spread out on the table, next to them a thick stack of photos. Star sat in front of these, Nathaniel looking over her shoulder until she scooted aside and patted one of the wooden chairs. Nathaniel took a seat, eyes not leaving the images. Most of them were of Victor and her.

“This was from our European trip,” she said, tapping a photo of Victor sitting on the banks of a river, an open bottle of wine next to him. “Paris. He liked it there, but not nearly as much as he liked Dublin.”

“Where was I?” Nathaniel asked. “Had I already been born?”

His mother nodded. “Your grandparents did a lot of babysitting back then. Mostly because I was still naïve enough to think—”

“Wait,” Nathaniel said with a huff. “You were gallivanting around Europe with this guy and just left Granny and Gramps to raise me?” He snatched one of the photos. In it his mother stood with one hand on her hip, the other pointing a long baguette at the camera like it was a sword. She looked so young. “How old were you?”

“Fifteen.”

He scrunched up his face. “And they let you go to Paris?”

“No. I was fifteen when I got pregnant. With you.”

Nathaniel’s anger ebbed. He felt… weird. Like he’d been a burden his entire life, an unhappy occurrence. An unwanted baby. He just never knew it before.

“I love you,” his mother said, searching his face. “I wanted you! I never once thought about giving you up. I never considered… There was no alternative in my mind. The second I found out I was pregnant, I knew I would keep you. It wasn’t easy at times, but I have no regrets.”

“Then how come I’m not with you?” Nathaniel said, gesturing to the photos. He reached for the stack and started flipping through. Most were of Victor, his hair grown out and messy before a trim and gel returned definition to the mohawk. He only smiled in a handful of the pictures, his nose lightly sunburned. Others were of them together, Victor with an arm around his mother’s neck as he threw a peace sign. But they remained a lonely duet. Nathaniel looked up and swallowed. “You wanted me. He didn’t.”

Star shook her head. “That’s not true.”

“Then why hasn’t he been around? How come he never calls or sends a stupid Christmas present to make up for being such a shitty father?”

“Nate,” his mother said, pleading with him.

“Tell me!”

“He didn’t know.”

Nathaniel stared. “What?”

“I was fifteen. He was thirteen.” Star licked her lips nervously, then hurried to explain. “You have to understand, Victor wasn’t like other people. He wasn’t like anyone I had ever met before. Or since. He was an old soul, or seemed mature back then, because I thought he was my age when we first met. Victor was running with his cousin at the time. That’s who introduced us. We used to be friends, I guess. We were so wild. Victor too, but he was thoughtful. Always thinking, always talking. Pretty soon he was all I cared about.”

“Why didn’t you tell him?” Nathaniel said, his throat tight.

“He was thirteen.” Star exhaled. “Victor got into trouble for stealing a gun. Not a real one. Just an air pistol, but it was enough to scare his mother into taking action. She sent him to a military academy, and I found out shortly thereafter that you were on the way.”

“He wasn’t allowed to get mail?” Nathaniel said. “You couldn’t write him a letter?”

“Victor had a lot of complicated philosophies.”

“Meaning?”

Star hesitated. “He wasn’t fond of the idea of relationships. Or commitment.”

Nathaniel crossed his arms over his chest. “He sounds ridiculous.”

“He wasn’t.” Star sighed wearily. “Or maybe he was. I thought I could change him, that I could slowly win him over and make him mine.” She shook her head. “I was so stupid. So young and stupid.”

Nathaniel studied her, clamping down on the sympathy that her sad expression summoned in him. Instead he focused on reading between the lines. “You didn’t tell him about me because you thought it would scare him off.”

“It would have terrified him,” Star said. “I know, because I was freaking out myself. As much as I wanted you, I worried I wouldn’t be a good mother, that I wasn’t ready, and that I wouldn’t be able to take care of you. What help would a thirteen-year-old boy be? So I turned to my parents, and we made a plan. I went to stay with my aunt in Kansas City and— Jesus, I know how old-fashioned this sounds, but it wasn’t like that. I needed my privacy, needed to get away from the prying eyes in that awful small town. So I had you, and when I returned to Warrensburg, I didn’t feel the need to tell anyone where I had been. Or why.”

“They must have seen.”

“It’s not like I took you to school with me.” Star chewed her bottom lip. “I’m not proud of this, but when in public, we pretended you were my little brother.”

Nathaniel’s stomach turned. “Is that what you told him?”

“Yes. He was surprised, but your grandma was a lot younger then. It wasn’t impossible, but we made sure to call you Nate.”

“How come?”

Star’s smile was sad. “Victor Nathaniel Hemingway.”

Nathaniel felt raw inside. “You named me after him?”

“Yes.”

“And he never noticed?”

“I don’t think he ever knew your full name. At the time he was… distracted. Whatever happened to him in the military academy nearly broke him. It took a while before he found himself again, and when he did, he was even more aloof than before.”

“Poor guy,” Nathaniel said without sympathy. Then he reminded himself that he wasn’t angry at Victor. How could he have been a good father when he was never given a chance? “Did he ever meet me?”

“Of course!” His mother reached for the photos he had been sifting through, finding one and handing it to him. Nathaniel was very small, just finding his feet, which is probably why his smiling mother held one of his hands. Victor held the other. In the photo, Nathaniel was looking up at him and wearing a slightly puzzled expression, as if he wasn’t sure who this person was. Or why he seemed so familiar. As for Victor, his head was turned away from both of them, looking at something off camera.

“Is this the only one?” Nathaniel asked, swallowing against the lump in his throat.

“The only photo of you together?” Star asked. Then she nodded. “I think so.”

“I want it.”

“Okay.”

“I also want his phone number and his address. You chose not to tell him about me back then, but now it’s my decision. He needs to know that he’s my father.”

Star appeared strained. “Heath is your father.”

“He’s nothing to me!” Nathaniel snapped. “Him or his stupid son! I can almost forgive the decisions you made, but I can’t forgive them.” He thumped one of the photos of Victor. “I don’t care what his issues are. I’d rather you stayed with him!”

“I was trying to give you a family. I wanted you to grow up with a father, but with Victor that wasn’t possible. Heath wanted a family.”

“Dwight knows all of this, doesn’t he? That’s why he hates me.”

“He doesn’t hate you. And no, aside from a few confusing memories, he has no idea. His mother was an addict. That’s how she and Heath met. They were together a few years, but she always struggled with drugs. Eventually, she chose them over her own child. Heath wanted his son to have a mother just as much as I wanted a father for you. I know it must sound cruel or manipulative, but you were both young enough that we felt it wasn’t too late. We were trying to do the right thing.”

“Well you failed. I’d rather have been raised by Granny and Gramps than live the life you gave me.” His mother appeared hurt and more than a little ashamed, which made him feel bad. His tone was more gentle when he continued. “You should have left him the first time he hit you.”

Star looked away. “I thought about it. I really did. But I didn’t want to abandon Dwight. He was just a little boy. Besides, if I have one weakness, it’s thinking I can change the men I love.”

Nathaniel put a hand on her shoulder. “It’s not too late. You don’t have to stay with him. We’ll get a place of our own. I’ll get a full-time job. College can wait, or I’ll do night classes. All that matters is us being together. And you being safe.”

His mother took a deep, shuddering breath and dabbed at the corners of her eyes. “You’re the only thing I ever did right. You know that?” Then she composed herself. “I made my choices. Now I have to live with them. I won’t screw up your life more than I already have.”

“Fuck college,” Nathaniel said. “Fuck everything else. You’re all that matters to me.”

“That’s not true,” his mother said. “I don’t want it to be. I’ll leave when I’m ready to leave. I’m stronger than you think.”

Nathaniel considered it all from a distance, how scary it must feel to get pregnant at fifteen; how even at his age, he wouldn’t be ready or capable of dealing with something like that. “I know you’re strong,” he said. “That’s what makes it so hard to understand.”

“Love rarely makes sense,” his mother said. “You’ll discover that for yourself.”

He frowned and considered the photos, moving them around as if trying to solve a puzzle. “I want to see him,” he said. “Maybe I won’t tell him who I am. But I at least want to meet him face to face.”

“I’m sorry,” his mother said. “I really am.”

He didn’t understand what this meant until he saw the tears spill down her cheeks. Getting out the next two words made his throat ache. “What happened?”

“He’s gone,” Star said, shaking her head as if even she didn’t want to believe it. “Victor died a long time ago.”

* * * * *

“Suicide.” The word felt acidic on his tongue, as if it would burn through his mouth, leaving him unable to speak again.

Caesar was wide-eyed, his expression uncertain as he stood up from his bed. Nathaniel could hardly blame him, since he too found all of this difficult to comprehend. He hadn’t told Caesar everything. Just that Victor had taken his own life. The story was easier that way. Cleaner. The reason his real father wasn’t around was because he was dead. He didn’t need to know all the details about Heath. Nathaniel didn’t want to focus on those. All he could think about was a man he had never met and never would. He didn’t feel justified in mourning his passing. And yet he did.

“Why?” Caesar managed.

“Nobody knows. She thinks he had some sort of mental illness.” He said this unwillingly, as if the words increased the possibility that he might suffer from the same problem. Then again, even the darkest moments of his life didn’t stir such thoughts.

“Come here,” Caesar said, offering his hand.

Nathaniel hesitated. A hug, or even a kiss, wouldn’t make this better. He stepped forward anyway, certain this was a bad idea when Caesar reached for the hem of his shirt. “Now’s not the time.”

“I know,” Caesar said. “I just want to feel close to you.” He lifted Nathaniel’s shirt tentatively, pulling it off completely when he didn’t meet resistance. Then he did the same with his own, reaching next for the button of his shorts. Nathaniel didn’t look, wasn’t aroused as Caesar stripped down to his underwear. Instead he locked eyes with him, astounded that Caesar’s were watery with sympathy. Nathaniel felt the need to cry but was unwilling. He removed his jeans. Caesar extended his hand again, and this time Nathaniel took it and was led around the bed. Caesar climbed in first, remaining on his knees so he could pull Nathaniel in after him.