Sometimes Never (38 page)

One for every kiss.

              One for every time I told him I loved him.

             
Five for every time he told me.

             
“I have to go. Watch Dylan.” I don’t wait for her to reply. I’m out the door before I can think about what I’m doing.

             
I vaguely remember putting the car in park, but I have no recollection of the ten minute drive over to Mason’s. I stare at the door, summoning the strength to knock. But I know once I do, he’ll confirm he’s leaving.

             
Why didn’t he tell me? I knew something wasn’t right. I knew it and there is no consolation in being right this time.

             
I finally rap my knuckles against the peeling wood. I do it hard enough to feel a burn and scold myself for it.

             
There are certain things people remember better than others. Something that impacts them deep enough to ingrain itself into their memory forever. The look on Mason’s face when he opens the door is something I will never be able to forget as long as I live, no matter how long I try. It’s this mix of sadness, indecision, anger, shock, and guilt.

             
It’s all the confirmation I need. I take a startled step back and force myself to look past him. To see the piled boxes. The empty shelves built into the living room walls. I take another step back. Then another. I think I’m shaking my head because I don’t want to hear him say it. I can’t hear him tell me he’s leaving me just like I always knew he would.

             
I stumble to Neko and throw the door open. My head is dizzy and I can’t get a decent breath. This is where Mason usually comes in. He helps calm me. But he can’t this time.

             
Those days are done.

             
Oh shit.

Those days are done. Gone.

Mason blocks the door before I can close it. The sun reflects off the side mirror, momentarily blinding me. And all I can think is:
how is the sun shining when my heart is breaking?

“Wait. Hope, wait.”

“No,” I whisper. “I have to go.”

“Please.” He grabs my arm and I can’t stand him touching me, but I want to melt into his hold at the same time. I am two people at war with each other. I want him so much, but I want to hurt him. I want him to feel the pain I’m feeling.

This. Is. Why.

The people you love most are the ones who hol
d the power to hurt you so completely.

This is why I told myself every day that I hated my mom. This is why I tried to stay away from relationships. This. Right now. I don’t want to feel this.

I yank my arm away from him and pull on the door.
I need to go. I just need to go
.

“Let me explain.”

“Explain what? That you lied to me? That you’ve been avoiding me? That you’re leaving and you had no intentions of telling me?”

“I was going to tell you about this. I just had to be sure first.” His eyes are pleading with me, crumbling what is left of my heart.

“Let. Go. Of. My. Door.” My voice is cold, emotionless, and he hears it. He drops to his knees in between me and the open door.

“I love you, Hope. I want us to work. I need us to work.”

“Move now or I will make you move.”

Mason lowers his head, shaking it quickly. “You need to listen to me.”

I slap him. I cannot believe I slap him and from the shocked, hurt in his eyes, he can’t either. A red outline of my hand glows across his cheek and he stands up, moving away from Neko.

“You know where I am when you’re ready to listen.”

“For now. Who knows where you’ll be tomorrow,” I murmur as I pull the door closed. He locks his fingers on top of his head, watching me as I drive away.

43

Mason

              I’m not certain how long I stand in the driveway waiting for Hope to come back, but it’s starting to get dark before I figure out that she isn’t going to. She wouldn’t listen. She wouldn’t give me the chance to explain.

             
I should have made her listen. I should have told her yesterday.

             
I stare down at the ground with my hands on my hips. Doesn’t she understand this has been the hardest decision I have ever had to make in my life?

             
I’m not going to let her end it just because she feels abandoned and betrayed. Everything I’ve worked out has been for us. To make sure I don’t lose her.

             
I can’t leave until she understands.

44

Hope

Annie breezes into the room like she doesn’t have a care in the world. I look up from my pillow and watch her flip through the hangers in the closet. I kind of hate her right now. She thinks my life is so easy. Yeah. It’s great.

             
She turns around and meets my gaze. “What?”

             
I blink slowly and bury my face back into the comfort of my pillow. It smells like Mason and I’m not too proud to admit that I’m trying to soak up every bit of his scent.

             
“I’m sorry, Hope. I don’t know how many times I have to say it. I’m sorry I told people about your mom. I’m sorry I said Guy’s accident was your fault. I mean, it was an accident. Right? It just happened.” I hear her feet brushing against the carpet as she moves closer. The bed dips as she perches beside me. “I was scared. I said things I didn’t mean. And that stuff I said about you… When you first came to live with us, it was weird. Mom just married Alec. I had three step siblings and another dad. Things had already changed so much and then you were there. I had to share my room and everyone was tiptoeing around you like you were this fragile little thing. But I could see you were stronger than they were giving you credit for. I could barely breathe in this new life, but you came here like it was just any other day to you. I hated you for that. I was so jealous.”

             
I roll over so I can see her. I don’t know what to think yet. That was a horrible time. What she just said, about not being able to breathe in her new life, that was exactly how I felt. It’s how I feel all the time. She could be describing me.

             
“You know, Annie, we’re not so different.”

             
She cocks a perfectly plucked brow. “We couldn’t be more different if we tried.”

             
I sit up and look at her. Really look at her. “What did Christian do to you?”

             
Annie diverts her eyes. Her hands open and close several times in her lap. “It’s not like you think,” she says finally. “I wanted to. He asked and I was more than willing. I’ve liked him forever and I thought he liked me.” She pauses and rests her eyes on me. “He didn’t rape me. We had sex in the back of his car. I thought we were together. Ya know? I thought he was my boyfriend.

             
“Did you know he has a girlfriend?” She goes on before I can answer. “Because I didn’t. She’s away at college. I don’t know what I was thinking. Like what? He would be mine because I gave him my virginity? God, he made it crystal clear I was nothing more than a “
pump”
. I didn’t even know what it meant. He had to explain it to me.”

             
I don’t know what to say. I’m partially pissed that she let me think he raped her. Part of me feels bad her.

             
“I was so embarrassed and hurt. He used me, but then it occurred to me that I used me too. I had sex to get a guy to like me. It’s so stupid now that I look back on it.” She straightens up and shakes off the memory. “Anyway, that’s what happened.”

             
“He still deserved the nut kicking,” I say.

             
She smiles and nods. “Yes. He did.” She sobers suddenly. “I know I can’t take back what I did, all those things I said, but I’m sorry. We’ve never been all that close…and now we’re miles apart, but I hope you can forgive me because I think of you as a sister.”

             
With a sigh I pull my knees to my chest. “I’m sorry too. I’ve said some shitty things to you. But I’m still pissed.”

             
She acknowledges that with a jerky nod. “We’ll work on it.”

~***~

              “I thought you forgot about me,” Guy says when I push his door open. I dump the bag of goodies I got him on his bed and drop into the chair.

             
“Never.”

             
“What’s all this?” He pokes through the pile of books, magazines, candy (because it’s me), a notepad, and pens. “Are you moving in?”

             
“No. It’s provisions.”

             
“Staying awhile?”

             
“Yep.”

             
Guy tilts his head, studying me. “What’s going on?”

             
“Nothing is going on. I miss you. I want to visit you.”

             
“You’re missing your better half,” he says and I can almost see the little light bulb flip on above his head. He narrows his eyes. “Where’s Mason?”

             
I shrug and pick imaginary lint off my shirt until I can actually look at him without crying like a baby. I haven’t allowed myself to cry over this yet, and I don’t want to start now.

             
“Park came by earlier,” Guy says and I’m grateful for the subject change. “He didn’t wanna come when Dad would be here. He’s afraid to see him.”

             
“I would be too. What’d he have to say?”

             
“Not much. He apologized, which I told him he didn’t have to do. I knew what I was doing. We were both stupid. Now we move on with a little bit of wisdom.”

             
I snort. “You’re a miracle worker now?”

             
“Ha. Ha. Ha.”

             
“Everybody was asking about you today. And most of them seemed legitimately concerned. It was really annoying. This girl actually asked me to tell you to get better soon. While I was peeing.”

             
Guy laughs. “Who?”

             
“I don’t know. I got outta there as soon as I could. It was awkward enough without me getting her name.”

             
“At least you didn’t hit her with a book,” he says smirking.

             
I cringe. “You heard about that?”

             
“Chase,” we say at the same time.

             
“He’s such an old church lady gossiper,” I mumble.

             
“Thanks for defending my honor.”

             
I grin at him. “Anytime, sweetheart.”

             
“All right. You’ve avoided it long enough. You need to start talking. Where is Mason? Why isn’t he glued to your hip like usual? And why do you look like a kitten that’s lost her ball of yarn?”

             
I take a deep breath, staring at the white sheet covering his legs. “Mason is at his house, I think. Packing. Because he is moving. Back to Illinois. With his mom and brother.” Saying it out loud like this makes it all sink in. Mason’s leaving and I will probably never see him again.

             
“Why? What happened?”

             
“I don’t know. He didn’t love me enough, I guess.”

             
“You didn’t talk to him?” He rolls his eyes. “Of course you didn’t. You can be fruitier than me sometimes, honey.”

             
“I don’t even know what you mean by that.”

             
“Bitch, you know exactly what I mean. You didn’t bother to find out why he’s going. You just freaked out. And probably haven’t talked to him since.”

             
“Guy, he told me he wanted to go home. The look on his face when he talked about Illinois… He loves it there. It’s where he grew up. Where all his memories of his dad are. That’s why he’s going back. And even though it hurts, I want him to be where he’s happy.”

             
His lips pucker to the side in thought. “I know Mason loves you, Hope. There’s more to this. I’d bet my left nut on it.”

             
“The left one?” I say, raising my eyebrows. “Nobody cares about the left one.”

             
“I care about both my testicles, thank you very much.”

             
“What about testicles?” A familiar looking dude stands in the doorway with a single red rose in his hand and it takes me a second to place him. I look from him to Guy’s broad smile then back again.