Striker (28 page)

‘So, you admit you did that purely out of spite, then?’

Jim looked back up, and it was all Amber could do not to reach out and take his hand, hold it tight. It was an urge so overwhelming she had to try really hard to wipe it from her mind. ‘I got a bit crazy, Amber. I guess I just needed a bit more time to get my head around the idea of you and him, that’s all.’

‘And, are you used to it now?’ she asked, pulling the napkin back in front of her, giving her something to hold onto.

He smiled, his green eyes crinkling up at the edges. Yeah, he was older now. He wasn’t the young, fit footballer who’d stolen her heart then broken it into a million tiny pieces, twice over. But he was still one of the most handsome men in the world of football right now. ‘I care about you, Amber. I just want you to be happy. So… friends?’

She returned his smile, despite the fact it was the most painful smile she’d ever had to give. ‘It won’t be easy. But, for the sake of my dad, I think we owe it to him to carry on as normal, don’t you?’ Whatever “normal” was. She wasn’t entirely sure.

Jim nodded, although it wasn’t the answer he’d wanted to hear. He’d wanted her to say she couldn’t handle being around him if all they could have was friendship. He’d wanted her to say that she needed him back in her life the way it had used to be, but that was never going to happen. And he knew that, deep down inside. But being the eternal optimist could sometimes bring disappointment.

‘I’ve really got to go,’ Amber said, checking her watch again. Surely Ryan would be home by now? It was gone ten-thirty, and he had training in the morning.

‘You can’t stay for one more drink?’

Amber looked at him; her first love, a man she would once – or should that be twice? – have done anything for, no matter what he’d given her in return. Had she finally grown up? Or was she just moving onto another, bigger mistake?
 

She shook her head, giving him one more smile as she slid her bag up onto her shoulder. ‘Thanks, Jim.’

He smiled back at her – that full-on, beautiful smile that had once had the power to floor her completely. And it still could, if she let it. ‘I’ll see you around, then?’

‘Yeah. I’ll see you around.’

She almost ran out of the restaurant, not sure whether she was getting away from a situation she couldn’t control anymore, or running towards a situation she had yet to grasp any control over at all. All she knew was that she wanted to get home. She wanted to see Ryan, and even then she wasn’t entirely sure how she was going to feel when she did.

The short drive home had seemed to take an eternity, even though the roads were quiet and the traffic light. But, finally sliding her key into the lock, she felt nothing but utter relief as she pushed open the front door. Relief that was short-lived as silence and darkness greeted her, letting her know in no uncertain terms that Ryan wasn’t home. Disappointment flooded through her, quickly followed by anger and the realisation that she really had been naive to think this could be anything other than what it was – a sham of a relationship that neither of them really wanted.

She’d had enough, and without even taking off her coat she threw her bag down onto the hall floor and thundered up the stairs at what felt like a hundred miles an hour, running straight into the main bedroom. Sliding a small suitcase out from under their ridiculously huge bed she flung it open, taking a second to stop and think about what she could throw in there to tide her over until she felt calm enough to come back and pack the rest.

She’d just about filled the case when she heard the front door open and then quickly close downstairs. Ryan’s voice called out her name from down in the hall, but she didn’t answer him. She was busy. Let him find her if he was that desperate to see her.

‘Amber! Hey, Amber! Are you upstairs, babe?’

She could hear his voice getting nearer as he climbed the spiral staircase that led to the first floor. And despite her stomach turning with nerves and apprehension she stuck to her guns, closing the suitcase and zipping it shut, just as Ryan finally found her.

‘Going somewhere?’ he asked, standing in the doorway looking sexy-as-hell in dark jeans and jacket, his messed-up dark brown hair still giving him that edge that made him all the more attractive, in an ever-so-slightly-dangerous way. But Amber had to ignore that. Giving into that was trouble, and it was quite obvious that this relationship with Ryan was nothing but a repeat performance of everything she’d ever had with Jim. Wasn’t it about time she grew out of that crap? She really was better off alone, she had no doubt about that now.

‘I’m leaving,’ she replied, immediately tearing her eyes away from him as she hauled the case off the bed.

‘And going where, exactly?’ Ryan went on, blocking her exit from the room.

‘Are you going to let me past?’

‘Not until you start making some sense. What’s going on, Amber?’

She felt that earlier anger come surging back with a vengeance – she just wasn’t sure whether it was an anger that was directed at Ryan for what he’d done, or directed at herself for being so bloody stupid. Again.

‘You lied to me, Ryan.’

He looked genuinely confused, which only angered Amber more.

‘Gambling, drinking – a spell in rehab I had no idea about.’

‘To be fair, Amber, only about half a dozen people know about that.’

‘And are you sleeping with any of
them
? Jesus, Ryan, didn’t you think I deserved to know just
some
thing about what happened in your past? Or, did you think that by letting me know what you’re
really
like it would mean I checked up on you just that little bit more?’

‘For fuck’s sake, I need
this
, don’t I? Five minutes through the fucking door and you’re starting on me. What the hell’s the matter with you?’

‘Where’ve you been, Ryan?’

He stared at her, letting out a nervous laugh. ‘Huh? Sorry, who are you, my fucking mother?’

‘Actually, do you know what? I don’t care. I’ve had enough. I really can’t go there again…’ Amber grabbed her suitcase, dragging it along the floor, but Ryan moved further into the doorway, blocking her exit even more. ‘Get out of the way, Ryan.’

‘Not until you tell me how I can leave you this morning and everything’s okay, but when I get back home you’ve turned into some kind of weird, crazed psycho. I didn’t tell you about the gambling, Amber, because it’s in the past, alright? I got into some deep shit, I sorted it out,
it’s
over.’

‘It’s over,’ Amber repeated, looking into those gorgeous, dark blue eyes of his, and wishing she hadn’t. ‘It’s over. Well, that’s alright then, isn’t it?’ That was said with a more-than-slightly-sarcastic tone. ‘Okay, so, if it’s over you can look me right in the eye and tell me you haven’t been to the casino at all since you moved back up north, can you? You can look me in the eye and tell me you haven’t snorted any coke, you haven’t got blind drunk just because you can. You can look me in the eye and tell me you haven’t slept with another woman since you’ve been with me. You can do that, can you?’

‘Yes, I can. Amber…’

‘Then you’re a fucking liar!’ she shouted, pushing past him, but only getting as far as the landing before he pulled the suitcase out of her grasp and swung her back round to face him.

‘Listen, Amber, sweetheart, you knew what you were getting into when we got together…’

‘Yeah, maybe I did, Ryan. Maybe I did. But I had no idea you were so hell bent on ruining a bloody good career quite so much as you are right now.’

‘Jesus Christ… who’ve you been talking to? Huh? Because someone’s said something…’

‘Max. Max told me. Because he cares about you, you bloody idiot. He doesn’t want to see you make the same mistakes twice, but it seems you’re either too stupid or too bloody arrogant to listen.’

‘I’ll fucking kill him…’

‘Y’know, rather than channelling that anger into attacking someone who gives a damn about you maybe you’d be better off using it to try and keep your head above water, before this amazing life you seem to think you have comes crashing down around you.’

‘What the…? Why did Max talk to you, Amber? Why did he do that?’

‘I’ve told you, Ryan. Because he cares about you. And he said if I cared about you, too, I’d try and help you nip this shit in the bud before it spirals out of control again. And I thought I could do that, y’know? I really thought I cared enough about you to actually help you…’

Ryan stared at her, an overwhelming feeling of guilt flooding through him. ‘Then… then why don’t you, Amber? Why
don’t
you help me?’

‘Because I’m not even sure you want me to.’

Ryan let go of her arm, taking a step back towards the bedroom. He didn’t know what to think anymore. He’d asked her to move in with him for a reason, and he knew exactly what that reason was so why couldn’t he just come out and say it? Why couldn’t he just admit it to himself? Admit it to her.

‘I want you to help me, Amber.’

She sighed heavily, leaning back against the banister and folding her arms, looking up at the ceiling. ‘I don’t know what to do, Ryan. I don’t know if I can deal with this, if I’m the right person…’

Ryan walked towards her, reaching out to gently touch her cheek, stroking it lightly with his thumb. ‘I want you to help me, Amber. I
need
you to help me.’

She looked at him, her eyes meeting his. Was he being serious now? Did he really mean
any
thing he said to her? ‘You need me, huh?’

‘More than you know,’ he whispered, his other hand resting on her hip, pulling her closer.

‘I should get out of here. If you knew what…’ She stopped herself from saying anything else because the last thing this relationship needed was another complication. Ryan didn’t need to know about Jim. And that might smack of double standards –
she
wanted to know all about
his
past but she had no intention of telling him about hers – but that was just the way it needed to be.

‘If I knew what, Amber?’

She shook her head, looking down at the ground. ‘Nothing. It doesn’t matter.’

He tilted her chin up, forcing her to look at him again. ‘I got scared, Amber. All of this – me falling back into old habits, the gambling, the… the other women…’

Amber felt her stomach sink like a lead weight the second he’d said that, a sick feeling washing over her. Now she’d actually heard him say it himself, she knew it was true. And even though, in her heart of hearts, she’d suspected it, thinking it was going on and knowing that it definitely was were two completely different things. And the truth hurt. Like a hard and unnecessary kick to the head.

‘I got scared, baby,’ Ryan went on, stroking her cheek again, his breath warm on her face. ‘I’ve never felt this way before, about anyone, and I got scared. So I… I thought that if I… if I carried on with my old life, went back to the way it used to be I could push those feelings to the back of my mind and pretend they weren’t happening.’

‘Why did you ask me to move in with you? If that’s the way you felt?’

‘Because I wanted to be with you, Amber. Believe me, because that is the truth. And when you said no, that kind of pushed me even closer to my old life because I thought you didn’t care…’

‘Don’t blame
me
for this, Ryan.’

‘No. No, baby, I’m not. I’m not blaming you. I just felt… Jesus, I don’t know, rejected, I suppose.’

‘I said yes, didn’t I? Eventually.’

He smiled, running his fingers through her dark red hair. ‘Yeah. You did. And I’m so sorry for being such a prick, for putting you through this. I just couldn’t get my head around the fact that I… that I just wanted to be with one woman, y’know? I couldn’t believe it was
me
feeling that way. It didn’t feel right. Not at first.’

‘I really
should
walk away from this, Ryan.’

He shook his head, pulling her closer, his mouth ever-so-gently brushing over hers in the tiniest of kisses, but it was enough to send a beautiful shiver right up Amber’s spine. ‘I’m weak, Amber. I’m weak and I’m stupid and I really don’t know if I’m strong enough to do this without you. Baby, I need you. I need you, so fucking much.’

She felt tears start to prick the back of her eyes, falling slowly down her cheeks as she stared at him, and suddenly all she saw in front of her was a lost young man. Was he really telling her the truth? Was the reason why he’d taken things too far really just a desperate attempt to block out his true feelings? She had to be so careful here, given what had happened in the past. But her heart was fast beginning to rule her head. ‘What are you scared of, Ryan?’

‘I’m scared of falling in love,’ he whispered, trying desperately to stop tears of his own from escaping. ‘But I think it might already have happened.’

Amber shook her head, putting a finger to his lips. ‘No. Don’t say that, okay?’

‘But…’

‘Not yet, Ryan. Please. Everyone’s emotions are all over the place right now and I don’t think either of us is in the right frame of mind to talk about how we really feel. Do you?’

He took her hand, wrapping his fingers around hers, holding onto her tightly. ‘Are you… are you still leaving?’