Starfish Sisters (13 page)

'Have you ever spoken to a sports psychologist?'

'Noooo!'

Maybe I shouldn't have said it like that. It wasn't
exactly like seeing a shrink. But a sports psychologist?
What could they do for me? All they'd try and do
would be teach me strategies to manage my nerves.
And I could do that myself. I'd already tried listening to
music before I competed – it didn't work. Deep breathing
and relaxation techniques – I kept forgetting where
I was up to. Positive visualisation – that had to be the
most annoying thing I'd ever tried. Having some quiet
time on my own – it was tempting to find such a
quiet place that no one'd be able to find me.

'Just try your best, Georgie, and see what happens,'
Ace told me. 'If you stuff up and don't make the
training team then that's your mind made up for you.
You could take a year off competing and see what it's
like. But I reckon you'd miss it, Georgie. You're competitive.
I've seen it in you. We're all competitive, that's
why we're here.'

'I'm more competitive with soccer.'

'But that's different. That's a team sport. You have to
use that team feeling for yourself too.'

'Do you think?'

'Yes!' Ace put her hands on my shoulders. 'Listen to
me, Georgie.' She squeezed my shoulders, demanding
my attention. 'You know how when you're in a team,
say like our surf tag teams, you do your best because
you don't want to let the others down? Well, individual
surfing can be the same. But this time you try your
hardest because you don't want to let yourself down.'

'You know when I really began to dread the
contests?'

'When the scouts started saying how amazing you
were.'

'Yes!'

'You felt like you had to live up to something.'

'Yes!'

'And that took the fun out of it.'

'Yes!'

With each 'yes' it felt like a layer of skin as heavy as
lead was falling off me and crashing to the ground.

'You have to tune out that stuff. Listen to your iPod
before you go out there.'

'That doesn't work with me,' I answered.

'One thing Tim was good for was firing me up. I
don't know why.' Ace was shaking her head. 'Most of
the time he used to make out like I'd only got sponsored
because of how I look.'

'Low.'

'This is about being an elite surfer,' Ace replied.
'That's why they've surprised us by bringing in the
scouts. They're turning up the pressure to see who can
hack it. And you can, Georgie. I know you can.'

'But how do you know?'

'I've been competing a long time,' Ace said. 'These
days I can pretty much suss out who can cop the
pressure and who goes under.'

'Yeah?'

'Kia goes under but she's also one of those dudes
who manages to crawl back too. Not quite sure what
her tactic is yet. Megan's cool, so's Micki. Tahlia's pretty
fragile.' Ace pressed her lips together trying to hide a
sneaky grin that was trying to break free. 'I rang my
coach last night,' she whispered.

'Is that who you called?'

'I wanted to make sure they couldn't send us home
early.' A smile, big and wide, spread across her face. 'I
just couldn't stand having to leave Jules. I think I'm in
love, Georgie!'

'You haven't even known him a week.'

'But I can't stop thinking about him. Every second,
I'm trying to work out how I can slip away and see
him.'

'Ace, you've got to be careful. You could stuff up
everything.'

Ace looked around like she was checking there was
no one else in the bungalow. 'Don't tell a soul but I've
already been a wild card for the Australian squad, so
I'm a certainty. I just had to come to camp as that's
how the selection process works. It's just one of those
things.'

Finally I was on fire. It was like God had ordered the
surf conditions especially for me. That perfect left I'd
enjoyed the day I arrived was peeling off again like
magic. I laid down some rail and made my presence
felt. At last the scouts were watching Kia Braidwood.

'Go, Starfish Sister.' Afterwards Jake gave me an
enormous hug. 'You were ripping out there. Good
stuff. You've obviously taken in our coaching sessions.
Good girl. Your mind's on the job, Kia.' Then I heard
him mutter, 'Unlike others.'

Georgie'd had a bad session. She'd passed on a
perfect wave. Why, I don't know. Maybe she'd thought
there was another one coming. Maybe she'd panicked.
She'd tried to charge on the next but it wasn't walling
up like the one before and she really blew it.

Georgie knew she had too. At dinner she hardly said
a word, which was the total opposite to me. I couldn't
shut up I was so pumped.

Ace had got down to the beach late. Jake looked like
he was going to start frothing at the mouth he was so
mad. She didn't seem to care, though. She just put on
her rashie and paddled out, so cool and calm, like a true
professional.

There was no way she wasn't going to be selected
for the team. That meant there were really only three
places left – and the reserve, but that never ended up
counting for anything.

Micki had pulled it all together. Maybe it was time to
admit that she was a consistent performer. I had to give
her that. She had this amazing focus where it didn't
matter what was happening, she could just switch on
and concentrate on the job.

How I wished I could be like that. To be able to tune
out of my head, or at least tell my head to shut up and
stop hassling me, would be like having a holiday from
myself.

The other thought I'd had while watching Micki carve
it up in the surf today was:
if my dad was in hospital would I
be able to keep on going like her?
She must've been used to it.

Davo seemed to be always in and out of hospital.
Occasionally, Dad'd make the five-hour drive in the
middle of the night just to check he was okay.

Every time I asked Mum why Dad had to go, why
Davo couldn't take care of himself, she'd answer,
'That's what good friends do, Kia.'

Today had also made me realise that there was
another thing I had to admit about Micki: you could
trust her.

It was like I couldn't remember her walking into the
bathroom. I'm never fully there when I'm doing my
thing. I didn't even hear the door open. One minute I
was sitting there on my own, the next Micki was
crouching over me holding on to my thigh.

I always thought that someone finding me would be
the worst thing that could ever happen. That the next
thing I knew I'd be at psychiatrists and therapists and
whoever else Dad thought he should tell about his
failure of a daughter.

Every time I saw Carla coming towards me I
thought, 'This is it. I'm going to be called into the office.
My parents are going to be sitting in there, waiting for
me. My life's over. The bitch has blabbed.'

Until today, I didn't want to be near Micki. I didn't
want her to look at me or speak to me. When I found
out her dad had gone to hospital I was like:
great, now
she'll have to go home
.

I'd just been waiting for her to tell. But she didn't. It
never happened. Instead, something else did.

After dinner, everyone watched the DVD of
Jerry
Maguire
. I'd already seen it twice and I was too pumped
to sit still for two hours, so I went up to the bungalow
and had a nice long, hot shower.

When I got out I realised I'd left my beach towel in
the board shed. I'd been using it for everything 'cause
my bath towel had been missing since that night.

Only Micki's scungy old blue one was hanging in
the bathroom. You could not pay me to use that. I'd
rather die of pneumonia. So, dripping wet, I went to
my drawer to get my trackie dacks to dry myself with –
and clean and folded underneath my clothes was my
bath towel.

For a while I sat there staring, while the water
dripped and slipped across my shoulders and down
my arms, forming a tiny pool around me.

There'd been no announcement, no fuss. It was just
there waiting for me.

I took the towel out and buried my face in the fabric,
smelling it like it was Charlie's soft skin. But beyond
that, way down in the bottom of my stomach, I felt the
shame.

'Thank you, Micki,' I whispered.

I was drifting off when Ace and Georgie came bursting
in.

'Kia?' Georgie shook me. 'Wake up. You're not
asleep.'

'What?'

'It's Micki's birthday in two days,' Ace announced.

'Huh?'

'Look, Kia.' Georgie was leaning over my bed with
her hands on her hips. 'We all know you can't stand
her. But I think seeing her father's in hospital and
it's her birthday on Friday, it might be nice if you could
make a bit of an effort. At least pretend to like her.
Under the circumstances, I don't think that's too much
to ask.'

Now I was sitting up and ready to spit back. 'I
already have a present for her,' I lied. 'And I was
actually going to remind you guys when you got back
from watching
Jerry Maguire
that it was almost Micki's
birthday,' I lied again. 'But I fell asleep, didn't I?'

'What have you got her?' Georgie quizzed.

'I'm giving her my sealed wettie.' Oh my God, my
dad was going to kill me.

'They're worth four hundred dollars!' Ace
screamed.

'It's, it's getting a bit small for me.'

'But you just got it,' Georgie said. 'You kept saying it
took your oldies forever to get you one.'

'Well, it did,' I stammered.

'Whoa, that's a big decision,' Georgie told me. 'Bags
not being there when your dad finds out.'

'Oh, he'll be fine.' I was suddenly starting to feel a
bit sick. 'Besides, I prefer the old one I wear every day.
It's more comfy.'

'Georgie and I just had a quick chat to Carla and Jake
about the fashion parade,' Ace said. 'They said it's fine
to have it, as long as we make sure it's not going to
embarrass her.'

'Great,' I offered.

'And Brian's going to make a cake for her birthday.'
Georgie licked her lips. 'A bit of bad food at last.'

'Hey, Georgie, did you see the way Jake looked at
me when I said I was going to model the bikinis?' Ace
was screwing up her nose. 'Yuck!'

'Tim wouldn't like to hear that,' I said.

Ace shrugged and walked over to her bed. I guess
you could just shrug and walk away when you had
that many guys in love with you.

'Jake said you surfed really well today,' Georgie told
me. 'And you did. You must be happy.'

'Thanks.'

'Yeah,' Ace agreed. 'He said to me, "Kia's making
progress everyday." '

The surf the next morning was dead flat. It was like
someone had popped my balloon. All I wanted was to
show the scouts more of what Kia Braidwood could do.

'You're itching to get out there, aren't you?'Jake said.

'How can you tell?'

I wanted to hear from Jake's own mouth that I was
surfing good.

'Your face,' he answered.

'How do you mean?'

'You get a really serious look.'

Not the answer I wanted.

'Don't worry, Kia. It'll be cranking again by
tomorrow and you can tear it up like yesterday!'

That was more like it.

So today we were inside watching the video of yesterday's
session. Which I had to admit was probably the
next best thing.

The scouts sat there studying the tape and taking
notes. There was no rewinding or playing back of
anyone's moves. There wasn't even much yelling and
whistling from us, the audience.

I couldn't help noticing Georgie's face as she
watched herself. She wasn't all smiles like she'd been
last week when they'd replayed her forehand snap a
million times.

Today her face was flat. She didn't look happy. She
didn't look disappointed or mad. She just looked blank.

The video ended. The TV was turned off and scout
number one, who wore the tiny white shorts, came up
the front with her notes.

'Well, I can see why you were all selected for this
camp,' she started. 'There was some really stylish
surfing yesterday.'

We smiled a bit but the tension was still high.

'Okay. Megan de Raile, we'll start with you. Where
are you, Megan?'

Megan stood up.

'It's okay, you can sit down,' scout number one said
without even a glance back at her. 'Technically, you're
very solid, Megan,' she said, 'and that's a good foundation
to work from.'

I swallowed every word, whether it was good or
bad. Natasha's moves had 'height'. Tahlia 'lost points'
with too many 'half turns'. Ace didn't seem to have 'her
mind on the job' but she 'oozed a natural style'. Micki
looked like she was having 'fun' as well as putting in a
'consistent performance with each wave'.

On and on it went until I heard 'Kia Braidwood'.

I put up one hand.

'Kia?' She was searching through her notes. 'Sorry,
just give me a minute. There's twelve of you. Okay,
Kia . . . Kia?' She was licking her fingers, still flicking
through the papers. 'Some of you I know immediately,
'cause you really stood out, but others I'm still getting
to know.'

My insides felt what she'd said a second before my
brain understood it.
She doesn't remember me. Take a deep
breath
, I told myself.
Keep it together
.

'Kia? You gave us plenty of rail and executed some
good bottom turns, which seemed to be very instinctive.
You need to work on your speed as you're . . .'

It could've been thirty seconds or thirty minutes but
what she was saying wasn't what I'd imagined.
I'd hoped for 'You have a natural style.' The words I'd
almost expected were 'You really stood out yesterday,'
but I didn't hear them, either.

I knew the ultimate would've been, 'You've got a big
future ahead of you.' But that was as far as I had dared
to dream.

My breath wasn't held for 'You've got the power to
surf like a boy.' This time I'd tried not to put too much
pressure on myself. Tried not to get my hopes up.

I wrapped my fingers around my wrist, my nails
pinching into the soft skin. I thought I'd prepared.
I thought I'd set myself a realistic expectation. I was
wrong – again.

Jake seemed pleased with the report, unless he was
doing the best impersonation of looking stoked. He
gave me a sneaky wink and a thumbs up.

Obediently, my lips turned northwards and smiled
back at him. My 'natural style' was hiding what I really
felt.

You idiot
, I raged.
You thought you surfed well. You
actually thought you performed better than the others! Get a
grip. You didn't. You were average. You were . . . forgettable
.

My brain re-entered the room when I heard the
scout call, 'Georgie Elwood Ross'.

Georgie's arm flopped up then flopped back down.

'There you are.' The scout smiled. That in itself was
rare. 'Georgie, I'm sure you know better than anyone
that you made some bad choices out there yesterday. It
seemed like you weren't really reading the conditions.
Was it nerves? Because that's what it seemed like to us.'

'I guess,' Georgie answered.

'Have you ever –' The scout stopped mid-sentence,
looked over to Jake and whispered something behind
her hand. She then nodded, but in a way that said she
was waiting for an okay. For a second, Jake considered
whatever her proposition was, nodded back and
answered, 'Sure. Worth a go.'

'Okay, Georgie.' An extra-big smile from the scout
this time. 'I think we'll leave it at that for now.'

Was what she just said to Georgie meant to be good
or bad? My head resumed its chatter.
Good or bad? Good
or bad?

We filed out of the rec room. Most of us looked like
we'd been hit by a sledgehammer. I certainly felt like I
had. The bad thing was, it had kind of caught me off
guard and sliced me off at the ankles too.

'What a tough bitch,' Megan spat. I was about to
say, 'What are you complaining about? She didn't say
anything negative to you,' when Megan said, 'She
went way too hard on Tahlia.'

'She's crying,' Georgie told us.

'Tahlia?' I repeated. I couldn't remember what her
performance assessment had been like. It probably
wasn't that bad.

'Free time now,' Ace said, skipping down the stairs
and off towards the bungalows.

'Why's she so happy?' Megan snarled.

Carla was coming towards us. 'Georgie and Kia?'
She waved.

'See ya,' Megan grunted. 'I'm going to do some
weights.'

Carla asked Georgie and me to go to the local shops to
choose a card for Micki's birthday tomorrow. Half of
me wanted to spit at her and say, 'How insensitive are
you? I'm going to the beach to dig a hole and crawl into
it.' The other half of me wanted to pick Georgie's
brains, see what she thought about the scout's assessment
of me. Also it'd be kind of good, hanging out with
Georgie for a bit. It hadn't been just us two in ages.

Walking out the gates and back into the real world felt
like entering some strange new land. The noise of the
traffic seemed so loud and everywhere there were
people – driving, getting on and off buses, pushing
shopping trolleys. It was like they were falling from the
sky. I had that feeling where I wanted to turn the TV
down but I couldn't find the remote control.

The other thing that felt strange was the silence
between Georgie and me as we walked along the
footpath. I wanted to start talking but I was trying to
work out how I could bring up the scout thing and
steer it towards me without making it too obvious.