Stockings and Cellulite (36 page)

‘I’m just hypothesising. After all, you can’t spend money
up there.
’

Every spare penny Stevie had earned had been frittered away on gadgets and boys’ toys without much consideration for the rest of the family.

Thank God Jamie was different. When Philly had died so tragically, he had collected a substantial sum of money on life insurance. When he’d emotionally recovered enough to deal with monetary matters, Jamie had taken financial advice. A number of highly successful investments had been made with lucrative returns. That money, together with my not inconsiderable bond, had resulted in us being able to buy Lilac Lodge outright. The financial future was looking even rosier because Jamie had New Year plans to go into partnership with an ex-officer offering specialist security consultancy to major City banks.

‘If this comes to fruition Cassie,’ Jamie had said only last night, ‘and I’m pretty sure it will, then we’ll be living like pigs in clover.’

Well I was all for that. The more clover the better.

The phone rang again. I plugged the kettle in and hastened to the handset.

‘Hello?’

Another wall of silence.

‘Who is this?’ I demanded.

The response was whispered so softly that at first I wasn’t sure I’d heard correctly.

‘
Bitch
.’

My jaw dropped. ‘Wha-?’

But I was talking to nobody. The line had gone dead.

‘Who was that Cassie?’ asked Jamie coming in through the back door. Cold air from the updraft blasted my bare arms making the tiny hairs stand up.

‘It was that silent caller again. I’ve had two in the last ten minutes.’

Jamie frowned. ‘They’re getting to be a bit of a nuisance.’

‘The person spoke this time.’

‘Oh?’

‘She called me a bitch.’

‘She?’

‘Yes, it was a woman.’

I felt thoroughly upset. Stevie’s teenaged girlfriend had come at me all emotional guns blazing earlier in the year. Was it her calling me? But surely not. She knew I couldn’t care less about Stevie any more. So if it wasn’t somebody to do with Stevie, was it perhaps somebody to do with Jamie? And, if so, whom?

‘Why is a woman ringing this house and why is she calling me a bitch?’ I asked shrilly.

‘Steady darling,’ Jamie put his arms around me. ‘If the calls are getting distressing then it might be best to change our telephone number. I’ll sort it out,’ he dropped a kiss on my forehead. ‘Meanwhile something smells good,’ Jamie rubbed his hands together in anticipation. ‘One of mum’s shepherd pies eh?’

‘Yes. Good old Edna,’ I smiled gamely. ‘After dinner I thought I’d pop over to Nell’s for a catch up. Is that okay?’

‘Of course it is. How is she?’

‘Well okay on the surface but,’ I hesitated searching for words best to describe my old neighbour’s current frame of mind, ‘she’s just not the same since that miscarriage business.’

‘In what way?’

‘Well for starters she’s bonkers about that loopy red setter of hers.’

‘Ah yes. Raucous Rocket.’

‘The very one and same. And to be perfectly honest I’m wondering if she and Ben are going through a rocky patch.’

‘No way,’ Jamie pooh-poohed. ‘Ben adores Nell.’

‘Yes I’m sure he does. But I’m not so sure Nell adores Ben anymore.’

A few hours later I turned into my old cul-de-sac, bumping slowly over the sleeping policemen whilst looking for somewhere to park. The road was full of stationary vehicles at this time of night. Reaching the end, I negotiated an awkward five point turn before driving back towards Nell’s house. Oh good. It appeared she had some extra space on her driveway after all. Grinding the gear into reverse, I shot backwards straight into a parked car.

‘Bloody hell,’ I screeched as I lurched towards the windscreen and then back into my seat. ‘What was that?’

I appeared to have driven into a visitor’s dark motor that had been invisible in the blackness of night.

Gnashing my teeth in fury, I slipped out of the car intent on a discreet inspection. There wasn’t a blemish on either vehicle. Thank God for small mercies. Suddenly a man shot out of Nell’s house, arms waving like windmills.

‘Hey you!’ he yelled. ‘What have you done to my car?’

‘It’s okay. There’s no damage.’

The man fussed about, peering intently at an area over the front bumper, examining the chrome, standing back and then immediately leaping forward again to rub an imaginary scuff from the nearside headlight with the sleeve of his cassock. I did a double take. What I’d originally thought to be a long black overcoat was indeed a cassock and – yes – around his neck was a Roman collar. He seemed horribly familiar. My brain whirred backwards through memory cells, defining data. Vicar. Quite a few months ago. Matchmaking attempt. Self-righteous prat. Clive! Oh hell.

I had an inkling that I’d insulted Clive regarding the bible and compared Jesus to a magician. Had it been Paul Daniels? I struggled to remember. Had I, perchance, suggested that the Son of God wore a hairpiece and was married to Debbie McGee?

Clive straightened up. ‘Ah, it’s you.’ He looked at me with disdain. ‘I presume you are over the limit.’

‘Ex
cuse
me?’ I sucked my breath in, outraged.

‘I seem to remember you being partial to excessive consumption of alcohol. No doubt you over-indulged earlier this evening and now your driving skills are impaired. Please furnish me with your insurance details.’

‘But there’s not a mark on either vehicle!’

‘Appearances can be deceptive,’ Clive narrowed his eyes. ‘God works in strange ways. He tests things. Can you guarantee that when I drive off the suspension won’t collapse as a direct result of your car’s impact?’

‘Don’t be ridiculous,’ I snorted.

‘My vehicle is of paramount importance,’ Clive’s chest swelled. ‘How else am I to get out and about, spread the Word and visit my people?’

‘Oh I do beg your pardon. I didn’t realise I’d reversed into the Pope Mobile.’

Nell suddenly appeared on her doorstep. ‘Coo-ee. Is everything all right?’

‘No it’s not,’ snapped Clive. ‘This woman is a drunk driver and I’m calling the police.’

‘Surely there’s no need for that?’ Nell looked anxious. Wrapping her cardigan about her, she came over and began inspecting both cars.

Clive whipped out a mobile phone from the depths of his cassock.

‘Well if you’re going to call the police then I will too!’ I trilled rooting around in my handbag. Viciously I punched out our home number.

‘Why don’t we all go inside and have a nice cup of coffee and discuss this like sensible adults?’ Nell reasoned.

The line connected and started to ring. ‘Where’s Ben?’ I hissed in Nell’s ear. ‘Can’t you get him to sort this fruitcake out?’

‘He’s not here,’ Nell whispered back. ‘He’s at the pub. He’s not Clive’s greatest fan these days.’

‘I’m not surprised.’ I rolled my eyes. I could hear Clive talking urgently into his mobile demanding a posse of police to come to his assistance
right now
.

‘Hello?’ I heard Jamie’s familiar voice.

‘Oh thank God! Darling, please can you drive to Nell’s as soon as possible. I’m about to be arrested for drink driving.’

‘Cassie what on earth are you talking about?’

‘Just get here quick,’ I urged as a panda car glided into the cul-de-sac, blue light flashing ominously. I snapped the handset shut as the driver’s door opened. And out got Selina.

Her eyes widened slightly when she saw me and then her mouth twisted into a grim smile.

‘Well look what we’ve got here,’ she mocked. ‘If you’re not causing chaos on ski slopes then apparently you’re causing chaos on driveways.’

‘How dare you!’

‘Oh I dare Mrs Cherry because I’m a police officer. And I’m on the right side of the law,’ she got out a notebook and pen, ‘whereas you are on the wrong side. Okay. Let’s start off with you Sir. Name?’

Selina turned to Clive leaving me mouthing like an indignant goldfish. What a bloody bitch! Just at that moment another car swung into the cul-de-sac. I swooned with relief as Jamie got out.

‘Hello Nell,’ Jamie strode up the driveway, ‘Cassie what the devil is going on here?’

Selina swung round to face Jamie. ‘Hello lover boy.’

Lover boy?

‘Selina,’ Jamie nodded. He looked very guarded.

Clive straightened up. ‘Are you a policeman too?’

‘Yes, albeit an off duty one.’

‘You’ve come as back up!’ Clive’s eyes lit up as he smiled adoringly at Jamie.

‘It’s all just a silly misunderstanding,’ Nell chimed in.

Five minutes later one disgruntled vicar had been reassured and soothed.

‘Thank you so much Officer for explaining things to me,’ he gushed, hands fluttering about in a camp fashion.

Selina was far from happy and wanted to throw the book at both Clive and me for wasting police time.

‘I’ll talk to you in the morning –
darling
,’ she hissed at Jamie before stomping off down the driveway.

‘Jeez Cassie,’ Jamie sighed when Clive had finally driven off. ‘How do you do it?’

‘Thank you so much for your support,’ I snapped. ‘I’ve had a lunatic vicar harassing me and on top of all that your charmless ex-girlfriend to contend with.’

I rounded on Nell. ‘And what was that moron doing here in the first place?’

‘He came to talk to me about baptism.’

‘Well couldn’t you have popped along to his rectory to discuss Dylan being christened?’

‘Oh it’s not for Dylan,’ Nell smiled beatifically. ‘It’s for Rocket.’

‘Your dog?’ asked Jamie in surprise.

‘Yes! Clive is one of those trendy vicars who consider pets to be proper family members. He recently started up a funeral service and pet cemetery. Now he’s thinking of introducing a baptism service. Rocket is a pilot scheme.’

Jamie scratched his forehead. ‘You mean Clive is going to splash water on Rocket’s muzzle and absolve her from chasing next door’s cat and failing to come to heel?’

‘Well there’s a bit more to it than that, but you’re on the right track.’

‘I see,’ said Jamie. ‘Well girls, if you don’t require me any longer I’ll be getting back and helping Mum.’

‘Helping?’ I asked. ‘What’s Edna doing that she needs help with?’

‘Oh nothing much really. She’s jig-sawing a horse shaped corkboard for the girls to hang their rosettes and pony stuff on. See you later.’ Jamie planted a kiss on my rigid cheek.

‘Great,’ I hissed after my fiancé’s departing back. ‘Just great.’

‘You are so lucky having a future mother-in-law like Edna.’

‘I must remember that the next time I feel like Edna has totally taken over my home, my fiancé, our children and our lives.’ I followed Nell down her hallway into the kitchen.

‘Oh Cass don’t be like that. Come on, park your bottom and calm down. I’ll put the kettle on. Here, have one of these too,’ Nell put a plate of gingerbread men on the table. ‘Who was the sultry female cop who seemed to know you?’

‘You’ve met her before.’

Nell looked at me blankly. ‘Really?’

‘Yes, remember when we were uproariously drunk at your mate’s fortieth birthday bash several months ago? Selina was in the police car with Jamie when he took us home.’

‘I thought she looked familiar.’

‘She’s also Jamie’s ex-girlfriend,’ I snarled biting the head off a gingerbread man.

‘Oh.’

‘Yes. Oh.’

‘Well don’t let her bug you. You’re tonnes prettier than her,’ Nell said loyally. ‘Now let’s talk about Clive. Don’t you think he’s very distinguished looking?’

‘Guess what?’ said Jamie the following evening as I cleared the dinner table. ‘One of my colleagues is having a house warming bash in a couple of weeks. We’re invited.’

‘Ooh a party,’ I smiled happily whilst scraping leftovers into the bin, ‘I’ll have to buy a new dress!’

‘It will probably be more of a jeans and T-shirt thing in all honesty. I must say, all the lads are dying to meet you.’

I suddenly froze mid-scrape. As a fellow colleague, Selina might be on the guest list. I was still smarting from our impromptu meeting yesterday, not to mention the ‘lover boy’ remark.

‘What’s with the sudden glum face?’ Jamie asked.

‘Oh you know,’ I shrugged and resumed the plate scraping, ‘this and that. My period’s late and I seem to feel constantly worn out.’

‘Come here,’ Jamie took the plate off me before wrapping me in his arms. ‘Of course you’re tired Cassie. It’s only to be expected. After all, there’s so much happening at the moment.’

‘Such as?’

‘Well think about it. This year alone you’ve divorced, returned to work, met me, sold your home, moved house, committed to a large ready-made family and now we’re planning a wedding.’

‘Are we?’

‘Are we what?’

‘You said we’re planning a wedding. Are we?’

Was it my imagination or did Jamie suddenly look shifty?

‘Well, figuratively speaking. I mean, as soon as we’ve settled into Lilac Lodge properly, then yes, definitely. It would be nice to know our wedding is the next thing on the agenda. And of course we have Morag’s and Matt’s nuptials coming up. Which reminds me, they want us to have a get together this weekend – social and pleasure – but predominantly to discuss a date, flights and so forth.’

‘What are we doing about the kids?’ I could feel my stress levels soaring. ‘It isn’t feasible to take them to the Bahamas with us.’

‘No, probably not. We’ll sort that side of things out in due course.’

As Saturday night dawned, we left Edna – who still showed no signs of going home – with the four children and drove to Matt’s. Morag had now fully moved in and rented out her own place.

‘Fantastic to see you both,’ she trilled undulating over, her bosom reaching us several seconds before the rest of her caught up. ‘Mwah, mwah,’ she kissed the air between us just as Matt appeared from the kitchen where the most delicious aroma of garlic and herbs pervaded.

‘Cassie! Mac! Come in – grub’s almost ready,’ greeted Matt handing us both a brimming glass. ‘Get your tastebuds around this full bodied red. It’s almost as cheeky as my full bodied blonde,’ Matt winked at Morag who immediately smouldered and blew her fiancé a kiss. Jamie gave me a sidelong grin.