Read Stairlift to Heaven Online
Authors: Terry Ravenscroft
Stairlift to Heaven (29 page)
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DEAR COCA-COLA
The Jacob's Bakery Ltd
Liverpool
Dear Jacob's Bakery
I am writing to you in my official capacity as secretary of the New Mills Invalids Club. This year marks the 25th anniversary of the club, and we mean to celebrate the occasion in some style, whilst at the same time giving club funds a much needed boost. To achieve this we intend to manufacture and sell to the general public a chocolate biscuit. We are confident that we have the expertise to accomplish this as four of our members used to work for the local sweet and confectionery factory - in fact it was because they worked at the local sweet and confectionery factory that they became invalids, having caught various parts of their anatomy in the machinery, but that's another matter.
Here is where you come in. I have long been a fan of your Jacob's Club biscuits, as have many of my fellow members, and to this end we would like to 'cash in' on your esteemed name by calling our biscuit a 'Jacob's Club Foot' biscuit. This would at once inform the public that it is a quality product, and also that it supports invalids. Can I have you permission, please?
Yours sincerely
T Ravenscroft (Mr)
Jacob's reply follows
Amazon Readers Review:-
Do not read this book whilst holding a cold drink, a hot partner or anything squeezable. The genius of this man's writing is a beautiful thing to read, dry, sharply observed and above all cheap as chips on kindle downloads. As funny as ‘Dear Air 2000’ but without the lasagne although you will never be able to look at Bisto gravy granules in quite the same way ever again. Whatever you do download this and help keep Terry Ravenscroft in Oxfam trousers and 2 bottles of white wine.
– Lee Sylvester.
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LES DAWSON’S CISSIE AND ADA
WE DISCOVER CISSIE AND ADA IN AN ART GALLERY.
ADA: This isn’t doing my feet any good, they feel like a couple of globe artichokes.
CISSIE: Oh stop complaining will you, we have a lot to get through yet.
THEY WALK ON. SUDDENLY ADA SEES A STATUE OF A NAKED GREEK GOD. IT STOPS HER IN HER TRACKS.
ADA: Ooooooh! (SHE QUICKLY COVERS CISSIE’S EYES AND TRIES TO WALK HER PAST THE STATUE)
CISSIE: What the….what do you think you’re playing at, Ada
ADA: Just keep walking, Cissie.
CISSIE PUSHES ADA’S HANDS AWAY
CISSIE: Get your hands off me, you daft…. (SHE SEES THE STATUE)…oooh! Oh I say.
ADA: Well I did try to save you from it.
CISSIE: Yes. Thank you Ada, love.
ADA: Disgusting, isn’t it.
CISSIE: Positively scandalous.
THEY BOTH CARRY ON LOOKING AT THE STATUE, UTTERLY TRANSFIXED, IN AWE.
CISSIE: I wonder who sculpted it?
ADA: I don’t know, but he wasn’t short of clay.
CISSIE: It could be Moore, I suppose.
ADA: Oh not much more, surely.
CISSIE: I meant
Henry
Moore, the sculptor! Or on second thoughts it could be Rodin. He did 'The Thinker' you know.
ADA: Well that would give you something to think about, that's for sure.
CISSIE: Honestly Ada, your mind! You’ve got a point though, because he’s certainly a big lad and no mistake.
ADA: I thought he had three legs at first.
CISSIE: I wonder what it’s called? (SHE NOTICES A PLAQUE AND LEANS FORWARD TO READ IT)
ADA: Be careful Cissie, it could poke your eye out.
CISSIE: (READS OFF THE PLAQUE) It’s called ‘Waiting’.
ADA: Yes and he’d be waiting a hell of a long time if he was mine. Hey, can you keep a secret, Cissie?
The sketch continues.
Just a few of many YouTube quotes in praise of Cissie & Ada:-
‘I'm aching from laughing! Pure genius!’
‘What great acting and great scriptwriting! ’
‘This is probably the funniest clip of these two ever. "Were you 'virgo intacta'?" "No just bed and breakfast." ’
‘Was drinking a cup of tea when Ada said she was approaching the change. When Cissie said "From which direction?" I lost it as I spat a mouthful of tea across the room. Classic, brilliant comedy. ’
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THE RAZZAMATAZZ FUN EBOOK
The Razzamatazz Fun Ebook is a collection of sketches, stories, parodies, humorous newspaper and magazine advertisements, quizzes, games, new book announcements, job applications, travel brochures, restaurant menus, cookbooks, theme park ads, wedding lists, you name it you’ll probably find it inside. Plus an extensive comic encyclopaedia. An example:-
ABBA
Immensely successful Swedish pop group whose name is made up from the initial letters of their Christian names,
Agnetha, Bjorn, Benny
and Anna-frid
. A later Swedish pop group who used the same idea and whose Christian names were
Tomas, Wilhelmina, Arnie, Trudi
and
Stefan
were not nearly so popular.
Within the many pages of The Razzamatazz Fun EBook, the first eBook of its kind, you’ll discover what it’s like to travel with
UneasyJet
; answer the question
Are you capable of bestiality?
; read about the latest blockbusters from
Northern Books
(
they’re grand
!); enjoy a game of
Lad’s Night Out
, peruse the menu at top Indian restaurant
A Passage to India
, (and bottom restaurant
A Back Passage to India
) and read your horoscope with
Your Stars by Delma.
An example: -
Aries
MAY 22 – JUNE 22
With the Moon in Pisces, the Sun in Aquarius, Jupiter in Neptune and your husband in bed with the au pair, it could be a tricky week for the fairer sex. However those born under the sign of Aries are nothing if not optimistic, and with Jupiter being in Leo, Pluto being in Cancer, your bank balance being in the red, your jewellery being in hock, and you being in the shit, you really won’t have the time to worry about it
’
.
All this and much, much more.
Amazon Reader’s Review:-
This man is a comedy genius! Possibly one of the funniest books I've ever read, it's a collection of sketches, observations and short stories that will have you laughing from start to finish, especially if you have a warped sense of humour like me....
Biker Girl.
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****