Spiral of Bliss 01 Arouse (29 page)

Shivering, I ring the bell and wait. She pulls open the door.

“Liv? What are you doing here?”

“Sorry, Kels, I tried to call.” Part of me notices that she’s wearing some expensive silk pants and a flowy tunic kind of thing.

She looks at my duffle bag and frowns. I don’t have to say anything else. At least, not now. She knows.

“Get in here.” She gestures me into the foyer.

I drop my bag on the floor and unbutton my coat, then stop. I sniff. “Is that
incense
?”

To my shock—and unexpected but welcome amusement—Kelsey actually flushes a little. I peer around her shoulder at the living room, where the lights are low and several sticks of incense glow in a special holder. Classical music drifts from the speakers. Then I see a guy sitting on the sofa with a glass of wine in his hand.

I duck back into the foyer and whisper, “Oh shit, Kelsey, I’m sorry. You’re on a date.”

She waves her hand in dismissal. “Never mind. He’s been after me for months. He can wait a little longer.”

“I’m not going to ruin your evening.” I reach for the door handle, but she snaps the lock shut and gives me a stern look.

“No, you are not,” she replies, then grabs my arm and marches me into the kitchen. “But you are going to tell me what the hell happened. Wait here.”

She shoves me onto a barstool at the counter and disappears into the living room. The front door closes. When she returns, she’s carrying two glasses of wine.

“What about your date?” I ask.

“I sent him home. I’ll deal with him later.” She deposits a glass of wine in front of me. “Now talk.”

I can’t talk because the tears are choking my throat again. I swallow some wine. “You first. Who is he? Why didn’t you tell me you had a date tonight?”

“His name is Adam, he’s an engineer at SciTech, and we met when I went over to talk to them about a new computer modeling program. He’s totally not my type, but like I said, the guy’s persistent so finally I agreed to give him a chance. And he did bring good wine.”

She takes a sip and nods in approval.

“Why is he not your type?” I ask.

“Oh, you know.” She waves a hand like she’s swatting at a fly. “Conservative, conventional. But this is not about—”

She stops as a loud banging rattles the front door.

“And here comes the Incredible Hunk.” Kelsey rolls her eyes and indicates I should stay seated as she slides off the stool. “He sounds pissed.”

Although I feel like a coward for letting her contend with Dean alone, I know she can handle him better than I can right now. His angry voice comes through the door, which I assume Kelsey has wisely not opened with the expectation that he would crash through.

My cell phone rings. I don’t answer it. The front door bangs again, hard enough to shake the hinges. I gather a breath and go to the foyer, where Kelsey is standing with one hand on the doorknob and the other on her hip.

“Let him in, Kelsey, or your neighbors are going to call the police.”

“I’m not letting him in.” She holds out her hand. “Give me your cell.”

I pull my phone from my pocket and give it to her. She dials a number and waits, tapping her foot impatiently. The thumping on the door stops.

“Dean, shut the fuck up, okay?” Kelsey snaps into the phone. “I’m not letting you in. Liv is here, she’s safe, and you both need to cool down before you talk. Got it? So quit banging on my goddamn door like you’re storming a castle. Go home, take a cold shower, have a drink, and call Liv tomorrow.”

I can hear Dean’s angry voice through the phone, but can’t make out what he’s saying.

Kelsey gives a long-suffering sigh. “Dean, I’m not unlocking the door. Liv doesn’t want to talk to you right now. And if you don’t leave her alone, I’ll call the cops. Don’t think I won’t. How do you think the university will react when they hear that distinguished Professor West was arrested for acting like an ass?”

He’s still yelling at her, but Kelsey ends the call and hands me the phone. “Keep it off. Let him yell at voicemail.”

She puts a hand on my shoulder and steers me back to the kitchen. We both wait a few minutes, but there’s no more noise. Kelsey pushes my wineglass back in front of me as we sit down at the counter again.

“God, now we all need a drink,” she mutters, downing half her wine in one swallow. “How’d he know you were here?”

“Probably an educated guess when he realized I’d taken his car.”

“Okay. So talk to me, Liv.” Kelsey stares at me from behind her glasses, as if knowing I have no defense against her penetrating blue gaze.

Which I absolutely do not.

With a groan, I cross my arms on the counter and thunk my head against them. “Oh, Kelsey, I fucked things up bad.”

Admitting it to her makes my tears swell like a tidal wave. All the pain and anger of the past few weeks boils up inside me. I start sobbing so hard that I can’t hear what Kelsey is saying, but she stays beside me, stroking my back and letting me cry.

When the tears finally ease a little, I lift my head and swipe at my eyes.

Kelsey hands me a tissue. “Don’t get snot on my counter.”

“Sorry.” I scrub at my cheeks and blow my nose.

Kelsey props her chin on her hand. “So you kissed another man.”

“Yeah. Big mistake, obviously.”

“Dean said you liked it.”

I look at her. “He told you that?”

“You’re surprised? You told
him
that, apparently.”

I groan and bury my face in my hands. “You know how bad things were, Kelsey. I was… I don’t know. The whole thing was so screwed up, and then with the pregnancy scare… Dean’s the only one I ever wanted, and then we had this big fight… and Tyler was just
there
. He was nice and he liked me and it was so simple compared to the mess going on with Dean.”

I gulp down another wave of sobs.

“He’s cute, too,” Kelsey says.

“What?”

“Tyler. The chef.” Kelsey takes another sip of wine. “Not all hunky and masculine like Dean, but adorable. Can’t say I blame you for wanting to kiss him.”

“Kelsey, you’re not helping.”

“I’m not trying to. I’m telling you the truth.” She sets her glass down and looks at me. “So you told Dean, and he’s still pissed.”

I nod and rub my finger over a line in the granite countertop. I can’t tell Kelsey anything else. Not about how Dean is the only person who has made me feel safe, protected, and unconditionally loved… until now.

I can’t tell her that our recent troubles have tilted my entire world off its axis. I can’t tell her that for the past four months, I’ve been terrified. That I haven’t been so scared in years.

“Why did you leave him?” Kelsey asks. “What did he say?”

“He won’t let it go,” I admit. “You saw how he acted at the art fair, like he was ready to beat Tyler into the floor. He’s still so mad. And I don’t know what to do to make it go away.”

“So he’s not so much upset about the actual kiss as the fact that you liked it,” Kelsey says. “Well, he’s a guy. You’re his woman. I can see how that’d be a hard blow to his ego. I’m sure he’s entirely forgotten that he’s capable of being attracted to other women.”

“I don’t think he’s forgotten that. He just wouldn’t act on it.”

Kelsey leans her head on her hand and narrows her gaze. “Look, Liv, you made a mistake. You admitted it. You’re sorry. You’ve tried to make it right. And frankly, I think you’ve done all you can.”

“You do?”

“Yeah. The ball’s in his court.” She pours more wine into her glass. “Dean is older and more experienced than you. A
lot
more experienced. He’s known other women. He knows you. He just hasn’t grasped yet that you needed to feel something for another guy to realize just how much you love
him
.”

I stare at the light reflecting off the wineglass.

“I don’t think he’ll ever understand that,” I say. “I barely understand it myself.”

“Look. Dean’s had a lot of girlfriends. A lot of experience with women. He’s been loved, he’s loved them. He’s been hurt, he’s hurt them. He had all the highs and lows before he met you. So since meeting you, he’s never looked back. He never had to. He knew you were the one for him, and that was it.”

Kelsey swivels around to face me.

“You, on the other hand,” she says, “were totally thrown off by Dean’s reluctance about a baby.”

Not to mention his revelation about his ex-wife.
I don’t know if he would ever tell Kelsey about that. I certainly won’t.

“It’s no surprise you started doubting both Dean and your marriage,” she continues. “It’s no surprise you started wondering what it might have been like with another man.”

“I didn’t wonder…” My heart plummets. “Oh, hell.”

Kelsey’s mouth curves in triumph. “It’s okay, Liv. Dean’s never had to wonder about other women because he went through it all before he met you. You didn’t. And this whole recent fuck-up just meant you had to figure out
now
what Dean already knows.”

“God, Kelsey.” I rest my head in my hands. “Why aren’t you a psychologist?”

“Because my friends are the only people I give a damn about.”

She collects our glasses and heads to the sink. I’m quiet for a minute as I try to process everything she’s said.

“Will you please explain all that to Dean?” I ask.

“Hah.” Kelsey rolls her eyes again. “He’s a man. He’ll give me a blank stare, tell me I’m full of shit, then go off to pummel a punching bag.”

“So what am I supposed to do?”

She squeezes my shoulder. “Don’t worry. He’ll get it sooner or later.”

I’m not so sure of that. Fatigue settles hard in my bones.

“Is it okay if I stay here awhile?” I ask. “Just a day or… a year or so.”

She smiles. “You know you can stay as long as you need to. I even have a quilt you can use.”

She brushes her hand over my very tangled hair. “It’ll be okay, Liv. And you know I love Dean, but this mess is his fault too. You’ve done what you can, and if your husband doesn’t get his shit together fast, I’m coming down on him like an anvil.”

The following day there’s one message on my phone from Dean. His voice is tense.
“Liv, this is between us, not Kelsey. You tell me when you want to talk.”

I don’t call him back right away because I don’t yet know what to say, but I listen to the message three times. Dean probably doesn’t even realize how those two sentences encompass so much.

Everything we’ve ever been through has only been between us. And once again, Dean is giving
me
the choice of determining what happens next.

After having breakfast with Kelsey, who thankfully does not mention Dean, I head to the bookstore for the Sunday morning shift. Allie is busy planning a kids’ holiday and cookie-decorating party.

“I thought we could also have some craft stations where kids can make menorahs and Christmas ornaments and stuff,” she says as she peers at the computer. “Then we’ll have storytime, of course, and I’ll put up a display of holiday books. Think you can advertise this at the Historical Museum? Like if you get some school tour groups?”

“Sure. I’ll print out flyers and bring them with me tomorrow.”

Allie glances at me as I straighten the boxed calendars in front of the counter. “You okay?”

“Fine. Why?”

“You look kind of tired.”

“Oh, just holiday stress or whatever.” I wave my hand dismissively.

“Sure that’s all it is?” Her eyes narrow behind her purple-framed glasses.

“Yeah.” Her scrutiny makes me uneasy. “Why?”

“I was wondering if you’re… you know.” Her voice lowers to a loud whisper. “Preggers.”

Shock bolts through me so fast I grab the edge of the counter to steady myself. “What?”

“Well, remember we were talking about having kids?” Allie says. “And I’ve seen you looking at the pregnancy books. I figured you and Professor Hottie were trying to get pregnant.” She tosses me a grin. “God knows I’d be trying three times a day if he were involved.”

There’s a lump in my throat. I can’t even respond. Dean and I haven’t talked about the idea of a baby for weeks. The topic has disappeared into the mess of everything else.

“No,” I finally manage. “I’m not pregnant.”

“Oh.” Allie stares at me. “Oh shit, Liv, did I put my foot in it? You’re not having fertility issues, are you? Because my sister had to take these shots for a while, but you know, now she has
three
kids and they drive her crazy but they’re all adorable and perfect and she and her husband are happier than ever.”

I laugh, even as tears sting my eyes suddenly. I go around the counter and give Allie a big hug, which she returns with a hint of puzzlement.

“What’s this for?” she asks.

“I don’t know. I’m just really glad you’re my friend.”

She smiles, pleased. “Thanks. You’re pretty great too. Now get back to work before I ask you to the prom.”

“Hey, speaking of dating, how’s it going with Brent?” I ask.

“Really well,” Allie says. “He even invited me to visit his parents on Christmas Day. They live down in Rainwood, so we’re going to see my dad in the morning and Brent’s parents in the afternoon.”

“Where does your dad live?”