Still Jaded (33 page)

"I didn't fall in love with him—" I stopped abruptly.

Bryce knew why I shut up. "That's right. You didn't
just
fall in love with him. You always
were
in love with him, weren't you? Since high school. Since us. Did you love him before you and I started together?"

I gulped. When he said it like that… Hanging my head, I closed my mouth. I had no answer because a part of me didn't want to give him the answer.

"I know that you know, Sheldon. You're right. Corrigan and I did a little experiment with you. We wanted you to admit what you were feeling for both of us, because all of us know you could repress that you're Ghandi if you wanted. So you know now. What do you know? You can't hide anymore."

How did his voice sound like it was taunting me?

"Go ahead. Ask me what you want to know." I crossed my arms over my chest and leaned back on my heels. Bryce was right. Since my breakthrough with Corrigan and since the car accident, a lot more facts had surfaced within me. He was right. I
did
know how I felt about both, how long I had, and when the feelings had surfaced. I wasn't ready to handle those feelings yet, not just yet.

"How long have you loved him?"

I stared him down. "Since before you."

He froze. "You knew in seventh grade?"

"No, Bryce! But yeah—I had feelings for him. We were friends before you—looking back, yes. There was probably a reason why Corrigan stuck and no one else did until you."

His eyes sparked. He almost looked hopeful.

I gentled my voice. "I don't know if I loved you or I lusted for you in the beginning. There are different types of love and you became one of them."

"And Corrigan?"

My throat was raw. "He's always been the other one. I never wanted to admit that."

Bryce's eyes went dead. "So what does that mean? What does that mean for us?"

"Us? As far as I know you're screwing someone else. I'm not that same girl from school. I won't be in love with someone who's screwing someone else. I might've been screwed up, but I'm better. I've had enough therapy. And I had my own personal shrink. I'm healthier now, a little bit."

He looked down, laughing softly.

When he didn't say anything right away, my insides were going to burst. I waited—I hoped, but I didn't know if I should have. He had chosen another woman, hadn't he?

Then he asked in a soft tone, "You still love me?"

"Are you stupid?!" I snapped. I couldn't help it.
He
was being the idiot this time.

"So you are?" He cracked a smile. "Still?"

For as long as I'd known Bryce, he had always had the upper hand over me. I was the mess, and he helped me clean it up. He knew me; I didn't know him, not in the same way. But now I saw the chink that had been there whole time. My eyes were clear when I looked at him. I saw someone who still had me in his heart. He loved me. He hoped that I still loved him. Then Corrigan flashed in my head, and I closed my eyes. It felt like someone stabbed my heart.

I had to choose…

I sighed, "I am going to be completely honest with you. I'm not holding anything back. I'm done with the lies. I'm done with the hiding. I want the cards out and where they fall, I think I'm okay with that—"

"Corrigan's not here," Bryce interrupted me.

"What?"

"He's not here. You're laying it all out, but whatever it is won't be fair. He's not here. I am. I don't want you to be biased because I'm here and he's not. You can't make a decision now and then regret it when you see him later. I couldn't handle losing you, again."

My eyes were hard. "Believe me. I'm not being biased towards you right now."

Bryce shut his mouth.

"But first you have to tell me the truth. Are you with her? Did you leave me for her?"

He laughed harshly. "I never left you. You were still a mess. Marcus screwed you up big time. He screwed all of us up. I should've gone to therapy. Corrigan too. We were all affected by him. I watched my girlfriend kill someone and you did it cold-bloodedly. I turned off the video for you. I protected you and he was the sicko, but you were in the wrong. You were the one who murdered him because you baited him. You went after him when we could've holed up and called the cops. We killed Marcus together, you and me. And I have to wonder if that had something to do with Spain. You wanted Corrigan all the time. You never wanted me. You feared me." As he chuckled again, the s
ound was ripped from him. He sounded haunted. "I understood what you were doing. Corrigan had been the one who got hurt. He was the innocent one out of the three of us. It made sense why you went to him all the time, and that's why I let you, but after awhile it hurt too goddamn much. I couldn't watch the two of you anymore. A part of me was relieved when Katrice got sick and he had to go back. I thought that I would finally get you back, but it didn't happen."

When he broke, I closed my eyes. I didn't think I could handle hearing what he had to say, but I had to. If I didn't then I'd regret this moment for the rest of my life.

He lifted stricken eyes to me. "I'm not perfect, and I know that I've made mistakes."

I narrowed mine. "What was Guadalupe? You needed her to get away from me?"

He looked away. "I screwed her once. It was after you left me. That's all. My manager caught wind of it, and he wanted us to stay together for the media. He still does. He thinks the Suns will pay me more for some reason. I have no idea, but I ended it with her in Spain. She's over here because she thinks she can get me back. I went along with it to push you away. You needed space from me so you could figure out your feelings for Corrigan. That was our plan the whole time. You just had to figure it out and then you could choose. Finally. Then we would all know."

I heard the pain. I head how overpowering it was.

He pressed, "I came back for you. I love you, and I know you love me too. I know you love him, but who do you love more?"

I closed my eyes. I knew where this was going.

"You stayed away from him when you came back. That meant something, but it wasn't what I had hoped. You stayed away from him because it was there; it was too strong between you two. You couldn't deal with that then. I get it. I know that I'm the one who made all this happen. I laid it all out with Corrigan. I told him I knew you had feelings, I knew he did too. You had to know it. You had to acknowledge them because only then can you really make a choice. You have to choose now, Sheldon."

My eyes snapped open. He was right there in front of me. His breath teased my skin. My hand lifted and I yearned to touch him, just one touch.

He rested his forehead against mine. "I love you. I never stopped. I want you to know how you feel for him because then you can deal with those feelings. I don't want Corrigan swimming in the deep end. I can't compete with him like that. It was like competing with a ghost. But now I can. Now you know and you can decide."

The words I'd been waiting for so long were finally spoken to me, but he'd changed things. Corrigan was there and he was strong. I didn't breathe the same way I used to around Bryce. My body didn't tingle like it used to, but it still did. It was all different, though.

His eyes looked so hopeful yet wrung out at the same time too.

I swallowed hard. "You just bared everything to me."

"I did."

"I thought you didn't want me to be biased and then you did that?"

He jerked away, and a wall slammed between us. "You're right, but I said my piece. This was my night to say my piece. Corrigan had his. He's had a whole bunch of nights. It's only fair that I can fight too. Isn't it? You wanted the truth, Sheldon. You just got it."

Oh yeah.

I got the truth.

I didn't think. I grabbed my purse and headed out.

"Where are you going?"

"I can't be here."

"You wanted the truth, Sheldon," Bryce called after me. "You can't leave like this. You're supposed to go with someone. It's not safe."

"I don't care." As I got outside, I stopped. My car was trashed—Corrigan. I had no idea where his car was. Bryce's car was there, but I didn't want to leave him stranded. Then I took a deep breath and looked at my garage. My father's car was still parked inside. He'd never come for it. I never wanted to use it, but I couldn't stay there and I needed to get away from Bryce. He was too much for me right now. I needed to breathe. So I went inside the garage and got inside the black sports car. When the engine purred to life, I knew why my father loved it so much. It was sleek and elegant. It was pure power.

It served my purpose.

I wasn't sure where I intended to go, but I found myself driving to the hospital. Bryce was right—it was stupid for me to be out alone, but I didn't care. A part of me wanted the stalker to try something. It'd be done. I could fight, yell, hurt back, but a part of me didn't feel that the stalker was going to try something. Or maybe I didn't even have one? The vandalism had been explained so that left the person who tried to break in and my messed with my car's brakes. They could've been done by two separate people…

It didn't matter that night. I walked through the waiting lounge and found it abandoned. The lights were low, giving the halls a vacant and eerie feeling. As I went past the nurses' desk, one lifted tired eyes to me from her paperwork, but then went back to it. She didn't care that I was there.

I was grateful.

When I walked to Corrigan's room, he looked like he'd been sleeping. A fan was propped in a corner, set on low to sound a soft buzz in the room. His windows had been opened and the street could be heard. Traffic whizzed by. Then I heard his head turn, and he asked in the dark, "Are you back with him?"

"You think that I would come in the middle of the night to tell you that I was with him?" I threw my purse in the chair.

"Yes. You'd do it because you'd feel guilty. You'd have to tell me right away. So are you?"

"No."

Relief flared in his eyes, but it was gone instantly. As I sat on the edge of his bed, he looked at me and the wall slammed down again. It was lined with cement bricks.

I murmured, "He told me everything. He told me his feelings. He told me that he talked to you and that you explained the kiss. He…"

"He?" There was a bite to his voice.

"He wants me to choose—"

"I'm not asking you to choose." His interruptio
n was swift. "I told you before. Our friendship works."

Swallowing hard, I leaned forward. "I know. Bryce wants me to choose."

"Then he's a douche, and I'd say that to his face. You can't choose. You're not okay to choose right now."

"Thanks." I'm not okay? What did that mean?

"You know what I mean."

"No, I don't. Why don't you tell me how crazy I am?" My voice was hard.

"You're crazy. You know it. You've been with Bryce for how long? Your relationship with him was never good. It might've been semi-healthy for a few months, tops, but that was it. You two were never good together. Admit that. You wanted him to hook up with other girls half the time."

"What does that have to do with me choosing? From the sounds of it, there is no choice. He wants me. You don't. No choice!" I grimaced when I heard my voice start to rise.

"You need to be away from him for six months before you can make any choice. And don't get like that. No choice, my ass."

I glared at him. If anyone else,
anyone
, talked to me like that, they might not have woken up the next morning, but Corrigan could. Some days I asked myself why he had that power.

When I didn't respond, he flashed his teeth at me. He taunted me. "See? You know I'm right."

"I am not the complete imbecile that you think I am."

He snorted. "That's your only response?"

He saw it was and relaxed in bed. Lifting the remote, he started to flip through the channels. I sat back beside him and wondered where the exact moment things had started to change. If it had been before Marcus, because of Marcus, or sometime after Marcus? Then I looked over at Corrigan. The television's light illuminated his eyes. There was a seriousness there that'd always been inside of him, but he never let it out. It was on the surface now, and I knew it was because of me. He'd been the joker, the player, the never-take-me-seriously guy except when he was angry. Then he was the Corrigan that no one wanted to mess with. That Corrigan meant business, and he was ruthless in doing what he had to do.

"What?" he asked without looking at me. He flipped to another channel and looked bored.

I knew he wasn't.

I squeezed his free hand. "Everything will be okay. I'll make sure that everything's okay."

He squeezed back. "But it can't be, Sheldon. You know that."

"You don't want me to choose. We'll all be okay then—"

"You can't choose. Not yet. Bryce knows that." He looked at me.

I gulped from the intensity in his eyes.