Stockings and Cellulite (42 page)

I squared my shoulders and looked around for the handy ice bucket that should have been on the table. Disappointingly there was only a single glass of wine. Hers. No matter. I picked it up and flung it in her face. Before she could even react I’d flipped her dinner plate into her lap. For some strange reason Jamie didn’t have a dinner plate in front of him. A buttered bread roll sat forlornly on Selina’s side plate. That would do. I grabbed it and stuffed it inside Jamie’s denim shirt.

‘What the-?’

As previously, a collective gasp sounded around the restaurant followed by an electrified buzz as diners began nudging each other. But before the waiters could frogmarch the raving blonde out of the restaurant, I’d already spun on my heel and sprinted off, very aware that Jamie had now leapt to his feet and was charging after me, complete with bread roll décolletage. I dashed back towards the bar area – straight towards Euan who was heading my way. Oh
God
.

Swerving to the left I spotted the Ladies and catapulted through the door… smack into Euan’s wife. It was too much. Cornered from every direction, I flattened against the wash basins and burst into tears.

‘Please don’t cry,’ she implored grabbing one of my trembling hands. I shrunk away from her. ‘I’m so glad I’ve bumped into you,’ she babbled, ‘I owe you such a massive apology for the awful time I gave you in that restaurant. I know it wasn’t your fault. Euan and I had a huge row and he confessed everything and promised me you were totally innocent. I’m so sorry about the humiliation you suffered. It must have been dreadful discovering that your boyfriend was a liar and then enduring his wife on the warpath too.’

‘That’s very decent of you,’ I dabbed some paper towels over my wet eyes. ‘And I’m sorry too for being part of your pain, even though at the time I was blissfully ignorant about the true marital facts.’

‘What I did to you in public was unforgivable.’

‘Oh I don’t know,’ I gave a shaky laugh. ‘I’ve just taken a leaf out of your book and done exactly the same thing to my fiancé.’

‘Oh Lord. Why?’

‘I’ve just discovered him dining with his-’ I choked over the word, ‘mistress.’

‘Oh dear. I know exactly what you’re going through. But you
must
talk about it with your man because things might still work out. Euan played around because he thought – mistakenly I might add – that
I
was having affairs. But I wasn’t. It was work that got in the way all the time. I’m an accountant,’ she added by way of explanation.

‘Well I’m nothing as high flying as that. I’m just a part-time secretary and mother.’ I took another paper towel and blew my nose. ‘I divorced my husband earlier this year because of his constant infidelity. I rebounded horribly with Euan believing him to be a free agent – and now I’ve been cheated on
again
,’ my voice rose to a shriek.’

‘Oh you poor love,’ she swooped and pulled me into her arms. At that moment there was a commotion outside the Ladies followed by banging on the door.

‘CASSIE?’ Jamie yelled on the other side of the wooden panels. ‘I know you’re in there. Please come out and talk to me. I can explain everything.’

‘You see!’ Euan’s wife smiled encouragingly, ‘It’s time to kiss and make up.’

‘Hardly. Apart from anything else I’ve just ruined his favourite shirt.’

‘Shirts can be replaced, relationships can’t. Go and talk to him.’

‘CASSIE!’ Jamie bellowed again, ‘I LOVE YOU DAMMIT!’

‘Go on,’ Euan’s wife nodded in the direction of the door. ‘Go and sort it out. I’m really glad to have met you again. My name’s Maggie by the way.’

‘RIGHT!’ yelled Jamie, ‘I’ve had enough and I’m COMING IN!’

‘Thanks,’ I gave Maggie a watery smile. ‘It was nice to meet you properly too. And I’m Cassandra.’

She hugged me tightly, just as Jamie barged in. His eyes widened as he saw his fiancée in an apparent clinch with another woman.

‘This is Maggie,’ I said to Jamie, pulling apart.

‘Hello Maggie,’ he said warily.

‘I’m Euan’s wife.’

Jamie nodded, none the wiser.

‘I’m Euan,’ said the man himself standing behind Jamie and looking rather sheepish. ‘Are you ready Mags?’

‘Coming honey-bunny. Bye Cassandra.’

‘Bye Maggie.’

‘Cass,’ Euan inclined his head.

‘Euan,’ I nodded coolly back.

‘Bye pal,’ Euan patted Jamie on the back.

‘Er, bye mate.’ Jamie turned to face me. ‘What the hell is going on?’

‘
You
tell
me
,’ I snarled just as my mobile phone began to ring.

‘I will if you’d only give me a chance,’ he howled.

I flipped the phone open. ‘Hello?’

‘Cass where the devil are you?’ squawked Nell. ‘I’ve been sitting at my kitchen table with two coffees and a plate of Hob Nobs since half past seven.’

‘So what happened after that?’ asked Morag as we stripped to our undies in the bridal shop’s dressing room on Saturday morning.

‘After that,’ I sighed, ‘Jamie explained to me that Selina had been harassing him for months. Ever since they’d split up apparently. She just couldn’t believe that he didn’t want to go out with her anymore, a beautiful free agent with no emotional baggage.’ I wiggled into my Grecian column dress. Heavens. It only just did up.

‘So she started stalking him,’ said Morag.

‘Well, that’s probably a rather strong way of putting it – they did work together after all. But certainly the work place became an emotional minefield hence Jamie being keen to get the partnership with Ethan Fareham going sooner rather than later.’

‘So why were they having a meal together?’

‘Apparently Selina had asked Jamie to join her as she had something to tell him in private. She promised that if he did as she asked then she’d stop bothering him. So Jamie agreed to meet her but not to have a meal together. That’s why it was only her eating at the table.’

I breathed in hard. If I held my breath, the dress was comfortable.

‘So those phone calls that had you jittering all over the place and the cosy restaurant scenario were a ruse to undermine your confidence and get you believing your fiancé was having a love affair with his ex-girlfriend.’

‘Yep.’ I exhaled noisily and experienced a bit of a head rush as oxygen levels returned to normal. ‘It’s no good,’ I sighed.

‘Don’t be silly,’ bossed Morag. ‘Selina is gone. Out of your hair. You can carry on living your life with Jamie in peace now.’

‘No I mean this
dress
is no good. I’ve put on weight.’

‘The seams can be let out,’ Morag assured. ‘You look beautiful.’

‘You too,’ I smiled giving her a hug.

At bedtime I snuggled up with Jamie under our duvet.

‘How’s my darling fiancée?’ he asked.

‘Happy. And relieved,’ I added.

‘Cassie, nobody is ever going to come between us. Right?’

I nodded my head. ‘I just wish you’d told me about the problems you were having with Selina. I’d have understood.’

‘You think?’

‘Of course!’

‘I don’t,’ Jamie shook his head. ‘Cassie, you were so vulnerable when I met you. You’d not long emerged from a marriage that had all but crushed your self-esteem. Your confidence was slowly on the up but you never gave me the impression that you believed in yourself. You’re better than all the Selinas in this world put together, but you still don’t believe that. The last thing you needed to hear about was a woman hell bent on destroying our relationship. I wanted to protect you.’

‘I know darling,’ I kissed Jamie tenderly. ‘Let’s not talk about her any more. She’s history.’

‘Absolutely. Come on, let’s get some sleep. You were snoring for England last night.’

‘I do
not
snore,’ I retorted. ‘And you can jolly well talk. Some of the sounds you make are quite incredible.’

‘Oh?’ Jamie raised his eyebrows. ‘For example?’

‘Phew-ee, phew-ee,’ I imitated. ‘It must be something to do with the acoustics of your nasal passage and nostril hair.’

‘I don’t have nostril hair!’

‘’Fraid so darling. You’re sprouting fluffy ears too. Sign of old age,’ I nodded sagely.

‘Oh God.’

‘Never mind. I’m right behind you. You are looking at a woman who has started the menopause.’

‘Don’t be daft, you’re too young.’

‘Apparently not. I’m going to make an appointment to see a gynaecologist for a thorough overhaul.’

Having firmly made the decision to sort out my defunct baby-making machinery I made an appointment with one Mr Rafferty, naturally recommended by Morag. Mr Rafferty was so booked up there wasn’t a chance of getting near his speculum until well into the New Year.

‘Shame it’s so far ahead,’ I said to Julia and Morag, ‘but at least the matter is now in hand.’

We were squashed into Costa Coffee, steamy windows obscuring the sight of harassed office staff battling for pavement space with energetic Christmas shoppers.

‘Old Rafferty is the best,’ Morag assured. ‘And if my next pregnancy test isn’t positive, I’ll be visiting him to get my fanny fixed.’

‘Such a delicate way of putting things,’ murmured Julia as a pinstriped suit sitting in close proximity shifted uncomfortably in his seat.

‘He’s seriously sexy,’ Morag waggled her eyebrows. ‘Think Robert Redford in his prime.’

‘Oh splendid,’ I grimaced. ‘I’d much prefer an ancient professor type. I hope his good looks don’t cause me to have a hot flush.’

That evening as the family congregated around the dinner table, I relayed how busy the High Street had been with pre-Christmas shoppers.

‘Ah yes, Christmas,’ Jamie rubbed his chin thoughtfully. ‘I think we should start thinking about preparing for the Festive Season. Have we got balls?’

Toby sniggered.

‘As in
baubles
,’ Jamie sighed.

‘No,’ I replied. ‘I seem to remember us chucking our respective Christmas decorations before we moved into Lilac Lodge. Everything was either tatty and broken, or totally naff.’

‘Well, Christmas is meant to be naff isn’t it?’ said Jonas.

‘Actually Christmas is meant to be a time for remembering our Lord Jesus,’ said Jamie, ‘not whether Father Christmas will be shoving a sack load of Nintendo Wii’s down the chimney.’

‘Oh yes please,’ Toby bounced up and down excitedly in his seat.

‘I propose we go to Midnight Mass this year.’

My fork froze in mid-air. I wasn’t really into religion. Not that I didn’t believe in God. On the contrary. But I preferred to say my prayers quietly, at the end of the day tucked up in bed. The fact that I was usually asleep within moments of addressing Him was neither here nor there was it?

‘Is Midnight Mass a wise idea darling? Very late. Don’t want the children exhausted on Christmas morning.’

‘Nonsense,’ Jamie said. ‘We’ll go to St. Michael’s. The service shouldn’t be more than thirty minutes. It will give you youngsters something to think about this year.’

‘Lovely,’ I gave a bright smile. ‘I take it we’ll still be having a Christmas tree?’

‘Of course! In fact, I’ll pick one up tomorrow evening on my way home from work.’

True to his word, the following evening Jamie positioned a glorious blue-green fir in the hall. Regrettably it remained devoid of tinsel, baubles and fairy lights because I had neglected to nip out in the lunch hour and buy up Boots.

‘Why didn’t you get the decorations?’ Livvy pouted.

‘I was snowed under with urgent work,’ I lied.

In actual fact it had been cold and chucking down with rain. I’d also felt overcome with exhaustion. Again. The thought of elbowing and shoving through the lunchtime foray was enough to bring me to a swift conclusion that decorations could wait until the weekend. Although it was probably debatable whether the tree would even survive the next twenty-four hours. Wallace and Gromit had taken to bungee jumping off the landing and crashing into the Christmas tree below.

The children broke up from school and suddenly it was the weekend. Jamie and I visited Asda and virtually bought up the remaining stock of Christmas decorations.

‘We’ll let the kids decorate the tree while we sit down with a glass of wine.’

He flung a free arm around me as we walked along the pavement together and I leant my head against his shoulder. It was at times like this that the feel-good factor ran right off the top of the scale.

‘Have you any idea what you’re giving Petra and Jonas for Christmas?’

‘Yep. As a matter of fact I was discussing it with Matt only this morning when I dropped the kids off at the stables. He just happens to have a pretty chestnut mare for sale, a little over fifteen hands and the perfect size for both of them.’ Jamie looked sideways at me. ‘What are you buying?’

‘Haven’t a clue actually,’ I confessed. I had been as disorganised as ever. It was far too late to claim a couple of those Wii wotsits that Liv and Toby would have loved. Indeed, only recently a spotty youth in Game had haughtily informed me that the entirety of Great Britain was currently sold out.

‘I have an idea,’ said Jamie.

‘Go on.’

‘Why don’t they have Smokey? Petra and Jonas are too big for her now and she’s the perfect size for Liv and Toby.’

My eyes filled with tears.

‘Hey, what’s the matter?’ Jamie ground to a halt in the middle of the busy pavement causing shoppers to cannon off us.

‘Sorry,’ I blubbed. ‘I don’t know what’s the matter with me. I seem to be constantly over-emotional at the moment. It’s a lovely gesture darling, the twins will be overjoyed.’

Jamie wrapped his arms around me, as best as he could with so many carrier bags strung about him.

‘Don’t cry Cassie. Come on, let’s go and have a hot chocolate somewhere. You can give me some ideas on what to buy the woman in my life for Christmas. Oh and tell me what you want too,’ he joshed.

The children threw themselves into decorating the Christmas tree with gusto. It was definitely an artistic monument. There could be no other in the land that screeched with such vulgarity or riotous colour.

‘Now all we need are some presents to go underneath,’ said Petra.

Which reminded me. What could I buy Jamie?

Once back at work, Morag, Julia and I united as one in the lunch hour. Three abreast, we linked arms, put our heads down and strode forcefully down the centre of the pavement, intent on a successful mission. We bulldozed our way into Next and Game where I resorted to buying a wad of vouchers for all four children. A totally unimaginative cop out. I tried to make up for it by buying all the stocking presents for Jonas and Toby in the Gadget Shop and splurging wildly in Claire’s Accessories for Livvy and Petra.