State of Grace (20 page)

She was attracted to Jack. She adored his personality, and he never ceased to make her laugh. Jack made her feel cherished. He was a good man, a kind man, a hardworking man.

At best, her feelings for him could be described as luke-warm.

He deserved better than what she could give him.

When he kissed her softly, gently, she had to fight shameful memories of Sean’s urgent, forceful dominance of her mouth. He was careful with her, oh-so-careful. Not like Sean. He didn’t push her to her limits or make her confront her unspoken desires.

Jack knew she wasn’t ready for sex yet, either, and he didn’t push her. On more than one occasion, she’d contemplated being the aggressor.

One night after more than a few glasses of wine at dinner, she’d gotten the idea that maybe if their sex was off-the-charts, it would erase the memories that haunted her at night.

They sat on her fire escape, exchanging sweet, gentle kisses as this thought traversed through her mind, and before either of them could blink, she’d launched herself across the space that separated them, and into his lap. She’d kissed him feverishly then, fisting her hands in his dark hair before slipping a hand underneath his shirt to stroke his chest.

Through the drunken haze of her mind, it registered that although it felt really, really good, it still didn’t compare.

She pressed on, taking his hand and placing it on her breast before pulling back.

“Do you want to go inside?” she panted.

Jack closed his eyes and inhaled while she stared at him in confusion. Eventually, his warm brown gaze met hers head-on, and he shook his head.

Her face fell.

“Grace, I would love nothing more than to carry you to your bed, strip you naked, and bury myself in you.”

Her eyes widened slightly, and her mouth formed a small o.

“But you’re not ready.”

“What do you mean?”

He shook his head ruefully. “I think you know what I mean. I don’t want to be your rebound guy, Grace. I want to be your guy. If that means I have to wait to get you, then I’ll wait.”

Embarrassed, she’d scrambled away quickly, but he gripped her arm firmly, holding her in place. 

“I think you’re amazing,” he’d said. “But usually, I’ve found the best things are worth waiting for.”

He’d pressed a gentle kiss on her forehead, before he’d slipped into her apartment and let himself out. 

He was gentle, good, kind, handsome, and fucking perfect.

But he wasn’t Sean.

She could continue this. She cared for him, that much was certain. It was different, it wasn’t overwhelming, but she cared. There was also the possibility that what they had would grow into more, and what she’d imagined with Sean would fade away.

She swiped angrily at a lone tear that managed to escape and forced herself to finish preparing their coffee while her brain battled her heart. Methodically, she dumped two packets of sugar substitute in her cup and stirred a teaspoon of sugar in his. She liberally poured fat free half and half into hers and kept his black, just how he liked it.

He found her in the kitchen, still stirring her coffee and staring off into space.

“Babe?”

Guiltily, she jerked her gaze towards him. “Yes, honey?”

“Everything okay?”

She pasted what she hoped was a bright smile on her face. “Of course. Just got lost for a moment.”

“You sure?” His tone was gruff, but the expression on his face was concerned.

She smiled weakly. “Yes.” She shoved his mug towards him. “Here’s your coffee. Just the way you like it.”

He grabbed the handle and pressed a quick kiss to her lips. “You’re so good to me.”

It took every ounce of strength she had to keep her smile steady and in place. To busy herself, she pulled out bran cereal from the cupboard and skim milk from the fridge.

“Want breakfast?” she offered.

“Nah, babe. I don’t even think I have time to finish coffee,” he said regretfully, glancing at his watch. “Walk with me downstairs?”

“Of course.”

They walked out of her apartment in companionable silence, his arm casually slung across her shoulder. They’d just reached the lobby when he muttered, “Oh shit.”

Her brow furrowed. “What’s wrong?”

He smiled ruefully. “Guess I just need a reason to get back to you. Forgot the movie in your DVD player. Need to go grab it before I head off.”

She purposefully ignored his first sentence, not ready to deal with her or his emotions just yet, and focused on the task at hand.

“Jack, it’s okay. I know you need to get a move on, I can drop off the movie.”

She yelped as he caught her off-guard, hauling her into a tight embrace, pressing his body tight against hers. He descended in a rush, but gentled once his mouth reached hers and he kissed her sweetly. “You’re such a good girl, Grace.”

In that instant, she decided to shove away any unpleasant thoughts. She looped her arms around his neck, leaned up against his frame on her tip-toes, and returned his kiss.

She was so focused on trying to focus on Jack, neither of them noticed the man who’d walked through the revolving doors and stopped still. He swallowed before moving through the doors again, this time, moving outside. He looked through the glass pane that separated him from the seemingly happy couple, and his hands clenched and unclenched several times. When the woman inside reached up to brush her hand against the man’s face, he felt a sharp, piercing feeling invade his gut.

He’d lost her.

 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A month later

The shrill wail of an angry child pierced the air, and Grace closed her eyes, praying for patience.

“Kenny, no cookies now. When you get home, and only if you’re a good boy!” a mother reprimanded.

“I …”

Hiccup

“Want cookies!

Wail.

Grace tried to squeeze past the obviously frazzled young mom and toddler wailing in the shopping cart. She pasted a tight smile on her face as she gingerly pushed the cart down the aisle.

The young, pretty woman looked at her apologetically. “I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay,” she responded brightly, inwardly thinking this entire scene was industrial strength birth control.

Speaking of birth control, she’d officially been on the pill for a little over a month. She swallowed the lump in her throat as she pushed the cart, pausing every now and then to select ingredients. She carefully perused the labels of the items she selected.

Jack was a health nut and fitness enthusiast.

Even though she was cooking a celebratory dinner to congratulate him on the opening of his gym, she knew she couldn’t get too out of control with making rich dishes. They’d have a nice dinner, some wine by candlelight, and afterward …

Well, afterward, they would bring their relationship to the next step.

Neither one of them had explicitly mentioned it, but there was a silent understanding between them that it seemed to be the right time. Right before she went on the pill, they’d had a slightly stilted conversation about clean bills of health and protection.

She was getting more and more seriously involved with Jack.

Jack was stable.

Jack was good.

Jack was kind.

She’d rationalized it all in her mind, of course. Sean had walked away, first. She didn’t owe him anything, and she certainly wasn’t going to chase after him and make a fool of herself.

A girlfriend from college once told her to “Marry someone who loves you more than you loves them.” Grace still took those words to heart.

Her mother had loved her father past the point of reason. She’d been smart, courageous, kind, and beautiful …

But blind.

Once she’d grown up a bit and the reality of what she’d witnessed as a child sunk in, she swore she would never lose sight of herself.

Even though she warred with herself, even though she compared the way Jack’s kisses tasted to Sean’s … even though she saw Sean’s blue eyes every time she closed hers …

Jack didn’t make her lose reason.

She paused for a moment, surveying the contents of her shopping cart against the handwritten list she’d propped in the upper compartment of the cart. Satisfied, she made her way to the registers, but stifled a groan of annoyance when she saw every open register had a line of at least five deep. She sighed heavily and parked her cart in one of the lines, absently picking up a celebrity gossip rag that had been carelessly tossed on a small round table packed with containers of day old pastries.

She turned back for a moment, considering the pastries, then squinted at her denim-covered thighs and thought the better of it. One guilty pleasure would have to suffice.

Waiting for the line to move, she absently thumbed through the pages. She rolled her eyes at the article that featured the “Best and Worst Beach Bodies of the Summer,” and flicked to a section full of pictures from a recent movie awards ceremony.

As the line slowly moved, she inched her cart further, half-heartedly taking in photographs of celebrities in bright, colorful formal wear until a flash of color in her peripheral vision caught her attention.

The woman in the other aisle was tall, incredibly thin, a lightweight sundress hugging her frame. She was looking at the man next to her with a small, secret smile on her pink glossy lips. Grace felt her heart thunder and her breathing quicken as her eyes greedily drank in the sight of the woman’s companion.

A worn, t-shirt hugged his tall, athletic frame like it had been made for him. Dark blue jeans hugged his lean hips, and a corner of his beautiful mouth turned up for the woman who held his attention. She stared numbly for a few moments before getting ahold of herself and turning away.

Tears blurred her vision as she stared hard at the variety of gum lining the impulse section next to the cash register.

“Excuse me, miss? Keep the line moving!” A woman barked from behind her.

“Excuse me?”

The second plaintive command penetrated through the haze that fogged her mind, and she mumbled an apology, moving her cart closer towards the register.

Sean hadn’t apparently wasted any time. His beautiful face looked completely at ease with his new woman. Why was she still even thinking about him? He’d made it clear that their fling was just that – a fling. He’d made it so crystal clear; he didn’t even need to speak the words.

She was just a conquest.

One notch on a bedpost littered with waitresses, models, and God only knows who else.

“Ma’am? Need help loading your groceries?” the cashier asked.

She raised her eyes to the girl behind the counter and shook her head mutely as she realized it was her turn. A wave of nausea gripped her stomach, and she fought it as she swiftly loaded her groceries—groceries to make a dinner for her and Jack—on the conveyer belt.

As she loaded the grocery bags into her trunk, a crazy urge to laugh overcame her, but she knew there was no mirth behind it. As she got in the car and started the ignition, she felt something wet splash against the skin of her thigh that wasn’t covered by her denim shorts.

She swiped at the trail left on her face by the lone tear and steeled herself.

He’d touched her, he’d brought her to heights of insane pleasure with his body, he’d made her laugh, he’d made her skin tingle. But he wouldn’t make her cry.

Not anymore.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dinner was a resounding success, although it was no thanks to her.

After thoroughly wasting ingredients in a ruined dish, she’d called Molly, her neighborhood friendly caterer. She shoved away memories of Sean, teasing her for her cooking abilities, as he leaned against her kitchen counter.

Focus on Jack, she instructed herself.

She served salmon baked on cedar planks, asparagus, and faux mashed potatoes – a recipe of mashed cauliflower masquerading as mashed potatoes that she’d found online. There were two indulgences – the wine and a blackberry trifle she served for dessert.

They’d just finished the trifle, and she was now curled up into Jack’s side, watching the evening news and sipping wine. He had his arm wrapped around her shoulders and he leaned in to nuzzle against her neck.

“Baby, dinner was awesome. Not only is my girl gorgeous, smart, and funny, she can cook, too,” he mumbled against the skin of her neck.

She let out a small laugh. It was a breathy sound, but not for the reason he likely thought. The image of Sean, handsome, sexy and belonging to another woman had been burned into her mind.

Jack’s lips peppered light kisses against the sensitive skin of her collarbone, and she arched into his embrace, trailing a hand absently up and down his arm.

Strong, kind, and handsome, she reminded herself, closing her eyes.

He moved his kisses to her mouth, cupping the back of her neck so her mouth fit just right against his. She shifted her body more deeply into the couch, and he followed, blanketing her frame with his own.