Sorrows of Adoration (37 page)

I handed the infant to
Kurit, who gladly passed him on to the King. The scribe politely
excused himself as those who remained spent a happy time passing
the little Prince around.

* * *

The next afternoon, I
knew almost immediately when Jarik had returned, for he burst into
the palace and ran straight to my room, causing a ruckus as he ran
in his armour. He did not wait to knock on my outer door but came
to where I sat on the couch, knelt before me with his head bowed,
and said, “Good Princess Aenna, I most humbly beg your merciful
forgiveness for failing in my duty to protect you. I thank the Gods
themselves for returning you safely to us despite my abhorrent
culpability in this matter.” Though his head was down, I could see
by the side of his sweat-beaded face that his eyes were squeezed
shut in shame and regret. It broke my heart to see him suffer
so.

“Jarik, stop,” I said,
leaning to rest a hand on his armoured shoulder. “Please—this
wasn’t your fault. I knew you’d feel this way, and all while I was
gone I worried so for you and Kurit that you would take such blame
upon yourselves. You could not have prevented what happened.”

He lifted his eyes
sheepishly to mine. “I could have indeed, had I been by your side
as a Champion ought to be.”

I sighed sadly. “Jarik,
please. Don’t do this to yourself. And don’t stay there kneeling
before me. You know very well I’m uncomfortable with such
servitude, especially from a friend. Come,” I said, patting the
space beside me on the couch. “Sit with me here. I’ve missed you
so.” His eyes not leaving mine, he slowly rose and did as I asked.
I took his clenched fist and held it as a ball between my hands. “I
was so afraid that I would not see either of you again, and the
thought that you both would blame yourselves and seek all manner of
self-destruction as a result almost drove me mad. I looked forward
so happily to your return today. Don’t make it sad. I’m here, safe
as can be. Kurit and you are also well, if not a little ragged from
worry and running about Keshaerlan searching madly for me. All is
well again. There’s no reason to be melancholy or regretful.”

His eyes closed, and I
knew my words had not reached him.

“Please, Jarik, be
happy for us all. I have returned alive to you, and my son lives as
well.” His eyes opened quickly at that, and I realized he must not
have been informed about the baby. “Yes, I have a son. I gave birth
to him on my way home. He is healthy and grows stronger every
minute, it seems.” I knew my face was alight with joy to speak of
my darling child. I called to Leiset, who had been in the room with
me when Jarik entered but had quietly removed herself to her room
thereafter. When she returned, I said, “Could you please have
Lyenta bring in my son to meet his uncle Jarik? Oh, and as you
pass, would you please also knock on Kurit’s door and have Gilrin
wake him and send him in? Thank you.”

She left, and I
returned my attention to the distraught warrior beside me. “I’ll
show you how strong the boy is. You shall adore him, Jarik.”

“I have no doubt of
that. He is your child and shall therefore be precious in my eyes.”
Still there was no hint of happiness on Jarik’s face.

“As he grows, he shall
learn honour and goodness from you, my dear Champion,” I said,
trying to make him feel better. Instead, I could see that my words
gave him greater cause for shame, for his eyes closed sadly again.
“Oh, Jarik, don’t break my heart so. It’s bad enough that I have to
order Kurit to sleep in the afternoons because he lies awake all
night watching me, fearful I shall suddenly stop breathing or be
snatched away again, out of his very arms.” I pressed his
still-clenched fist to my cheek. It smelled still of metal and
horses and leather, the rich, manly smell of a warrior. I held it
to my cheek until it finally relaxed and he pressed his soft palm
to me.

“
There now,” I
whispered. “Much better.” I looked at his face. His eyes were on
me, a tender look of sorrow still present. I lowered his hand from
my face to the couch between us. “I know you still ache inside. I
understand that. But, please, do try in the days that come to
remember how to smile. I should be very sad indeed if I
should
go long without
hearing you laugh.”

He said nothing but
just stared at our clasped hands.

The door opened and
Leiset came in with the nurse, who held my Raelik in her arms. She
brought him to me and excused herself, as did Leiset.

I held the infant up
for Jarik to see. I unwrapped his blanket sufficiently to let his
wiggling little arms out and put my finger into one of his tiny
little fists. “Look how strong he is. By the Temple, he could
almost support his own weight with that grip!”

Jarik did not smile as
I did, but a gentle, almost happy look was on his face as he beheld
the baby boy in my arms. I suppressed the desire to giggle at the
sight of this otherwise tortured warrior being so softened by the
sight of an infant. I leaned to Jarik to place Raelik in his arms.
He started to protest, but I would not hear it. I put my boy into
the strong arms of his mother’s Champion.

My heart swelled with
adoration and delight to see the look of love on good Jarik’s face.
It seemed the mightier the man, the more gentle the heart. Raelik
caught hold of one of the links of his chain mail, getting his tiny
finger right into the narrow holes. With all of the adeptness of a
watchful parent, Jarik gently removed the armour from the boy’s
hand.

Jarik lifted his eyes
to me in amazement. “You have created a miracle. How did you do
this?”

I smiled as Jarik
handed my son back to me. “It is a long and rather dreadful story,
I’m afraid.” The door opened, and Kurit stepped quietly inside.
“Tomorrow at Sashken’s trial, the full text of my story will be
read in the court,” I continued, nodding to Kurit. “If you wish to
hear more after that, I shall gladly sit and speak with you about
it.”

Jarik looked then to
Kurit as he sat in a chair near us. They said nothing. I saw them
exchange an awkward glance, each humble and sheepish to the other.
Immediately I realized that each felt they had failed the other in
failing me. Though I knew it would be a battle to release them each
of their guilt for me, I refused to stand by while their friendship
died in misplaced guilt to one another.

“No,” I declared.
“Absolutely not. This shall not happen.” They looked at me, a
matched look of puzzlement that otherwise would have made me laugh.
“I see your faces when you behold one another. You each think the
other is angry with you, because you both feel such silly guilt.
I’ll not stand for that! I’ll not watch a lifelong friendship spoil
because men are too foolish to actually speak their feelings to one
another.”

Both started to speak,
no doubt to tell me some reassurance or other, but the mutual
beginning to their speeches brought an immediate mutual end. So
they sat in awkward silence, glancing at each other or me, the rest
of the time staring at the walls, the floor, their knees, or
anywhere else they could.

“The both of you shall
drive me mad if you do this to each other. I cannot bear it.” I
looked to Kurit and asked, “Kurit, are you at all angry or do you
harbour any resentment towards your cousin for what happened to me?
Speak honestly.”

“No, of course not!” he
emphatically replied. “He went boldly forth to search for you, when
I stayed behind like a woeful weakling—”

“Ah, stop!” I said,
holding up a hand and cutting him off before he could finish his
litany of guilt. I turned to Jarik next. “Jarik, are you at all
angry or do you have any ill feelings towards Kurit because of my
abduction and all that followed?”

He shook his head,
staring sadly at the pattern of the upholstery on the couch. “No,
not in the least. It was I who was charged to protect—”

“No, no, that’s quite
enough,” I said, ending his inevitable rush of apologies as I had
Kurit’s. “Now then, you both can hear how truly neither of you
blames the other. So right here and now, this awkward wall of
silence between you must be gone. I’ve told you both, there’s no
guilt to be placed on either of you for what happened. I was the
silly girl who went outside alone based on an anonymous note. I was
the fool who stepped into darkened shadows when I should have had
the sense to know Kurit would never summon me out on a cold
winter’s night. I was naïve, and I have paid a terrible penalty for
that, but both of you did what you could to remedy my predicament.
I am proud of you both, and you should be delightedly proud of
yourselves and of each other.”

Kurit looked to Jarik
and said, “Can you believe this scene? My wife is recovering from a
horrible crime, and yet her greatest concern is that we do not feel
badly for her.”

Jarik’s eyes were fixed
on my own as he replied, “That is because she is a noble woman.
Nobler than you or I.”

“That’s enough of
that!” I laughed. “Silly boys, always turning everything into a way
to sing my praises. One of these days you’ll both go too far and I
shall become so arrogant that you’ll both despise me!”

“Never!” they both said
quickly, in the absurd unison they had so often managed before.

I laughed at them,
these two silly, adorable men whom I held so dear. They did not
laugh, both still intent on feeling remorseful, but at least they
smiled a bit at one another, which pleased me greatly. “Good.
That’s fixed then,” I said. “Now I’m going to feed my son. Go on,
both of you. Go be as you were before. I shall enjoy hearing your
insults for each other echo down the hall.”

They seemed puzzled, so
I said, “You know what I mean!” I pointed to them in turn and said,
“You’re a beastly brat, and you’re a noble fool. Now go off and
continue that until you both recall what it is to be happy and
laugh. I want our old life back from before all of these things
happened. I need you both to be the happy, silly boys that I adore.
But my son is starting to fuss for his meal, so leave me and go
play your boyish games.”

They managed to chuckle
at each other, though when their eyes returned to me it was still
with a dreadful sorrow and concern. I elected to not fret over
that, having won at least the first part of the battle. They rose
and left together. I could hear them speaking in the hall as they
left, though I could not hear what they said.

* * *

Much as I wanted to
hold my son in my arms for all to see at Sashken’s trial the
following day, Kurit convinced me that I needed no additional
prompt for sympathy and that Raelik’s inevitable noises and cries
would be disruptive. I left him thus with his nurse Lyenta and
allowed Kurit to lead me to the Great Hall, still wearing dressings
on my feet but able to walk short distances.

Only crimes of great
importance or particular horror are tried by the King in the Great
Hall in the palace. Most crimes are settled in the offices of local
lawmakers or in the Temples. Of course, Sashken’s attempt to have
murdered the wife and unborn son of the heir to the throne
qualified for the ultimate formality.

King Tarken and Kasha
sat on their thrones, the former schooling his face as always, the
latter noticing our arrival and watching me with a nasty glare.
Kurit saw the look and stood with his back to her in front of me
until the call to be seated came. Kurit bade me sit between himself
and Jarik, whose bulk prevent Kasha from being able to look at me
directly as our seats extended in a row leading away from the
throne stage.

The room fell silent as
Sashken was brought in by the guards, shackles and chains on her
ankles and wrists. She looked a pathetic sight—haggard, sleepless,
distraught, and very guilty. Her eyes found Kurit’s, who glared
furiously in return. She turned her face away and closed her eyes
in shame.

They opened again in
startled reaction to the King’s sudden booming voice as he recited
the charge against her. “Lady Sashken of Kydren, daughter of Lord
Sibek and Lady Kayel, you are accused of the crimes of conspiracy
to commit murder, payment to assassins, withholding of information
sought by the King’s Guard, and high treason against this kingdom.
How do you respond to these accusations against you?”

Sashken found some
remnant of strength, schooled her expression, and loudly
proclaimed, “I am not guilty of these crimes.” A low murmur swept
through the gathered audience of dignitaries and courtiers.

“Very well,” the King
said. “I call forth those I have approved to speak either side of
these charges. Lord Cael of Alesha shall present the evidence
against you, and Her Royal Majesty Queen Kasha shall present
evidence in rebuttal. Do you accept these persons to present the
case?”

Sashken looked to the
Queen and said, “I do.”

I looked at Kurit. His
eyes were turned in his mother’s direction, and they held a cold
fury. I assumed this was the first he knew of Kasha’s volunteering
to defend Sashken, as it certainly was the first I’d heard of it. I
had not known that Lord Cael had even made the journey, let alone
that he would present my end of things. I caught his eye as he rose
from the audience. He bowed his head subtly towards me, his face
grim.

“Why is Cael doing
this?” I whispered to Kurit.

“He cares for you a
great deal. I learned of his bid to act on your behalf only this
morning. He’s clearly partial to you, but he is well respected as
an honest and intelligent man. Mother’s backing of Sashken, on the
other hand, is a knife in my own back,” he grumbled under his
breath.

“A surprising
development, since she is also the ‘witness’ that Sashken was
otherwise occupied that evening,” Jarik muttered to Kurit and
me.

“I suppose Father
allowed it rather than fight her on it,” came Kurit’s quiet reply.
His anger seemed to fade to exhausted acceptance.