Still Water (22 page)

Holy shit, I hadn't seen her since the night of Lizzie's wedding. I was in such bad shape that night. I don't really even remember much about it; all I could recall from that night was that I was out of my mind drunk, and Emma and I had apparently slept together. I had no idea how, or even why that even happened. I mean, I dated that chick for a bit, but she was so uptight about sex, about saving herself for marriage; she was way too moral for the fucking likes of me. So, it was surprising she took me back to her place that night. The sad thing was, I didn't even remember it. All I remember was driving in her car and then waking up next to her as she was crying. I felt like the biggest piece of garbage. I mean, the girl I thought I loved had just married another man, and there I was, drunk as shit, waking up next to a crying girl. Low point.

"Emma Dawson? I haven't seen her since your wedding. She's a nurse?" I asked without real interest. Sailor slapped my nose; I pretended to bite her fingers as she smacked my nose some more. I loved this fat little baby girl.

"Yeah, she told me she graduated last year. Changed her major; I guess. I had heard she was struggling awhile back.Apparently she's a single parent, but I guess this nursing degree has helped her get on her feet." Liz smiled, and I just stared at her blankly.

"Single parent? She's got a kid? When did that happen?" I couldn't believe Emma-fucking-Dawson had gotten knocked up. Man, I missed a lot when I moved away.

"Her daughter, I think she said her name was Molly, is two years old. I guess the father's not involved, which is too bad. She told me today that she had her that November after Sawyer and I were married."

My head started to spin, and the acid in my stomach began to churn. Emma had a two-year-old daughter? The morning after Liz's wedding ran like a movie in my mind.

My head was pounding, where the hell was I? I sat up, the alcohol still burning my throat. I was still wasted. I scrubbed my palm down my face, the feeling of cotton in my mouth. Why was this damn chick crying?

"You okay, sweetheart?" My words slurred. Shit, I was still so drunk.

"No Todd, I'm not okay… I'm one hundred levels below okay. I'm so screwed." The girl started to cry harder.

"What's… what—?"

"Just stop, I made a huge mistake. What am I going to do?" She stood from the bed, and I could feel her staring at me.

I lifted my head; the light made my headache split nails in my temples. Emma Dawson. Emma Dawson? I took in her appearance — the sexed up hair, the black lace panties, and small tank. I looked down at my naked body covered in a sheet. Holy shit, I banged Emma Dawson. I think?

"Did we?" I pointed to her, then myself.

"Yes, Todd, we had sex. Oh my gosh, what was I thinking?" She sounded irritated. I felt bad. The fact I couldn't remember shit meant that I probably sucked, and she didn't get hers. Wow… Emma Dawson. Wait, did she just say, 'What was I thinking?'

"The fuck? That's rude." I stood and found my pants on the floor. I stumbled as I tried to get dressed.

"You were a mess. I felt so sorry for you, Todd. You were crying and—" Crying? This chick was crazy. I listened as she rambled on; my inebriated brain had a hard time keeping up. "I brought you here to try and sober you up. Like we used to, remember? You'd come over, tell me all your crap about Lizzie, I'd listen, and you'd fall asleep. Like old times, I thought. But you were so sad, and I've always cared about you, but you just never saw past her." Emma angrily grabbed her jeans and shoved her legs through each pant leg. "I broke down. You kissed me, and, heaven help me, I had a slip in judgment. I let my love for you cloud my brain, and I did the one thing I never thought I'd do. I let you use me." Emma started sobbing.

The bile in my stomach started to rise. She loved me? I used her? She let me. How could I let this happen? "I'm… I'm
—"

"Don't freaking say you're sorry. It broke, Todd! It freaking broke. Now what am I supposed to do? I hope for both our sakes nothing happens, because I can't do this with you."

I broke her? I was so confused, and the taste of pennies pooled in my mouth. "I think I'm going to be sick."

This whole time I thought she meant I broke her heart. When she said she couldn't do this with me, I thought she meant a fucking relationship, which I didn't want anyway so I didn't ask questions.

"Todd, you look pale. Are you sick?" Elizabeth stood and took her daughter from my arms.

Did she mean the condom broke? When she said she "
Couldn't do this with me."
Did she mean be a parent? The numbers and dates ran through my brain, making me feel dizzy.

The ICU doors swung open, and the female's voice rang in my ears. "Lizzie, Sawyer is back, he's asking—"

The loud clang of her clipboard dropping to the floor was all the confirmation I needed, as her face turned white as a sheet and her trembling hands hung limply at her sides. "Todd?" My name fell from her shaky lips, and I knew only two things in that moment. I was a father, and my daughter's name was Molly.

T
HE TEARS THAT FILLED
her eyes and spilled down her cheek cut me open, and the loss of feeling in my limbs tingled like pins and needles as if I were becoming paralyzed. The surrounding noise faded, and the clean, white walls of the hospital waiting room started to blur. My breathing felt superficial, but I could feel the anger start to scorch its way through my veins. This damn girl stood here weeping, and the only sentiment coursing through me was rage.

"T-Todd, I… I—" Emma stammered.

Liz's voice was faint in the background. She was asking me something, but the throbbing in my temples blocked it out. My jaw ached from how hard it had been clenched. Emma looked at me, and she saw the hurt and the betrayal plain as day on my face.

Taking in the stale hospital air, I attempted to speak through my haze of anger. "How could you?" My throat contracted. I didn't cry. I was a fucking man, but for some reason, I felt pain trying to leak its way through my eyes. "How could you not tell me? I'm… I'm… a father?" My breathing was deep and measured as I tried to gain control of the shit storm in my head.

Elizabeth gasped. "Todd, what? Emma?" Lizzie's voice quivered as she realized what I was saying.

Emma took five steps toward me only leaving a small space between us. Everything in me repelled, and my hand twitched. "Back away from me, please." The words were calm, but I was anything but.

"Todd, listen… please." Emma reached for me, and I took a step back.

"Don't." My heart was hammering. I needed to get out of here, but the need for answers swarmed inside my sick gut. My head progressively started to let my surroundings fall into place. Elizabeth was standing next to Seth, two cups of coffee in his hand, and his mouth was in a firm line as he took in the scene before him.

"I c-can't do this here. Please let me –"

"Explain! Are you kidding me? On what plane of existence is it okay to keep a father away from his child?" My hand clutched around her upper arm pulling her closer to me. "By all means, explain it to me."

"Todd, bro, calm down," Seth's voice was a whisper. "This isn't the place, man."

"Todd, please…" Emma's soft cry carved me open. Lessening my grip on her arm, my glare met hers, and guilt emptied from her brown eyes. "I'm about to go on break. Please, just wait here. Let me take Elizabeth back to her husband, and then I'll tell you everything. Just… just wait here. I need… just don't disappear again." She quickly wiped the tears from her eyes as I dropped my hold on her arm.

Elizabeth gave me a pointed look gluing me in place before she walked back with Emma. She was making sure I wouldn't run, because that's what I had done wasn't it? I ran, I
"disappeared."
The heaviness of my legs caused me to stumble as I moved to the chair and sat down. Seth stood before me and handed me my cup of coffee.

"Looks like you need this even more than I do." Seth's sarcastic bullshit was not what I needed right now.

"Don't even start with your shit. This isn't a fucking joke." My voice was louder than it should have been for an ICU waiting room.

"I'm not making a joke. I heard what you said. You're in some shit then?" he asked as he sat in the black plastic chair next to me.

I couldn't speak, so I just nodded my head. My heart was in my damn throat. The weight of this revelation, the fact I had a daughter… It was as if I was sinking fast into deep water, and the feeling of suffocation started to work its way into my lungs.

"May I make a suggestion?" Seth's tenor implied I didn't have a choice.

"By all means, please… please tell me how to feel. Because right now, all I want to do is scream, Seth. I want to know how the fuck Emma thought it was okay to not tell me I had a kid." The words were a hissed whisper. My molars mashed together, but it didn't ease the ache in my chest, not by a long shot.

"You need to calm… the… hell… down," he spoke slowly. "You want to see your kid? Then chill. This chick holds all the damn keys, man. Don't let another girl ruin your life — don't let her control you like that. You take what's yours, but do the right thing. Remember it's not all about you anymore. It's about that child, too. Trust me when I say this, your kid needs both of you." Seth stood and gave me a firm clip on the shoulder with his fist just as Emma came through the automatic doors. "You got this?"

I nodded.

"I'll head to the studio. Want me to text Lily and have her meet me there?"

Lily. The name sounded twisted. How the hell could I even begin to explain this to her? She was my one right thing, and no matter what, no matter how hard I tried, I was bound to mess it up.

"Yeah, let her know I'll be late. I'm not even—"

"Stop, don't let this shit ruin you. I can't watch you go down that road again. You got this or not, bro?"

The breath that pulled into my lungs allowed me to say yes, allowed me to say the lie. In reality, I didn't have this… I didn't have anything.

T
HE RAIN HAD LET UP
, so Emma and I were sitting outside in the hospital courtyard. The silence was killing me, but I wasn't sure what to say; the anger I felt just wanted to boil over. My eyes were fixed on a small speck of dirt that clung to Emma's scrub pants. It was so small, but it was the one detail that kept me in check. This small distraction created a little bit of reality for me to cling to.

"She looks just like you." Emma's voice cracked causing my bubble of peace to burst. I could hear the air leaving my lungs. Those five words were like a punch to the gut. "When I look at her every day, I'm reminded of you. Of how much I loved you. Of how much you loved Liz. You were so blind. What would you have done? Would you have married me? Lived a miserable life until you resented me and Molly for taking away your freedom, your spirit? I couldn't do that to you. You were already so lost… it never would have worked with us." She wiped at her eyes. She was hurting, but so was I.

"I would have liked the fucking
choice
." The last word erupted from my lips. My hand ran through my hair as my jaw pulled tighter than it ever had before.

"The choice, Todd? The choice? What should have I chosen? I'm all ears." She sat up straight, and her hard stare met mine.

"Me… Emma, you should have chosen me. That's all I've ever wanted… to be someone's choice. You of all people should've known that." The words were hard to say, but they were true. Emma and I had a rocky past, but she had always been there for me. Emma's eyes softened, and a sob spilled from her trembling lips. I felt like a dick, but, damn it, I was still so pissed. "Hell Em, I'd be a great father… I'm
going
to be a great father, and I could have loved you. We could've made it work. I never thought you wanted anything with me. You always chose your faith over me every damn time." Emma had belonged to a super strict non-denominational church; they didn't mess around when it came to following their commandments. She used to push me away anytime I tried to get close to her.
What else was I supposed to think?