Stolen Child (11 page)

I shiver at the foot of our bed, my arms wrapping around my knees for warmth. We layer our clothing, but the cold always seeps through. We have one threadbare wool blanket that is too worthless to barter for food. I tuck it lovingly around my
baba,
but her lips are still blue. Lida walks into the bedroom holding a chipped bowl in her hands. It contains what we like to call soup, but we both know there is little nourishment in it: water, faint flavour from bones boiled dozens of times, scraps of potato or cabbage, and anything else we can find to put in it
.

She sets the bowl down on the nightstand and props up Baba’s head and shoulders with a pillow. Baba’s eyes flicker open. She looks at me and then at Lida. “My granddaughters,” she says. “Don’t waste this food on me. I am not long for this world.”

Lida and I both know what Baba says is true, but how can we not try to save her? She is all the family we have left. Tato was taken by the Soviet police in early summer, like so many of the other Ukrainian men. Weeks after that, Mama was taken by the Nazi police. Old people and children
don’t get ration cards. Baba’s hoarded bits got us through the fall. But now that it is the dead of winter, we are desperate. We have burned most of our furniture for warmth and bartered our precious books. Even our beloved lilac bush has been hacked to pieces and burnt as firewood
.

Lida leans on the edge of the bed and offers a spoonful of soup, but Baba refuses to open her lips. Lida sighs. “What if we share?”

Baba nods. “You eat first.”

We pass the spoon around, sharing the watery soup one sip at a time
.

Once Baba falls back to sleep, we go out to the street to beg. First we sit in front of the bakery. When Sarah and her parents were alive, they would always find something for us — even if it was just a stale bun. But they were among the first that the Nazis took
.

The woman who comes out now speaks German. She pushes us away with a broom. We sit on the steps in front of the boarded-up church, huddling close together for warmth. I remember a time when we could go inside. Mama and Tato were still with us. The smell of incense made me feel safe. But people don’t come here anymore. Besides, there are too many beggars and not enough food. We are given not even a crust of bread
.

I notice that a snaking lineup of children has suddenly formed outside the gates of what used to be the synagogue. Whenever a line forms, we know to run to it. Does it matter what is being given out? It will be better than nothing
.

When we get closer we see two women dressed in brown suits with white collars and cuffs. “Maybe they’re nuns,” I say hopefully
.

Lida looks at me with surprise. “The Nazis got rid of the sisters long ago.”

One of the women writes notes in a black leather book. The other dips her hand into a large paper bag and brings out candies. My stomach rumbles at the sight. I cannot remember the last time I have eaten anything other than maggoty bread or watery soup
.

I stand on my tiptoes and see that Sofia from down the street is talking to the brown sisters now. She does a little whoop for joy when she gets candy. Finally it is my turn. Lida stands behind me, her hands resting on my shoulders
.

“What lovely blond hair you have,” the woman says to me in German. She crouches down until her face is level with mine. “And blue eyes.”

I smile politely. My blond hair often helps when begging from Germans
.

“Girls, are you sisters?” the woman taking notes asks
.

“Yes,” I say
.

“Where do you live?” she asks
.

“In that house.” I point to our whitewashed cottage at the end of the street
.

“Is she telling the truth?” the woman asks Lida with a smile
.

“Yes.”

The other woman reaches into her bag and draws out three candies. She gives all of them to me. The look of hope on Lida’s face crumbles. The woman reaches back into the bag and draws out three more sweets. She holds them just under Lida’s nose. “Tell me how old you are and how old your little sister is.”

“Larissa is five,” Lida says. “And I am eight.”

The woman grins. She puts the three candies into Lida’s palm
.

Lida grabs my hand and we run back home, giggling. Baba is asleep when we get there. Lida and I each put one of our candies on her nightstand, and then we sit together, leaning against our cold hearth, and savour our candies
.

The three of us sleep together in the big bed for warmth. Usually Baba hugs us tight and sings the
kolysanka
. But since she is already asleep, Lida and I sing it softly to ourselves
.

When I first hear the banging, I think it is a dream. I know it is real when Baba sits up in bed and wraps her bony arms around us. “Do not open the door,” she hisses
.

The three of us sit in the dark, clinging to each other and praying that whoever is on the other side will go away. But the banging continues. The door bursts open. A beam of light darts through the main room, then finds the bedroom. The doorway fills with the silhouette of two soldiers; one holding a flashlight and the other pointing a rifle at us. When my eyes get used to the brightness, I see a third person — the woman in brown who gave us candy
.

She comes to the bed and grabs me roughly by the arm, but Baba won’t let go. The woman turns to the soldiers. “Take her.”

Baba holds on with such strength that I have bruises on my ribcage for days after, but in the end she is no match for two armed men. One throws me over his shoulder. The other does the same with Lida
.

“Baba!” I scream as they carry us out the door
.

Baba falls back on the bed amid torn bedclothes, a trickle of blood on her cheek. Her arms extend towards us
and the look on her face makes my heart crumble. Just before the flashlight clicks off, I notice the two candies sitting at her nightstand. Untouched
.

Lida and I are thrown into the back of a truck. It smells like urine. Other children are weeping. Lida and I find each other in the darkness and clutch each other in fear and desperation
.

I felt a hand on my shoulder. Then a voice came.

“Nadia, are you okay?” Miss Barry.

I rubbed my eyes, blinked twice and looked around me. I was crouched in the corner of the novel room in the children’s department of the public library. In Brantford. I was safe. That girl was my sister. Lida. Where is she now?

I am not Nadia. I am not Gretchen. My name is Larissa!

I felt something warm cover my back and shoulders. “You’re shivering,” said Miss Barry. “Where is your coat?”

I looked at her but didn’t answer. My mind was still filled with images from the past.

“Let’s get you into the staff room,” she said. “There’s a sofa for you to lie down on.”

She gently picked me up and carried me into the other room. “I am going to get in touch with your parents.” I watched as her lips continued to move, but I didn’t understand anything more that she said. My mind had returned to the past …

I am in a large white room with bright lights. Maybe a hospital room, but the children are frightened, not sick. When it is my turn, the nurse makes me remove everything but my underwear. My face is hot with shame. I scream when she holds a metal instrument up to my face. “Tsk tsk,”
she says, then in German, “This is a caliper — for measuring. Nothing to be afraid of.”

Her words do not comfort me. As she measures and takes notes, a different woman takes photographs of me — from the front, the side, the back
.

What are they doing? What does this mean?

My nose is measured in three places. “Turn around,” she says. I feel the cold metal prongs dig into the sides of my head. She writes more numbers in her book. She measures my legs and my arms and waist. Throughout all of this, I stand there, too frightened to move
.

When she is finished, she grips my left hand palm upward and I watch in fear as she carefully injects pinpricks of black into my wrist. Is this poison? When she’s finished, I hold it up to my face. It looks like a tiny mole
.

She grabs my hair roughly and I feel a pinprick behind my ear. “There,” she says. “You are a
Lebensborn
.”

What is a
Lebensborn
? I know of the children who disappear. One day they are begging on the street and the next day it’s as if they never existed. Are they
Lebensborn
too?

Lida’s turn is next. She is measured and photographed, but isn’t marked with black
.

When all the children are measured, we are sorted into two groups: those with black marks and those without. I am in one. Lida is in the other. Her group is marched to the door
.

“Please!” I scream. “Let me go with my sister!”

“You are the lucky one,” says the woman in white
.

“Lida!” I scream
.

Lida turns and looks. Her eyes are filled with despair. She is shoved out the door. I try to run after her but they hold me back
.

Days blur. Children marching. Children saluting the
führer
. We are given small rations of plain food. At first I gobble it down, but then I feel guilty that I can’t save some to give to Baba or Lida. The thought of eating this food makes me feel ill. I speak Ukrainian to one of the other children, but a woman in white slaps my face. “You are German!” she says. “Speak German.”

The next time I speak my own language, I am dragged away. They kick me down a flight of wooden stairs and I land on the dirt floor. It is dark and all I can see are the glowing eyes of rats. I clasp my arms around my knees and try to stay warm. When the women in white come to get me, the brightness from outside almost blinds me
.

I take classes with the other children. A woman who does not smile teaches us the rules we are to live by. Ukrainians and Poles are sub-human. Those who are allowed to live will be slaves to the Aryans. “You are Aryans,” she tells us. “The people you think were your parents are thieves. They stole you from your Aryan parents and now we will give you back.”

I know she speaks lies
.

“Jews are rats,” she continues. “None deserve to live.”

I think of Sarah and her parents. They were Jewish and they were taken away. Sarah’s mother had always found me bread. Sarah’s father never hurt a soul
.

“You are wrong!” I cry
.

I cover my mouth, but it is too late
.

The other students regard me with round-eyed horror
.

I am put in a truck and taken away from the other children. A soldier throws me over his shoulder and carries me up a tall set of white steps and into a mansion. I pound on
his back and scream for my
baba.
I am locked into a bare white room and given no food or water. I pound on the door but no one comes. The next day I call in German. Someone brings water
…

I was suddenly aware of the blanket that was draped over my shoulders. It had the faint scent of lavender and talcum powder. I snuggled into it, thankful for its warmth. The rush of memory faded and I looked around me. I was lying on a sofa in a room near Miss Barry’s desk. She sat on a stool in front of me, her hands gripped around a glass of water. All at once, the image of the school inspector filled my mind. “Please don’t send me back to school!”

“You’re safe with me,” said Miss Barry. “I phoned your father at the foundry. He asked me to sit with you until he can get here.”

She held the glass of water out to me. I took grateful sips. My mouth felt like sawdust. I closed my eyes.

Gretchen Himmel. With a flash of understanding, I remembered
becoming
Gretchen Himmel.

At first I only pretended to believe that I was German. But the more I lied, the more real it became. I first spoke German to make the punishment stop, but soon I was thinking in German. Marching with the other children, reciting long poems and songs about Hitler and the Reich. We were born to rule the world. I was proud to be one of the chosen.

Larissa disappeared and Gretchen emerged …

Gretchen knows that the woman I called Baba was not my grandmother. She stole me from my parents, who are decent German farmers. The man who called me daughter was a bandit. The woman I called mother was a spy. That girl is not my sister. She is an evil slave and she was trying to trick me. She is being punished for her crimes. Jews are rats. They deserve to die. I can hardly wait to go back home, to my real parents. My name is Gretchen. I’ve seen my birth certificate and it says
Gretchen Himmel
. It is a relief to leave the confusion behind
.

I am bathed, then dressed in a crisp white blouse and blue tunic and shoes that pinch at the heel. My hair is clean and combed and braided. I sit by myself in the back seat of a long black car and breathe in the clean scent of freshly polished leather. The car stops at a huge farmhouse in the country. The fields around it go on for miles and are tended by slaves. The driver is a soldier in a dove grey uniform and he opens the door for me with a smile. He says, “I am sure you are glad to be home, Gretchen.”

I step out of the car and gulp in the country air. A blond girl in a pale pink dress pushes open the door of the house and runs to me. A sad-eyed blond woman follows close behind
.

“My big sister has finally arrived!” the little girl says
.

Before I know it, she has wrapped her arms around my waist. She is crying or laughing, I don’t know which. “I am so glad you’re home,” says Eva in German
.

Is this my home? I don’t remember it. But I don’t remember many things. I am relieved to be safe, in a place called home
.

Eva tugs me by the hand, pulling me to the open door of the big farmhouse. The blond woman walks a few steps behind us. She has barely greeted me, but Eva tells me she’s our mutti. I watch her through the corner of my eye and see that she’s wiping a tear away from her cheek
.

The door of the house opens up to a big entryway that smells of bleach. My heart pounds, but Eva squeezes my hand
.

She leads me into a room just beyond the entryway and I gasp. Two walls are lined from floor to ceiling with books, most in German, but some in other languages too. I hunger
to touch them. The books call to me. Above the fireplace is a huge portrait of Hitler, our leader and saviour. On the mantel is a framed picture of a sad-looking young man in a dark uniform
.

“That’s our Geert,” says Eva
.

“He is very handsome,” I say
.

The woman who is supposed to be our mother stands behind us and regards the photo. I can hear her sniffle. “Your brother was handsome,” she says. “And brave. He died while fighting for the Fatherland.”

She leaves the room and Eva and I are alone. “Mutti has been so sad since Geert died. Maybe she’ll cheer up now that you’ve come.”

I don’t remember Geert, and now he’s gone. That makes me feel guilty. “I am sad that our brother died too.”

Eva looks at me strangely, then blinks. “You’ll like it here,” she says. “There’s lots of food.”

“Your father is on his way,” said Miss Barry.

I blinked once, slowly, and looked around. I was on the sofa in the staff room at the library. I looked down and saw that I was holding a glass of water. I took a sip. Miss Barry brushed a wisp of hair out of my eyes. It was such a gentle gesture that I almost wept …

Eva is right. There is a lot of food. Apples and mushrooms and noodles and sauce, meat and stuffing. Mutter places it all on the dining room table. But whatever I put in my mouth sits like a lump of coal on my tongue. Mutter makes chocolate cake with icing to entice me. She makes biscuits in the shape of men and draws on a face in white icing. Eva loves it all and gulps down every bit. I force myself to eat even when it makes me feel ill.
I want the hurt to go away from Mutter’s eyes
.

I have my own room with a giant four-poster bed, but I cannot sleep. Dark uniformed men dine at our table and talk together until the wee hours of the morning. I hear clinking of glasses and roars of laughter. I rarely see Vater except at these meetings. Eva and I put on our prettiest dresses and go downstairs to greet the guests. Vater introduces us as his “two flowers for the Fatherland.”

When I am finally able to go back to my room, I sing a song of nonsense words to block out the noises, but I cannot sleep
.

In spring the OST woman arrives at the farm in the truck. She smells bad and I do not like her, but the next time I see her she no longer wears the OST badge and she is clean. Mutter tells us to call her Cook. Eva and I play outside together. We collect lilacs to give to Mutter. She puts them in a vase and sets them in the middle of the kitchen table. She says Cook will like them. Mutter prefers bought ones for the dining room
.

We are not allowed to go into the fields where the slaves are. I see a slave come to the door. Cook bandages its wound. Mutter doesn’t see that. Neither does Eva. I should tell Mutter about it, but for some reason, I don’t
.

Mutter begins to take Eva on errands but leaves me at home. When they are gone, I open up the book room and breathe in the scent of old paper. It makes my heart ache to smell it, but somehow it makes me happy too. I climb up on the desk and draw out a book with gold lettering on the spine. The one beside it crashes to the ground, bending the pages
.

My heart pounds when I hear footsteps. It is only Cook. She picks up the book and puts it back on the shelf. She takes the one I am holding and puts it away too. She examines the books. Her eyes light up and she takes one down and hands it to me
.

“You can look at this storybook until they come home,” she says
.

The title is not in German
. “Popelyushka!”
I say. Cook smiles
.

Another time, I sit under the lilac bushes and whisper my nonsense song under my breath. Cook comes up to me. I notice that her hands are red with work and her eyes look tired and sad. I feel sorry for her even though she is an animal. I say in German, “Would you like to hear me sing?”

She nods
.

I sing again my secret song. Cook weeps. On the second verse, with a tear-filled voice, she joins in. She sings the entire song with me
.

How can she know my secret language? “You know my
kolysanka
,” I say. She tries to hug me but I push her away. Mutter has told me to stay away from the slaves
.

Cook swallows back her tears, and then in harsh, precise German she says, “This is not your home.”

I am shocked speechless
.

But she isn’t finished. There is more. “I will protect you.”

The harsh ringing of a telephone jarred me back to the present. I blinked and looked around. The past was so real, yet here I was, lying on a sofa in the staff room of the library. I could hear Miss Barry’s voice, talking to someone
on the other end of the telephone. Then her voice faded …

When Mutter and Eva come back from their errands, I am bursting to tell them what Cook said. She should be punished for her crime. But for some reason I say nothing. The next time Eva and Mutter go away, Cook invites me to share a meal in the kitchen with her. It is slave food — a thin soup with black bread. I take one spoonful of the thin broth and begin to weep. I try to remember what the soup reminds me of, but my memory has been washed clean
.

We are to go to a rally and Mutter has told me to be ready for when they get back. I put on my pink dress and Cook braids my hair. I wait. And wait. And wait
.

I walk through the house and see that drawers have been left open and belongings are scattered on the floor. I feel the ground tremble
.

“The Soviets are coming,” whispers Cook. “We must leave this place.”

I do not want to go. This is my home. The room of books is here. The lilac tree is here. Mutter told me to wait. Cook picks me up and carries me out the door. I scream and pull her hair. She drops me on the ground and I fall hard on my back. “Come with me if you want to live,” she says. And she begins to walk away
.

I follow her, begging her to wait up. I run after her through the fields and I see that the slaves are all gone. When I mention this, Cook turns on me, her face red with fury. “Slavs,” she says, “Not slaves. Those people are Ukrainian. They’re just like you.”

I don’t believe her, but this is not the time to argue. She tells me her name is Marusia, not Cook
.

We hide behind bushes as Soviet soldiers comb the fields, rooting out the other Slavs — the other stolen people. We are to be brought back to the Soviet Union and punished for letting ourselves be stolen by the Germans
.

We walk through forests and countryside studded with landmines. We see villages burning and hear bombs exploding. I do not expect to live
.

We join a group of ragged survivors. “Your name is Nadia now,” Marusia tells me. “You will never be Gretchen again.”

“But why Nadia?” I ask her
.

“The name means hope,” she says. “It was the middle name of my little sister. She was stolen by the Nazis too.”