Stand by Me (48 page)
He fell asleep on the sofa. She observed him as he lay there, his expression, even in sleep, anxious. She was worried about him. She understood the feelings of helplessness and worthlessness that could take over your life. She remembered how she’d felt all those years ago; how a fog had seemed to creep into her brain and lethargy had taken over her mind and body. It had been awful. And it was Greg who had brought her out of it.
It had happened to Greg before, too. But she didn’t know how to solve things for him as he had for her. She didn’t know how to make it right. She couldn’t pretend to him.
‘I’m not in love with you.’ She whispered it to herself. There had been a time when she’d thought, perhaps, she might be. Or that she could fall in love with him. It had been a guilty secret she’d kept buried deep within her. And now she knew that it had been a figment of her imagination. That when she’d felt emotionally connected to Greg, it had been for a whole heap of reasons, none of which were that she was in love with him and wanted to spend the rest of her life with him.
She’d been attracted to Greg because she’d seen in him the same sense of unease with the world that she knew was in herself. Yet he always seemed to cope so much better than her, and she’d hero-worshipped him. But he wasn’t a hero at all. Just an ordinary guy who was doing his best like everyone else. And his best hadn’t turned out to be good enough.
Sometimes, no matter how hard you tried, it never would be.
He was awake and sitting at the kitchen table, a mug of coffee in front of him, when she came downstairs the following morning.
‘Hi,’ she said cautiously.
‘Good morning, Domino.’ He smiled ruefully at her. ‘Thanks for the use of your sofa.’
‘Any time,’ she told him. ‘How are you feeling?’
‘A bit of an eejit, to tell you the truth,’ he replied. ‘I shouldn’t have come here last night.’
‘I’m glad you did. We needed to . . . we needed to have closure on something.’
‘And have we?’
She nodded. ‘I think so.’
She’d slid the silk blouse from her shoulders as she’d sat beside him the previous night, and then he’d unhooked her bra and held her breasts in his hands and told her that she was the most beautiful woman in the world. He’d kissed her again, and she’d kissed him back, and it had been passionate and exciting. She’d felt light-headed with Greg’s arms around her and Greg’s lips on hers. It had always been Greg, she’d thought then, not Brendan. She’d married the wrong brother, that was all. Greg understood her in a way that Brendan never had. Greg would always be there for her. He wouldn’t walk out on her. Locked together, holding each other tight, she couldn’t quite believe that this was happening, that she was swamped with desire and passion for the first time in ages. Because although she’d tried to keep lovemaking with Brendan as exciting as possible, the truth was that something familiar could never be the same as something new. This was different, she thought. This was the way it used to be. This was exciting and forbidden and dangerous. And all of those things made her tremble.
Then, abruptly, Greg had pulled away from her and stared at her. She’d stared at him too. Her brother-in-law. The man she’d always cared about. The man she’d always depended on. Her friend. Her friend’s husband. Her husband’s brother. Suddenly she’d shivered.
He’d told her he was sorry, that he couldn’t do this. Even though he wanted to, he couldn’t. It was weird and strange and felt so wrong, even though he wanted it to feel so right. He couldn’t believe he was saying this to her. He’d always wanted to do this with her. But it wasn’t going to happen.
And she’d nodded slowly and said that she couldn’t do it either but that she wished she could. She said that she was a bad, bad person to be thinking the way she was thinking, and he said no, she wasn’t, because he was thinking that way too. He’d looked at her anxiously and then she’d leaned forward and kissed him again. But this time the passion wasn’t there. This time it was the sort of kiss that she’d always given him.
She’d got up from the sofa and put on her blouse again and told him that he could stay the night.
Then she’d gone to bed alone. And she’d cried, even though she hadn’t really known what she was crying for.
‘Are you OK?’ he asked now.
She nodded. ‘It was all very ...’ She shrugged helplessly. ‘Are we both all right?’
‘I hope so,’ he said. ‘You’re my friend, Domino.’
‘So why?’ she asked. ‘Why did we nearly wreck it all?’
‘I don’t know. It seemed right, and then . . . then, in an instant, it just seemed horribly wrong.’
‘The thing is ...’ she looked at him steadily from her brown eyes, ‘it wouldn’t really have been wrong. You’re getting a divorce. Brendan has left me. There was nothing to stop us sleeping together.’
‘That’s what I said to myself,’ he agreed. ‘And yet ...’
Dominique sighed. ‘I know. I know. There are some things that are impossible to put out of your mind.’
‘I’m very sorry,’ he said.
‘So am I.’
‘I kissed you because I was still trying to get back at Emma,’ said Greg.
‘I know. I was trying to get back at Brendan.’
‘Christ,’ he said. ‘What a pair we are.’
‘Everything’s turned upside down on us,’ she told him. ‘We’re not thinking straight.’
‘Totally,’ he said. ‘I came to you because I was so damn miserable. And I thought that maybe the two of us . . . Well, it seemed like a way it could all work out, didn’t it? You and me. Together.’
‘But it’s not the right reason to be together. The feeling that someone - anyone - is better than no one at all. It wasn’t the right reason for me to stay with Brendan, and it’s not the right reason for us either.’
‘You stayed with Brendan because you were afraid to be on your own? Is that the only reason?’
‘It’s the easy reason, isn’t it?’
‘You and Brendan had a good marriage,’ said Greg. ‘Everyone said so. The Dazzling Delahayes.’
‘And you know that it nearly came unstuck,’ she reminded him. ‘Only I did my best for that not to happen. And to be fair to Brendan, so did he.’
‘I envied you,’ said Greg. ‘I envied your closeness over the last few years.’
‘We obviously weren’t close enough,’ Dominique pointed out. ‘Otherwise he would have told me what was going on and he wouldn’t have left like he did.’
She looked at the wedding ring she still wore on her left hand. ‘I was always afraid that one day he’d leave. I just didn’t think that it would turn out like this.’
Chapter 26
It was when she heard that Paddy O’Brien’s divorce had finally come through that Dominique thought about throwing a party. It surprised her that the idea had come into her head, because a few months earlier she wouldn’t have thought that she’d want to have parties ever again. But over the last few weeks she’d got to know Paddy better, and she’d suddenly thought that it might be a fun thing to do. That it would be something she’d enjoy. And, more importantly, something he’d enjoy too.
Paddy had laughed when she’d asked him. She was relieved that he’d laughed, because she’d been afraid that he’d call her interfering and refuse to have anything to do with it. But when she’d talked about it, a wide grin had split his face.
‘You’re a gas woman,’ he’d told her. ‘You really are. I’d never have thought of that.’
She was glad that Paddy thought of her as a gas woman. She’d worried, after she’d stood him up by text message, that he wouldn’t have time for her at all. She would have understood perfectly if he’d refused to have anything to do with her. Especially if he’d known that she’d stood him up to almost make the biggest mistake of her life.
He’d replied to her text asking if everything was all right, but she hadn’t responded until the following day, after Greg had gone home. She’d thought about texting again, but instead she phoned him. She told him that Greg had turned up in a very distressed state and that she hadn’t felt able to leave him. She said nothing about sliding her silk blouse from her shoulders and kissing her brother-in-law. There was only so much understanding anyone who’d been stood up by text could take. But she did say that she’d always been very close to Greg and he’d helped her through some bad times, and that he’d needed her that night and she hadn’t been able to leave him.
‘I thought perhaps that Brendan had turned up,’ said Paddy. ‘I was worried about you.’
‘I don’t think Brendan’s ever going to come back,’ said Dominique. ‘And even if he did, there’s no need to worry about me.’
‘You don’t have to be so independent,’ said Paddy.
‘I do,’ she said.
She thought she heard him sigh. And then he said he’d see her around sometime.
She hadn’t expected much after that conversation. She felt that Paddy might see her as more trouble than she was worth. And she could understand that. She was sorry that she’d messed up whatever it was that had been between them, but she’d got to a point - one she’d never expected to reach - where having someone in her life wasn’t the most important thing to her any more. She didn’t value herself only because of the man she was with. It hadn’t been like that before. She hadn’t felt good enough being Dominique Brady; she’d had to be Domino Delahaye, wife of Brendan, to be worth knowing. But now she didn’t care. She was still Domino, but she was herself again. And she was learning to live with that.
All the same, she was very pleased when a few weeks later Paddy turned up at the golf club and came over to the reception desk.
‘What are the chances,’ he asked, ‘that you’ll be able to meet me for a drink sometime within the next three days and that you won’t be distracted by broken-hearted brothers-in-law or other stray people descending on your doorstep needing your sympathetic nature?’
She smiled. The sunny smile of her younger self, which made her cheeks dimple.
‘Pretty good,’ she assured him.
‘Right,’ he said. ‘I have to warn you that I give up after multiple rejections, so if you don’t make it this time, I’m not sure how many other invitations I can issue.’
‘No matter who might arrive at my front door, I’ll turn up,’ she promised him. ‘It doesn’t matter what sob story they come up with. I’m all sympathised out right now.’
‘I hope not,’ he said. ‘I like your sympathetic nature.’
Meganne, who’d been checking out the function room, walked back to the reception desk just as he left.
‘Was that Paddy O’Brien?’ she asked.
Dominique nodded.
‘We haven’t seen him here in over a year, and now twice in a few weeks,’ she said. ‘It would be great to think he’d drop by more often.’
‘Why?’ asked Dominique.
‘Why?’ Meganne’s eyes widened. ‘Haven’t you seen that man? Would you not want him wandering around the place all the time? Those eyes! That bum!’
Dominique laughed.
‘Everyone here loves him,’ Meganne told her. ‘He’s great.’
‘I’m meeting him for dinner.’ Dominique hadn’t intended to say anything, but she couldn’t help herself.
‘No way!’ Meganne stared at her. ‘But I’m
so
not surprised. Dominique Delahaye and Paddy O’Brien! You’ll make the loveliest couple!’
so
not surprised. Dominique Delahaye and Paddy O’Brien! You’ll make the loveliest couple!’
Dominique laughed and told her that they were just going to dinner. It was no big deal. But she could see that her colleague thought it actually was.
They met in a small restaurant off Grafton Street, where the food was good and the atmosphere mellow. Dominique found herself instantly relaxed in Paddy’s company and was amused by his stories about his career both on and off the course.
‘I was devastated when I had to retire,’ he said, as he placed his knife and fork on his now empty plate. ‘I didn’t know how I’d get on with my life. But it’s worked out wonderfully for me.’
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