Stop Dressing Your Six-Year-Old Like a Skank

PRAISE FOR
Stop Dressing Your Six-Year-Old Like a Skank

“In some 32 short essays on the ridiculousness of modern life, Rivenbark
(Bless Your Heart, Tramp; We’re Just Like You, Only Prettier)
wanders through Tweenland at the mall thinking a better name would be ‘Little Skanks’. . . This is a hilarious read, perhaps best enjoyed while eating Krispy Kreme doughnuts with a few girlfriends.”

—
Publishers Weekly

“She kills in the ‘Kids’ and ‘Southern-Style Silliness’ sections, putting the fear of Mickey into anyone planning a trip to Disney World (character breakfasts must be scheduled 90 days in advance) and extolling the entertainment value of obituaries (‘If there’s a nickname in quotes, say Red Eye, Tip Top, or simply, Zeke, then my entire day is made’).”

—
Entertainment Weekly

“Celia Rivenbark has a mouth on her, but it’s a very funny mouth as you will learn if you read her new book. . . she certainly strikes at the hilarious heart of what one often feels without being able to express in polite society. In any case, if you need down-to-earth information about celebrity babies, selling a bowl of grits on eBay that looks like Willie Nelson, or Barbie’s creepy new Australian boyfriend, then Celia Rivenbark is for you.”

—
Daily Herald

“Rivenbark’s collection of essays will have you snorting with laughter (unless you’re a deb, of course, who would never dream of snorting). It’s obvious where the author stands on fashions for little girls, but she also pokes fun at the necessity of taking children—or not—to Disney World, trying to get phone assistance from people in India, hating the knitting craze, and the Southern obsession with ailments. She encourages moms to not only slow down but slack off. And she’s not afraid to poke fun at rednecks.”

— Daily Advertiser

Also by Celia Rivenbark

We’re Just Like You, Only Prettier

Bless Your Heart, Tramp

STOP DRESSING YOUR

Skank

A Slightly Tarnished Southern Belle’s
Words of Wisdom

Celia Rivenbark

St. Martin’s Griffin
New York

For my parents,
Howard and Caroline Rivenbark,
with love and gratitude
for never letting me look skanky

STOP DRESSING YOUR SIX-YEAR-OLD LIKE A SKANK.
Copyright © 2006 by Celia Rivenbark. All rights reserved. Printed in the United States of America. No part of this book may be used or reproduced in any manner whatsoever without written permission except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles or reviews. For information, address St. Martin’s Press, 175 Fifth Avenue, New York, N.Y. 10010.

www.stmartins.com

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

 

Rivenbark, Celia.

Stop dressing your six-year-old like a skank : a slightly tarnished southern belle’s words of wisdom / Celia Rivenbark.

     p. cm.

ISBN-13: 978-0-312-33994-4

ISBN-10: 0-312-33994-1

1. American wit and humor. 2. Southern states—Humor. I. Title

 

PN6165.R59  2006

814’.6—dc22

2006043881

First St. Martin’s Griffin Edition: September 2007

10  9  8  7  6  5  4  3  2  1

Part I: Kids

1.  There’s Always Tomorrow(land):
“If You Really Loved Me, You’d Buy Me Pal Mickey”

2.  Yo Yo Yo! Where Can a Sista Get a Cowgirl Outfit?:
Holidays Make This Mama Wanna Get in Your Grille

3.  Stop Dressing Your Six-Year-Old Like a Skank

4.  Flower (Girl) Power:
We’ve Got the Dress—Just Let Us Know When and Where

5.  Weary Mom to Uppity Teens:
At Least We Know Where the Continent of Chile Is

6.  Hilary Duff & Us:
When Motherhood Hits Those Inevitable Valleys, We’ll Always Have “the Hils”

7.  Field Trip, Fornification, and a Shit-Eating Giraffe:
Who Says School Can’t Be Fun?

8.  The One and Done Club:
Sure, I Could’ve Thrown a Litter Like You, but How Much Ballet Can a Mom Take?

9.  Toyland, Joyland:
Is That a Bratz Boot in Your Sofa Cushion, or Are You Just Glad to See Me?

10. Slacker Moms Unite!:
Say
Adios!
to All That Guilt

Part II: Celebrities

11. Celebrity Moms :
Don’t Hate Them Because They’re Beautiful (When There Are So Many Other Reasons)

12. Something Stinks:
And I’m Pretty Sure It’s Tonya Harding

13. Montel’s Smoking Weed:
(But Will He Share with Sylvia the Psychic?)

14. Reality Bites:
Super Skanks Lewinsky and Hilton Are Fun to Watch, but Those 100-Pound Toddlers Rule!

15. Does Addiction to
Days of Our Lives
Mean That I Don’t Actually Have One?:
(A Life, That Is)

Part III: Vanity Flares

16. This Blonde Isn’t as Dumb as You Think:
Online IQ Test Proves I’m a Visionary (Whatever the Hell That Is)

17. The Butcher’s Great, the Baker’s Suffering:
But How Is the Anti-Carb Frenzy Affecting the Candlestick Maker?

18. Fashion Forecast:
Run, Run Rudolph, Nipple Jewelry for Morons, and Get Thee a Behind, You!

19. Ass-Lifting, Face-Tightening, Boob-Bustin’ Products:
Right On or Rip-Off? You’ll Have to Ask My Pantyhose

Part IV: Huzzzbands

20. The Paradoxical Male:
Smart Enough to Find “Me Time,” but Dumb Enough to Get Stuck Buying the Tampons

21. Animal Instincts:
Meet My New Rock Band
—
The Cancer-Smelling Dogs!

22. What Women Want:
If You Can’t Be Imprisoned for Life, Could You Maybe Act Just a Little Gay?

23. Bush on Marriage:
“Bin Laden, Bin Schmaden! 50 Cent and Vivica Fox Are in Crisis!”

Part V: Southern-Style Silliness

24. Illness and Death, Southern Style:
(Or Why I Will Never Eat London Broil Again)

25. Want to “Talk Southern”?
Here’s Some Advice from My Abode to Yours

26. Flu Strikes at Christmas:
(And Nobody Had a Silent Night)

27. Knitting, Boy Dinosaurs, and Chipotle:
(What Is a Category You Will Never See on
Jeopardy!)

28. OnStar Hotline:
Sure, They Can Help with Car Emergencies, but Can They Make a Decent Gravy?

29. If It Ain’t On eBay, It Ain’t Worth Having:
(Whoa! Is That Willie Nelson’s Face in Your Grits?)

30. Marketing Madness:
It’s Enough to Make You Lose Your (Poli)Grip

31. My Last Meal?:
That’s Easy: A Clam Roll and a Dozen Krispy Kremes (Oh, Hell, Keep ‘Em Coming)

32. Politicians Serve Up McValues:
(With Extra Cheese on the Side)

EPILOGUE

ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

Kids

Studies say that children don’t remember all that much, and certainly nothing good, until they are at least six years old. So there was no way we were going to waste hundreds, perhaps millions, of dollars on a family trip to Disney World until Sophie could remember
in minute detail
what wonderful, generous parents we were.

That said, the trip was finally scheduled, and we began to anticipate five days and four nights of fabulous forced family fun, fun, fun! When I told another mom of our plans at a birthday party, she beamed. “Did you get the early seating at Cinderella’s Gala Feast?”

“Say who?”

“The Gala Feast! What about your character breakfast? Did you book Pooh at the Crystal Palace or Pluto and Goofy at
Liberty Square or Donald and Mickey at Restaurantosaurus?”

“Huh?”

“Oh, for heaven’s sake,” she huffed. Turning away from me, she summoned a few of the other moms over. “She’s going to Disney and she hasn’t booked her character breakfasts yet.”

Some of them laughed so hard, they turned inside out.

My friend Lisa whipped out her dog-eared copy of the 475-page Katie Couric-endorsed
Walt Disney World with Kids,
a book that I have since discovered is more valuable than a dime-store poncho for the wacky waterfall rides. (Sure, you could buy the officially sanctioned Disney poncho, for approximately twenty-six dollars, but why not pack the ninety-nine-cent version from Eckerd?)

“You must book these things ninety to a hundred and twenty days in advance,” she said. “Do you think that tickets to the Hoop-Dee-Doo Musical Revue just fall out of the sky?”