Authors: Bec Botefuhr
“She has a husband, you can’t do this now, you need to let this go. Your chance is gone.”
“I’m sorry, this is too much.” I say, gripping my chest.
“Em do you feel this way too?” Nessie asks me. Blade’s eyes connect with mine, could he see the answer there?
“I didn’t ask for this, you left me here alone. This isn’t fair on me, please let me go home.”
“You didn’t answer the question!” Blade interrupts.
“Here is your answer Blade. I am taken.” I snap and he stares hard at me for a moment, his beautiful eyes reading into my soul.
With that I turn and make my way towards our car; Mike meets me there. The drive home is silent, does he know something is wrong? How long could I deny these feelings that lurk deep inside me?
CHAPTER 13
The next few days are difficult. Blade lingers on my mind; I think about him, dream about him. I can’t focus at work or at home. I assume he has gone home by now; I am thankful for that, but now I have to get over it all again. I decide one morning to go for a walk along the beach, Mike is at work, and I need to get out. I am
mid-way
down when a familiar figure comes into view.
“Blade…”
“I thought I might find you here.”
“I thought you were gone.” I sigh, rubbing my temples.
God
, here we go again.
“No, not until I speak to you. Sit with me please, just for a moment.”
“I can’t stay long…” I say sitting on the ground, he sits beside me.
“I am sorry about the other night, it wasn’t fair of me to do that to you. I can’t help how I feel…”
“Blade, you left me here alone, I moved on. You can’t just come in here and try to change that.”
“I understand, I just want to be with you so badly it hurts.”
“Why?”
“What do you mean why?”
“Why do you want to be with me?”
“Because I love you!” He frowns, confused at my question.
“Why do you love me?”
“I don’t know, I just do.”
“You know nothing about me Blade. You love me because I was somebody who came into your life and helped you in a difficult time. But the truth is it was all about sex and passion, we don’t know each other.”
“Of course we do…” He argues.
“Alright, what is my
favorite
food?”
“Ummm…”
“My
favorite
movie?”
“Okay I get the point.”
“No, I am not finished. When have you taken me out to a restaurant or when have we danced together or gone to a movie?”
“I get the point you are trying to make.” He sighs picking up some sand and letting it fall through his fingers.
“Then you will understand why this is impossible. You pushed me away for your wife, and now you don’t want it anymore. I am sorry, but that is not my problem, you had every opportunity to be with me Blade and you chose not to.”
“I can’t change your mind?”
“I have a partner…”
“Do you love him?”
“Of course I do.” I roll my eyes, and he frowns.
“What if I do you a deal?”
“Blade…”
“No please, hear me out.”
“Alright…”
“Give me a chance to get to know you. Let me take you out. Give me a chance.”
“I have a partner.” I say again, just to remind him once more.
“We wouldn’t be doing anything wrong. No kissing, no touching, just learning and hanging out with each other as friends.”
I stare hard at him; his eyes squint a little. I can see them pleading, all he wants is me. I guess it wouldn’t hurt to just hang out with him; it wasn’t breaking any rules.
“Alright but on my terms Blade, I have other things to do now. You will have to be patient, and if I say it’s done, then it is done. It cannot go too far; I have a life here.”
“Just let me have the chance to show you what you mean to me.”
“
Alright I
will do it. What about Cassie?”
“Leave it to me, there will be no problem.”
“Alright.” I sigh putting my head in my hands, am I lining myself up for disaster?
“So, when can I take you out?”
“Gee you don’t waste
any time
.” I mutter.
“No I don’t.”
“Well I have a shoot this morning, then I am free all afternoon. Mike has too many shoots today so he won’t have any time for me, but I have to be home by dinner.”
“Great, I have a wonderful idea. Meet me at the jetty after your shoot.”
“Alright.” I say, standing and jogging off.
Was I setting myself up for disaster? Who
knew?
I finish my shoots and head down to the jetty in the afternoon. I feel nervous, sick even. It has been so long and being around Blade makes everything hard. I see him standing beside a small sail boat. He is wearing a white shirt that flaps open with the breeze. His dark mane of hair flips around his face.
God
he is beautiful.
“Hey Blade…” I smile, walking up to him.
“Angel, I am glad you came; are you ready?”
“I think so.”
“Come on then.” He says offering his hand. Reluctantly I grab it.
“Where are we going?” I ask looking around.
“There.” He says pointing to the sailboat.
“We are going on that?”
“Have you never been on a sailboat?”
“No.”
“Well then this is a first. Come on!” He grins, helping me onto the boat before casting off.
When we are out on the calm water, I turn to him.
“So why are you really here Blade?”
“I wanted to see you Em. I wish I could say I didn’t miss you and that I had moved on, but the truth is the last few years have been nothing short of hell.”
“I am sorry to hear that, I am. I just can’t grasp what it is you hope to get out of this?”
“I just want to show you how much I care, is that so bad?”
“No of course not. I welcome something different.” I sigh.
“You don’t seem as happy as you make out?”
I stare hard at him. “I suppose I’m not, it’s not Mike… it is just everything overall.”
“Don’t you like
modeling
?”
“I do. It just becomes extremely repetitive sometimes you know?”
“Not really.” He laughs, and I can’t help but smile too.
“So things aren’t going so well with you and Cassie?”
“Not really, it becomes…well like your life I suppose; very repetitive. This constant trying for a baby.”
“Why does she want it so bad?”
“I think sometimes she hopes it will keep me with her and that it will stop me from leaving.”
“Are things that bad?”
“I guess they are, yeah”
“Sorry to hear.”
“Don’t worry about it.”
“You look different Blade.” I observe, taking in every inch of him.
“What is different?”
“Your eyes.”
“My eyes?”
“You are sad.” I frown and he leans forward and pushes the crease between my eyebrows out with his thumb.
“I am sad. I made a very big mistake leaving you Em.”
“Well it is done now. Let’s not talk about it too much more.”
“Alright, so do you want me to show you how to sail this big baby?”
“Really?” I grin. “I can sail it?”
“Sure you can, come on…”
We sail the boat out, and I squeal with joy as it hits waves. I haven’t felt so happy, for such a long time. When we find another smooth spot, Blade pulls it still again, and we sit down with a glass of wine.
“So,” I grin. “It’s learning time.”
“Learning time?” He asks with raised brows.
“Yeah. I get some questions; you get some too.”
“Alright, me first…”
“Alright you first.”
“What is your
favorite
food?” He smiles
, referring
to the question I had asked him earlier.
“I would have to say
lasagna
, I am a sucker for it.”
“Alright
lasagna
girl, what about your
favorite
colour?”
“Yellow of course.” I say rolling my eyes.
“Okay what is your
favorite
animal?”
“A horse. Are we done with the
favorites
?”
“Okay what is your best memory growing up?”
“Okay. I would have to say my seventh birthday. I got so many presents I didn’t know what to do with myself. Daddy brought me a crown and all day I sat on his lap, I was his princess for just one day, it was magical.”
I feel a pang of hurt sting my chest, and I look away.
“You miss them don’t you?” Blade asks gently.
“
Every day
.”
“I am sorry about what happened, with everything.” He says touching my cheek; I flinch away.
“Sorry. I just don’t think I should let you…”
“Touch you?”
“Yes touch me!” I snap
.
“What are you so afraid of?”
“EVERYTHING.”
“I was only trying to be your friend, I was wiping away your tears. I didn’t mean it to be like I was trying something.”
“It’s just that Blade, you wiping away my tears,” I whisper “It makes it so much harder, you are so beautiful.”
“Em… it doesn’t have to be this way.”
“Yes it does Blade!” I yell turning away, “Don’t you understand? I am you two years ago; I have a partner who I have to show a commitment to. It’s too late for you and I.”
“Sorry, change of subject.” He croaks. I sigh and turn.
“So, when do you go back?”
“I don’t.”
My heart quickens. “You’re not?”
“No. Cassie lost her job. We sold up and moved back here. Mamma and pa still had the shack, so we are just going to live there again.”
“Oh.”
“Is that a bad thing?”
“No… of course not.” I whisper, when inside I am screaming YES, yes it is a bad thing.
“You’re worried about me being here?” He asks, eyeing me.
“A little.”
“Why?”
“I don’t know Blade, it’s hard being with you. Sometimes I don’t trust myself.”
“Why because you love me still?”
“I don’t think you have the right to say that!”
“Why? If you don’t love me, then why are you so upset?”
“I am taken Blade. If you don’t stop this, then I won’t see you at all.”
“Alright consider it dropped. So now it’s your turn with some questions.”
He is smiling at me, and I can’t help but smile back. He has that effect on me.
“Ok, what is your favorite food?”
“Well I would have to say steak, I could eat it day in, day out.”
“Okay, what is your best memory growing up?”
“Well I guess it was the first time I actually got a Christmas present.”
“Wait
, you
didn’t have Christmas presents?” I say, shocked.
“Yeah, my first one was when I was about ten.”
“You were ten?”
“Yep.”
“What was it?”
“A Lego set.” He grins, and I smile.
“What was it like growing up for you?” I ask, my curiosity deepening.
“Well we didn’t have a lot of money, most of our clothes were from charity and our food was always basics, like stews and casseroles. Pa worked a lot and mamma tried to keep the house running, but it always had a problem, leaky roof, broken doors. It became harder and harder to keep up with the maintenance, so mamma went back to work. Jock was next; he worked doing paper rounds at just ten years old. I followed not long after, every cent we made we gave to ma and pa, it was the least we could do. When I hit about fifteen we moved to try and earn more money elsewhere, but it didn’t work out. We missed school and got dragged across the country side, until finally we just ended up back home. After that Jock and I were working full time, but then mamma got sick, and our money seemed to disappear on us, we had nothing left. Hence why we picked you.”
“I didn’t realize your life was so hard, I feel awful.” I whisper.
“It isn’t your fault, we are all dealt different hands, it is what you make of them that matters.”
“I know what you mean. I had everything, but I didn’t have the one thing that mattered the most and that was the love of a family. The day you two stole me was the best day of my life, it changed everything for me. I learnt to love, and I learnt that there are so many people in the world who needed that money more than me, I am grateful for that.”