Spud (10 page)

12:38   My father managed to set himself alight after pouring paraffin over the smouldering coals. All I heard was a blood-curdling scream and then a splash as he threw himself in the pool. It was like something straight out of a Lethal Weapon movie. I jumped up to rescue Dad in case he was hurt but he seemed okay and managed to scramble out of the deep end and onto the rockery. My mother, without even asking if he was all right, told him to stop fooling about and to change his charred shirt.

Whilst chewing on a very tough, paraffin-flavoured piece of steak, Wombat informed us that somebody had broken into her flat and left a ten rand note on her dining room table. No matter how hard we tried to convince her that no self-respecting thief leaves money
at the scene of a crime, the senile old bat would hear nothing of it and said Buster Cracknell (the supervisor of her block) was her chief suspect.

After lunch the conversation drifted towards politics. Since De Klerk’s speech and the release of Mandela it’s become the major topic of conversation in the Milton household. Wombat said she hoped that she would be dead before the blacks took over. Dad said he hoped so too. I could almost hear my mother’s lip clatter to the grass. Dad’s back where he belongs – in the dogbox.

Received a weird phonecall from somebody with a squeaky voice who immediately hung up. I swear it sounded like Gecko but I guess it could have been a crank call or, even worse, Pike.

Woke up feeling depressed. Tonight I return to school and the thought of it makes me ill. Dad went off to work for the first time in ages and Mom dragged me around the shopping centre with her. My heart did a break-dance when she said she was meeting Marge for tea, but then I remembered that the Mermaid goes to a government school and would probably be in the middle of geography right now. I spent my time in the sports shop testing out different cricket bats while Mom had tea with Marge.

On the way home I swallowed my pride and asked Mom if Marge had mentioned the Mermaid and me at all. Mom hesitated and then said that the Mermaid liked me very much. My heart sank – my mother’s a terrible liar.

17:30   Fatty asked the small boy sitting next to me on the bus to swap places with him so that we could chat. Thankfully, the big fellow didn’t smell like fish paste this time. Fatty reckoned he’d unearthed some more
information about Macarthur at the newspaper archives in Durban, but said he would tell us all in a couple of days.

The bus chugged its way up the hills into the Natal Midlands, the lights on the road flickered dimly and every mile made my body feel heavier. I thought of the Mermaid and my mom’s lie. Did the Mermaid think I was a fool, or ugly, or didn’t she even care? An older boy sitting in front of me was telling his mates about having sex with his sister’s friend. The story sounded a little rough around the edges and soon his friends called his bluff and accused him of sleeping with his sister.

As the bus dragged its way closer to school, I became more and more anxious about what it was going to be like. Was Pike really coming to get me? Would I still have my old bed when I got to the dormitory? What had happened to the others? I closed my eyes and thought about the Mermaid, which only made me feel homesick. I could feel tears welling up in my eyes. I clenched my teeth and my fists and told myself to grow up. Thankfully, by then it was dark in the bus so nobody saw my moment of weakness.

21:00   After hours of agony, the return to school wasn’t nearly as bad as expected. Everyone sat around comparing notes about the weekend and telling stories. Here follows a brief highlights package.

Weekend scorecard

It seems that the school supervisor wasn’t told that there was a boy staying in our house over the weekend and he’d locked up all the doors with Gecko trapped inside. Boggo said the desperate Gecko had screamed himself hoarse and then eaten what looked like biltong from Mad Dog’s locker. Mad Dog said he didn’t have any biltong in his locker but then admitted that there may have been a few old pigeon carcasses lying around.

Simon was midway through telling us about the size of his girl’s breasts and what they felt like when the light switch snapped on. The dormitory was flooded with harsh white light and there stood the shocking figure of Sparerib. It was too late for us to bolt for our beds so we all just froze on top of Simon’s locker and stared guiltily back at our housemaster.

‘Talking after lights out, I see,’ said Sparerib, squinting at us with his wonky eye. ‘I’m sure you’ve many stories to tell.’ He strolled towards us and lifted himself onto Fatty’s locker. ‘I just wanted to tell you,’ he continued, ‘that tomorrow Vern Blackadder’s returning to school. I’m sure you all know that Vern has been through a lot and he’s made a brave decision in coming back. Now I want you guys to give him a break, make him feel welcome. And whatever you do, don’t ask him about his little… er… disappearance. Thanks, boys. That will be all.’ With that he snapped off the lights and disappeared into the darkness.

After Sparerib had gone, everybody began whispering excitedly about the return of Vern. I’m quite pleased about Rain Man returning. I miss not having a cubicle mate and Vern always supplies a solid stream of moggy behaviour to break the boredom. Boggo did a classic Vern impersonation and we all laughed despite Sparerib’s warning.

We continued talking about our weekends and I told the gang about the Mermaid. Boggo was outraged that I hadn’t spied on her through the keyhole and everybody said I should have kissed her. Simon was especially interested in my meeting with Pike at the restaurant on Saturday night. Fatty refused to tell us about his findings in Durban over the weekend and said he had a few things to check out before he revealed any more evidence on the Macarthur saga.

I lay awake listening to Pissing Pete and the sound of a goods train as it clattered off into the distance. All around me was heavy breathing and the odd snore coming from Mad Dog and Fatty. I drifted off to sleep and in my dreams I saw Pike and the Mermaid holding hands. She smiled and then slowly they walked away from me.

08:00   Glockenshpeel marched into assembly looking as angry as ever. He told us that Emberton and Stott were back at school as ‘further evidence had come to light’. He said that the case against the banana vandal was not closed, and warned us all that silly behaviour would have serious consequences. Then his tone changed rather abruptly and his voice became soft and friendly as he announced Mr Crispo’s decision to retire after fifty-three years’ service to the school. The boys stood to applaud the history teacher and tears poured down the old man’s face.

Crispo stood up to speak and soon had everyone chuckling when he thanked the school for the pleasure of teaching them, their fathers, and their grandfathers, but then said that it had become obvious that his failing hearing was preventing him from staying on. He spoke about what a beautiful place the school was, became all choked up with emotion and stopped, smiled and
saluted. The school roared their approval and the old man sat down and wiped his eyes with a blue handkerchief. (He never uses a white one because it means surrender.)

Emberton shook hands with everybody and told people that The Glock had gone bananas and that he had been wrongly accused of monkey business! He said it was divine justice that rat-faced Scrawley had got his head bashed in for ratting and wasn’t coming back to school.

Embo was right about one thing. In this place ratting is death!

Crispo informed us that he was going to spend his last four weeks teaching us about the War, even if it wasn’t in the syllabus. He showed us a black and white movie on the Battle of Britain. At one stage during the movie a German aircraft was shot down. As it crashed down to earth with a plume of smoke pouring from its tail, Crispo leapt up, thumped the table with his fist, and shouted, ‘Die, you Jerry bastard, die!’ As the plane exploded Crispo punched the air with delight and grinned triumphantly as if he’d downed the plane himself.

17:00   Today is Shrove Tuesday. Once again nobody seems to know what that actually means except that on this day it’s a tradition at the school to have an inter-house pancake race along the cloisters in the main quad. A boy from each standard and the housemaster from each house make up the relay team and each runner has to complete a lap of the quad before handing over the frying pan to the next runner. The rules are that the pancake has to be flipped at every corner, which often leads to a dropped pancake which slows the runner down as he has to pick it up again, reflip and then catch up with the other runners. The rest of the school stands in the middle of the quad and screams
for their houses.

Rambo was chosen from our year, and he started the race and opened up an early lead. Sparerib was incredibly quick and by the time he handed over the pan to our last runner, Bert, we looked to have the race all sewn up. Unfortunately, Bert, who is high on speed but low on coordination, dropped the pancake at every corner and our house came second last.

As the crowd drifted away, I spotted a lonely figure standing near the fountain watching the goldfish in the pond. The bald patch on the back of his head was a sure sign that this boy was none other than the infamous Vern Blackadder. I noticed Boggo and Rambo sniggering at him from the common room window. I walked up to Vern and tapped him on the shoulder. He turned slowly and I was shocked to see that he looked just like an old man. I held out my hand and he shook it. ‘Welcome back, Vern,’ I said. He flashed his demented smile at me and then turned back to the pond. I stood with him in silence for a while and together we watched the fish.

At breakfast, Boggo announced that Gecko’s making a recovery from his bout of pigeon poisoning and that he should be out of the san by Friday.

‘Good,’ said Rambo. ‘Then he’ll be fit for the night swim.’

There was a long silence, apart from the sound of Fatty choking on his pork sausage.

Are you mad?’ cried Boggo after recovering from the shock and helping me thump Fatty on the back. ‘We are not doing all that again. It was a raging catastrophe!’

This is not a debate, Boggo,’ snapped Rambo. He then smiled warmly at the rest of us and casually said, Friday night, gentlemen, Friday night.’ And with that he took a final bite of his toast and sauntered out of the
dining hall, leaving us all staring after him.

11:00   On the board was a notice that read:

OLIVER AUDITION. Callbacks! 14:30 at the music centre.

Underneath was a long list of boys called for a second round of auditions. I bounced around the common room like a loony kangaroo after seeing my name second from last. My acting dream is still alive – just!

14:30   A smaller group of about thirty boys crowded around outside the music centre. This time Viking called us all into the big band room for a pep talk. Viking spoke at the level of a shout and huge globules of spit flew out of his mouth, making him look like he’d just recently picked up a serious case of rabies.

‘Gentlemen,’ he roared, ‘congratulations on making it to the second round! This play… should you make it, will dominate your year, your time, and your mind. I am a perfectionist – if I don’t get perfection, then I get violent, not so, Barnes?’ A small boy leaning on a pair of crutches, with his left leg in a plaster cast, nodded his head sadly. ‘Do I make myself clear?’ We all nodded like dummies. Viking is burly and bearded and has savage looking green eyes.

He began to pace like a caged lion. An actor,’ he boomed, ‘has no room for fear! No room for modesty! And, most importantly, no room for his ego! I have the ego – you deliver the goods! Capeesh?’ We all nodded again. ‘Right!’ he shouted, making Ms Roberts jump and clunk a note on the piano by mistake. ‘Let’s do this!’

We all shuffled out and waited to be called. Ms Roberts once again played the piano while Viking prowled around scribbling notes on a clipboard. When I walked in, Viking shouted, ‘Milton the Poet!’ and told me to sing
I’ll Do Anything again.

This time I sang well. My voice sounded clear and I was more in control. Viking didn’t stop me and wrote many notes while I was singing. When I was finished, he stared at me for ages and then said, ‘Thank you, Milton. Call in Stopfleld.’

Now that was more like it! At least I’d given a fair account of myself. I may not get a big role but at the very least I should make the chorus.

On the way back to the house I met Vern who’s been reunited with Roger the cat. Roger sat on Vern’s lap and purred happily to himself. Both of them looked just like concentration camp survivors from Crispo’s Auschwitz movie.

18:10   Gavin, the prefect under the stairs, ordered all the first years out of dinner to hunt for Albert, his pet rat. Mad Dog found it behind the fridge in the prefects’ room. Rambo says his prefect is wickedly weird and breeds cockroaches to feed Albert and Victoria the house snake.

21:30   Pike and Devries left a dozen eggs under Rambo’s duvet cover, which exploded when Rambo sat on his bed. After cleaning himself up, Rambo demanded that our dormitory wage a brutal war against Pike and Devries, and that we agree that any action against one of us is an action against all. We all shook on it, including Vern, who looked deadly solemn and committed.

Mad Dog admitted to placing the second banana in Glockenshpeel’s exhaust pipe and said that he did it to save his cousin. He also said that Stott and Emberton had been responsible for the first banana. We all congratulated him on his bravery and called him a legend. Mad Dog reckoned it was the power of Emberton’s dad that finally swayed the board.