Strange Animals (4 page)

Proverbs 12:11: Whoever
works his land will have plenty of bread, but he who follows worthless pursuits lacks sense.

This was the opening line of James Dobbs's profile on ChristianMingle.com. James had studied this specific line from the Bible since he was a child. It had always held special meaning for him. Throughout his childhood and early adulthood he had felt contempt for his peers because he felt that many of them followed worthless pursuits while he worked his metaphorical land. He felt that this proverb was the simplest and best way to describe himself, the life he led, and the future he hoped to share with a wife. The work ethic he created based on these words was something that he tried to apply to every aspect of his life.

Even though his year-long membership on ChristianMingle.com had yielded him only two dates, neither of which led to a second date, James logged in to his account every night before
work and made a habit of sending at least five personal messages to women with whom the site had matched him. He felt that God would not simply place his wife in front of him. He had to show God that he was ready for her and that he was willing to work in order to get her. God had to know that he was deserving of such a blessing.

In the first six months James was active on the site, he sent a standard cut-and-paste message to every woman he felt was a good match for him. It read:

“Hello. My name is James Dobbs. I haven't been on this site for very long, but after reading your profile it seems like we're a pretty good match and I'd love to get to know you more. If you find my profile interesting, please message me back. —James”

The message took James several nights to craft. He was unsure of what a good first message on an Internet dating site should include. In the end, he decided that keeping it short was the best strategy. He never received any replies to this message, however, and after reading complaints on several prospective matches' profiles that they were tired of having their inboxes filled with meaningless cut-and-paste messages from guys who clearly hadn't taken the time to read their profiles, James abandoned his standard message strategy. He rationalized that if he was sincerely going to work the land of ChristianMingle.com, he should put in the time required to personalize each of his messages.

His first message of the night was sent to a woman with the username “ChicaDeJesus.” She was five foot three, Caucasian, twenty-five years old, had a bachelor's degree, and worked as a nurse. She described herself as having a goofy sense of humor and loving animals, including her two cats. She claimed to be looking for a hard-working guy who would be a good provider for the family she wanted to start as soon as possible. Jim imagined himself married to ChicaDeJesus, sitting in the backyard of some house he didn't yet have, watching their children run around after church squirting each other with water guns.

He wrote:

“Hi. I saw your profile and it seems like we have a lot of things in common. I really like comedy movies and it seems like you do, too. I don't have cats but I really like them and have no allergies or anything like that. Where do you nurse at?”

James felt that ending the message with an innocuous question about something he could only have learned by reading her profile increased his chances of receiving a response. He sent two similar messages to two similar profiles before he saw the small Christian Mingle instant messenger window open up in the bottom right of his screen. James was receiving an instant message from a user named “Eyesofblue.” He saw that she was five foot seven, Caucasian, twenty-eight, and had graduated from high school, though she listed no job. James had always initiated first contact with women on this site, and he began to wonder if this could be the sign from God that he had been waiting for.

Eyesofblue's message read, “What do you do for a job? You don't have it listed.”

James explained that he worked at the mall in Topeka.

Eyesofblue replied, “Like in a store?”

James explained that he worked at the Dillard's department store.

Eyesofblue replied, “Do you sell stuff? Like suits or something?”

James explained that he worked nights as part of the cleaning crew for that store, mainly, but sometimes they also cleaned other stores in the mall or the mall itself if the regular mall cleaning crew was unavailable, which happened a few times a year.

Eyesofbue replied, “Are you trying to save up money to move to Kansas City or something?”

James explained that he was not.

Eyesofblue replied, “Are you going to school?”

James explained that he was not.

Eyesofblue replied, “Oh. You just want to clean Dillard's forever? Lol.”

James explained that the job paid his bills, and if the Lord had different plans for him, then James was sure the Lord would let him know.

Eyesofblue replied, “True. So what do you do when you're not working?”

James explained that he spent his free time either in church or reading for the most part. He then asked Eyesofblue what she did in her free time.

Eyesofblue replied, “Watch TV, I guess. So are you busy this weekend?”

James explained that he was not.

Eyesofblue replied, “Maybe you should ask me out, then.”

James had never encountered a girl so forward. He wondered if God had sent her his profile and then compelled her to message him. He wondered if Eyesofblue was his soul mate. He asked her if she would like to get dinner with him.

Eyesofblue replied, “OMG! You read my mind. Lol. I'd love to.”

They exchanged phone numbers, made plans for their date, and then James logged off. As he polished the floor in Dillard's that night, he prayed to God to help him decide what he should wear on what would be his first date in almost a year.

Karen had instructed
Tanya to pick her up at 10:00
A.M.
, an hour and a half after Paul left for work. Karen assumed this buffer time would ensure that Paul wouldn't find out about her clandestine plan, preventing Tanya from having to lie about why she was at their place, if the two ran into each other. Tanya arrived on time and tried to stop herself from initiating any kind of conversation about the events at hand. She told herself she was just going to be a good friend. She told herself that she would remain neutral. She told herself this wasn't about her or what she thought should be done. But she couldn't help herself.

The drive to Planned Parenthood was silent at first. Then, about ten minutes in, Tanya said, “I know you don't want to hear this, but I have to make sure you've really thought this through. It's only been a day since you even found out. You can take some more time before you decide anything.”

Karen said, “I don't need to think about it anymore. I've thought about this my entire adult life. I made the decision before I ever even got pregnant.”

“I know. I know. It's just that there's no harm in waiting another week, and who knows? You might change your mind. Some kind of motherly instinct might kick in or something.”

“That's why I need to do it now. If there's even the slightest possibility that some flood of mom hormones might make me change my mind, I need to make sure I take care of this first.”

“That's a really shitty thing to say.”

“Why is that shitty? I think making an informed decision based on logic and reason is far better than basing it on hormonal fluctuation and emotion.”

“Okay, robot. I'm obviously here for you and I'm obviously supportive of you, but, I mean, don't you think about the baby at all? That baby can't speak for itself. Don't you feel like as a human being you have even the slightest obligation to let it live?”

“Here we go. I still don't know how or why you champion that pro-life bullshit rhetoric. You know the people at the heart of the pro-life camp—not you and the regular people who just don't like abortion, but the ones who get laws passed and try to shut down Planned Parenthood—those fucking pieces of shit are the ones who started that whole line of reasoning. The baby can't defend itself, so we have an obligation to defend them. Those fucks don't give two shits about the unborn babies they're supposedly saving. All they care about is control. They have to control women, and having women with the freedom to choose what to do with their bodies is a scarier proposition to them than letting women vote. Because on some very primal level, men see it as women controlling life, controlling the future of the species, and they certainly can't have that. And somehow their bullshit has sunk into your head and stuck. I know this is just one of those things between us that will probably stay like this until we die, and I've learned to accept it, but please, for the love of your
God, the one who tells you not to judge people and to be accepting and loving of everyone, can we just check this conversation today? Just today. Just let me get through this, and then you can tell me how bad it is to take the choice away from a blob of cells all you want.”

They drove in silence for a minute or so. Karen felt like she might have gone a little too far in her reprimand, but she felt she had no alternative. She just wanted to get through the day with as little stress as possible.

Tanya eventually said, “Sorry. It's just tough to be a good friend in a situation like this, I guess.”

Karen said, “I'm sorry, too. I know how hard it is for you to even be driving me to get this done. I'm sorry I put you in the situation in the first place. But you're my best friend, and I wouldn't want anyone else with me, to tell you the truth.” This confession eased the tension between the two friends for a moment.

Tanya said, “Okay, last thing, and then I'll shut up. There's a compromise here that you might not be thinking of.”

“What?”

“You could have the baby and give it up for adoption.”

“Are you fucking crazy? If I'm worried about hormones changing my mind if I wait a week to do this, what do you think would happen to me after nine months?”

“I don't know. I just had to make sure you were thinking about all of your options before we get to the place.”

“You know what would actually be hilarious? If I had the kid and gave it to a gay couple. How do you think your pro-life pals would feel about that? That's exactly what I'm talking about, by the way. They don't give a shit about the kid—they just want to force their moral agendas on everyone else. God, if I did that and blogged about it . . . Or what if— Wait, hold a second. Pull over.”

Tanya, sensing that Karen might be changing her mind, pulled over. “What is it?”

Karen said, “Turn around. You're right. I'm going to think about this for a few more days.”

“Are you serious?”

“Yeah. But you're still the only person who knows, and I want to keep it that way. Paul can't know what's going on.”

Tanya said, “Okay,” then made a U-turn in the middle of the street and headed back to Karen and Paul's apartment, hoping that whatever Karen was thinking about would save the life of this child. Tanya couldn't help but feel that God had a hand in whatever was going on.

Eyesofblue's real name
was Beth. James had learned this and a few other general details about her through a series of text messages, and he hoped that her profile pictures were accurate. He was waiting for her outside the RowHouse, a restaurant Beth suggested after James admitted that he didn't know many nice places to eat. It was five minutes past eight o'clock. She was five minutes late. Punctuality was something James took very seriously. He checked his phone to see if Beth had sent him a text, but she had not. When he looked back up, he saw her walking toward him from the parking lot. She looked very similar to her profile pictures. The only difference was that she was slightly heavier in person. James felt it would be a sin to judge her for this, so he tried not to, and he immediately forgave her for her tardiness.

She walked up to him and said, “James?”

God was definitely real and he definitely created everything in existence. Jesus Christ was definitely his son and he definitely died for the sins of humanity. The universe and space and aliens were things that only scientists and moviemakers thought about. They had no real impact on anything that occurred on planet Earth. While on Earth, it was every good Christian's duty to lead a good and righteous life, but God wouldn't have made fun if he didn't want people to have it. Although drinking, doing drugs, and having premarital sex were sins, God wouldn't have created the ability for human beings to repent if he didn't already know that there would be a need for it. Birth control, too, was something the church might be against, but God wouldn't have created it if he didn't expect people to use it. Birth control was something that gave a woman more flexibility in finding the right person to marry and spend the rest of her life with. Using it after marriage was something to be discussed with a husband, but using it before marriage was something God clearly intended for any woman who saw the need. These were things that Beth understood to be true.

James introduced himself and held the door open for Beth as they entered the RowHouse. When James approached the front desk and asked for a table for two, he was informed by the hostess that without a reservation the wait might be an hour. Beth said, “Oh, I made a reservation just in case. Beth Garner.”

James felt slightly embarrassed that he hadn't known to make a reservation. He didn't dine out often, and when he did, it was rarely at a place that required reservations. He explained this to Beth who said, “It's totally fine. I picked the place. The least I could do was call and make a reservation.”

James and Beth were shown to their table, and they struck up the regular small talk that two people make on a first date. When the server came to take their drink orders, James learned that Beth had no problem with the casual consumption of alcohol, as she ordered a Manhattan. Beth learned that James didn't drink
alcohol at all when he ordered an iced tea and explained to her that he had never had even a sip of anything alcoholic. He told her that he passed no judgment on anyone who chose to partake in alcoholic beverages, but he had decided a long time ago that he would never poison himself in such a manner. He believed it to be insulting to God, who created his body with purity in mind. Beth began to think that James was possibly a little too Christian for her, but he was extremely polite and she did find him attractive, so she chose to ignore his hard-line stance on sobriety.

By the end of dinner, Beth was feeling the effects of her third Manhattan, and she asked James if he'd like to continue the date at a nearby bar. James was surprised to find that Beth's insistence on drinking alcohol throughout dinner, and her suggestion to continue drinking alcohol at a bar, didn't bother him that much. He always tried to remain neutral in matters of judgment where legal vices were concerned. He knew the social norms regarding alcohol dictated that Beth was doing nothing out of the ordinary, and it had been several months since he'd been on a date with a girl he found as charming as Beth.

He knew that this was very likely a test from God, but he was confused as to what God might be testing. It seemed too obvious that God would test him to see if he could resist temptation. And because Beth never tried to get him to taste even a sip of her own drink, James thought a test of temptation was unlikely. It seemed more reasonable that God might be testing James to see just how accepting of others he could be, how willing he was to indulge in activities that were out of his comfort zone. After deciding that this second test was the one God had probably set before him, James agreed to accompany Beth to a nearby bar.

Once in the bar, and halfway through her fourth Manhattan, Beth said, “So James, you seem like a pretty straightforward guy. You're polite. You don't seem like you're too weird or anything. Why aren't you married yet?”

James explained that he had dated a few women who seemed
like likely candidates for marriage, but for one reason or another, things just ended up not working out.

Beth said, “Does that make you sad at all?”

James explained that it didn't make him sad. He was confident in God's plan for him, whatever that was, and he knew that when the time was right, God would bring him together with whoever he was supposed to marry. Beth said, “Who knows? Maybe that's what God's doing right now,” then leaned close to James and kissed him on the mouth.

James was surprised at how forward she was, but it made sense, given how forward she'd been online. There was alcohol on her lips—the first time James had ever tasted it—and he began to wonder if his first inclination might have been correct. Maybe this was a test of temptation.

Beth had one more Manhattan before she and James decided to leave. James walked her to her car, and they had a brief conversation about what a good time they each had and how they'd like to see each other again. As Beth was getting her keys from her purse, she stumbled, fell, and spilled everything in her purse onto the ground. She was very clearly drunk. She said, “Crap. I think I might be too drunk to drive home.”

James offered to call her a taxi.

Beth had a different suggestion. “You could just drive me home. I can leave my car here until morning.” Even if it was a test in temptation, as a Christian man, James knew he couldn't leave a woman in need, so he agreed to drive her home.

James followed the GPS directions to Beth's apartment and tried to engage her in some small talk on the drive, but after a few blocks Beth passed out. James let her sleep until he pulled up to the address she'd programmed into his GPS. He put the car in park, turned off the engine, and gently nudged her until she woke up.

Beth said, “Oh my god, did I seriously just pass out? I'm really sorry.”

James explained that there was no need to apologize. As he helped her out of the car and walked her to her front door, he was surprised to find that Beth seemed more attractive to him in some way as a result of her inebriation. There was something in her needing his help that made him feel like he was fulfilling his purpose as a man.

At her door, Beth kissed James again, and again he could taste the alcohol in her mouth. She said, “Do you, you know, want to come in for a second?”

James thought it would be the polite thing to do, if only to make sure she didn't pass out on her kitchen floor or something similar. He agreed to come in to help her get into bed safely.

Once inside, Beth excused herself to the bathroom and told James to make himself comfortable. James didn't plan on staying very long. He went into the kitchen and filled a glass of water from the tap, then sat on the couch. He heard the faucet in the bathroom turn on, then off, then the bathroom door opened. Beth said, “Come here.”

James followed the sound of Beth's voice to her bedroom, where she was already sprawled out on top of her comforter. He extended the glass of water and explained that she should drink the whole glass through the course of the night. Beth said, “Thanks. Just put it on the nightstand.” James did as he was instructed, and as he approached the nightstand Beth reached out and pulled him down on top of her, kissing him sloppily and aggressively.

James pulled back and asked her what she was doing.

Beth said, “I invited you in. Why else would a girl do that?”

James explained that he genuinely thought she might just need some help getting into bed. Beth laughed at him and said, “Wait a minute. Are you one of these guys who doesn't believe in premarital sex?”

James explained that this was indeed the case.

Beth laughed again and said, “And you've never been married. So . . . you're a virgin?”

James explained that he was a virgin and he saw nothing wrong with it. He claimed that he would remain a virgin until God saw fit to change that. Beth said, “Well, it's possible he's trying to change it right now,” and leaned out toward him, reaching to grab him again.

James explained that, while the offer was extremely flattering, he was saving himself until marriage just as God had commanded all his servants to do. He told Beth that he didn't judge her for her decision to ignore this command from God, but he wouldn't be able to see her again knowing that she could so easily disobey what he saw as one of God's most immutable laws where men, women, and love were concerned. James left the apartment, wiping a stray bit of Beth's saliva from his mouth.

On his way back home he hoped God was pleased with him.