Sparing the Heart (Pastime Pursuits #3) (24 page)

Pinterest threw up. No, I’m not kidding. Pinterest literally threw up in Clark and Mona’s house. I think every single square inch of their home is pink, in one shade or another. A bubblegum chevron table runner covers the table with burlap wrapped mason jars, an “M” written in calligraphy in the center. Different shades of the colors stream across the ceiling, leading to a centerpiece of balloons. A chalkboard outlines big “firsts” for Mona. Her first smile, her first real laugh, her first word (mama), first time standing on her own. I like pink, but this is a little much.

Mona, though, is a gorgeous ball of pink. She’s in a fuchsia tutu onesie that says “I’m the Birthday Girl” on it in gold. Her honey locks fall by her shoulders. I wonder how much time Gretchen put into that and how she got Mona to sit still.
 

“Happy birthday, Mona!” I hand her a gift bag with a card signed from both me and Kellan. Our first joint gift.
 

She takes off and I doubt I’ll be visiting with her again any time soon.
 

“She’s practically running!” I say in awe to Gretchen. I barely witnessed her crawling and now she works her legs like a champ.

“She was an early walker, so, yes, an early runner, too! Some days I wonder how I’ll keep up with her. Thanks for coming, guys.” She gives Kellan a hug.
 

“Tiff!” I wave to her sitting in the living room with a glass of wine. No surprise.
 

I plop down next to her. “Where’s Taylor?”

“Out on a date.”

“Oh?” On Valentine’s Day. She’s observing everyone around her, her mouth wide and her teeth the center of my attention. Even though Taylor isn’t her boyfriend, I can’t imagine she is happy about him spending such a day with another woman.

“It’s fine.” She holds the stem of her glass and accepts more when Clark passes by to offer some. “We’re actually not together anymore. We never really were.”

“I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be. We weren’t a thing.”

How can she say they weren’t “a thing?” By my standards, if you’re sharing a bed with someone, you’re together more than you realize. Maybe I’m old-fashioned that way. I can’t comprehend devoting yourself so completely without some sort of a commitment.

She pulls her shoulders back and raises her head. “I’m seeing someone, too, actually.”

My eyes pop and I catch a breath in my throat. I last saw Tiffany over a month ago, but I didn’t think so much changed in that little bit of time. Of course, my relationship with Kellan is proof that’s an incorrect assumption.
 

“You’re dating Kellan, I hear, which is awesome.”
 

I want to ask her about this mystery guy, but she beat me to the punch with the relationship quiz.

“It is. I’m very happy.” He’s across the room and has caught up with Mona. My biological clock rushes forward a few hours when he picks her up, twirling her around. Her giggles fill the room and her love for her uncle is written all over her face.
 

“So you’re seeing someone?” Tiffany’s silence is the perfect time to jump in and get the 4-1-1. “Anyone I know?” My social circle doesn’t run deep, but I still know my fair share of people, even if I don’t converse with them on a friendship level.
 

“Actually, I met him a few weeks ago. His name is Max and he owns a comic book store. I haven’t even introduced him to Taylor yet.”

“Will that be weird?” I press my body into the couch as I swing my leg up under my knee.
 

“No. Not at all. We’re best friends. I’m happy for him and he’s happy for me.”

I admire their relationship. They’ve been so intimate and take no issue with dating other people. She is so easy going. I love her.

I enjoy a glass of wine with her before Kellan joins us on the couch for presents. Watching a one-year old open presents takes a long time, but her reactions are so sweet. We’re just finishing up the last gift when Kellan’s phone rings.

“Excuse me. I need to take this.” He kisses my cheek as he presses the answer button on his phone and heads to the kitchen.

I hope he isn’t called into work. He normally doesn’t work on Saturdays, but with snow falling outside, that sometimes means all hands on deck. I’m anxious to my first real Valentine’s Day dinner.
 

Five minutes pass and he hasn’t returned to the party. I excuse myself and wobble through the mess of wrapping paper, half-opened boxes, and gift bags. I find him still in the kitchen, chatting on the phone, a grin from ear to ear. “Sounds great. I’ll see you then.” He hangs up his phone and leans against the counter, his gaze drifting into wonderland.

“Good news?” I startle him when I approach.

“Oh, Kate, sorry about that. Yeah.” He nods and slides his phone into his pocket. “Good news.”

“Great. What is it?”

His smile fades and my stomach drops as I realize this is good news for him, not so good for me. What could be so exciting to bring such a huge smile, but wipe it off the minute I ask for details?
 

“Why don’t you sit down?” He motions to the stool by the island.
 

“No, I’m fine.” Sitting down isn’t good. That means something bad is going to happen and maybe if I don’t sit, it won’t be bad.

My patience is thinning as he breathes in deeply, hanging his head. Why won’t he look at me? I want to yell at him to spit out the words, but I don’t want to push him. If this is something requiring him a few moments to gather his thoughts. I’ll let him.

“A couple months ago I applied for some jobs.”

So? What’s the big deal in that? A lot of people leave their positions for new ones. I don’t know what opportunity another station can provide other than money, but if that’s what he’s searching for, he should do what he needs to do.

“Okay.” I shrug. “People do that all the time.”

“Yes, they do, but my agenda was a little different. I’m not after added responsibility or a higher income. I wanted to escape.”

“Escape?” He lifts his head long enough to meet my gaze, and drops it again. He’s ashamed.
 

“The jobs are all out of state. Places Macy never wanted to live, places she would refuse to go.”

“Oh.” That’s a pretty bold move to end a relationship without having to say the words. Accept a job across the country, your fiancée refuses to go, therefore, you break up. “I guess you never intended to go through with the wedding.”

“No, I didn’t. And I went on a few interviews and didn’t hear back. Now this station in North Carolina wants me to come back for another interview.”

“Well, that’s great news, right?” I’m on Macy’s side with this one. If he wants to leave, then he can. I’m not moving. At least not at this point in our relationship. We only just got together, and while I care about him
so
much, we’ve never discussed marriage and we’re not even close to engaged. “You’re going then?”

“Yeah.”

I’m getting ahead of myself anyway. He didn’t
ask
me to move with him. He applied for these jobs under the pretense of ending a relationship, one that is now over. Now he’s with me, and he
still
wants to pursue this? I should have known better than to put my heart in harm’s way. I’m not meant to be happy, not romantically anyway. I’m not moving. And I’m not standing in his way. “That’s wonderful. Congratulations.”

He pushes off the counter and I think he wants to embrace me. If this is ending, we might as well end it now. I turn around, but he grabs my elbow before I can walk away. “Where are you going?”

I don’t know. He drove here, and I live a little too far to walk. I can’t stay here with him. My chest is tightening and I’m fighting back tears. “Anywhere but here.”

“So what, it’s over? I don’t even have the job. I haven’t even gone on the
interview
.”

“But you’re intent isn’t to stay here. Let’s cut our losses before it’s too late. It will only cause more pain when you leave if we wait. We should end this, before we fall anymore.” But I don’t think that’s possible. I’m completely in love with him. I don’t think it’s possible to love him anymore than I already do. I have to try and start the process of falling out of love.

I attempt to release from his grip, but he pulls me closer. “I care about you so much and I don’t want to lose you.” His arms are now wrapped around me tightly and he presses his lips to the top of my head. His breathing is heavy and uncontrolled. “I’ll call them back and tell them forget it.”

“No.” I shove him away. “I won’t be the reason you don’t follow your dreams. Go. See what’s in North Carolina for you. This is a big opportunity and you shouldn’t pass it up.”

"So you can walk away, just like that?" He raises his voice, though not loud enough for people in the other room to hear. Anyone could walk in here any minute. The cake with pastel pink frosting is sitting on the counter feet away from me. The party guests don’t need to walk into this.

I cross my arm over my chest and rest my hand on the nape of my neck. I try to knead the frustration away, but the stiffness is here to stay. ”If this interview goes well — and I’m sure it will — and you are offered a job, are you going to turn it down?”

“I—“

“Not for me, you're not. I
do
care about you, and that's why I want you to go and charm their pants off. If this is what you want, what you
truly
want, you should go for it. I know what it's like to start over, and it's not easy, but, sometimes, it's the best thing for you." I’m choking on my words, my regret caught in my throat.

"Kate, I don't even know if I have the job. Let me go on the interview first. How can you walk away when I may not even make it past the interview process? And even if I do get it, we can do this long-distance.”

“No, we can’t. I’m not having a relationship with my phone. You’re going because I’m not going to be the reason you don’t follow through. You want this, Kellan. If you didn’t, you would have told whoever it was on the phone ‘No, thank you’ and moved on. Do this. For you."

He backs up into the counter again, gripping the laminate so tight his knuckles start to turn white. The way he’s biting the inside of his cheek I know he’s processing what I said. He has to know I’m right.
 

“Are you sure about this?”

No!
I want to be with him more than anything. I’m not being a roadblock though. "I'll ask Tiffany is she can take me home."

"I can take you." He bounces off the counter. “Please, let me take you."

"No. Let's make a clean break right now." And now no matter how much I try to push them back in, the tears fight their way out. “I’ll grab my coat. Can you please ask Tiffany and have her meet me outside?" I’m sobbing as Kellan nods, debating whether or not to hold me. He can’t. His touch will only confuse me.

He exits the room to talk with Tiffany. I bury my face in my hands, sucking in the tears, trying my best not to make any noise. My heart just shattered into a million pieces. I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to pick it back up.
 

••••••••••

"Want to talk about what happened?”

Tiffany breaks the silence on the way back to my condo. I can’t believe forty minutes ago I was beaming to her about my relationship with Kellan, and now she’s driving me home after our breakup.
 

"No, that's okay. There's not really much to discuss.” My eyes are dried out from crying, and I don’t want to sit and rehash the entire conversation.

"I'm a little confused because I thought you two were together. Now, suddenly, you’re not. Who was on the phone? Was it Macy?”

I cringe at the name. “No.” We pass Target so we’re about six minutes away. Good. I can’t wait to get out of this car. I think I may throw up.

“Hm. When I’m sad, I like to listen to the New Kids on the Block.”

“What?” She pulls a smile out of me. I can’t be upset around her. Even when she’s not smiling on purpose, she still is. I’ve heard of Resting Bitch Face. She has Resting Happy Face. Her presence is warm, and I appreciate her for that.
 

She taps her phone and swipes to her New Kids selections. “Please Don’t Go Girl” comes on first when she selects the shuffle option. Joey was always my favorite. Such a cute boy with a sweet voice. Tiffany belts out the chorus, and I lose it. In a matter of seconds I’m coughing out tears.

We’re only two minutes away, but she pulls over. “Kate, Kate, settle down.” I’m close to hyperventilating. “Take a deep breath.” She rubs her hand up and down my back. “Breathe, breathe.” She says the words until she’s whispering them. “Let’s talk about it. Tell me.”

I take a minute to compose myself. She doesn’t rush me to tell her, instead remaining patiently silent until I’m settled enough to fill her in. I can only speak in quick phrases or I’ll cry again. “At the party. He got a phone call. A station in North Carolina. He wants to interview.”

“Okay?”
 

Of course she’s confused. I can’t hold myself together long enough to give her all of the information. “If he’s offered a job, he’ll move.”

“Will he? Just because they extend an offer doesn’t mean he’ll accept it.”

“The fact that he’s going … or wants to go … he applied when he was trying to escape his engagement.”

“Do you think he’s not committed to you?”

I shake my head. “No. I think he is, enough so that I really think he’d pass up the opportunity in order to stay with me.”

She drops her hand off my back and rests it on the console. “So what? Isn’t that what you want?”

“No.”

“You don’t want to be with him?”

“Yes, I do.”

She throws her hands in the air. “I’m so confused.”

Queen of Confusion, that’s me, because Kellan didn’t understand, either. I cock my head as a single tear falls from my eye. “I don’t want him to resent me. I’ve done that before. My last relationship ended because of regret. I wanted nothing more than to move out of this state and pursue something else, but I stayed because of my ex. I never forgave myself.” I interlace my fingers and rub the skin so hard the dryness starts to flake off. “I can’t take the risk Kellan will blame me for not following his dreams.”