Star (49 page)

You look pretty good yourself, she had teased as they dressed at the Statler Hotel. He had reserved a suite months before, and she had to admit she was glad she had agreed to go with him.

Their relationship was still exactly what it had been from the first, a comfortable companionship and a discreet affair that most people still hadn't figured out, but those who did kept very quiet. Crystal was deeply fond of him, and he met certain needs for her. He was someone real to talk to in Hollywood, and she often asked his advice about the ranch. And it was physically satisfying certainly, but there was no wild flame, no torment, no passion, no pain. Only the ease of being with a man she both respected and admired.

They went to both of the balls that night, and he introduced her to the President. She was struck by how handsome he was, standing beside his pretty, aristocratic wife. She looked very shy and had been speaking to someone in French, and when she was introduced to Crystal, she told her how much she liked her movies.

They danced late into the night, and it was when Brian went to get her wrap that she saw Spencer at last. He was standing near the door with several of the other men in the Cabinet, he was talking animatedly and laughing with some of the Secret Service men. She started to turn away, feeling a wave of yearning wash over her. She wanted Brian to come back, so they could leave, but he seemed to be taking forever. And as she turned away, the glimmer of her dress in the soft lights caught his eye, and he stopped talking. He excused himself, and a moment later he was standing there, looking down at her, as overwhelmed by her beauty as he had been before. He reached out and touched her arm with a gentle hand, as though to see if she were real. And she was. Almost too much so.

Crystal ' It had been six years. Six long years, filled with hard times and good times, the ranch, and movies, and his baby.

Hello, Spencer. I thought I'd see you here. Congratulations. Her voice was quiet in the noisy room, but he heard every word she said, and he thought she'd never looked lovelier than she did that night in the silver gown that molded her figure like a veil of ice over the beautiful body he still remembered.

Thank you. You've come a long way. He smiled. He meant it in more ways than one. The years had made her the big star she had once dreamed of becoming, and now that she was there, she enjoyed it. But it meant nothing compared to what she still felt for him. Just looking at him brought it all back, the joy and the pain, and the lifetime of longing she still felt for him. Will you be here long? he asked with casual interest.

A few days. She was purposely vague, praying he couldn't hear her heartbeat. I have to get back to California. He nodded, and she wondered if he was still married. And on the other side of the room, Elizabeth was preening in all her glory. Her husband was one of Kennedy's aides. At thirty-one, she had made it. The only woman in the room that she envied was married to the President, but even that dream might come true one day. Anything was possible now. Spencer was an important man, even to the Barclays.

Where are you staying?

She hesitated, and then thought it didn't matter anyway. He had his own life now. And she had Brian. At the Statler.

He nodded, and Brian reappeared with her silver fox. She had no choice but to introduce the two men. Brian knew who he was, but they had never met before, and he wondered how Spencer knew Crystal. Her connection to Brian was obvious, but the look in Spencer's eyes couldn't be ignored. She said good night and they left, and in the limousine Brian found her strangely quiet, looking out at the snow falling softly. He didn't say anything to her until they got back to the room, and then he knew he had to ask her.

How do you know Spencer Hill? As far as he knew, she'd never been to Washington. He had seen him with Jack Kennedy the year before, and had instantly liked him. He was going to be a big man one day, he already was, and Brian knew how important he was to the young president.

Crystal looked vague as she unzipped her dress, and smiled at him, but her eyes were sad. He saw something there he had never seen in her before, a kind of raw pain that was almost beyond bearing. I met him years ago, at my sister's wedding. He served in the Pacific with my brother-in-law. And then, turning away, He defended me at the trial. And suddenly, he knew. He had never been able to figure it out before. He walked slowly toward her and looked down at her with sad eyes.

He's the boy's father, isn't he? There was a long pause, and then slowly she nodded, and turned away.

Does he know?

She shook her head. And he never will. It's a long story, but he has his own life, and a good future. Staying with me would have destroyed that for him. She had given him the gift of freedom at the right time, and it was good to know it hadn't been wasted. He had used it well.

He's still in love with you. Brian sat down heavily as he talked to her. He had known it would come one day, but he was sorry anyway. He had seen Crystal's eyes, and Spencer's.

Don't be ridiculous. I haven't even seen him in six years until this evening.

But the next morning, when Brian was out at a political breakfast with friends, Spencer called her. She felt her heart race as he said her name, and told herself she was stupid. He wanted to see her briefly before she left, but she insisted that she couldn't.

Crystal, please ' for old times' sake ' Old times that had given her a baby.

I don't think we should. What if some reporter saw you? It's not worth it.

Let me worry about that. Please ' He was begging her, and she wanted to see him just as badly. But to what end? And even if Brian was right in suspecting that Spencer still cared for her, seeing him could only hurt Spencer. She tried to put him off again but he wouldn't let her do it.

All right, where? She sounded nervous. She was afraid of both the press and Brian. He was never possessive about her, but she didn't want to hurt him. Especially now that he knew. She had seen the sorrow in his eyes the night before, and she wanted to convince him that it wasn't worth his worry. Spencer Hill was no longer in her life. And he never would be.

Spencer gave her the address of a little bar he knew, and she promised to meet him there at four o'clock. Brian was still out, and she took a taxi instead of the limousine he had left for her. She was afraid that the limo driver might talk to the press, if he recognized her or Spencer.

She wore a big fur hat and a fur coat, and a pair of dark glasses, and he was waiting for her when she got there. There was snow in his hair, which was grayer than the last time she saw him at the ranch. And as she looked at him, she couldn't help but remember the way he had looked the first time they'd met, in his white flannel slacks and his blazer and red tie, his shining black hair and warm smile. He hadn't changed much, but she had. At twenty-eight, the girl she had been at fourteen was all but forgotten.

Thank you for coming. He reached out and took her hand as they sat down. I had to see you, Crystal. She smiled, realizing again how like him his son was, the son he had never seen, and never would, the son who gave her life all its meaning, all its joy. You've done so well, he smiled, I've seen all your movies.

She laughed, feeling young again. Who would have thought way back when '

I remember the first time you told me you wanted to be a movie star. And then, Do you still have the ranch?

She nodded, Boyd and Hiroko live there with me. I go back whenever I can. ' to see your son ' our baby '

I'd love to get back there sometime. The thought of it made her tremble. But she knew that for four years at least he'd be much too busy even to think of going to the ranch.

And then she dared to ask him the question she'd wondered the night before. Are you still married? She'd read nothing of a divorce, and with Kennedy a Catholic she suspected he wasn't, or he wouldn't have been chosen for the job he had now.

He nodded pensively. After a fashion. There was never anything there, and after I got back ' she knew about us. The funny thing is she didn't care. She wanted to stay married for her own reasons, which weren't mine. And now she has what she wants, he smiled and looked boyish again, or at least she thinks so. Just like your being a movie star, her childhood dream was being married to someone important. We go our own ways, but she gives very nice parties. He sounded not so much bitter as deeply disappointed. He had given up the woman he loved, and spent more than ten years married to a stranger. I guess we all got what we wanted, didn't we? The movie star, the President's aide, and the wife of someone important. The only thing missing was what mattered most. The woman he had loved for fifteen years now. When do you go back?

Tomorrow.

With Brian Ford?

Yes. She looked him squarely in the eye. She knew what he wanted to know, but she didn't want to tell him, and he didn't want to ask. It was all much too painful.

You've been in some very fine movies.

Thank you. She smiled gently at him, there was so much she wanted to say and she knew she couldn't.

He laughed again, I saw you win the Academy Award, I almost cried. You looked beautiful, Crystal ' you still do ' nothing ever changes, you just get better and better.

And older. She laughed. I can remember when I thought thirty was practically dead. He laughed too. She was still so young and so incredibly lovely. It made him feel a hundred years old and so damn lonely.

They talked for a while and then he looked at his watch. He hated to go, but he knew he had to leave her. He had to be at the White House for dinner at seven o'clock, and he still had to pick Elizabeth up at the house, and change into his dinner jacket before the command performance that night.

Can I drop you off? he asked.

I don't think you should. She was still worried and he smiled at her.

I think you worry too much. I'm not the President, you know. I'm only an aide. Contrary to what my wife thinks, I'm really not all that important. She slipped into the limousine with him and they drove to the hotel. He didn't ask why she had never married, and she didn't ask why he had never had children. They talked about the ball the night before, and then suddenly the car stopped, and he looked at her dismally and held her hands tightly in his own. I don't want to leave you again. The last six years without you have been awful. It was what he had wanted to say to her when he called, why he had begged her to see him. He at least wanted her to know that he still loved her.

Spencer, don't ' it's too late for us. You've carved out a wonderful spot for yourself. Don't spoil it.

Don't be foolish. All this could be gone in four years, we won't be. Haven't you learned that yet? Doesn't it mean anything to you that we still feel like this after fifteen years? How long do you want to wait, till I'm ninety?

She laughed at him, and closing his eyes at the sound of it, he bent toward her and kissed her. She felt breathless kissing him, and when he stopped, her eyes were filled with tears. There was nothing she could say to him. For his own sake, she couldn't give in to him, but she wanted to desperately. And he wasn't making things easy for her.

If I come to California, will you see me?

I ' no ' Brian ' don't '

He asked her bluntly what he had hesitated to before. Are you living with Ford?

She shook her head. They had both avoided that, for their own reasons. No ' I live by myself' . He smiled happily as he kissed her again, and the driver stood discreetly out in the cold, waiting for them to finish talking.

I'll call you as soon as I can.

Spencer! '

He silenced her with a last kiss, and then smiled at her again. I love you ' I always will ' and if you still think you can change that, forget it. They had come too far, resisted it too often, tried too hard, lost and won and lost again. There was no way out of it now. She knew, just as he did, that they belonged together. But stolen moments could cost him everything he'd built and she didn't want that.

She looked at him for a long moment, worried about him and not herself. Is this really what you want?

Yes ' no matter how little it is, Crystal ' it's something.

I love you so much. She whispered it into his neck and then they opened the door and stepped out. She shook his hand, thanked him for the ride, and disappeared into the hotel, still feeling his lips warm on hers, and wondering what would happen.

She and Brian flew back to California the next day, and they were both quiet, as he read and she sat staring out the window. He didn't want to say anything to her yet, but he knew. He had called her all afternoon at the hotel, and when he saw her the night before, he read the whole story in her eyes, and all he wanted was to wish her well and tell her to be careful. They finally talked it over during lunch on the plane, and he sighed as he looked at the star he'd made, but she deserved all the good things that had happened to her. There hadn't been enough good things in her early life, and he prayed for her that there wouldn't be further scandal. This could be a big one for both her and Spencer.

I want you to know you can always call on me. I will always be your friend, Brian said and Crystal cried as he talked. They had gone to Washington as lovers and friends, and now it was all over. But he had always known the day would come. He had just hoped it would come later rather than sooner. They had had two years of being involved with each other, and he knew he couldn't ask for more than that. He didn't really want more. He had never wanted to marry her. The trouble was, neither did Spencer, he couldn't. He pointed it out to Crystal too, but none of it was news to her. She sighed and blew her nose. It had been a difficult two days in spite of the splendor of the inauguration.

I know all that, Brian. This has been going on between us for fifteen years. He looked startled.

Before the boy then?

Long before. I've been in love with him since I was fourteen years old.

Then why the hell didn't you marry him, or didn't he ask you?

He did, but never at the right time. It's been a comedy of errors all my life. We found each other again after he got engaged. Then after he got married, he discovered he didn't love her. He went to Korea, and I got mixed up with Ernie, and when he came back, I thought I owed too much to Ernie to leave him then. Isn't that a joke? And then Ernie wouldn't let me go when I wanted to, and Elizabeth wouldn't give him a divorce, and on and on for years, like two crazy people who just can't get away from each other. He asked me to marry him again after the trial, but by then he had political aspirations and a terrific job waiting for him, and a woman accused of murder one is not exactly what anyone needs to win an election. So I ended it, for his sake.