STROKED LONG (17 page)

“Bodi, I let myself in. Hope you don’t mind,” Eva calls out.

A tidal wave of relief washes over Bodi; he visibly relaxes hearing his sister’s voice.

“Are you still in bed? I brought your favorite bran muffins. You know the ones that have zero taste at all. Rise and—”

Her words are cut short when she bursts through his door, a pink bakery box in one hand and a Styrofoam cup of coffee in the other. Frozen in bed, I lie there, clothed in Bodi’s Team USA T-shirt, with a bare-chested Bodi only a few inches away from the bed.

“Oh dear.” Quickly turning around, she says her apologies and retreats, giggling.

Yes . . . giggling.

I’m mortified. Completely and utterly mortified. And we didn’t do anything. Yes, we held hands and yes, Bodi’s hand was under my shirt at one point in time, but nothing happened.

“Fuck,” Bodi mutters, taking a quick glance at me and then sprinting after his sister.

Oh, this is awkward. This is so very, very awkward. What do I do? Lie here and wait to be called out to join the party of tasteless bran muffins? Do I call from the bedroom that nothing happened and how awkward I’m feeling—that seems like a Ruby thing to do. Or do I slip on the oversized sweatpants and sneak out quickly?

Right about now, the last option seems like the best idea. I would like to save face and sneaking out seems like the best way to do that.

Needing to act on my plan, I quickly retreat from the most comfortable bed ever and head to the bench where I folded up the sweatpants from last night, but I pause when I hear Bodi and Eva talking.

“What the hell are you doing?” Bodi practically yells, jolting me upright.

“What the hell am I doing? Better question is what the hell are you doing?” Eva says in a more even tone, stern, but controlled. Not frantic like Bodi.

“It’s not what you think,” Bodi says. True, very true. I can only imagine what Eva might be thinking.

“Kind of looks like you slept with Ruby last night.” I wish I could see Eva’s face right now. From what Eva and Lauren have hinted at, I wouldn’t think they would be opposed to something happening between Bodi and me, so it would be nice to read Eva’s features rather than only the tone of her voice. Is she mad?

“I didn’t sleep with her,” Bodi responds, aggravation clear in his voice.

“Shall I go back in your room and double-check? Pretty sure I didn’t see a Ruby mirage in there.”

She must be walking toward the bedroom because I hear Bodi’s bare feet pad across the floor, followed by him saying, “Don’t fucking go in there. Yes, she stayed the night but nothing happened.”

“Oh really?” Now Eva’s pressing him, pushing his buttons, buttons I wouldn’t dare push because I think she’s over his threshold and treading on dangerous explosive territories.

“Yes, really,” he grits out. Yup, he’s not a happy camper. “You can’t just walk in here whenever you want without letting me know. You . . .” he pauses, and in my mind I see him wracking his brains for the right words, “you scared the shit out of me, Eva.”

My heart splits in half, splinters right down the center from the almost boyish way Bodi admits his fear.

“I sent you a text, Bodi. Maybe if you weren’t in the middle of getting frisky with your foundation partner—”

“Jesus,” Bodi roars. “Nothing fucking happened between us. She came over to work on the foundation. She was soaking wet from the rain. I let her borrow clothes and since the storm was so bad, I did the gentlemanly thing and told her she could crash here instead of waiting in the rain for the bus that was never going to show up.”

“Then why were you sharing a bed? There is a perfectly good couch in your living room.” Eva doesn’t sound mad now, more amused than anything, as if she’s trying to get Bodi to admit something.

“She was scared, so scared that she was trembling at one point. I wasn’t going to make her sleep in a strange place by herself. Believe me, nothing happened and nothing is going to happen, Eva. Ruby is not my type. She’s just an acquaintance, a coworker, someone who’s helping with the foundation, nothing more. So, drop it.”

Ouch.

Just an acquaintance, a coworker? Someone he’s working on the foundation with? Is that all I really am to him? Nothing more? Not even a friend? I would at least consider us friends if nothing else.

I guess my perceptions of last night were completely off-base, leaving me feeling humiliated and embarrassed for thinking someone like Bodi Banks would be interested in me.

What little hope I had for Bodi and me has now been taken away and replaced with a ball of emptiness. Not wanting to be here any longer than I have to, I secure the sweats, tying the drawstring tightly, and head to the main living space.

I don’t make eye contact. I don’t even say hi to Eva who stopped mid-sentence when she saw me walk out of the bedroom. The condo is silent, as neither Bodi or Eva make a sound. All I feel is their eyes watching me. In the half-bath off the entryway, I retrieve my clothes, which are still damp, and my rain jacket. In the entryway, my purse and foundation papers are perfectly placed on a side table, typical Bodi. I pick them up, take a deep breath, and without turning around say, “I will be sure to return the clothes during our next meeting.”

“Ruby,” Eva calls out, but I ignore her because for some reason, there is a big ball in my throat.

I can’t stay any longer without making a scene so I let myself out, not caring about triggering his alarm system. The faster I can get away, the better.

“Ruby,” Bodi calls from his doorway, still shirtless. “Wait.”

I don’t turn to look at him, I can’t. He will see my eyes watering, and I don’t want him to see what a pathetic mess I am right now. I need to stay strong. I need to be the coworker he sees me as.

“I will call you about our next meeting,” I say just as the doors ding and open.

“Ruby,” he calls one last time but I’m instantly pressing the close door button, willing it to shut before he can stop the doors from closing.

Lucky for me, he doesn’t catch up.

Leaning my head against the elevator wall, I look up at the ceiling as tears fall down my cheeks. I had finally felt I was connecting with someone how I wanted to. I know he doesn’t adapt easily to new people in his life, but I had felt so much closer to him last night. Not only does he not see me that way, but he was very insistent he would
never
see me that way. Was that me or was that him? Right now, I think it is all me. He’d been horrified when he’d looked down and seen me in his bed. What was such a wonderful night has turned into one hell of a crappy morning.
Not sure how to come back from this one.

BODI

Fuck.

FUCK!

A slow clap starts up behind me as I lock up my apartment door. “Well done, asshole. I’m really impressed. Not only did you insult her, you most likely jabbed her in the heart with your perfectly sharpened knife. And then, you didn’t even chase after her.”

“Shut the fuck up, Eva,” I snap, unsure what to do.

This is all new to me. Every last second of it. I’ve been intimate with women. I’ve had sex but it’s always been physical, just something to do. I’ve never once been emotionally intimate with someone until Ruby came along.

Last night, fuck, it was so unexpected. I was very apprehensive at first, not sure if I would be able to handle having her in my condo while I went through my nighttime routine, but instead of her following me around, watching me double-check everything, she tended to herself in the bathroom, giving me just enough time to get my anxiety on an even keel so I could act normal around her.

As if normal is easy for me around her. There is no normal, really. I’m a ball of nerves whenever she’s in the room, always wondering if I’m going to show my true self, the battered man that I am. I’m calculating every one of my moves, preparing myself for the worst, making sure I’m always on guard, never once letting one of my idiosyncrasies slip. It’s tiring and last night, being with her for so long, I was just waiting for that moment when I let down my guard, where I slip up and freak the fuck out over something so minute and small that any other person would think I was losing my goddamn mind.

But it never happened. I never lost control. It was quite the opposite. I was able to relax and enjoy myself. I felt free, liberated, as if I’m not hiding this dark secret, this all-consuming hatred for myself and every obsessive-compulsive trait I possess.

This morning, waking up to her in my arms—which astounded me as I have no recollection of moving closer to her during the night—fuck it was priceless, a feeling I would never be able to get again. Her body was warm, welcoming, trusting,
addicting.
From the press of her ass against my stomach to the sweet smell of her hair, she doesn’t make me feel afraid. She puts me at ease, makes my heart even its erratic behavior.

I’m a total fuck-up.

Gripping my hair, I sit on the couch and rest my elbows on my knees, facing total defeat.

The couch dips next to me. “What’s going on, Bodi?”

Twisting my head just enough so I can see my sister—whose timing was epically bad—I say, “You should have called.”

She sighs. “Bodi, you know I don’t call all the time. You can’t rely on a phone call all the time. You have to know the people who are entering your condo are the people you trust. And I love you, Bodi, but you can’t blame this on me. This isn’t the first time I’ve brought you muffins in the morning.”

“I know.” Fuck I’m so aggravated and at a loss right now. “I just, fuck, I just got caught off guard with everything.”

“Want to start from the beginning?”

“Not really.”

“Can I ask you something and you not get all brotherly mad and irritated at me?” I know what her question is going to be so I nod. “Do you like her, Bodi?”

I don’t even have to think about it, and there is no way I can hide it anymore. She’s flipped my entire process, my tightly controlled world, upside down. “I do.”

A little, and I mean little, giddy squeal comes from Eva, who then quickly calms herself. I’m waiting for the “I told you so” but apparently she has gained some self-control and holds back. “Does she know?”

“Obviously not after what transpired this morning.” Leaning back on the sofa, slouching in my seat, I grip my forehead out of pure hatred for myself. “She’s more than just a coworker to me, Eva. She’s a friend, someone I feel comfortable talking to, someone I trust. But she doesn’t fucking know that because I was so flustered and out of my mind this morning I flipped and made an ass of myself.”

“You sure did.” She doesn’t sugarcoat it as she crosses her legs and sips her coffee. “I mean, you really did a number this morning. I don’t think I’ve ever seen something so disastrous in person. It was quite impressive.”

“Will you shut the fuck up? Christ, Eva.”

That garners a laugh from her. “Come on, you have to kind of laugh about it, Bodi. You can’t go about your life so serious all the time.”

“How the fuck do you expect me to laugh about this? I hurt Ruby, and I didn’t mean to. She sprinted out of here, never making eye contact. It’s gutting me that I did that to her. So you can’t blame me for not being in a laughing kind of mood.”

“I can understand that, but this is fixable, Bodi.”

“How so? She barely tolerates me as it is. This was probably the final nail in the coffin for me.”

“She doesn’t barely tolerate you, Bodi. If she barely tolerated you she wouldn’t have stayed last night.”

“She didn’t have an option last night. The roads were flooded. Fuck, Eva. Almost every time I’ve been around the girl I’ve been on the verge of having an episode, of freaking out about something, and she notices. There’s no hiding it when I’m around her. She knows I’m not normal—”

“No one is fucking normal, Bodi, so stop using that as an excuse.”

“Don’t give me that shit, Eva. You know what I mean when I say normal. Someone who can live comfortably in their house without obsessively cleaning and checking everything to make sure it’s all in place. Someone who can have a thoughtful conversation with another human being without constantly trying to remember social cues. Someone who doesn’t have to live so rigidly by a day-to-day structure.”

“We all do that. We all possess those behaviors, but it just depends on how extreme they are in each case. Do you think it’s easy for me to carry on a conversation with strangers at an art showing and explain why I always have a heavy hand when using the color red? I have the same issues as you, Bodi. I’ve just put myself out there more. You’re still living in this dark hole—”

“You weren’t the one who fucking killed them,” I shout. “It’s easier for you to move on.”

“You did not kill our parents, Bodi. You were not the psychopath with a gun. No matter whether the door was locked or not, he would have found a way in.” She has told me this over and over, but it isn’t true. It’s my fault. It’s my fault. It’s my fault.

“Yeah, and I gave him a golden ticket to our parents’ room.”

Eva stands and shakes her head. “I can’t keep fucking doing this with you. When are you ever going to forgive yourself for what happened?”

“Never,” I say softly, shutting my eyes to ward off the tears that threaten to spill over.

Releasing a long exhale, Eva picks up her purse and plops the box of muffins on my lap. “Have a good day off, Bodi. I will talk to you later.”

Fuck. Now I’ve upset Eva. Have a good day off.
As if I could have a fucking good day. Fuck. Me. I feel so desperate, so unsure. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what to do with the grief of my parents’ death. No, I can never forgive myself. I don’t know what to do about Ruby.
Rubes.
I’ll never get to call her that again. I’m a fucking asshole just like Eva said.

Clenching my eyes shut, I call after her just before she reaches the door. In a near whisper, I ask, “What do I do about Ruby?”

“What do you want to do about her? Do you actually want to live the life you’ve been blessed with or do you want to continue to throw it away?”