Stay (15 page)

Passing one to me, I start bouncing it between my stick, moving the puck faster and faster across the ice.  Cole just watches me for a while before murmuring, “You’ve got really soft hands.”

Glancing up, I meet his eyes before smiling just a little bit.  “Yeah, that’s what my dad always said.”

“How long did you play for?”  He asks the question casually but I suspect it’s more than mere curiosity that has him delving carefully into my background.

And I’ll tell him… but that doesn’t necessarily mean I’m going to give him the full uncensored version.  Even though I’m slowly beginning to trust Cole, I’m not about to lower my guard just yet and bare my soul.  “I started skating when I was about three.  I played on a boys house team until I was eleven and then I made a girls Triple AAA team until college.”

His face transforms as he digests my words.  I watch as confusion finally settles over his features.  His eyes are on my stick, watching as I easily handle the puck.  “Pass it to me.”  I do and it slides right onto his stick even though he’s suddenly flying across the ice towards me.  “What made you decide not to play in college?”  He seems genuinely puzzled by this.

Snapping the puck back to me, it lands easily on my stick.  Rather than answer his question, I race down the ice before hitting it top shelf.  In the middle, near the top of the metal bar is exactly where it ends up. I can’t deny the satisfaction sliding through me as the puck lands precisely where I placed it.

As I circle the net, Cole skates over.

“You didn’t answer my question.”  He shakes his head, a small smile curving his lips upward. “You’re really good,” he suddenly laughs, “You know that, right?”

I smile tightly, not wanting to discuss hockey anymore.

“Cassidy, why aren’t you playing college hockey?”  His words are softly spoken as if he somehow understands that he’s treading on shaky ground.  “You must have been scouted.” 

Without answering, I take off backwards, once again creating more distance between us.  It’s not just physical.  It’s emotional as well.  The further I skate, the more in control I feel.  Finally I say, “Do you mind if we just skate?”

With every question he voiced, I could feel my chest tightening up.  And I don’t want this perfect time with him to be ruined by another anxiety attack.  I just want to forget about everything except the feel of the smooth ice as my skates glide over it.

For a long moment, his eyes follow me until I’m near center ice.  Just when I start to wonder if my silence has angered him, he fishes the puck out of the net and passes it before blowing past me.

Lightening the mood between us, he says, “Don’t think I’m going to take it easy on you just because you’re a girl.”

Taking a deep breath, I blow it out steadily.  True to his word, he’s not going to push me.  A slow smile settles its way across my face as I eye him.  “Just be prepared to get your ass handed to you by this girl.”

And with that, the thick tension of moments ago dissolves.  He grins.  “Big talk.  Now I’m really scared.”

“You should be.”  For the next hour we scrimmage and honestly, even wearing crappy brown rental skates, I can’t think of a time when I’ve had more fun on the ice.

Chapter Thirteen

“It’s nice to see you looking so happy.  Things must be going well.”  Dr. Thompson smiles as she studies me closely.  Her thin black framed glasses are perched on the bridge of her nose.  Every hair of her blonde shoulder length bob is perfectly placed.  Her beige suit is carefully tailored and form fitting.  A thick string of creamy pearls clasped around her slender neck completes the picture.  Sitting back, she looks decidedly pleased with my progress.

I have to admit, I’m fairly pleased with it as well.

Her words have a small smile blooming across my face.  I feel happy.  I can’t remember the last time I’ve felt this good.  Even thinking about my life before it imploded, I’m not really sure how happy I was.  I spent all of my high school years feeling stressed out.  There was always another game to excel at.  Another test to ace.  Scouts sitting in the stands to perform for like I was a circus act.

No, the pressure is finally off.  But it’s more than that…

I know a lot of my happiness has to do with Cole.  I can’t believe what an amazing guy he’s turned out to be. It still makes me laugh that I’d tried so hard to blow him off in the beginning.

“So tell me what’s been going on to put such a smile on your face.”

I decide to start with a safe topic because honestly, I’m not sure what Dr. Thompson will think about me seeing someone.  Because the whole no-boy-rule is definitely out the window at this point.  Even though Cole and I haven’t officially talked about it, we’ve been spending a lot more time together and I have actually been known to, upon occasion, spend the night at his house.  Although we’re still taking everything slow.  Like molasses in cold weather slow.  But it works for me.  For us.

“School is great.  I have A’s in all my subjects.  And I’m not feeling overloaded by the amount of work either.”  Which is a total change from last year when I had been all but drowning in my classes.

Dr. Thompson smiles before nodding.  “I’m not surprised.  You’re very bright, Cassidy.  I’ve started to suspect these courses aren’t challenging enough for you.”

I shrug even though privately, I agree with her.  I’m not feeling especially challenged either.  But that’s okay.  After my disastrous first semester last year, I wasn’t exactly ready to jump into the deep end of the pool.  I’ve more or less been dipping a toe in the shallow end of the baby pool.  Now that we’re at the end of September and I’m still doing well, I’m thinking about speaking with some of my professors to see if they can make some recommendations for second semester.

“And tutoring, it’s still working out?”

“Yeah, I love it,” I say enthusiastically, “I’ve even been able to pick up a few more hours each week.  And I’ve acquired a steady load of students who are requesting to work with me.”
She smiles, settling back in her chair.  “Okay, so school and tutoring are both going well.  I’m happy to hear that.”  She pauses before asking, “What about your anxiety attacks?  Have you experienced any since we last met?”

For just a moment I search my mind even though I know the answer.  “None.”  Which is a huge relief.  I finally feel like I’m moving forward again.  The anxiety attacks are so frightening.  Debilitating.  Because I really have no idea when one will strike.  Which only ramps up my apprehension because I’m constantly on edge waiting for something to trigger one.  

“Hmmm, that’s very interesting.  Are you using your breathing techniques when you start to feel anxious?”

I nod.  “I do and they help to calm me down.  And I’m always careful to stop when I feel agitated and mentally self-check.  But lately, I’ve been feeling really good.”

Great even.

I’m not used to feeling this good.  I hate to say it, but I’m kind of waiting for something to go wrong.  Life just seems to be going a little too well for me right now.   

She breaks into my thoughts with another question.  “And you’re still running?”

I grin.  “Yep.  Three times a week.”

Not only am I running with Cole three times a week but I also meet up with him twice a week to work out on the ice.  We usually get to the rink around five in the morning before it even opens.  It’s nothing short of amazing to have a full sheet of perfectly smooth ice all to myself.  Those early morning sessions with Cole are usually the best part of my day.

“Do you think that’s contributing to the way you’ve been feeling lately?”  She continues studying me as she jots down a few notes on her pad of paper.

“Yes,” but that isn’t the only reason, “definitely.”  Nervously I nibble at my bottom lip knowing that I need to be honest with her.  Because keeping secrets from your therapist defeats the entire purpose of having one.  It doesn’t escape me that I’m hesitant to bring Cole up with her.

Dr. Thompson continues studying me in that quiet, soothing way of hers.  “Is there something else I should know about?”

Over the course of the last month, I’ve really grown to value Dr. Thompson’s opinion.  I know without a doubt that she has my best interest in mind and it helps to hear an objective perspective on some of the issues I’m struggling with.

“There is something else.” 
Someone else… 

“Ah ha…”  With a raised brow she silently waits for me to continue.

It’s all I can do to push those two little words out into the air between us.  “A guy.”

Her voice doesn’t change as she clarifies, “A new one?  Or the one from before?”

I gulp remembering how Cole triggered two anxiety attacks.  Well, a full-fledged one and a sort-of one.  Although I’m pretty sure that’s splitting hairs at this point.

“The one from before,” I quietly admit.  Fidgeting under her steady gaze, I wait for the censure I’m sure will follow that statement.

Instead she nods her head thoughtfully before jotting down a few more notes.  “Have you been spending a lot of time together?”

I hesitate because I’m so afraid she’s going to suggest that I break things off with him.  That I should be focusing on myself and school instead of a new relationship.  Even though I don’t want to hear the words, it’s unfortunately what the tiny voice in my head keeps whispering.  “Yes.”

She reemphasizes, “And no anxiety attacks?”

I shake my head.  “No, none at all.”  I can’t imagine having another attack with Cole.  His presence actually calms me now.  I feel so at ease with him.

She takes a deep breath as if contemplating something before finally asking, “Are you two sleeping together?”

Feeling heat rush to the surface of my cheeks, I quickly shake my head.  “No.”  Then I add, “But I’ve spent the night with him a few times.”  I feel like I need to point out that we aren’t rushing into anything. “We’re taking our relationship really slow and he’s okay with that.”

Hope flares within me when she doesn’t immediately suggest that I stop seeing him.  Because I like Cole.  More than I’ve ever liked anyone else before.  Even though we’ve both agreed not to rush what’s happening between us, I know exactly where this is heading and I don’t want it to end.

“Well, it certainly sounds like this relationship is serious.”

I blow out a deep steady breath before a small smile curves my lips upward.  “I think it might be.”  And until that very moment, I didn’t realize just how much I wanted it to be serious.

“Have you shared your history with him?”  Even though she asks the question lightly, it sits heavily between us.  And just like that, a huge weight settles in the middle of my chest.

Fidgeting with my hands, I answer quietly, “No.”  We’re taking things slowly, I remind myself… he’s okay with not knowing everything right now.  At some point I’ll have to tell him… but we aren’t there yet.

Nodding her head, she asks more specifically, “Have you told him anything about the last year at all?”  Her direct gaze is unwavering.

“No.”  My voice becomes smaller.

I just need a little bit more time before I confide in him.  Before I expect him to swallow and accept everything I did.  Everything that happened.

Taking off her thin glasses, she sets them down carefully on the table next to her before holding my gaze.  “Cassidy, if you’re going to have a real relationship with someone, you need to be honest with them.  Is there a reason you haven’t been?”

Every last drop of happiness that I had been brimming with ten short minutes ago drains from my body leaving me to feel weighted down and restless.  Closing my eyes, I shake my head before shrugging helplessly.  “I don’t know.  I guess I’m afraid that he won’t be able to deal with everything that happened.  I don’t want his opinion of me to change and it will.”  A few gurgles of disheartened laughter bubble up within me.  “How could it not?”

“Opening yourself up, becoming vulnerable to another human being is a scary prospect.  But I also know that you need to be honest with him.  And with yourself.  You can’t have an authentic relationship with another person if you’re keeping parts of yourself locked away.  He needs to accept all of you, not just the pieces you choose to show him.”

Unconsciously I tug at the collar of my shirt feeling my chest start to tighten up.  “He understands that I’m not ready to open up just yet.  We’ve talked about it.  And I’m going to tell him- I really am.  I just want to give him a little more time to get to know the person I am now.”

Silently contemplative, she finally voices the words I’ve been dreading since I first sat down in her office. “Then maybe you aren’t ready for this just yet.  Perhaps your focus needs to be on you right now.”  Her eyes search mine.  “I know that’s difficult to hear but I think you need to give it some serious consideration.”

Even though I knew those words were coming, they still hit me like a massive blow.  My shoulders slump because deep down, in a place I haven’t wanted to acknowledge, I’ve secretly been pondering the very same thing.  Hearing her say the words out loud means that I truly have to consider the merit of them.

Maybe I’m not as ready as I thought I was.

Chapter Fourteen