Starting from Square Two (25 page)

Gert clicked the first link. It went to Colin's résumé. At the top of the résumé was the name of the trading firm he'd been at. At the bottom, it said, “Other interests. Fluent in French and Spanish. Play tuba.”

Tuba?
Gert thought.
My God, every person who died, they had such interesting things about them. Things we'll never know. Each young person did, indeed, have five people whose lives would have been touched by them for every one who already was.

Gert clicked Back on the browser to return to the main page. At the bottom it said,
“Sign my guestbook.”

Gert clicked it.

There were scattered messages to Colin that had been left over the years. There were two posts on Sept. 11, 2001.

“Hey, Col. You got out of there—right?”

“COLIN!! COLIN!! What's going on there, man? Talk to me!”

The Sept. 12 posts were more fearful.

“Colin—your sister says your family hasn't heard from you. I know you're ok and will turn up, but I want to tell you I love you.”

“Col—Mary says she heard you worked there. I know your first priority isn't this site, but please just post something here to let us know you're ok.”

“Col—You're in our hearts and prayers.”

Then, there was Sept. 13.

“C—I haven't told you in a while how much we miss you at school. The paper isn't the same without you this year. I'm sorry I waited 'til now—I kept meaning to tell you.”

Gert clicked a link to the college newspaper and put Colin's name into the search field. She found twelve columns he'd written during his junior and senior years. One paragraph started with “When I have kids…” It was something he'd casually thrown in, not knowing, of course, that he'd die two years later. Who suspects that? If you're young and in good health, you assume you'll live forever.

Another link on the homepage said “Mary,” and it went to a girl's site—apparently Colin's girlfriend. Mary's site was normal and up-to-date. She had gone on with her life. But in the corner, in a purple box, it said: “Colin Daniel McKinney 1979-2001. I will never forget you, honey.”

Gert stared at that for a while.

She ended up spending a half hour following all of Colin's links. She followed link to link to link to link. She assumed eventually she'd link all the way to someone she knew, but she didn't.

Even after she was done looking at the links, she felt that she only understood one-fiftieth of Colin's personality. He had had so many quirks, so many connections. The world had really lost someone special. After another half hour, she was frazzled. She looked at the time and was surprised by how late it was. Gert stared blankly at the screen until the screen saver came on, reminding her to go back to bed.

G
ert felt like being alone with Todd that night, but she had already agreed to the double date with Hallie and Brett Stoddard. She hoped they could eat their sushi quickly and get home. Erika and Dr. Eden had planned to come, too, but Eden had been called to the hospital at the last minute. Erika was going to pick him up after his shift and take him out anyway. She said that if he was exhausted, he'd be more vulnerable. And she could seduce him with words and wine.

Gert was relieved she'd have to deal with only one manipulative couple tonight and not two. Still, she had an obligation to go along with it. It was because of Hallie that she'd met Todd in the first place.

As she waited outside the restaurant with Hallie, facing the street, Gert told her how things had worked out over the weekend with Todd, how he'd come over and they'd eaten in instead of going out for Greek food. Hallie smiled and said she was glad. Gert thought she seemed sincere. Maybe because Hallie was dating someone now, she didn't have to be jealous.

Hallie looked especially good that night, Gert thought. Her
light brown hair was back in a barrette. Dating someone you liked made you more attractive. And Hallie needed to be—the dinner was a rare fourth date with Brett Stoddard.

“There they are!” Hallie said.

Brett and Todd were approaching from across the street. Gert had never met Brett before. He struck her as attractive, even though he was a bit plain-looking. He had floppy pale hair that reminded her of straw, a hangjaw smile and high blond eyebrows. He was wearing a denim jacket and had nice lips.

Todd introduced Brett to Gert, then took Gert's hand and led her through the vestibule into the restaurant. There were small cardboard posters for Broadway shows there, and a pocket full of take-out menus. Inside, fish bubbled in an aquarium filled with fluorescent stones and coral. Some kind of purple light beamed through it. The place was packed with young people.

The waiter took them to a corner table with green place mats. Todd and Brett sat directly across from Gert and Hallie. Sitting down, Gert felt strange. She'd never actually been on a bona fide “double date” before. Who did such a thing anymore? You couldn't really flirt with someone if you had your best friend sitting next to you. Unless you were weird. Gert had seen fifties movies with one couple making out in the front of a car and another in the back. She had never been one for public displays of affection. Private displays of affection were much nicer.

Gert caught Todd looking at her. She smiled, and he winked back at her. She felt better. They'd get through this, help Hallie and Brett become closer, and then they could be alone.

The waiter left a porcelain pitcher of warm tea on the table, and Gert poured for everyone.

“So,” Brett said. He looked up and smiled at Hallie. “Who else here besides me knows how to use chopsticks?”

“I don't,” Todd said.

Hallie waved her hand. “I do!”

“I became an expert when I lived in China,” Brett said.

“You're kidding,” Hallie said. “You never told me you lived in China.”

“For six months after college, I taught English there.”

“Wow,” Hallie said. “You can speak Chinese?”

“I can speak English,” Brett said.

“That's all it takes, I guess,” Todd said cheerfully, and Gert appreciated that he was trying to keep the flow going.

When the waitress came, they ordered a sushi platter for four. Gert thought of the long strips of salmon, sweet eel and pasty avocado, and started to get hungry.

“I haven't had sushi in weeks,” Hallie said, rubbing her hands together. “And I love it.”

Brett suddenly focused on her. “You should have told me,” he said. “I would have taken you. There's this amazing place in midtown. We're going.” He reached out and took her hand.

Gert could feel the seduction radiating outward. The guy was good.

“So, Brett,” Gert said. “You and Todd were college roommates, right?”

“Sophomore year we were in a quad,” Brett said. “It was me and this guy Dan Weinisch and Todd and this guy Paul.”

“Dan and Paul were business majors,” Todd said.

“Yep, and Todd and I were the history and English geeks,” Brett said. “Whenever Dan and Paul had to take a liberal arts course, I did all their homework. But some of it was poetry, so that was fun.”

Something seemed off about this. Gert caught Todd's eye but didn't smile, because Brett would have seen. She just doubted that Brett loved doing other people's homework, even poetry, and it didn't seem like something to brag about anyway.

“Where are Dan and the other guy now?” Gert said as the waitress brought their little salads and peanut sauce.

Brett and Todd looked at each other and laughed. “Paul's a broker and has no life,” Brett said, “and Dan, I don't think he works. All he does is try to schtup every girl he meets.” He looked at Hallie. “I hate it when guys treat women like that.”

Hallie smiled at him.

Todd, more diplomatic, said, “Dan just got a little out of control senior year. He was shy for the first three years and then he worked as a lifeguard for one summer and came back and decided he had to make up for everything he missed.”

“It's kind of pathetic,” Brett said. “Not to mention unfair to women.” He looked straight at Hallie. “Weinisch acts all sweet and shy, focuses on them, gets them in bed and then he never calls them again. It's disgusting.”

“I'm glad
you're
not like that,” Hallie said to him, and she took his hand again. Gert felt Hallie kick her under the table.

Brett seemed to be enjoying the attention. Or maybe the tension; Gert noticed that they were staring at each other an awful lot, and she wondered if the fact that they hadn't actually had sex yet was making them both hot and bothered.

The waiter came out with their platter of rice rolls and dumplings. When Hallie moved some morsels onto her plate, Brett looked at her and said, “My, you
are
hungry, aren't you?”

Hallie smiled and ate.

“We're going to that place in midtown. That's it,” Brett said. “Case closed.” He reached for the plum wine and poured her a full glass.

Hallie was smart, Gert thought. She was just letting him work his charm.

“When I was in Japan…” Brett started.

“I thought you taught in China,” Hallie said.

“I did. But I went to Japan the following year. Anyway, they had this place that had every kind of food you can imagine in sushi. They had, like, plum rolls and peach rolls and broccoli rolls and onions and eggs.”

“That sounds good,” Hallie said.

“I can cook it for you,” Brett said. “I've cooked sushi.” Gert wondered how many girls he'd fed this to. The line, not the sushi.

Gert watched Brett as they ate. She noticed that he would look at Hallie once in a while and smile. Hallie was lapping it up. Why shouldn't she?

When they finished the platter, Todd announced he had to
get to bed early because he had a busy day tomorrow, and he and Gert got out of there as soon as they could. Brett had told enough stories about how many things he knew how to do and how he would do them for Hallie. He was a superman for her favorite things.

 

As the subway shot out of the ground, leaving Manhattan's skyscrapers behind, Gert said to Todd, “It was nice to finally meet Brett.”

Todd smiled at her uncertainly, then broke out in laughter. “How uncomfortable was that?”

Gert burst out laughing, too. “I don't know,” she said. “I'm trying to figure out the best part. Brett pouring her more plum wine after every single sip she took…”

“Or telling Hallie how much he hates when guys treat women badly,” Todd said. “Brett was like Dan Weinisch's idol back in school.”

Gert rested her head on his shoulder. It felt so good to be with someone who didn't play games, someone honest. Todd put his arm around her. She smelled his freshly laundered shirt.

“Do you think it was okay to introduce them?” she asked.

“Do
you
think she'll be okay?” Todd asked.

“I was more worried about Brett,” Gert said. “Hallie knew what she was getting into.”

Todd smiled. She could feel his shaven chin move. “You know what?” he said. “I think Brett really likes Hallie.”

“How can you tell? You said he treats every girl like that.”

“Well, most of them,” Todd said. “Every girl's a different challenge. But she has him working overtime. So maybe he'll learn something, for once.”

Gert closed her eyes.
What are
you
learning?
she thought.
Are we in a relationship, or what? Say something.

When she opened her eyes, she took in the darkness of the subway tunnel outside the window.

 

When they got to her living room, they went immediately to the couch and kissed more frantically than they ever had.
Marc had always been passionate with her. Todd was a little more tender. When Marc was kissing her, he'd often acted as if he was protecting her from every horrible thing in the world. Sometimes he'd been so intense it had made her shiver. But this time, so was Todd. Gert felt so relieved to be away from the jealousy and resentment of the rest of the world, to be with one caring person who was so straightforward and earnest and passionate. She squeezed him so tightly she thought she would never stop….

He backed off, lifting his head. “Are you okay?” he asked.

She sat up. “I'm sorry….”

“I was just surprised,” he said.

“I didn't mean it….”

“No,” he said, smiling. “I liked it.”

A
fter Todd had left to go to work in the morning, Gert checked her e-mail to see if Hallie had written about her date. There was, indeed, a message from Hallie. It was entitled “News.”

Gert clicked on it.

It said:

Gert wrote back:

Gert deleted some junk e-mail. Before she got off, she clicked “new mail” again. Hallie was obviously online. She wrote:

Gert wrote back:

Three days later, Erika returned to New York. Hallie had asked Gert to meet the two of them for margaritas and tortilla chips after work. Hallie's fingers crept through the basket looking for ungreasy chips, as if there were such things.

“It was so draining,” Erika said. “I had to prop my mom up, then she had to prop me up, and then I had to prop her up.”

“But your dad'll be okay?” Gert asked. Her father had high cholesterol, so she knew what it was like to be worried about fathers and their hearts.

“Yes, thank God,” Erika said. “They say he'll come out in a few days as good as new.”

Hallie broke a chip in half and put the other half back. Then, after a few seconds, she ate the other half anyway.

“It was so hard,” Erika said, pulling the bowl closer to her. “My sisters and my cousins were there and they all had their boyfriends and husbands helping them out. And the guys comforted them every step of the way. All I could think about was
how much Ben loved my dad. And my dad
loved
Ben. I actually came close to calling Ben. I knew he would be concerned.”

Hallie shook her head. “It's hard to get through anything alone these days.”

“No shit,” Erika said. “Everyone kept asking me why I didn't have a boyfriend, like I really needed the reminder. They constantly say things to me about Ben, too. My little sister kept saying, ‘I miss Ben. He was cute.' Like I needed her to tell me.”

Gert watched Hallie pull the bowl of chips back toward her. At this rate, they should just get two bowls, she thought.

“But I hung out with my cousin Jim and his new girlfriend,” Erika said. “She's like the coolest person. You know how sometimes you meet someone and hit it off right away, and you get along better with them than people you've known all your life? I only wish that would happen with a
guy.
It hasn't happened to me since Ben.”

Hallie shook her head. “I don't think it's
ever
happened to me.”

“You've never met someone who you thought was your soul mate?” Erika asked.

“I don't know,” Hallie said. “What
is
a soul mate, anyway?”

“It's what I said,” Erika said. “You meet someone, and you just click. You have the same ideas about life. You don't even have to finish your sentences, because the person already knows what you mean.”

Hallie turned to Gert. “Do you think Todd's your soul mate?”

Gert said, “I don't know. It's nice if you can be with your soul mate. But you don't always necessarily want to end up with your soul mate. Sometimes, besides the similarities, you need differences to make things work. That's how you learn.”

“What about Marc?” Hallie asked. “Was he your soul mate?”

“I don't know if he was entirely, either,” Gert said. “He was a great guy. There were things I loved about him, and things I
just thought were cute. I don't know if I could say he was
perfect
for me. Or that I would have wanted him to be.”

Hallie shook her head and looked at her plate. “Maybe we've all lowered our standards.”

“Well, we said we're not even sure exactly what soul mate means,” Gert said.

“Which proves,” Erika said, “that none of us have met ours. Because we'd know.”

“Soul mate isn't necessarily the standard you want,” Gert said, looking at her.

“Because we can't find it?”

“Maybe,” Gert said. “I'm not sure. I think souls can grow together, too.”