Spank: The Improbable Adventures of George Aloysius Brown (19 page)

George stood to gre
e
t a handsome woman in her mid-50s, taller than he, fashionably dressed in a purple blouse open to show a hint of cleavage and a black trouser-suit that showed off long legs and a pert bottom that would have flattered a woman twenty years younger.

"
Geraldine Warmington,
"
she said.
"
Pleased to meet you. And you are?
"

"
George Aloysius Brown
"

"
You look familiar, George, I never forget a face. Have we met before? You haven't been in trouble with the law, have you?
"

"
Good lord, no,
"
George began, and then suddenly he remembered. Shoreham magistrates court. Dieter's trial. Lady Geraldine Warmington J.P., presiding.

"
However, last time I saw your ladyship, it was in court. Remember the case of Dieter Schitler? My wife and I were in the public gallery.
"

Her ladyship laughed uproariously. It was clear she did remember.

"
God, yes. German chappie. Indecent exposure. Huge erection. Had a bit of fun with that one. I was laughing so hard I should have thrown myself out of court. Ha ha. As it was I threw the case out of court. Where is he now? He's not here is he? We could use a chap with his credentials.
"

George let that one go, hoping she wouldn't be disappointed with the little fella.

He changed the subject.

"
How did you get from Justice of the Peace to GPR?
"
he asked
She laughed.

"
It is a bit of a transition, isn't in? Truth is I was bored. Needed a bit of excitement. I had to resign from the bench, of course. Wouldn't do for a magistrate to be in this line of work. It might raise a few eyebrows in chambers. How about you, George? What's your story?
"

George quickly wondered how much he should tell her. Not much, he decided.

"
Bit like you, really. Got fed up with retirement. Always wanted to be in the movies. Thought at least I'd least show up for an audition.
"

"
Well George….
"
She came straight to the point.
"
I presume you can act or you wouldn't be here. The question is: Do you think you can give me a good spanking? Because that's what this film is all about?
"

"
No problem there,
"
he replied, glad to be in familiar territory.
"
I think your ladyship will be pleasantly surprised. Do you mind running the story-line by me?
"

"
Absolutely, it's typical GPR, boy meets girl, very romantic. We meet on a bird watching outing, strike up a friendship, share our knowledge, that sort of thing. There's lots of footage of me bent over my tripod. I'm focused on the birds, but your attention is apparently focused elsewhere. Later, I invite you to my place to review and edit my photos. Accidentally, in the middle of the show, appears the footage of the young couple I filmed earlier – I believe Gimble told you about them – and this gets us both excited. Well one thing leads to another and next thing I'm over your knee. And… well I believe you get the picture.
"

"
I do indeed,
"
said George.

"
I'm glad we're all on the same page then,
"
says Gimble.
"
Georgy boy, we're gonna make you a star.
"

Just then the door opened and an elderly lady made a slow and stately entrance.

"
'Ello Nan. 'Ow are you, darlin?' Well, what did you think of the footage? Fantastic stuff, wouldn't you say?
"

"
That gal,
"
said
Nan
, icily,
"
do you know who she is?
"
Her tone of voice could suck the juice out a lemon.

"
'Ow would I know,
"
said Gimble defensively. 'What's it matter? Could be anybody. We're interested in 'er ass, not 'er face.
"

"
Well it does matter, Gimble. I know who she is. That little tattoo at the base of her spine, I bought that for her for her 21st birthday. I'd recognize it anywhere.
"

By now Gimble has his head in his hands. This is not looking good. Very likely it's going to cost him serious money.

"
Go on,
Nan
,
"
he says despondently.
"
'Oo is it?
"

"
My granddaughter.
"

"
My God,
"
exclaimed Lady Warmington.
"
Now I remember her telling me. Catherine Mallory Jones.
"

"
Good heavens,
"
thought George.
"
It's the girl from class, the redhead, my literary partner.
"
He's wondering if they will let him see the footage.

"
Bloody 'ell,
"
said Gimble, gloomily.
"
I suppose this changes everything. Just what are you proposin'
Nan
?
"

Nan
smoothed imaginary wrinkles from her blouse. Her face wore an expression of defiance.

"
I won't know until I have spoken to my client, I mean my granddaughter,
"
she said firmly.

"
Your client?
"
said Gimble, incredulously.
"
Don't tell me you were a lawyer, I thought you were a dancer.
"
Gimble has visions of injunctions dancing in his head.

"
I got a law degree after I retired from the stage,
"
she said.
"
Spent thirty years as a partner with Stoppit, Fetchit,
Burton
and Nochance.
"

Gimble's brow was now beaded with sweat and the red spotted handkerchief got another outing.

George and Geraldine exchanged a sideways glance. 'Forget about filming,' it said. 'This could get interesting.'

When
Nan
phoned me to say she had personally witnessed my bottom being spanked on the banks of the River Cam, my initial reaction was to go along with the joke.

"
Sure you did,
Nan
?
"
I responded.
"
And how's your love life
"

"
Active,
"
she said.
"
Just don't tell your father.
"

We had a good laugh over that.

But when she told me about EVP Inc. and her volunteer role in consumer test marketing and Lady Geraldine Warmington with her video camera, it all came flooding back. What was it that ridiculous woman had said to me and Ryan when she apologized for intruding on our picnic. Something about
"
spankus
interruptus
"
– that should have told us she saw more than that just the blue winged marbled flycatcher.

I took a deep breath.

"
How did you know it was me,
Nan
?
"
She couldn't possibly have seen my face,
not in the position I was in.

"
The tattoo, darling. Those little swans I bought you were bouncing up and down.
"

"
And she filmed the whole thing?
"

"
She did.
"

I was mortified. The thought of my bottom being spanked on general release, or worse, being posted on YouTube, was not something I cared to think about.

Nan
seemed to find the whole thing amusing.

"
You think your ass is on the line,
"
she chuckled.
"
Don't worry, we'll sue
their
ass.
"

"
Oh great, then it
'
ll be all over the Sunday papers.
"

"
Hold on, darling, don
'
t get ahead of yourself. Let
'
s look at this situation rationally. First of all did you enjoy it?
"

"
Enjoy what?
"

"
The spanking, darling.
"

"
Nan
!
I don
'
t think that
'
s exactly relevant.
"

"
You
'
d be surprised what
'
s relevant if this ends up in court. We may have to prove damages. Who was the lucky young man?
"

"
Ryan Donovan, he
'
s in my poetry group. We split up two weeks ago.
"

"
Well, we
'
ll have to tell him what
'
s happening. He will be co-plaintiff if we apply for an injunction to stop distribution.
"

Distribution?
God, I don
'
t even want to think about distribution.
"
Nan
, you
'
ve seen it, the film, I mean.
Is the footage really that exceptional?
"

"
Actually, I thought it was sweet. I
'
m watching it and I
'
m thinking,
'
Good for you, Catherine. You go, girl.
'
I remember years ago when you were still at school you telling me…
"

"
Nan
!
I know what I told you.
"

"
Anyway, Gimble says it
'
s the best amateur footage he
'
s ever seen and he
'
s in the business so he should know. An idylic setting, a beautiful bottom being lustily spanked, shouts of unbridled enthusiasm…
"

"
Nan
, don
'
t go on about it!
"

"
Even a little impromptu poetry to add literary cachet. Ryan
'
s poem to you was cute and I loved your response, remember?
'
Good sir, I bow with due submission, bottoms up…..
'
"

"
Yes, thank you,
Nan
, I know what I said.
"

"
What I
'
m saying, darling, is that EVP Inc. has in its possession a valuable piece of video and Gimble Hemmings knows it. He also knows that I know that their business makes a shed-full of money. They don
'
t want this thing to go to court any more than we do. I think they might be persuaded to share the wealth.
"

"
You mean pay us a royalty for our permission?
"

"
Exactly.
"

"
Without having to go public?
"

"
Exactly.
"

"
How much?
"

"
Depends on negotiations, but I think we can start at forty thousand. It would help pay your university debt.
"

"
Yes, but I still don
'
t need the exposure.
"

"
I thought of that. Suppose as part of the negotiations we get them to digitally remove the tattoo. Then even your dear mother wouldn
'
t recognize you.
"

Mother. Ohmygod, I hadn
'
t even thought about Mother.

So the upshot was that I phoned Ryan.
Nan
phoned Gimble. Gimble phoned Geraldine and we all agreed to meet. What I found out later is that Gimble phoned George. Told him he would be delighted to assist with his research. After all, Gimble reasoned, if this thing ended up in litigation, a prominent former civil servant would be a good man to have in his corner.