Somewhere Only We Know ....... (15 page)

Sitting back at the table Caroline picked up
her mobile. Four messages.

Message one

Sasha

Hi hun, r u ok? Update please!!

Me

Yes - im at the bungalow - It looks lovely -
I
’
m
doing the right thing

Sash xx

Message 2

Scarlett

Morning r u ok? I
’
ve tossed and turned
all night thinking about you. I know you think you are doing the
right thing but you could have just come and stayed with me. I love
you and I
’
m here for you always day or night text me when you
can

Me

Im here and im fine - im at the bungalow and it looks
really nice from the outside - you know I wud have if I cud have
but I cudn
’
t - this will be good for me and u can come and stay - I
know I
’
m a long way from u but I
’
m here for u too -
love u xxx

Message 3

Beth

Hi mam ava was awake really early and I
can
’
t stop thinking about u x I spoke to Thomas last night he
is fine I think gabby is staying with him and I think he is over
the shock x why don
’
t u text him mam he is a big boy now and I know
he has seen ben x I inboxed jimmy on Facebook but he
hasn
’
t replied too busy getting drunk in maga is suppose x
don
’
t worry about us mam we
’
ll be fine x we have
each other and jack is here 4 me too x and those mad mates of urs r
texting

all the time lol x ring me when u can mam x
its easier 4 me because ive know 4 longer x kisses from ava and
me

Me

Im here beth - I know what u r saying about Thomas but I
don
’
t know what to say to him - can u keep an eye on him and
when I have my head in gear I will get in touch with him I promise
- don
’
t worry 2 much about james if he gets in touch it will be
coz he wants money lol - it isn
’
t the same 4 him as it
is Thomas - ive hurt Thomas badly - as soon as I get myself into
bungalow and sorted ill ring u - im just so sorry beth - give ava a
big cuddle for me xxx

Message 4

07765335477

No message

Caroline stared at the message. She put down
her phone and then picked it back up and opened the messages
again.

07765335477

No message

With shaking hands she took a cigarette out
and lit it. She inhaled deeply letting the nicotine calm her down.
She switched her mobile off the immediately switched it back on
again. She reopened the message.

07765335477

No message

Closing her eyes, in her head she started
screaming. Cilla Cilla come back and finish what you
started!!!!!!

“
Its okay chuck I
’
m here, no need for
all that shouting and screaming
”
.

Right contestant number one third and final
question!
“
After Keith beat and raped you, what happened
next
”
.

Caroline opened her eyes, she took another
couple of drags on her cigarette and then let her mind take her
right back. Back to the morning after Keith had beaten her, the
morning after he had raped her.

“
I did
nothing, just like I said I wouldn
’
t
”

Morning
has
Broken

I woke late,
the sun was streaming through the bedroom window. Bethany was awake
and busy pulling at the feet of her babygrow. Thomas slept on. I
lay staring at the ceiling for a few minutes, the last thing I
wanted to think about was the night before, but there it was all
replaying in my mind in full and glorious colour. I felt nothing, I
didn
’
t feel sorry for
myself, I didn
’
t feel my
cuts and bruises and I felt nothing for Keith. Was I in shock?
Probably. But as I lay there in my bed I felt neither anger nor
hatred.

I sat up.
Bethany realising I was awake started chuntering.
“
Yes Beth,
I
’
m coming, I know you are
hungry, let’s go and make some breakfast.
”

Taking
Bethany out
of her cot, I let Thomas
sleep, he could manage to get out of bed himself and
I
’
d close the baby gate at
the top of the stairs, he
’
ll
shout when he wants me, we made our way downstairs. I changed
Bethany in the living room. No telly and no music for us this
morning I thought, at least I had cleaned up the mess last night, I
don
’
t think I could have
faced it this morning.

Putting Bethany into her highchair I quickly
got her some juice and a biscuit. I made myself a coffee and went
back into the living room. Opening the curtains I stood and looked
out onto the garden, it was a beautiful morning, a shiver rang
through my body. It could have been a different story, I thanked
God once again that he had kept my babies safe and that I had
survived to see this morning.

A knock on
the door shook me out of my Praying. It was early, too early for
Karen and my mam and dad wouldn
’
t just pop or my Granny for that matter. I glanced in the
mirror in the hall as I made my way to the front door. I looked as
if I had been boxing. Both my eyes were swollen, my cheeks were
bruised, my lips were cut, my ears were a lovely purple colour and
my neck was covered in scratches and marks.

Heading towards the knocking door, my
attention was distracted by Thomas banging on the baby gate. Not
thinking, I opened the latch on the door shouting up to Thomas at
the same time that I would be there in a minute. Before I had
chance to see who was doing the knocking, Keith pushed his way in
and stood in front of me. Scream I thought, just scream, but the
second I thought of the scare it would give Thomas and Bethany I
decided against it.

I looked at
Keith,
“
Go, just go Keith, I
don
’
t want you
here
”
. Tears started to fall
down his cheeks.
“
I thought
I had had a nightmare Caz, tell me I
didn
’
t do that to
you.
”
I said nothing, just
continued to stare at him.
“
Please say I didn
’
t
do this
……………
“
For the first time since he came in I notice he was
carrying something; plants, he had plants in his hands, 3 of them,
all in little pots.

Keith just
stood there. I could hear Thomas banging on his gate. I would have
to go and get him, he was making a bit of a hullabaloo, probably
because he could hear his daddy
’
s voice.
“
go and put
the kettle on Keith, Bethany is in the living room having some
breakfast, I
’
m going up to
get Thomas.
”

I made my
way upstairs grabbing Thomas as I went past. I quickly threw on
some clothes, I didn
’
t think
that Keith was any kind of threat to me, but I would feel more
confident if I was fully dressed. Returning downstairs, Keith had
made coffee and was sitting on the settee with Bethany. I handed
Thomas over to him and as he sat with our children I said,
“
do you remember what else you did
to me last night Keith?
”
“
Yes
”
, he answered
not looking at me.
“
Is that
why you brought me those 3 plants, one for each time you raped
me?
”
I snarled.
“
Don
’
t say that Caz,
don
’
t say I did that to
you!
”
“
But you
did Keith, look at the state of me
”
. He said nothing. I looked up at him and the tears were
back.
“
I
’
ll go and hand
myself in to the police, I
’
m
surprised you haven
’
t had me
arrested already!
”
“
It ends here Keith.

Because of
these two, I
’
m ending it
here.
”
He put the kids down
on the floor and passed them their toy box, he continued to cry. I
felt nothing for him, no love, no pity, no fear, nothing. But he
was the father of my children. If I hated him then if I saw
anything of him in Thomas and Bethany then I feared that I would
hate that part of them too, and I
didn
’
t want that. I passed
him his coffee.

“
Keith look
at me, look what you have done to me, this is the end of us, I
don
’
t love you anymore. You
were out of control last night, I thought that you were going to
kill me. But it wasn
’
t just
last night, you have been abusing me for years and I
don
’
t think that
I
’
ve deserved it. You have
to leave me alone now. You can see the kids and obviously I am
going to have to have support with them, I still want you to be a
part of their lives, but not mine Keith. I
don
’
t want to be your
friend, I don
’
t even want to
look at you. Do you understand?
”

“
I
’
m sorry,
I
’
m sorry I
don
’
t know what else to say,
I
’
ll do whatever you
ask
”
. He whimpered.
“
I want you to go
now
”
. He stood and went over
to where the kids were playing and kissed each of them on the top
of the head.
“
Don
’
t
”
I said as he made
to come over to me.
“
Go
”
.

I heard the
door close and as it did the tears came. I let the sobs take over
my body. Eventually I couldn
’
t cry anymore. I went into the kitchen and splashed my face
with cold water, I put some cereal into bowls and some bread into
the toaster,
“
Breakfast
”
I
shouted, I was back in mammy mode.

Later in the
day while the kids napped I picked up the phone. I dialled the
number and when it was answered I said
“
Gran,
it
’
s me, can you come along
for a bit
”
.

She was
there in 20 minutes. When she saw the state of me I had to help her
to a seat. Quietly I told her what had happened, I
didn
’
t cry but she did. I
explained that I wasn
’
t
going to be pressing charges and I told her the reasons why. I
think she understood, she held my hand, but when she suggested I
rang my mam I said a definite no, that
wouldn
’
t be happening. I
didn
’
t want anyone else to
know.

Hannah
Hunter cuddled me, just like she did when I was a little girl, it
was the only therapy I needed. I woke the kids and we all sat and
had some tea together. She wanted to stay the night, but I
wouldn
’
t let her. She said
she would be back in the morning and to ring if I needed her. At
the door I clung to her. I loved her so much, she was the one
person in my life I could always rely on, but as she walked along
the path towards her own house I was suddenly racked with guilt. I
shouldn
’
t have put all that
on her. She seemed to be more stooped than she was when she came.
My heart broke for her.

The
telephone rang. Michael, full of the lads’ only holiday he had just
had in Benidorm. We had still been seeing each other regularly, but
I had commitments so we just sort of went with the flow and I knew
he saw other people. I had already decided that there was no way I
could go to work that week, too many questions and too many
explanations, I didn
’
t have
the energy for it. So I told Michael I thought I had a virus and
was feeling really under the weather. He agreed that I maybe should
have a few days off work. Promising
I
’
d keep in touch he rang
off.

I picked up
the phone and rang my child-minder, giving her the same excuse I
told her I would ring again in a couple of days.

Just as I
put the phone down it started ringing again. Keith. Drunk. I
listened while he did the whole apology thing, then I listened some
more when his tone turned nasty because I
wasn
’
t responding like he
thought I should but when he began to say that I had better watch
myself and that he would be coming along to kill me sometime soon I
hung up. I wasn
’
t sure if it
was the drink talking or if he meant it. I rechecked all the doors,
went upstairs and collected Bethany from her cot and put her on the
settee with Thomas. I had no telly to watch and noting to listen
to, so I switched off the lights and snuggled under the duvet with
the kids. At least if I was downstairs I would hear him if he
started mooching about and the phone was at hand to dial
999.