Splintered Memory (33 page)

The silence surrounded them again
, and it was clear to him that she had no idea what to say to him. Then he wasn’t sure that he knew what to say to her either.

“I’ve broken up with Emily
,” he said.

“That’s not what I wanted. I’m so sorry. I could kill Claire and Rich
,” she said.

“Please don’t
,” he said smiling. “I quite like my best friend, and yours is finally starting to grow on me. Plus I’m glad they told me. I’m glad I know.”

“But I’ve ruined your relationship with Emily
,” she said guiltily.

“Erm
no,” he said smiling at her; “I’m not sure you can take the credit for that.”

“Oh
,” she said. She then smiled cheekily and asked; “did she get fed up with the terrible conversation, laziness around the house, and poor standard of sex?”

Matt burst out laughing and said; “in a nutshell.”

“No seriously,” Charlie said no longer smiling. “Did you end things before or after you found out about my memory?” She asked looking intently into his eyes again.

“After, but
,” he said holding up his finger to silence her before she could say anything. “The relationship hadn’t been working since it’d started. I don’t love Emily. I never loved her. I’ve never got over you,” he said sincerely.

“I’m sorry that I walked out on you
,” she said.

“I’m not
,” he said honestly. “If you hadn’t then you might never have gotten your memory back.”

He guessed that Charlie was conced
ing this point, because she just shrugged in response.

“I’m sorry that I was such a rotten husband to you when you had no memory
,” he said.

“Please don’t say things like that
,” she said putting her right hand on top of his. “It was a rotten situation, and you did the best that you could. The best that anyone could have done, but I didn’t know how to be around you and I pushed you away. God, Matt, if it had been the other way around I don’t think I could have coped with you not knowing me.”

He felt a
huge wave of relief. It seemed that all of the guilt that he’d felt about how he’d handled those six months after she’d come home from the hospital had suddenly gone. To hear her say that she didn’t think that she’d have been able to cope had the shoe been on the other foot, seemed to have him in some way absolved him of his guilt about how he’d been with her. He no longer felt as torn apart as he had done just minutes earlier. She didn’t hate him, and she didn’t blame he thought happily.

“Thank you
,” he said.

“Thank you
,” she said.

“What for
,” he queried.

“For trying for as long as you did
,” she said.

The guilt rebounded and hit him squarely in the chest
again. This was it he knew. This was the moment where he had to come clean with her about everything, and he could only hope that she’d still be this understanding towards him then.

“Charlie
,” he said pulling his right hand out from between the two of hers; “there are some things that I have to tell you, and when I’m done you might not feel the way you do now.”

“Okay
,” she said. Unfortunately he heard the hesitancy in her tone, and he could see the look of uncertainty in her eyes. Yet he took a deep breath and began.

F
or the next however many minutes – he didn’t know how long it was, he talked and Charlie listened. He told her everything without limitation. He told her about the one night stand that he’d had with Emily the night before they’d slept together and she’d left him, and about all the other women that he’d been with after she’d gone. He talked openly about his relationship with Emily, and how had it not been for her he may have overdosed. He told her about how he’d continued to treat patients despite being high, and how he could easily have killed someone.

He was honest with her about his drinking, his drug addiction, and
about how low everything in his life had gotten. He explained to her about hitting rock bottom, and how he’d pushed everyone away to the extent where Emily had been the only one able to help him. He told her about rehab, and he explained why Emily had had to move in with him when he’d come home.

When he finally
finished talking he looked into her face, and he waited for her to respond. Yet she didn’t, and there was silence between them for more than four minutes before Matt was unable to stand it any longer. He reached for hands and said; “Charlie, please say something.”

She pulled her hands away from him, and she refused to look up at him as she said; “I don’t know what to say. There’s just so much going on inside my head right now.”

“Tell me,” he said.

“I’m angry with you for turning to drink and drugs. I thought you were better than that, but I feel guilty that
I
drove you to that. I’m feeling jealous, and hurt, and betrayed, but I’m also really annoyed with myself. What the hell have I been doing? Why haven’t I been sleeping around? I feel badly for Emily, and not just for the way you’ve treated her but because of all the horrible things I’ve thought about her. Mostly though, I just feel guilty. I feel
unbelievably
guilty. How did I cause so much damage?” She asked desperately before finally looking up into his face.

“
The drink, but mostly the drugs, was stupid and I am better than that. But please, please don’t for a second blame yourself. I did it and the guilt lies with me. As for the other women I don’t know what to say, except to say that you have no reason to feel jealous of them. Selfishly though,” he said; “I’m glad that you haven’t been sleeping around,” and he smiled at her.

Charlie didn’t return his smile
though, and despite feeling like he’d just blown everything he said; “you’ve got nothing to feel guilty about when it comes to Emily. She’s my cross to bear and I will, but you need to know that I love you and I’m willing to do anything to make things right between us. I want you back Charlie.”

He reached for her hands again, and he felt devastated when she pulled them away from him once more.

“You really think we can go back?” Charlie asked him sceptically.

“No
,” he said. “But I think with our history, and the way that I feel about you, there’s a chance that we can move forward.”

Silence resumed,
and Matt felt his heart breaking. They were done. There were just too many truths for Charlie to cope with. Yet Bex had been right about one thing, at least now he knew.

“I love you so much that I was making myself be happy for you and Emily. I wanted you to be happy, and I didn’t want to risk hurting you again. But now you’re here, and you’re asking me if I think we have a future? I’ve been hoping for this every day since
my memory came back, but maybe... I think maybe there’s just too much water under the bridge,” Charlie said looking into his face reproachfully.

“Is it the drugs? Is it the other women? Or is it Emily that you can’t forgive me for
?” Matt asked her, but she didn’t answer him. “Charlie,” he said hoping that she’d at least look at him again; “I need to know.”

“It’s all of it
,” she said making him feel like his heart was being torn in two. “It’s none of it,” she said which made the pain immediately subside.

“You can forgive me
?” He asked her hopefully.

Charlie looked at him and it was clear to him that she was between two minds, but as he sat watching her she shocked him by suddenly getting up and picking up her handbag and walking out of the pub. He grabbed his bag and followed after her, and outside they were right on the riverside and the wind was blowing.

“Charlie!” He called as he caught up with her.

She stopped and turned to face him. “Matt, I can’t. I just
can’t do this. I’m sorry,” she said.

H
e could see that there were tears in her eyes, and feeling braver than he felt he said; “answer me one question.”

Charlie
nodded.

“Do you
still love me?” Matt asked

Charlie
looked into his eyes and nodded again. He pulled her to him and kissed her. He kissed her like it was the last chance that he’d ever have to kiss her, but as she pulled back from him he looked at her with uncertainty.

“That’s cheating
,” she said before smiling at him.

“I’m never going to beat a solicitor in an argument,
” he said smiling.

This time she pulled him towards her and kissed him, and for just a minute they both forgot where they were and what had happened between them. Yet when she finally pulled away again
, and he looked at her with a smile on his face, he saw that she looked anxious.

“What
?” He asked.

“I have to tell you something
,” she said apprehensively.

“I thought there hadn’t been anyone else
?” He asked as he felt his stomach twist into a knot at the thought of her with another man. It didn’t help though, that the man that he was now visualising her with was Rich.

“One,
” she said guiltily; “but let’s just say that it was a terrible judgment call on my part. Damn tequila!”

She looked at him, and smiled almost nervously. He couldn’t help
but smile back at her, yet he also shook his head and said; “right, that’s it. No more tequila for you, ever! It clearly makes you lose control of your senses, and do things that make me feel like shit. First Rich,” he added irritably; “and now whoever this guy was.”

“No more tequila for me
,” Charlie agreed shaking her head from side to side as she spoke.

“And I swear Charlie,
” he said; “we’re going to have what we had before and then some. If our friends thought we were sickeningly perfect before, then they haven’t seen anything yet.”

“Let’s just take it one step at a time shall we
,” Charlie said.

“I love you
,” he said. To which he felt relief run through him when Charlie smiled at him.

“I never get tired of hearing that,
” she said; “and it’s been a while since I have.”

M
att laughed, and she took his hand that he offered to her. They began to walk together, but instead of returning to the pub that they’d just come from they headed towards London Bridge tube station. They’d decided to go back to the flat that Charlie shared with Claire in Clapham.

The tube
though was uncomfortable, and it was so crowded that Matt was almost on top of Charlie. It was making them both self-conscious, and he knew that their conversation was just the start of them getting their relationship back on track. He knew that he had a lot of making up to do to if he was ever going to get Charlie to feel comfortable with him, and to trust him again the way that she once had.

Matt knew that it would take time and he couldn’t rush it. He certainly didn’t want to expect too much of her too soon. He knew that when they slept together again, she’d have in the back of her mind everything that he’d
just told her. It was likely that they’d both be haunted by his past mistakes for a while to come, but hopefully what they had was strong enough for them to overcome all of this.

He’d made such a mess of things he thought, and he only hoped that he could make her see that he could be the man that she’d ma
rried again. If of course she was willing to let him.

S
he
opened the front door and called out as she normally did; “Claire, I’m home!”

There was no
answer and Charlie walked into the flat, and she heard Matt close the door behind them. She went into Claire’s room and saw a note on the bed.

Charlie,

I’m staying at Adam’s for the night. I figured you guys would need some space. Tell Matt that his bag’s in your room, and remember don’t over think it!

Love ya
,

Claire.

Charlie walked out of Claire’s room carrying the note. “Apparently your bag’s in my room,” she said curiously to Matt which made him give her a sheepish smile.

They sat down on the sofa
, but things seemed awkward between them. She was sat at one end and Matt was at the other, but she couldn’t help thinking that the atmosphere seemed strained given their earlier reconciliation. She had hoped that the air between them had been cleared, but that really didn’t seem to be the case.

T
he awkward silence continued to linger, and as the minutes passed their conversation remained broken and sparse. Charlie was starting to feel nervous, and a growing sense of unease was creeping up on her. Maybe they couldn’t move forward she thought. Perhaps the revelations that they’d each confessed to one another before they’d come back to the flat had actually ended their marriage, and hadn’t as they’d both hoped re-ignited it.