Spill Over (26 page)

Her yawn is wide as she stretches her thin arms over her head. “I’m going to bed.”

I stand. And now that I’m standing, she’s looking at me like I might join her.

The door opens
,
and Dad steps in.

Hélèna
scoots off the couch and takes the few steps to my door. I follow, not wanting her to feel bad, but having no idea how to
keep my distance without getting into a big conversation about the girl who might or might not be my girlfriend
.

“Are you joining me?” she whispers. Her fingers slide from the center of
my chest to the top of my pants, sending a shiver through my spine.

“I can’t.”
And the insane thing is that I don’t want to. Since the first time I was with
Hélèna
, I always knew I’d jump at any chance she gave me, and I’m turning her down. In a big way. After she traveled so far so come see me.

“If you change your mind.” She tries to give me her flirtatious smirk, but there’s more depth there than I expected from her. She leans up and kisses me softly on one cheek and then the other, and with a bigger smile, back to the first.

“Bonsoir.”

“Bonsoir,” I whisper back.

The door closes between us
,
and
I stand in the hallway like a moron
.
             

“Come join me on deck.” Dad
steps up the stairs he just came down.

And for once, I’m actually looking forward to sitting with him and talking a bit. A
nything is better than standing
alone in the tiny hallway.

I sit on the opposite side of the table from him, a glass already waiting.

“
Those two girls are sort of like the two different parts of your life, aren’t they?”
His voice is quiet, just loud enough for me to hear.

“I guess they are.”
That’s exactly it.
Hélèna
represents everything I love about being a ri
ch kid from New York. Amber is…
well,
she’s definitely not the kind of girl I would have bothered dating before coming here. Too much trouble. Too much work for not enough pay-off. The sick tearing apart feeling I get in my gut when I think about Mom hits me. She’d love Amber. She’d love that Amber was making me work for her. Hard.
And I’m loving it.

Mom wanted me here as much to learn stuff like this as she wanted her assignment.

“I get why Mom wanted me here,” I say.
“She didn’t just dump me.”

Dad’s head snaps toward me. “
Of course she didn’t dump you.”

We both take a
drink and sit in silence. It’s obvious to him, because he wasn’t the one left behind.

“Why do
you
think she wanted you here
?”

It feels so weird to be having a real conversat
ion with someone who isn’t Mom…
or well, Amber.
“
To get to know you a little.”

“And have you?” he asks.

I shrug. “I don’t know.” My eyes meet his. “Yeah. I kind of understand why you live on a boat.”

He chuckles softly.

“
We both write
.”
That’s something we share. Just about the only thing, except for being crazy about a girl a few boats down.

“You’re a deep thinker.
I
t comes out in your writing.”

“Thanks.”

“Why else?”

“What?”

“Why else do you think she wanted you here?”

“
She was always worried that I got things too easily, and I’d point out how long I had to plead and how hard I had to work in school for her to take me to Paris for Christmas.” I chuckle, but don’t really mean it because it hurts too much to talk about Mom.

Dad nods. “She may have mentioned that on the phone.”

I think they talked more than I imagined.
“You two got along.”

He scratches his head. “We got along as soon as we decided we didn’t get along well enough to live together.”

“Oh, well, that’s nice.” I hope he catches the sarcasm in my voice.

“Your mom and I got along great. W
e actually talked pretty often.”

“You miss her, too.” The words dig and claw at me and I wish them unsaid as soon as they come out.

“I do.” Dad touches a corner of his eye with a finger.

I can’t sit here while he cries about Mom. I can’t. My legs shove me to standing. “I’m gon
na..
.”

“Antony, I can’t tell you what to do, but if you keep running from this,
from your mom or from what you’re feeling. I
t’s all going to come crashing down.”

“I’m not running.” I’m pushing it down. Away.

“Anything else you want to talk about?”

The question pushes up my throat. “Why did you leave, Dad
? I was three. I never knew you.
I only kind of know you now. Why did you leave?”

“Sit.” He gestures. “Just
for a sec.”

I do as he asks.

“Because I mess
ed up. I never liked New York, and so few people make
it i
n what your mother was trying to do. Before you were born even, we were more like friends than anything else.
We were determined to stick together, maybe longer than we should have.
”

“But why didn’t you stick around, even after you split?”
Was I not worth sticking around for?

“That’s the part I
mess
ed up
, Antony
.
” Dad pauses for so long, I start to think he won’t continue.
“
Once I left, I felt disconnected from you. Even at three you were so much like y
our Mom. I’m a bit of a recluse. I don’t keep many friends.
Liv was the opposite. It intimidated me, scared me,
and made
me feel like I’d never be the kind of dad you deserved.”

“But I did deserve a dad.”
My heart’s pounding hard. Too hard.

“I’m sorry. There’s no excuse. I should have tried harder, and made sure I saw you more. Once you start
ed pushing away from me, I
let it happen.”

I nod. I don’t understand. Not really. But at least he’s not trying to push any bullshit.

“I love you, Antony. I hope you know that.” His eyes are intent over the table.

“Yeah.” I stand again. “Thanks.” I’m more resigned than anything at this point. It is what it is. At least we get along.

I step down into the boat and flop on the sofa
, exhausted
from the girls, exhausted from D
ad
,
and unable to keep track of anything else in my head
.

Twenty

“Morning sleepyhead.”
Hélèna
tugs at my toe.

I roll onto my back and smile up at her. She really is pretty. She has the most beautiful olive skin and doe eyes, and she doesn’t know how to dress in any way but hot.

“Walk with me to get coffee.”

I rub my face a few times. “Sure.” This is where I have to just tell her what’s going on, right? I’m still skeptical. Honesty is what made Amber afraid of me
,
and right now I’m
pretty damn
sure it’s what’s going to make
Hélèna
pissed at me.

I slept in my clothes, and don’t even bother to change or get rid of my morning breath. No way I’ll be kissing anyone
anytime soon, so it doesn’t much matter
. I help
Hélèna
off the boat in silence.

She takes my arm as we walk up the street.
The spring day is already warm and sunny, and it wouldn’t be so bad here if it was like this instead of raining more often.

“It’s so weird to see you in a place like this.” She giggles and squeezes my bicep.

“It’s weird being here,” I admit.

“So, something’s up. And I need to know what it is.”

Just then Amber steps out of the coffee shop. Her face falls. Her eyes go from me to the girl on my arm.
I start to pull away, but Hélèna clutches her arm. “Jumping away will make you look more guilty,” she whispers.

Relax. Be normal. Relax.
“Hey, Amber
. W
hy don’t you join us?”
I’m an ass.

“I’m finished. Enjoy your coffee.” Her face is hard, flat, completely unreadable. And I’d try to read her eyes, but she’s moving away from us as fast as she can. I
step toward her as she passes
, but
Hélèna
still
holds my arm.

“What will you say?”
she whispers.

“I don’t know.”

“Then let her go
,
or you’ll screw it up.”

I sigh and watch Amber walk away for another moment. Why can’t I run after her, throw my arms around her
,
and make it all perf
ect? Why can’t that be enough?

“Let’s talk, and then you can go get the girl you want.”
Hélèna
steps away from me and into the café.

I stand outside like a schmuck for a moment
, undecided
. When I step in, she’s sitting.

“I ordered yours.”

“Thanks
.”

“So, how long have you been in love with that
girl?” H
er large brown eyes hold me locked in.

“I don’t—
”

“Don’t lie. If you’re about to tell me you’re not in love with her then it’s because you
’re lying or
just haven’t realized it yet.”

Now I stare at the table. Our coffees are dropped off, and I think I manage a nod to the waiter.

“I miss my mom
so much that it feels like I’ll cave in. When I’m around her, I don’t feel it as much. I tell her crap I don’t tell anyone, and it just comes out of me.” I take a
drink, forcing my eyes
off
Hélèna
.

She sighs
. H
er full lips are soft
. “Too bad.
I was looking forward to a little fun with you.”

“
Sorry.
I just—
”

“Can’t.” She re-crosses her legs and leans back in her chair. “I’m too old for you anyway.”

“Whatever.” I chuckle.

“Arnaud asked me to marry him.”

I spi
t coffee on the table. “He’s your uncle!”

She laughs. “He’s not really my uncle silly, and he’s only ten years older.”

I knew he was younger than my mom, but still.
“I thought he was older than that.” Arnaud and
Hélèna
… “So, what’s the problem?”

“Marriage, the whole thought of it is so…” She
shudders
and stares out the window.

“But you two half live together, don’t you? I mean, you’
re half-
way there.”

“Who are you, and what have you done with my friend, Antony?”
She chuckles.

I laugh. “Same guy.”

“
No.” She shakes her head. “You’
re not the same guy. But one word and I’d stay here, with you.” Her voice trails off in a whisper.

“You don’t want me. I’m a mess.”
I don’t want
Hélèna
to want me. That would mean I have choices. Real choices that mean something, and one’s angry at me, and the other isn’t.
The really, really selfish part of me wants to take advantage of that. But not at the risk of losing Amber. And really, as I look at Hélèna, I wouldn’t want to risk making her feel bad, either. I
have
changed.

“I’d take you.”

Her words make my chest sink. I don’t want her to want me like this.
“Arnaud is crazy, but he’s a good man, and I think you love him.”

“I love you both.”

Shit.
My chest drops. This is not what I want. This is the girl who I’ve wanted in some kind of real way since we first got together. Since that first night at Arnaud’s house.

“But you love that sweet girl with the long legs.” She
attempts a smile
.
I think this is the most emotion I’ve ever seen from her.