Something Like Thunder (56 page)

But what could he say to make amends? How could he explain his actions, the lifetime of events that had led to one monumental mistake? He could try. One last time. Tell Kelly the truth. About everything. When he heard the elevator motor whir, bringing someone to the top floor, Nathaniel braced himself to do just that.

Chapter Twenty-one

“That’s everything,” Nathaniel said. “My whole stupid story.” His mouth was dry, so he drained the last of the wine directly from the bottle. He considered the sunlight pouring through the window, then looked at Kelly, who was watching him patiently. “I fucked up three years ago. I made one of the worst decisions of my life, and while I don’t think I can ever atone for my sins, please know that I’ve been suffering. I’ve been in a hell of my own creation. I probably deserve to spend the rest of my life there. But if there’s any chance that you can forgive me…”

Kelly covered his eyes with one hand, rubbing them wearily. Then he took a deep breath and got to his feet. “I’m sorry,” he said, shaking his head.

Nathaniel felt dizzy. “What do you mean? What are you sorry for?”

“I don’t know,” Kelly said. “For wasting your time, even though neither of us chose to be here. I should have stopped you sooner because I knew it wouldn’t be enough.”

“Not enough?”

“Not enough,” Kelly repeated, his cool demeanor breaking. “You were right about Cancún, when you realized we were both damaged. We weren’t made for each other, but we were broken in the same way, which is close enough. You were cheated on. You were betrayed. So was I! I’m sorry that your brother is a despicable person, but that abuse made you a survivor. That’s something else we have in common. I lost my leg and with it my sense of security and a lot of my self-esteem. Our losses might not be the same, but you know what I would never do? I would never
ever
sit here and tell you that William is the reason we couldn’t be together or that losing my leg somehow justified me turning my back on you. I never would have pushed you away, Nathaniel. Never. No matter the reason. But you… You threw me out of your life!”

“I’m sorry.”

“So am I, and I wish I’d known your story back then because I’ve had three years to imagine what could possess you to do such a thing. I kept putting myself in your shoes. What nightmare would I have to go through to make me turn away from the greatest love of my life? I kept trying to find a single reason and kept coming up empty because none of them were good enough. I couldn’t find any justification. Now I know that you couldn’t either. You didn’t want to get hurt, you didn’t want to hurt me, but you ended up doing both. Cheating on me would have hurt less because I would have gotten over it. I could have villainized you and made you one more challenge to overcome. Instead I spent the last three years doubting myself and wondering what I did wrong.”

“Kelly.” Nathaniel stood and took his hands, holding on when he tried to pull away. “You’re hurting right now. I know how that feels. I’m hurting too, and I want it to fucking stop. I can’t take it any more. So please, how can we fix this?”

“We can’t,” Kelly said. “Even if I forgave you, the hurt wouldn’t disappear. Not completely. Tim was right. That’s the shadow cast by every light. You can’t love without the hurt, and I don’t see the part of your story where you figured that out and learned to accept it.”

“What do you think I’ve been doing these past three years?” Nathaniel demanded. “I’ve been living with the pain! If I can survive it on my own, I’m pretty damn sure it’ll be more bearable with you in my life again.”

Kelly looked tempted, but shook his head. “I never would have left you.”

“You
did
leave me! Don’t pretend your love is perfect, because you could have come back. You could have kept fighting. Instead you gave up on me and left.”

“All I was doing is what you asked!” Kelly pulled his hands free. “But maybe you’re right. You knew where to find me but never did anything about it. I knew where to find you too, but we both stayed away. Maybe there’s a reason for that. Seeing each other here tonight, all these feelings we have, maybe it’s just nostalgia.”

“It’s not,” Nathaniel said.

“Then why did we wait so long?” Kelly grabbed the wrapped box from the table, then walked to the elevator. He turned around to address the room, but he was no longer speaking to Nathaniel. “You can either open the doors, or I’m taking the fire escape. One way or another, I’m leaving. Right now.”

A moment later, the elevator doors opened. Kelly stepped inside but prevented them from closing again. His lip was trembling as he considered Nathaniel. “I will always love you,” he said. “I’m sorry that I failed you too.”

Then he let go, the doors sliding shut. Nathaniel moaned, slumped onto the couch, and covered his face with his hands. When he pulled them away again they were wet. He ignored the phone ringing on Marcello’s desk, knowing who it would be and not wanting to hear comforting words. Not from him. He only wanted to talk to one person. She would be up by now. Nathaniel stood, leaving the framed photo behind. The elevator came when summoned. He left the building, finding the parking lot empty except for his car.

Nathaniel drove home, but when he got there, he went to the apartment across from his own and knocked on the door. A sleepy-looking kid with brownish-blond hair opened it and hugged Nathaniel’s legs automatically before tromping back toward the television, where Zero was helping himself to an unguarded bowl of cereal. Nathaniel shook his head and went to the kitchen. Sheila gasped in surprise. “I didn’t hear you come in!”

“Arthur let me in. Might want to talk to him about answering the door without checking to see who’s on the other side. Just in case. Oh, and he’ll need another bowl of cereal.”

“Zero?”

“Yeah. Thanks for taking care of him. I’m glad you got my text.”

“No problem. Arthur was thrilled to share his bed with a dog. He pretended to be one too. Coffee?”

“Okay.” Nathaniel sat at the kitchen table.

Sheila poured two cups and joined him. “How did it go?” She winced at his expression. “That bad?”

“I deserve worse.”

“None of that self-pity crap.” Sheila reached across the table to slap his hand. “We’ve talked about this. Try again. How did it go?”

Nathaniel met her eye. “I opened up to him, told him my life story. I figured the truth was the only way Kelly might forgive me, but it wasn’t enough.”

“Did you tell him about me and Arthur? What you did for us?”

Nathaniel rolled his eyes. “I didn’t want to use that as leverage.”

“You relocated us to Austin and supported us until Arthur went to kindergarten, just so I could keep an eye on him. Michelle said she had never seen anything like it. That’s not leverage. That’s showing him that you’re a good man.”

“Kelly knows who I am,” Nathaniel said. “He’s angry that I didn’t try to find him sooner and disappointed that he didn’t try either. We gave up on each other.”

Sheila took a sip of her coffee. “Is that true? Have you given up?”

“What am I going to do?” Nathaniel said. “I offered myself to him. Everything I’ve got. It wasn’t enough.”

“You gave him words,” Sheila said. “And I have no doubt that they were heartfelt, but sometimes it takes more. You helped me rebuild my life. You rebuilt yours when you left Yale, and Kelly did the same when he decided to leave Austin. Consider that. Then ask yourself if I would ever take Dwight back.”

“You’re too smart for that.”

“And you were too smart to take Caesar back. Why is that?”

“Because there’s no way I was going to repeat the same mistakes,” Nathaniel said. “Otherwise, everything I’ve done since then would become meaningless.” He blinked a few times. Then he groaned. “That’s how Kelly feels, isn’t it?”

“Probably.”

“Then it’s hopeless.”

“It’s only hopeless if you give up.” Sheila sighed. “I’m going to hate myself for saying this, because I really want to be selfish and keep you with me forever, but you can’t win Kelly over by staying here. Austin is his past now, and so are you for the time being. That needs to change. If you want to win Kelly again, you need to become a part of his new life.”

“He lives in New York,” Nathaniel said.

“That’s fine. Arthur and I are okay now. We really are.”

“Caesar tried to become part of my new life. Look how that turned out.”

“He got you drunk every night and strolled into the living room naked one morning. I don’t know how you can win back Kelly, but I’m pretty sure you can do better than that. If you don’t try, you’ll never forgive yourself. Hell, if you don’t get your butt up to New York,
I’ll
never forgive you.”

“Me neither,” Arthur said, padding into the room with a cereal bowl that had been licked clean. He couldn’t know what they were talking about, but Nathaniel felt outnumbered anyway.

“New York,” he said with an exhausted sigh.

He pictured endless skyscrapers and sidewalks overburdened with anonymous pedestrians. Then he remembered Kelly in the elevator, his lip trembling with emotion, and knew he would travel to the depths of Hell to prevent that from being their last memory of each other.

* * * * *

Layne arrived at Mozart’s Coffee wearing huge sunglasses and a shawl concealing most of his head. He glanced around dramatically at the café’s raw brick walls and wooden tables, then back at the door he had just walked through, assessing his chances of having been followed. Did he look ridiculous? Yes. And yet, his oddly vintage style made Nathaniel want to rush home and put on a classic spy movie. Something with a glamorous leading lady and a car chase—a convertible racing along the rocky coasts of northern California.

Nathaniel raised a hand to attract attention. Layne approached the table, unwrapping the shawl and removing his shades. He glanced around once more before saying, in hushed conspiring tones, “I need to borrow ten dollars.”

Nathaniel sighed and pulled out his wallet.

Layne must have noticed all the bills there because he added, “Better make it twenty. The red velvet cake makes me weak at the knees.”

“Here’s fifty,” Nathaniel said. “Hurry up.”

“Can we sit outside? I love the lake view.”

Nathaniel gritted his teeth, picked up his coffee, and stood. “I’ll find us a seat.”

A long wooden deck extended over the edge of Lake Austin, offering an impressive view. Nathaniel secured them a table next to the rail, tense with impatience by the time Layne showed up with a chai latte, a slice of cake, and a smile.

“Don’t you just adore this place?”

“It’s great,” Nathaniel responded. “Care to explain why you dragged me out here instead of sending me what I need via email?”

Layne made a face, sat down, and arranged his items on the table until satisfied. Then he assessed Nathaniel critically and nodded. “It’s been a long time,” he said. “Years! For all I know, you could have become some crazy junkie with Charles Manson’s tattoo on your forehead. You look okay though. I wouldn’t kick you out of bed for eating cookies. Hell, I’d leave a trail of Oreos leading right to my pillow, ha ha! Do you like Oreos?”

Nathaniel merely glared.

“I guess not.” Layne took a sip of his tea, cutely scrunching up his nose when wiping the foam off his upper lip. Then he pulled a piece of folded paper from his pocket and held it up. “Why do you want Kelly’s address? What are you going to do with it?”

“I don’t know,” Nathaniel said. “I’m moving to New York. It’s not like I’m going to run into him by chance, so I thought… I don’t know.”

“You’re just going to sit outside his apartment and hope to be noticed?” Layne sighed wistfully. “I wish I had a stalker. Still, unless you’re going to serenade him from the street, you can’t just loiter there. It’s creepy.”

“I’d rather bump into him at his favorite haunts. I don’t know where those are, but I’m sure anyone who had visited him recently—and had their ticket paid for by a third party—would have more information than I do.”

“We need to talk about those flights,” Layne said. “Economy won’t do anymore. I need an upgrade.”

“You’ll need an ambulance if you don’t start cooperating.”

“Fine.” Layne unfolded the paper, which had a printed address on it. He added a few more names and locations, consulting his phone a few times. When he was done, he pushed the paper across the table. “There you go, although you probably won’t find him at any of those places. He’s been struggling lately.”

Nathaniel took the paper, barely glancing at it. “What do you mean?”

“He’s broke. Finally blew through all that modeling money. He’s been trying to sell his photos but isn’t having much luck. Did you see his gallery opening last week? That was his first big break, so maybe he’s doing better. All I know is he got totally emo while texting me about how fierce competition is up there.” Layne grabbed his phone, thumb swiping the screen over and over again as he scrolled through his history. Then he read aloud. “Everyone’s an artist in New York. Everyone except me.”

Nathaniel’s brow furrowed. “He sold some stuff recently. That should help. Right?”

“If not, are you going to rescue him? Maybe go buy all of his photos without him knowing? God, that would be romantic.”

Nathaniel shook his head. “Kelly wouldn’t like that.” He glanced out over the lake, the water reflecting the orange light of the setting sun. “Then again, I’m not sure what he likes anymore.”

* * * * *