Southern Lights (23 page)

“Why do we feel so weird?” Tom asked, as he looked at her. Luisa had no idea he was with her.

“Are you kidding?” Alexa looked at him. “You left me. I’ve spent the last ten years hating you. What am I doing having lunch with you? And our daughter is living with you. That’s all pretty crazy.”

“Maybe not. You had every right to hate me. And you’re very gracious to have lunch with me, but you always were compassionate and forgiving.”

“Don’t count on that yet,” she said honestly, and he laughed again. “So why do you feel weird? Did you hate me too?”

“I had nothing to hate you for,” he said sadly. “I just had regrets, about what happened.”

“It didn’t ‘happen.’ You did it. With Luisa’s help, and your mother’s. They made the decision for you, to get rid of me and go back to her, and you did what they wanted. I guess you wanted it too.” She looked wistful as she said it, and so did he.

He shook his head then. “It wasn’t that simple. I didn’t know what I wanted. I wanted to get my pride back because Luisa had left me, but I was in love with you.”

“Then you did a really stupid thing, Tom.” It helped her to say it, and she felt better after she did.

“Yes, I did. I agree with you. Totally. And if it’s any consolation, I’ve regretted it ever since.” She didn’t want him to go there. She didn’t want to know. They ordered lunch then, and both ordered crab cakes and lobster bisque. It had always been their favorite meal. Some things hadn’t changed. Alexa told herself that the only thing they still had in common was the food.

They talked about other things then. Savannah. Her trial. His bank. Travis and Henry. Alexa mentioned in passing that Savannah had said Henry was gay and liked him a lot. She didn’t think his lifestyle shocking and expected Tom to be reasonable about it, but she saw instantly that he looked pained.

“I’m sorry. Are you upset about it?” It was hard to believe in this day and age, but she also knew how conservative Tom was, and old-fashioned.

“Sometimes. I guess it’s just the way he is. But it’s not a life that I wanted for one of my sons. But in the end, I just want him to be happy. His mother denies it, which makes it harder for Henry.”

“That’s stupid of her,” Alexa said bluntly, and then winced. “Sorry. I just feel sorry for Henry if he can’t be himself with both of you. Is Travis okay with it? He’s as conservative as you are.” She knew them all well, even if she hadn’t seen them for ten years, and left the boys in their teens. It was totally odd to her to be sitting at a lunch table with Tom, talking as though they were old friends, instead of her being the woman who had loved him, and been his wife, and whom he had spurned for another. Life really was strange.

“I think Travis tries to be understanding about it, but you’re right, he’s pretty straitlaced. The boys aren’t as close anymore, now that they’re grown up. They’re very different.”

“They always were,” Alexa said quietly. “That’s too bad if they’re not close,” she said sadly. “They were then.” Tom was embarrassed not to have been more supportive of his son. It was one more thing for him to feel guilty about, like so many others. He had a lot on his list to repent for, and Alexa was at the top of that list.

“I meant what I said before,” he said over coffee and warm peach cobbler for dessert. He took his with vanilla ice cream, she without. Same old habits again. For an instant, she could distinctly remember being his wife, what it had felt like, and how much she had loved it, particularly when Savannah was little. They had been so in love then, and Alexa had stayed in love with him right till the end.

“About what?” Alexa asked as she ate the dessert that melted in her mouth. She’d forgotten what he’d said earlier. They had touched on a lot of subjects, including their daughter, who he acknowledged was wonderful and gave her full credit for, which she deserved.

“I meant it when I said that I’ve regretted leaving you every day since.” He looked sorrowful and depressed as he said it, and her eyes hardened at the words.

“I’m sorry to hear that, Tom. That’s a hard way to live.”

“Yes, it is.” He was feeling sorry for himself. Alexa’s eyes went cold.

“So is getting thrown out by your husband whom you love and trust, for another woman, who abandoned him before, and came back because it was convenient. It would have been nice if you’d seen through that.” He nodded, he could see again how hurt Alexa was, and how unforgiving. Her walls had gone up the minute he brought up the subject.

“I’m not suggesting you take me back,” he explained to her.

“Good, because I wouldn’t. Not in a hundred years.” She wanted that entirely clear, particularly if they were going to attempt to be friends. She wanted clear boundaries with him, and no confusion, for him, or herself. He was still a very attractive man, and she had loved him. She didn’t want this to be dangerous for her. And he would be if she fell for him again. He had already proven to her once in no uncertain terms that he wasn’t a man of his word. She could never trust him again, no matter how much she had loved him, or how handsome and charming he still was.

“I just wanted you to know how sorry I am.”

“So am I. I’ve never trusted another man again, and probably never will.” She blamed it entirely on him.

“That’s awful,” he said sadly, feeling guilty again and looking woebegone.

“Maybe. But it’s real. For me anyway. I could never trust another man not to do the same thing. I thought we were married forever.”

“So did I. And then Luisa came back, and I fucked it all up, for both of us.” Alexa nodded. She didn’t want to rehash their marriage with him over lunch. “Just know that I regret it, and I’ve never had a happy day since. She’s a miserable person.”

“Then why don’t you divorce her? Not for me. For yourself.”

“I just don’t want to go through that again. Our divorce nearly killed me.”

“Funny, me too,” Alexa said bitterly, and then laughed at herself. “Sorry, I guess I’m still pretty pissed. My mother says I have to get over it, but it’s hard to do. I saw a shrink about it for five years, and finally stopped going. I was just as pissed after five years, and just as hurt, and just as bitter. I guess it takes longer than that. For me, anyway. I’m a slow healer. I broke my arm once, and it took six months to heal instead of six weeks.”

“I know,” he said, near tears, “I was with you.”

“Oh.” She looked down at her plate for a minute and then back at him. “Look, let’s be honest. I’m sure somewhere I still love you. If I didn’t, I wouldn’t hate you so much, or wouldn’t have. I don’t think I hate you right now. I’m not even pissed. We had a nice lunch and I enjoyed it. We have a beautiful daughter, and I loved you with all my heart. Maybe I always will in some secret place in my heart. Maybe ‘until death do us part’ is for real. I hope not, but it could be. I hate that you left me for Luisa and abandoned us. But you did.

“You’re doing a nice thing for Savannah and I appreciate it, seriously. I don’t have to worry about her right now because she’s with you, and that means a lot. It’s a huge weight off my shoulders. And you’re still the most handsome man I know, and the most charming. I loved living here with you, and the South, until I hated that too because you were southern. And maybe we can be friends now. But I don’t want to fool either of us that we can do it again. I won’t do to Luisa what she did to me, or what you did. I won’t sneak around with you. I don’t want to fall in love with you again. I think it would be lethal for me, particularly if you hurt me again. I don’t ever want to give that another chance, whether you’re sorry or not. I can’t. I don’t have it in me. It’s taken me over ten years to get this far, to get over you. And I want to keep going. Maybe now we can be friends, but that’s all we can ever be, and all I want from you, if that. And if Luisa makes you miserable, then divorce her. But even if you do, all I want is to be your friend. We’re Savannah’s parents, so it’ll be nice if we can be civilized. But I don’t want to hold out any hope to you that it’s more than that.” She had been totally clear and totally fair with him. She always had been, which was one of the million things he loved about her and had forgotten, or tried to.

“I get it, Alexa. I’m sorry that I even brought it up. I just wanted you to know that I still love you and I’m sorry.” Hearing it made her mad again. It wasn’t fair of him to tell her that he was in love with her. Not now, ten years later, after all she’d been through since, all the pain, all the agony, all the tears over him. She looked at him with fury in her eyes.

“Don’t ever tell me that again. It’s self-serving. You’re sorry now, but where were you for the last ten years? With Luisa. If you never say that again, maybe we can be friends. Deal?”

He nodded somberly, and knew he was lucky she was even willing to do that. “Deal. I’m sorry.”

“Good. Go home to your wife now, or whatever you want to do. I’m going to meet Savannah at the soccer game.” He nodded, a little shaken, or even a lot, by what she had said. Somehow, foolishly, he had hoped he could still get her back. He had thought of it when he saw her in New York, but didn’t know how to do it. And he hoped that she might feel that way too. She didn’t. He had hurt her way too much for her to ever come back to him. She might forgive him, but she would never take him back. There was no doubt in his mind now. Or hers.

They walked outside after he paid the check, and she smiled at him. “Thank you. I feel better.” She had waited ten years to say those things to him, and had finally had the chance. She knew that that had been a gift. He didn’t feel better, and she could see it. But that was no longer her problem.

She left him outside the restaurant and drove to the soccer game, and found Savannah just leaving the bleachers. There was a tall handsome boy waiting for her on the field, and other kids leaving the game too. Savannah was smiling at him, with a whole world in her eyes, and it made Alexa’s heart ache to see it. She told herself that if this boy hurt her, she would have to kill him. Not really, but she would want to. She was still shaken by what Tom had said to her at lunch. If she had let him, he would have dumped Luisa and come back to her. Maybe. Or had an affair with her and broken her heart again. If his mother had even let him do that, or if he had the balls, which she knew he didn’t. Luisa and his mother had them. It hadn’t been fair of him to say he still loved her, but at least he had said he was sorry and seemed to mean it. Maybe that was enough. She felt lighter than she had in years.

Savannah introduced her to Turner when her mother walked across the field and reached them.

“Turner, this is my mom.”

“Hi,” Alexa said, smiling broadly. He looked like a sweet boy, and so young. And as she looked at him, she remembered that he had lost his mother and felt sorry for him.

“It’s very nice to meet you, ma’am. I’ve heard a lot of great things about you from Savannah.” He was very southern and very polite, but looked sincere.

“I’ve heard some pretty nice things about you too. How was the game?”

“We won,” he said, grinning and pleased, as Savannah smiled at him and then her mother.

“Turner scored the winning points. Two of them,” she said proudly, as her mother looked at them both and felt a thousand years old, but happy for them.

She took them to their favorite hangout for a burger and shake. They chatted easily for an hour, and then Savannah and her mother went back to the hotel to get their nails done. It was a luxury they both enjoyed. Alexa told her daughter that she liked Turner very much, and Savannah looked delighted.

When they went back to the room after their manicures, Alexa told Savannah what had happened at lunch. She never kept secrets from her. They were best friends as well as mother and daughter, although Alexa was always clear what her role was, as the mother.

“Daddy asked me in a roundabout way today if I’d come back to him—he said that he still loves me and regrets what he did.”

“What did you say to him?” Savannah asked with interest, watching her mother’s eyes. She looked happy, happier than she had in a long time.

“I told him never to say that to me again. It’s enough if we can be friends. That in itself is a miracle after what happened. I could never trust him again. I would never, ever trust him. And I don’t want to go there again.”

“What did he say?”

“I think he was shocked,” Alexa said honestly.

“Was he pissed?”

“I don’t think so. Sad maybe. It wasn’t even fair for him to ask me, or imply it. It’s been too long, and he hurt me too much.” Savannah nodded. She agreed. She knew how hurt her mother had been, or could guess.

“I understand, Mom. I think you did the right thing.” Even Savannah remembered her mother crying for hours every day, for years. It had been a terrible time. He couldn’t just walk back in now, because he was bored and didn’t like the choice he made. What about Alexa and what it had done to her? “I don’t think he’ll ever leave Luisa anyway,” Savannah said wisely. “She runs the show. And he lets her do it.”

“He always did,” Alexa said quietly, “even when he was married to me, at the end. They deserve each other.” Savannah nodded, although she felt sorry for her father too. Luisa was a terrible person. But he had made that choice, twice.

They had a wonderful evening and talked late into the night. Turner called Savannah, and Alexa invited him to brunch with them the next day. And Travis called them in the morning. He wanted to see Alexa, and he and Scarlette dropped by after church for a few minutes. Savannah and Alexa were too lazy to go this time, and they didn’t want to run into Luisa again. They were glad they hadn’t gone when Travis said they had just gone to church with his mother.

He sat down with Alexa in their living room and talked about old times, and his life now. He apologized for not writing to her, and she said she understood. He had been young and his mother had forbidden it. Alexa knew that, although out of loyalty to his mother he didn’t say it. He was as polite and sweet as he had been as a child, and he was very proud when he introduced her to Scarlette. She seemed like a nice girl, and Alexa hoped they would make each other happy. They talked about the wedding for a few minutes and how stressful it was organizing everything, and then they left. They were going to have lunch with Scarlette’s parents to work on the guest list for the wedding.