Stink and The Ultimate Thumb-Wrestling Smackdown (3 page)

“I’m counting how many times I can bounce it off the wall — 107, 108, 109 — without dropping it. Like a science experiment.”

“Your science experiment could be to see how many times you can beat your little brother at thumb-wrestling.”

“Stink. You’re wrecking my concentration.”

Stink did not stop talking. “Did you know that thumb-wrestling goes way-way-way back to the time of the Romans?”

“Uh-huh. 110, 111, 112, 113.”

“Back then, they thumb-wrestled in a big stadium. Bazillions of people came to watch.”

“Uh-huh.” 114, 115, 116

“And they thumb-wrestled
to the death.
”

Judy stopped bouncing the ball. “That is SO not true. People don’t die from thumb-wrestling.”

“They wrestled to the death . . .
of the thumb.
You were the loser when your thumbnail turned all black and gross and fell off. Then the winner took the gross thumbnail and ran around the arena with it. The crowds went wild and yelled, ‘All hail the thumbnail.’”

“Stink, you lie like a guy with a booger in his eye.”

“Nah-uh. I swear.” He held up his left thumb. “Thumb-wrestler’s honor. Now that you know how cool and gross it is, will you thumb-wrestle me?”

“Still no.”

“Not even if I give you my Liberty Bell postcard and my Ocean Breeze Water Park squished penny?”

“You’ve got to come up with something better than that, Stink.”

“I promise not to put my smelly feet on you for one whole entire week.”

“Tempting,” said Judy. She flung the ball against the wall extra hard.

“Never mind. I’m stronger anyway.”

“Are not,” said Judy.

“Am too,” said Stink.

“Are not.”

“Prove it,” said Stink. “Prove it like Nancy Drew.”

“Okay, I give. But remember, I’m up to 128.” Judy set the ball down.

Stink put on Shark Hammersmash. Judy drew a way-moody mood face on her thumbnail. “Shark Hammersmash, meet Manta Ray Moody.”

Judy and Stink locked fingers. “May the best thumb win,” said Judy.

“One, two, three, four, I declare a thumb war!” In two seconds flat, Judy crushed Stink’s thumb with her index finger. “I win!” she shouted.

“No fair! Fingers are against the law. The first Rule of Thumb is no snakes, bugs, trapdoors, or sidekicks. And definitely NO Santa’s Little Helper.”

“Huh?”

“No sneak attacks from fingers. Just thumbs.”

“Fine. But you’re goin’ down, Shark Hammersmash. You’re goin’ down so far, your undies will be dragging in the dirt.”

Stink ducked his thumb.

“The Manta Ray is gonna crush you like ice, Shark. You’re a snow cone.”

“I am not a snow cone. Stop saying stuff.”

Judy pointed out the window. “Look! Halley’s Comet!”

“You just want me to look away so you can body slam me.”

“Busted,” said Judy. “But there IS a giant jawbreaker on the bookcase. No, wait. It’s a moon rock! You gotta see it, Stink.”

“Later.” He dipped his thumb one, two, three times.

“Yeti alert! Behind you. Very big, very hairy yeti! No lie.”

Yeti?
Stink turned to look.

“Gotcha!” said Judy. “One, two, three. Smackdown! I pinned you for three counts. I win. Take that, Shark Hammersmash.”

“But you made me look.”

“So? It’s not my fault that you fell for the old Yeti trick. Manta Ray Moody rules! Shark Hammersmash is mincemeat. Shark Hammersmash is chopped liver.”

“Shark Hammersmash is ripped! Look what you did. He lost one eye.”

“Told you. Never tangle with the Moodinator.”

Judy drew stitches like a Frankenstein scar on Stink’s mask. Then she wrapped a pirate Band-Aid around its head. And she gave him a black eye where his googly eye used to be. “Now he looks way tougher. He’s been knocked out a few times, but he has cool scars to show for it.”

“
Franken
shark Hammersmash,” said Stink, grinning from ear to ear.

On the bus, Shark Hammersmash thumb-wrestled Rocky and Frank. In the boys’ room, Shark Hammersmash thumb-wrestled Skunk. The Shark went down one, two, three times.

At morning recess, at lunch, and on the playground, Shark Hammersmash thumb-wrestled Riley Rottenberger (still rotten), Heather Strong (who really
was
strong), and some first-grader named Johnson Splink (no lie). The Shark took a beating every time.

In class, Mrs. D. was teaching about money. Dollars and cents. Quarters, dimes, and nickels. She passed out trays of fake paper money and plastic coins.

“Pair up with your partner and help each other make correct change. I’ll be in the hall hanging artwork. So I’m going to turn on the Yack Buster Deluxe.”

Not the Yack Buster Deluxe! The Yack Buster Deluxe 6XM was a stoplight in the corner of the room. When Class 2D kept their voices low, the light stayed green. If they started to get noisy, the light turned yellow. If they got way too noisy, the stoplight turned red. In the deluxe model, a siren even went off.

Stink Moody did NOT have a good track record with the Yack Buster Deluxe 6XM. Once he’d dropped his math book and the siren had gone off. Another time he fell off his chair and the siren went cuckoo.
Woo-oo-woo!

Mrs. D. turned on the machine. The green light blinked. The red light was not lit up, but it stared at Stink like a black eye waiting to happen.

As soon as Mrs. D. left the room, Stink said to Sophie, “Let’s thumb-wrestle.”

“Thumb-wrestle? I don’t know how.”

Thunderation! The Shark had found his bait. Stink would beat the pants off Sophie in a mini smackdown.
No problemo!

“I’ll show you,” said Stink.

“In the middle of math class?”

“It only takes two seconds.”
Two seconds to crush you,
Stink thought.

Stink taught Sophie how to lock hands. Stink taught Sophie the rules. Stink taught Sophie to say, “One, two, three, four, I declare a thumb war!”

“I don’t like war games.”

“It’s not
really
war,” said Stink. “It’s wrestling. Think of it like
a sport.
”

“Then why did you say war?”

“It rhymes with
four,
” said Stink.

“S’more
rhymes with
four,
” said Sophie. “One, two, three, four, I declare a thumb s’more!”

The S’more Showdown began. Stink thumb-wrestled with all his might, but Sophie pinned him flat for three counts in no time. He was a s’more, all right. A smushed-flat marshmallow.

“Go again,” said Stink. Stink bit his tongue. Stink tried not to think of s’mores.

Class 2D forgot all about the Yack Buster Deluxe 6XM.

“Smash her down, Shark!” yelled the boys.

“Watch out for the Marshmallow-izer!” said the girls.

Sophie took Stink down again. “Just call me Sophie of the Thumbs.”

“Best out of three?” Stink asked.

Nobody was doing math. Nobody was counting fake money. The room got loud. The room got louder.

“Get the butter — you’re toast!” yelled the boys.

“Prepare to die, Shark Hammersmash!” the girls yelled back.

The Yack Buster’s yellow light came on, blazing bright as the sun. Nobody noticed. The Yack Buster’s red light came on. Nobody stopped.

Woo-oo-woo!
The Yack Buster’s siren went off, louder than a smoke alarm. Louder than a fire truck. “Make it stop!” Stink yelled. “Before we get in mucho trouble!”

Stink raced over to the Yack Buster. He could not find the off button.