Sophie's Smile: A Novel (17 page)

“No, I need you to understand.”

“Okay,” I whispered.

“Well, like I said in the message, I don’t have much experience in the area and I know you’re probably expecting more from me or something different, maybe even better, but I’ve only had a total of…maybe five girlfriends…if you could call them that, but only one serious relationship that ended badly about 2 to 3 years ago.”

Liam paused then, his eyes showing pain and anguish, and I knew he would never explain in detail what happened in that relationship; I promised myself that I would never press him for more than he was willing to share.

He shook it off and continued, “But that was when I was working forty-plus hours a week at this software company and failing school, which caused me to drop out and rethink everything. I wasn’t at a good place to be in a relationship then, but at this point in my life…a relationship would be nice.” He flashed a sheepish grin, briefly, as a reflex to the discomfort.

“I don’t think you understand where I’m coming from.” I glanced at him before I went on—his eyes quizzical—he didn’t expect this turn of conversation. “You just said you had
some
experience, but I don’t have any.”

“What do you mean?”

“I’ve never been on a date; well, not until you, but never before. Not in elementary, middle, or high school. Not at UCSD. Not ever until you asked me.”

Shock filled his eyes as he processed what I just told him.
“Never?
How?”

“Well, nobody ever asked me out. I mean, I went to dances and school events, but always in a group and never more than friends.”

His lips curved into a large smile and he let out a large gasp. “So, I’m the first guy who ever asked you out? Wow…well, now that makes sense…I just thought…no, assumed that…well, look at you.” I blushed and he went on guiltily, “Sorry, I just assumed you had more experience than me so that’s why I tried rushing…the kiss…now I really feel like an idiot.”

“No, don’t. It’s fine.”

“This changes things. Don’t
worry,
I won’t rush anything on you. We’ll just take things slow.”

“That sounds perfect. Thank you.”

“No, thank you.”

He hugged me good night and waved good-bye as he waited for me to get safely inside. I felt comforted by the fact that he seemed to accept my non-experience with happiness and understanding rather than uncertainty and judgment.

I didn’t get my kiss tonight, but I felt relieved. I’m clearly not ready yet.
“We’ll take things slow,” he said.
Yes, we’ll take things slow
.

19

I went to visit my parents for New Year’s, as I do every year, but all I could do was
think
about Liam and our last conversation. I couldn’t help but feel a twinge of jealousy when I thought about his one serious girlfriend. I wondered who she was, what she looked like, how far their relationship got before it turned ugly, who was at fault…

I also felt comforted knowing that he had at least one serious girlfriend. I was glad he probably—no, most certainly—lost his virginity.
Probably to her.
He didn’t seem like the guy to have one night stands and flings; he didn’t seem like any guy I had ever known. I needed to know that I would be in good hands. I needed to know he had been through more, experienced more, so he could guide me and take the lead. I wanted my first experience to be a good one.

When the clock struck midnight—watching the ball drop on Dick Clark’s iconic countdown to the New Year—cheers and champagne glasses lifted and kisses were passed around, but all I could think about was Liam.
What is he doing at this moment? Who is he with? Is he thinking about me?
I missed his glimmering eyes that pierced through me, leaving my heart unlocked and vulnerable. His senses seemed to be highly in tune with mine, and that rattled me.

Debating briefly, I grabbed my cell and texted him:

Happy New Years!

I missed him and at that moment—when he didn’t return my text—I wondered if I was starting to fall harder for him than he was for me. My actions and my emotions seemed to be like oil and water, and it left me feeling confused.

If I committed myself to him, what if it didn’t work out?
Would I get hurt in the end, or would he?
No, I can’t worry about that right now…I have to take things slow and see. But I’m worried it’s too late.
The countdown had already commenced.
It seemed inevitable that I would deeply fall for him.

When I returned to my apartment in San Diego, I was happily surprised to find a message in my Inbox:

January 3, 2006 8:31 PM

Subject:
Happy New Year!

Body:

Hi Sophie,

I was so surprised and happy to get your text message today…my phone is apparently malfunctioning! Thank you for thinking of me when the clock struck 12, I was thinking of you, too! :)

We should get together this week, because school is nearly upon us. As of now it looks like Thursday is open, and Friday afternoon/evening, and the weekend is good, too. I’ll just call you tomorrow, so we can talk about it then.

I’ll talk to you soon,

Liam

I couldn’t help wondering if his phone really did malfunction or if he decided he no longer liked me. T
hen why did he want to make plans to see me again?
He did say he was thinking about me.
Ugh. What is wrong with me? I’m definitely getting too attached.

20

“Here’s a nice place to sit and wait.”

Liam led me to a quiet corner next to the Landmark Theater in Hillcrest. We sat off to the side, at a quaint little iron table, chatting idly, watching passersby and the people working out inside the glass-front gym a few yards away. The night was still, with a cold breeze that occasionally interrupted our warm thoughts.

Liam pointed toward the gym. “Do you see that guy on the stair stepper?”

I followed his gaze and nodded. He was a husky guy, tanned, stiff with hulking muscles. He looked as wide as he was tall. “What do you think his story is?”

Liam’s eyes lit up and filled with childish laughter, “Mach
naime
est
Sven,” speaking now in a horrible German-Russian hybrid accent, “ach need to
paump
,
paump
, to get
beeg
and
strawng
so Ach ken go
bach
end
mek
pessionete
luff to
mach
luffer
.”

I grinned, “Do you think his lover is a woman or a man?”

“Probably a man, you know, considering.” Liam was referring to the town’s colorful finesse and charm.

“
Ahhh
.”
I nodded in agreement. “He probably had a lover’s spat and is working off his steam on the stair stepper.”

“You’re probably right.” We started laughing uncontrollably. We were having so much fun we almost forgot about the movie. He glanced toward the theater and noticed the line starting to form. “Oh, we better get moving or else we won’t get good seats.”

Inside, the theater was small but fitting. We sat near the back of the theater since the middle was already filled with older couples. This crowd was different than what I was used to—mostly people in their forties and up, people came alone, as couples—same sex and opposite—as families, and then there was us. We had to be the youngest couple in the room.

All the critical acclaim for
Brokeback Mountain
was valid. As I watched the tragic love story unfold between two cowboys, I laughed, cried, and sat in awe. Midway through the movie I noticed Liam fidgeting in his seat, his hands shaking, flexing, gripping, placed on his lap, then back to the armrest. His hands were constantly moving. His mind seemed to be elsewhere, like the movie held no interest.

Laughing so hard, my right hand instinctively moved to cover my mouth. At that moment I noticed Liam’s left hand move toward me—the hand halted in midair, then retracted back to his lap. Liam mumbled something unintelligible.

“Did you say something?”

“No, never mind.” He looked nervous and sat awkwardly. I didn’t want to be rude so I didn’t ask.

My attention went back to the screen and another funny comment was made. I laughed, again, covering my right hand over my mouth. Liam’s hand moved again in conjunction with mine but this time his right hand reached across and grabbed my free hand…my left one, awkwardly. His cold and clammy hand stayed were it landed, unable to let go as if it were suddenly held in place by some powerful force.

We continued to sit there, not moving, uncomfortable, but happy. I was thrilled. Liam started to relax, his mood lightened, and I realized that this was his mission from the start. His thumb started massaging my palm, rolling in tiny circles as if to try and lower my pulse, but only increasing it. Heat and sweat started to build as the tight grasp smothered the little air that remained, choking it.

The movie ended and we just sat there while others clapped and exited the theater. We didn’t want the moment to end, so we just sat there silently, tension building, until we were the only ones remaining in our seats. He reluctantly let go. My swollen hand felt relieved, cooling as the sweat started to evaporate and the feeling returned.

Pressing his hand gently against my back, he guided me out of the theater. The warmth of his hand felt comforting and nice. When we neared the elevator he grabbed my hand again—the correct hand—this time it felt less awkward, but the grasp was just as strong and intense.

The ride home was quiet and whimsical. I stared out the window, hazed in a dreamy state, thinking about the events that just took place. The way the heat emanated from our grasp, rushing through my veins to reach my heart, causing beats to play up-tempo, beats that no experienced dancer could follow. The rhythm was accompanied with extraordinary notes and colors, and somehow I understood it beautifully. It was a glorious song. It was the first time I heard it play, and I smiled while thinking about this song—
our song
.

Suddenly, we were standing at my front door, saying goodbye. We hugged. He then grabbed my hand, looked straight into my eyes and said, “I had a great time.”

His smile flashed into a wide goofy grin that melted my heart. Liam was a gentleman, through and through. I realized he was taking it one step at a time with me, letting me sample a lovely cliché in each memorable experience.

21

The next morning I noticed that Liam sent me a message at 12:07 A.M., meaning he sent it the minute he returned from our date last night
:

January 7, 2006 12:07 AM

Subject:
I had a great time tonight :)

Body:

Hey Sophie,