Spirit Bound (34 page)

Judith knew they were all making sense but . . . She swept her hand through her hair. “I feel whole when I’m with Thomas. Not because I need a man to see myself, it isn’t that. It’s because somehow he can handle intense emotion, good or bad, and the intensity doesn’t seem to affect him, at least not adversely. I’m unafraid when I’m with him. Of myself. Of my power.”

She pressed her thumb deep into the center of her left palm. “He makes me laugh. And I feel beautiful when I’m with him, even with no makeup and in my jeans and T-shirt. I can’t say he’s exactly handsome, but he’s all man and very compelling. I think he’s the hottest man I’ve ever met.”

She made the confession fast, the words tumbling over one another. She hadn’t said
soul mate
but she felt that way. She didn’t know if she’d ever talk to him again, didn’t know how to feel about what had transpired between him and Levi. But that didn’t negate the truth of her words.

“Wow.” Airiana said it for all of them, a little stunned.

Judith nodded. “
Exactly.
The first time I laid eyes on him, he took my breath away. He was standing in the shadows and I swear the earth moved when our eyes met. I knew. Right then I knew it was him and it was always supposed to be him.”

She rubbed her hands together and pushed her thumb harder into her palm, the gesture somehow soothing. “I know it’s not supposed to happen like that, but it did. I had no idea in my head of meeting anyone. I was late and I was hurrying and then I looked up and it was like he came inside my mind and filled up every single lonely place inside me. I shouldn’t trust it, intellectually I know I shouldn’t, but I can’t seem to resist him.”

“It can happen that way,” Blythe said. “And maybe he was meant for you, just like you say, soul mates, but Judith.” She leaned close, her gaze intent. “Honey, that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t be cautious. I know from firsthand experience, that even if every single part of you knows with absolute certainty, that he should be the one, that he
is
the one, it doesn’t always work out as it should.”

“When I’m with him I’m not afraid of myself and I feel as if he sees me. He can see inside of me and he isn’t afraid of my power,” Judith blurted, wanting all of them to understand, but especially Blythe. It was important Blythe understood, because, God help her, if she saw Thomas again, she was afraid she would fall right off that cliff all over again. If all of them thought she was crazy and told her so, she would still fall.

Her eyes met Blythe’s in a kind of agony of need. She
needed
her to understand. These women in this room with her were the people she loved, her family—all she had left in the world. If she was making a terrible mistake they would love her enough to tell her, but she didn’t know if she had the strength to resist him if he came to her again.

“Just go slow, baby,” Lissa said. “Let us meet him.”

“Blythe met him,” Judith defended quickly, and then felt silly. She bit her lip. “Okay, see? See how I am? And even if he’s everything he seems to be, the perfect man for me, what about Jean-Claude? I know what Jean-Claude is capable of and is it right for me to put Thomas in danger? Jonas told me that there were pictures of Thomas with me already sent to the prison.”

“Then it’s too late to worry about that, isn’t it?” Lissa said. “Tell your Thomas the truth and let him decide whether he wants to take the chance or not. You can only be responsible for yourself and your decisions, Judith. Thomas has to be responsible for his, and Jean-Claude owns his own sins.”

“You make it sound so easy when it really is complicated,” Judith said.

“Because you’re afraid,” Rikki said, shocking Judith.

Rikki shrugged and set her cold teacup down. “I know you are because I was. It’s very scary to let another man into your life, but you know you’re also bringing him into our lives as well. This is our home. Would he fit in here? Would he contribute and love this place and all of us? Even when the relationship is brand-new, when you know your life is going to be different, complicated and you’re going to be the one to complicate everyone else’s life as well, it’s terrifying.”

“So true,” Judith admitted. “And I’m a coward. I don’t want to get hurt. When I figured out what Jean-Claude was, I realized I loved the illusion, not the man. He was all wrapped up in my love of art, the romantic idea of Paris and I was all caught up in the fantasy. Thomas is real to me and even though I haven’t known him long at all, I’ve been in his mind and I
feel
him inside of me. I’ve been inside of him and we fit. If he breaks my heart, I’m afraid I won’t be able to put myself back together again.” Her eyes met Blythe’s.

Blythe nodded, her eyes swimming with tears. “I understand, Judith. Take it slow. Be sure he’s the man your heart tells you he is.”

14

JUDITH’S
heart leapt as a hard hand clapped over her mouth. Her eyes snapped open and she stared at the familiar face peering down at her. Her heart settled into an accelerated rhythm and something deep inside melted into a soft liquid welcome before she could control herself.

“You didn’t answer my calls.”

Thomas didn’t lift his hand so she only nodded, drinking him in. His hair spilled onto his forehead, disheveled and so attractive. She wanted to touch it, to push it back for him, to feel the silky texture on her fingertips. She could barely breathe—and it had nothing to do with the fact that his hand lay over her lips.

“It’s been four very long days. You don’t get to hide in your house, behind the gate and security system and avoid what happened between us.”

That was
exactly
what she was doing, but he should be at least considering that she might be avoiding him because she was aware he knew Levi. He obviously was more than just Thomas Vincent, the businessman. Righteous indignation glittered in her eyes as she glared at him.

He removed his hand carefully, as if she might snap at him with her teeth. The idea did occur to her, but she figured biting him would be undignified.

“I had the security system turned on. Apparently it’s quite useless.” Feeling suddenly very vulnerable, very aware of her body beneath her perfectly adequate and not in the least sexy pajamas, she sat up, pulling the sheet to her chin. “What is the point of a very expensive security system if it doesn’t keep everyone out?”

She gave a little indignant sniff. Did he have to be so incredibly compelling with those amazing eyes and his rakish scars and solid muscle
everywhere
? She was angry at him with good reason and worse, afraid of what he could do to her. She had to stop reacting to him. Her heart refused to obey, pounding until she could hear the beat thundering in ears. Her veins coursed with hot hunger, rushing through her like a runaway train. She hated the happiness blossoming in her no matter that she tried to squash it. He had come to her.

“Your security system is adequate, and it’s not meant to keep me out.”

Judith tasted passion. She knew she was drinking him in with her eyes, devouring him, when she should just push him away, scream, do something to save herself. “Leave, Thomas.”

His eyes changed to piercing aquamarine, vivid and brilliant. She saw the darkness rush over him, obliterating every color of his aura until he was nothing but a shadow. Her breath caught in her lungs, fingers digging into the sheet for an anchor.

“My name is Stefan. Stefan Prakenskii. Levi is my brother.”

He made the confession in a low tone, his gaze holding hers captive. She couldn’t look away from him, mesmerized by the sheer power she saw there. This man was no businessman. The aura surrounding him pulsed with danger. For a moment she thought she hadn’t heard him right. She knew Levi’s life was shrouded in secrecy and that he was a very dangerous man. Now the glimpses into Thomas’s—no, Stefan’s memories made more sense. She shook her head, but no sound could escape her closed throat.

“I couldn’t tell you the truth and put his life in danger. In any case, Judith, you would have shut down immediately and closed me out. There’s a retirement order out on him and an exterminator is in Sea Haven.”

He touched the scratch on his jaw that was already healing. “I ran into the assassin the night you showed me the gallery. He’s been here awhile. I had to come to Sea Haven and find Levi. I knew he was alive and I wasn’t going to let anyone kill him. Once I realized you were the woman I wanted to spend the rest of my life with, that my emotions were very real, I wanted to tell you the truth. But I couldn’t risk his life, not until I had talked to him first. I hope you can understand.”

Judith pressed her lips together, afraid of saying the wrong thing. She didn’t know what to feel. She had fallen off a cliff with this man, built dreams, let go of her tight control on herself and now she had no idea who he really was. Unconsciously she shook her head.

“Don’t do that. Don’t close down on me, Judith. You would do the same for any one of your sisters and you know it. Levi knows I’m talking to you. You can call him and confirm everything I’m saying. Ivanov hunted him once already and he’ll never stop. Never. He’ll hope I can lead him to Levi and then he’ll kill us both if he gets the chance.”

“You have to tell Jonas.”

Something lethal flashed in his eyes, a brief flare of emotion that frightened her. “Your solution is always this man Jonas. He’s not in Ivanov’s league, Judith. Believe me, I know killers. Jonas might be very good at what he does, but he’s hampered by rules he has no choice but to follow. He would try to take Ivanov into custody, and Ivanov would kill him.”

“I don’t know what that means.” Judith clutched the sheet tighter to her and drew back, away from him. She was very afraid she knew exactly what that meant. It was one thing to dream of making Jean-Claude suffer and die, but that tightly coiled power so evident now in Stefan told her he was really quite capable of things she couldn’t conceive of.

“It means you can tell Harrington that Ivanov is hunting Levi, but you’ll likely get him killed. You haven’t been to bed for three nights, Judith.”

She blinked at him. “Are you
spying
on me?”

“I’m watching over you. There’s a difference.” He rubbed the bridge of his nose. “Okay. Maybe I was spying on you,” he conceded. “I needed to know you were all right.”

Her heart contracted in her chest. There was nothing boyish about Stefan Prakenskii. Not in his looks, not in that smooth sensual tone, yet he sounded so astonished and a little self-deprecating, as if he couldn’t quite believe his own behavior. He was a man even more disciplined, more controlled than she was, if she was reading him right, and yet, with her, he seemed a little out of his depth and she couldn’t help responding to the lost note in his voice.

“I have no experience with emotions, Judith. I’m going to do everything wrong and screw this up. I’ve never actually been in a real relationship.”

Her heart jumped again. “
Never?”

He shook his head. “In my line of work, relationships are impossible.” He sighed and pushed his hand through his hair until the thick strands were wild and disheveled. “If I’m being entirely honest, I didn’t think I was capable of feeling anything real for a woman. And then I saw you and it’s like I’m no longer in control. You just took me over and I haven’t a clue what to do about it, Judith.”

He looked so uncomfortable, so completely at a loss, she couldn’t imagine that the things he was saying weren’t true. “I know I don’t want to mess this up by trying to move on you too fast, but I pretty much already screwed that up, didn’t I?”

“I think that was both of us, Stefan.” Judith wasn’t letting him take all the blame. “I make my own choices, and that was a conscious decision.”

He shook his head. “I was in it for the long run and you were hoping we’d burn hot and the need would be gone. Admit it, Judith. One night was all you planned to give me.”

She couldn’t help but smile at him, self-mockingly. “I planned to give you a tractor ride. That was all.” At his somewhat crestfallen look, she couldn’t help but give him something. “I find you a little hard to resist.”

He let his breath out as if he’d been holding it for a long time. And maybe he had. She felt as if she’d been holding her breath for four long days.

“In Russia, my parents sided against a very powerful man. Unfortunately they underestimated his abilities and he came one night with soldiers and murdered my parents right in front of us. We were separated and taken to different military training facilities. I was raised to be an asset, and I know no other way of life, Judith. I’ve lived so long in the shadows, a ghost, untraceable, and then I saw you and the world around me changed—became real. It’s hard to put into words, but I know what I’m feeling is real.”

Stefan was totally uncomfortable, out of his element, exposing his soul to this woman, that one small piece of him he’d hidden from his trainers, kept locked away and safe all these long years. He’d been empty of emotions, a machine designed to carry out orders and in finding Judith, he knew there was no way back. If she rejected him, he had nothing left of himself.

“Every moment I spent with you, no matter how hard I tried to be Thomas Vincent, and I spent years building his cover, the real me kept pushing through and Judith, in all the years I’ve worked, that’s never happened to me. I want to be Thomas Vincent for you, I do, but I need to be honest about who I am. If you’re going to do this with me, I want you to know who I am. Good or bad. And most of it is going to be bad.”

He was telling the stark, raw truth of who he was, praying she’d give him a chance and knowing she’d be crazy to tie herself to him.

“You’re doing a lousy job of selling yourself and, keep in mind, I’m a little upset with you right now.”

There was an underlying truth beneath the humor. Stefan shook his head. “I’m trying to be as honest as I can be. I don’t want you going into this without knowing all the facts. I’m fairly certain that Sorbacov has retirement orders out on both Levi and me. Even if I manage to get Ivanov, Sorbacov could very well send someone else.” He sighed. “The odds are very high that he would.”