Soul of the Age (22 page)

We're suffering because we would like to follow that path, but that is no longer possible. We're being held back, not just by the desires and egotistical cravings of the “real world,” but also by all the duties and responsibilities we have assumed. We have to transcend those obligations or acknowledge them and live up to them as best we can. Few people, even monks, attain perfection or sainthood, and if that is indeed our goal, we must first try to attain the greatest amount of harmony possible in the present, an objective which we can never reach entirely: it will constantly slip away, but can always be found again. I don't believe that it's possible to hold on to it for long during life on this earth.

TO HANS REINHART
147

[
May 1921
]

I should have thanked you long ago for your letter, but I have been undergoing psychoanalysis, which is quite demanding. I would, however, like to respond to your remarks about analysis.

You would like to arrive at some sort of compromise between psychoanalysis and the philosophy of Steiner. But that is altogether impossible, since psychoanalysis is not a creed or philosophy, but an experience. Analysis is only worthwhile when one is prepared to experience it fully, and bring it to bear on one's life. Otherwise, it's nothing but a nice little game.

I'm going through the upheaval induced by psychoanalysis at a time when my life is difficult, intolerable at times.

I have no way of knowing whether you too need analysis. I can only say that Dr. Jung is conducting my analysis with extraordinary assurance, even a touch of genius.

 

Zurich
[
May 1921
]

I'm leaving tomorrow. I had really wanted to spend a few more days in Zurich and then visit you again in Winterthur, but I ran out of money, and may have to leave sooner.

I would have liked to continue the analysis with Jung for a little longer. He has a lively personality and a brilliant intellect, a splendid human being; I owe him a lot, and am glad I had the opportunity to spend some time with him.

Please tell your brother Georg that I shall be in Montagnola, after all.

TO THEO WENGER

Montagnola
[
1921
]

Many thanks for your second letter. It arrived while I was thinking about a letter I was going to write to Frau Wenger, but now that is unnecessary.

Your first letter made me feel very worried about the three of you. You can always protect Ruth from the outside, but if you wish to understand what is going on inside her and really help her, it would be important for you to realize why Ruth's affections settled on me. I was afraid that it would be impossible to reach such an understanding if you persisted in seeing only my negative qualities.

Now that I have read your letter, I feel reassured and relieved on that score. And I also feel delighted about the conscientious efforts you're making to assess the situation fairly, without forgetting the bonds of affection and respect that have developed recently between the two of us. I would like to thank you for that; I realize that the recent upheavals have been just as difficult for you as for Ruth and myself.

I believe that Ruth and I shall always remain close friends. We are both sensitive and defenseless by nature, and have a deep need for love and understanding. We discovered that capacity in each other, and know each other so well now that the bond between us may last forever. Never before have I confided so many of my most secret urges, weaknesses, and sufferings. And if it were in my power to transform Ruth's love for me into feelings of pure friendship, I would do so right away. I love her, not just as a friend and soul mate, but as a woman. Yet I have never considered the erotic element the most important aspect of love. I know how easily and often I fall in love, but I have never been able to confide as much of my soul in any person as I have in Ruth, and that is a far stronger bond than any infatuation.

But I'm forty-four and Ruth is twenty years younger. She doesn't really know the difference yet between friendship and love. Only time will tell whether her love for me can turn into friendship, and make her a free woman again. I'm concerned about that. But if there was a time—perhaps even a protracted period—when Ruth missed other marital opportunities because of me, it must also be said that she has gained something from the experience, which should stand her in good stead.

Dear Herr Wenger, I do not believe in chance. The things that occurred to me in your house were fated to happen, and I have even benefited from this gloomy situation, which reflects the will of our stars or gods. I gained a lot from the relationship with Ruth, and also owe much to her mother. I also sense that you too find it hard to believe that our encounter was entirely accidental and futile.

Please do not mention any of this to Ruth.
To me, she is not a plaything or conquest, as you once thought, but a soulful, delicate child.

I would be delighted to talk with you as soon as possible. But I can perfectly understand it if you want to hold off on this for the time being. What Ruth needs is not palaver and bustle, but patience and love. I send my grateful greetings to you and your wife.

 

[
1921
]

I have just found out that, contrary to my intentions, Ruth has informed you about the content of the recent conversations between the two of us. So now you know about the problems which would arise in the event of a second marriage. I had hoped that Ruth and I would come to a clearer agreement on these matters before bringing them up with you. Something similar happened a few months ago: I held off letting you know that my relationship with Ruth was getting more serious and intimate because I knew that I was not yet in a position to make definite plans or binding promises. You know that I love Ruth and that she loves me. At the moment the legal and economic obstacles to marriage seem quite insuperable. Even if I do manage to get a divorce within the foreseeable future, that will entail a financial burden for years to come, and will make it impossible for me to support a wife. But I do not mean to suggest that these material issues are solely responsible for my predicament. I attach more importance to the inner causes, which are connected to the artistic task or mission with which I feel entrusted. They also reflect some of my own weaknesses and problems. I'm at a stage in life known symbolically to those engaged in intellectual struggles as “forty days in the wilderness,” although I have been in the wilderness for three years now, with no end in sight.

Hesse shortly before the outbreak of World War I

(
Above
) Maria (called Mia) Hesse, née Bernoulli (1868–1963), mother of Hesse's three sons

(
Below
) With Ruth Wenger (1920), whom Hesse married in 1924

But there were two beautiful, really promising signs amid all this turmoil: first of all, my work went through a process of transformation and renewal (from
Demian
to
Klingsor
), and second, I met Ruth. I have known Ruth for almost two years now, and love her with all the love of which I'm capable. I'm not yet sure exactly where our relationship is going. But I feel that omens like that are always meaningful.

Marriage is completely out of the question at the moment. I realize that I am thereby violating a tenet of bourgeois morality, but I cannot behave otherwise, since I'm bound by another form of morality no less sacred to me: my inner voice.

I very much regret that you didn't hear about these reservations directly from me, but I had intended to do things differently. There is little more for me to add, other than what I have just implied. I hope that you will spare Ruth's feelings and not lose faith in me entirely.

As regards my reservations about marriage (that is, conventional marriage), I would ask you to keep in mind that I had a very difficult first marriage, which lasted a long time. I have to admit that I was just as much to blame as my wife for the failure and collapse of the marriage. The wound is still there, but it may eventually heal.

I'm not claiming for myself the alleged prerogative of the artist, as a superior type of human being, to live by looser standards of morality. To the contrary, I'm far more critical of myself than is the average person. Nor do I consider myself a leader or important intellect and thus somehow worthier than others. As I see it, I have an unusual sensitivity that makes me more prone to certain experiences. My mission is to endure them and then articulate them in my work. It's a sensibility which makes marriage rather difficult.

I'm not yet sure how to find a practical solution to this difficult situation. My standards of morality are certainly not bourgeois, since they are based on the belief that fate (e.g., my encounter with Ruth) is never meaningless, and that is why I feel I have to be especially honest with her. I could easily have kept my inner reservations about marriage to myself, since there will be many external obstacles in the years ahead that would automatically rule out a new marriage. But there would be no point in that. Respectful greetings

TO JOSEF BERNHARD LANG

Montagnola, April 17, 1922

My dear friend,

I had just been thinking about you when your letter arrived. I paid a quick visit to Delsberg
148
the other day, talked to Ruth about you, and also told Mama Wenger that I wished to see you again. She said that it might be possible at some point to have me stay a couple of days in Delsberg as her guest, and have you over for a day or two. In any case, plans are being made. So we were both thinking of each other at the same time.

There are families everywhere now, because of Easter; I'm always running into acquaintances, chiefly from Zurich. Well, that is an established ritual here: Swiss-Germans swarm across Ticino twice a year, always in the wettest weather.

Otherwise, I'm my usual isolated self, and since I don't find painting and writing very meaningful any longer, my life often feels empty. However, I have reached a level of rapport and understanding with Ruth that goes beyond the wildest dreams I used to have. On the other hand, I'm still in a shabby predicament vis-à-vis my wife and family.

The autobiography you mentioned is just a myth. For the past few months, I have been regaling the audience at my public readings with that legend. I do, of course, have something serious in mind, but the only part of it to have seen the light of day is a short introduction plus a sketch of the magical ending, which I have read on several occasions, to the amazement of the audience.
149

When are you going to visit us again in Ticino? For the past year, my social life has centered on Ruth. She was living in Zurich, and I tried to get there as often as possible; I succeeded through a stroke of magic. This winter I was asked to give quite a few lectures, but that's over now. Ruth wants to spend the summer in Baden with her sister and only come to Zurich occasionally for lessons (singing with Meschaert). I'm still hoping to get to Delsberg sometime this summer. Then I shall be in touch. On the 10th of May, I went to hear the premiere of Schoeck's
Venus
150
in Zurich.

Although deep down I feel quite miserable and out of sorts, I have more or less managed to keep my head above water. I'm very pleased that you want to keep in touch with me. As you can see, I have been trying to find a way for us to get together again and talk. And now it's really going to happen. Fond greetings

TO ERICH OPPENHEIM

May 13, 1922

Caro Dottore,

Many thanks for your kind letter. I feel sorry for you, now that you are going to have me as a patient, and feel you should be forewarned.

I'm not at all interested in the nomenclature of my various complaints, and as far as I'm concerned, a term such as “gout” might well be based on myth. After all, medicine is not an exact science either.

Well, here is how things stand: I'm not at all the saint, or even the person, you see in me; when I unleash my temperament, I can be a real monster, a Satan. I decided to embark on a radical cure, and your suggestions, especially about sunbathing, are a bit late. I have been sunbathing for many years, whenever the sun was out, this year too; I expose everything thoroughly to the harsh sunlight, not just my stomach and chest, but also my head. I have always bathed in the nude, protecting my eyes either with sunglasses or by keeping them closed, and the treatment seems to agree with me, even though it usually makes me feel rather uncomfortable for several days afterward.