Something To Dream On (12 page)

Maybe I can ease into it by giving her the end of the story, then fill her in some other time on the terrible person I was that got me there. “That’s the date I gave it up. I was tired of feeling like garbage all the time. Since then, I’ve been pretty cautious about what has gone into my body. If I see a daily reminder of how long it has been, I’ve less desire to ruin it by going back to my old habits.”

“You don’t drink at all?”

I need to tread lightly regarding the meaning of those relics. At first I thought I only had to quit drugs and hard alcohol, but on my first day of “sobriety” I had gone through nearly an entire case of beer when I decided it wasn’t strong enough and almost made a call. Clearly everything had to stop. “Yep, not since the date on those bottles. I plan to let them stay in there until I die.” The strength of that statement may have made it sound like I had a problem. Dammit. I did, but I don’t want to freak her out.

“Not even a drop?”

“I’m just not all that interested in it now. The last time I even considered it was on Granddad’s birthday. He was such a Cognac lover that I thought of toasting his memory.” But that was paving a fool’s path. “It seemed shallow, so instead I went to a spot I frequent and planted a tree in his honor. Every now and then I hang out there and think of him.” There, a simple truth. We need to let this go now. I grab a piece of lettuce out of the bowl and feed it to her. “Enough dressing?”

She winks at me. “Not if you want to forget you are grazing like a rabbit, but it will do.”

As much as it is a relief to hear the man in my life doesn’t even touch beer anymore, there is something really odd about the situation. Something big must have prompted his lifestyle change. Who makes a display out of when he changed his eating if it wasn’t for a life-altering reason? It’s another puzzle piece in the picture that is my boyfriend, and it’s one that makes me feel like my skin is too tight.

Life altering … Like a Tower of destruction?

These random thoughts are disturbing.

I grab the chicken breasts from the oven and we plop ourselves on the floor in front of the coffee table to watch the hockey game. I long to dive into the food that looks so fantastic, yet I can’t resist pausing to enter harassment mode. “You’ve ruined me forever.” Jensen snickers. Without looking away from the game, he sees that I’m building up to something. “I can’t even look at Burger Hut anymore. Truthfully, I walked there a few days after our date at Bert’s. One bite of those processed fries after having just been reminded of how real potatoes taste almost made me gag.”

“Good. The chemicals there will pickle you.”

“Then again, having a salad with so much stuff that it is like eating a pizza is kind of crazy when actual pizza exists. Croutons, cheese, meat, olives—you’ve just disguised the ingredients under the lie of dressing instead of tomato sauce and crammed in a bunch of lettuce. You’re a strange man with food rebellion issues.”

He sucks his lips together. They complement his scrunching brow. I wait …

And wait …

He’s got nothing, which is ridiculous because there’s not nearly enough stuff on here to make this anything like eating a pizza.

His attention goes back to the game. While he’s wrapped up in the action on the ice, I put a cluster of my croutons onto my napkin, place tomato chunks on them, and then top it with cheese before slipping it in front of him. He raises an eyebrow to it. The best I get out of him is a slip of a smile, and then a kiss. “Cute.” His eyes go back to the game.

He’s letting me get away with that? It wasn’t hysterical, but normally it would get a stronger reaction. “That’s it. Next week I am making my infamous Chocolate Cherry Salad.”

Nothing.

“It’s a real thing.”

Jensen fails to react. I don’t even get a blink. I did say that out loud, right?

“Hey.” I touch his arm. “You okay?”

His eyes go to my hand. “Yeah, I’m sorry. It’s been a long day, and I had to deal with a lot of stuff.”

A lump forms in my throat. He may not be lying, but I am pretty sure that he is hiding something. I fear pressing further, because it might be that he wants to breakup and doesn’t know how to tell me. I should change the subject. We can talk about the—

No. If something is really wrong, I want to be here for him. “Anything you want to talk about? You can tell me anything. I promise.”

Though his expression remains constant, my gut tells me he is running a gamut of emotions. Finally he puts down his fork and turns toward me. His eyes search into mine as he caresses my cheek, stalling out my heart. “It’s fine, honey. I promise.” He kisses me, and while his gentle touch conveys adoration, my comfort dissipates as he wraps his arms around me and the hug turns tight. I feel it might be one of desperation.

Something is not right here. It’s so easy to surrender to him like this—to dare let myself think our relationship is one that can last. My gut tells me it’s true, but the ugly voice of doubt chips away at the fulfillment I feel when I am with him. How do you continue to put your heart on the line when it tells you the situation is magic, yet your mind senses a red flag waving in the distance?

The kiss ends. Another quick one, along with a smile, follows it. A moment later we are back to watching the game, and Jensen returns to being the man I’ve dated for a month. Still, I can’t shake what I know in my heart.

Whatever is on his mind does not bode well for us.

CHAPTER SIX

Thursday, May 18

Why have my calls for Rufus’s mom to pick up his ashes gone unanswered? Not only was it horrible of her to dump him here to be euthanized, but now she has fully abandoned him. For months, my friend has sat in a walnut box on my desk. Can she not see that he was worthy of love? Maybe she’s had a hard life filled with so much suffering that she had to turn away. I have to have faith in humanity and believe that there is a reason. Still, Rufus deserved better.

Griffin walks past my desk on his way to a file cabinet. He backsteps and stops, looking down at me looking at Rufus. The warmth of his hand on my shoulder is comforting. “I know. I have sympathy for him too.”

“Today it is more like empathy.”

Griffin and I know each other so well that I can see his pressed lips and downcast gaze in my mind, even though my sight remains on Rufus. “You finally ready to talk about it,” he says, “or are you gonna tell me you are fine again? We both know you are not.”

I close my eyes, not wanting to look at Rufus while wallowing over only having a taste of how he felt. “The distance in Jensen’s voice last night has me concerned that he is discovering I may not be what he wants.”

“Yeah, I figured His Studness had something to do with it.” Griffin pulls up a chair and takes a seat next to me. His leaning in with clasped hands is his way of signaling that he is here to share the load. Frankly, I’m not sure how he can help, because the emotions flowing through me …

Well, I just can’t seem to grip them.

“This is lame. Sure, Jensen was a little distant, but is that really a red flag, or am I stupidly insecure that I’ll be abandoned like Rufus?”

“Has Jensen given you any indication that he doesn’t want you?”

“No, and maybe that is the problem. I can tell something is wrong. God, am I being a total idiot? I really have nothing to go on other than my gut.”

He takes my hands, and I can tell what’s coming. Griffin knows that when I get confused, a little direction goes a long way. “Lizetta, have you considered that maybe you have nothing to do with whatever is wrong? It’s a new relationship. He may not be ready to open up. Generally, when it comes to the needs of others, you are selfless, but that is not how you are acting now. You are assuming the problem is your fault instead of accepting that the best way to help Jensen might be to give him space and be there when he is ready. It’s just like how I asked you this morning if you were okay, and you told me yes because you weren’t ready to talk. Why is he different? Because your heart is on the line?”

He’s got me. “Yeah, that’s exactly why.”

His grip tightens, lending me strength. “There is more though. Why do your eyes keep floating to Rufus?”

I didn’t realize they were, but he is right. My eyes are dead on him right now, and I can’t get the smile on his face when we played fetch out of my mind. It’s like he is sending me a message from beyond that I can’t get. “Rufus was such an amazing dog. The way he faced his final day with courage and grace was admirable. He allowed himself to see the beauty in his last moments and drank it up.”

Griffin moves his face closer to mine, commanding my attention. “You need to ask yourself why you can’t see the beauty in your life like Rufus did. For years, you have allowed others to make you blind.”

I release one hand from Griffin’s to pick up Rufus’s box. Though my eyes are locked on it, all I see is the happiness that radiated when he was free to run again. “You are right. Rufus knew on his dying day that he was no longer the graceful pup he once was; yet he didn’t let that stop him from enjoying the moments that he had. When I took him off that leash—”

Griffin puts his hand on mine, halting my thoughts with his tone of assurance. His love for me makes my eyes well up. “Lest you forget, he had those moments because you gave them to him. You put your job on the line so he could be happy again. Now, would you trade that for anything?”

“Of course not,” I choke out.

“Apple Butter, you are too wrapped up in what others have said. You deserve to see yourself as I see you.”

I can’t argue. “You are right. Absolutely right.”

“Now, what are you going to do about it? And I don’t mean about Jensen. I mean about taking care of you for once.”

I look straight to Rufus’s ashes. Although the words hitch in my throat, they come out with determination. “Rufus, you are coming home with me, because I love you for everything that you were and the joy you brought into the world. You deserve a real home and we deserve respect, both from ourselves and from others.”

Griffin gives my hand a rattle of encouragement. “That’s a start. Now get to the meat of it.”

“There is beauty in me, and from now on, even if I don’t see it, I won’t doubt that it exists. It’s just healthier that way.”

“Amen, sister! Just remember, even if Jensen is a fool and bails out—”

“Don’t worry, Griffin. I promise that this lesson will stay with me. You know, since Jensen has entered my life I have faced two things: I’m an unhealthy eater, and I have a golden heart. The first thing I am changing; the second I wouldn’t dream of letting go—with or without him.”

Griffin pulls me in to a tight embrace. “Now
that
is my Bestie Boo.”